BPDFamily.com

I've experienced several dramatic "we are done" episodes in last six months,  he is seeing someone else. Last time I saw him he treated me v badly and  I told him I had had enough and  not to get in contact. Cue several disgusting texts along the lines of why would I want to contact you you're sick etc etc. Then nothing for weeks and then now brief text asking me something he didn't really need to. I kept my reply brief and got a thanks back.  Just a bit confused.  Is he just checking I'll still respond?

After the big rows I've always felt sure that is it and we won't have any more contact and I've been wrong. Not sure what to make of this last text. He last told me "don't text cos your doing my head in and it's not fair" so I haven't and then tonight out of the blue "hope yr ok I didn't manage to sort XXXXX out do you think it will still be ok if I do it in the morning" it was too late anyway so what was point of texting me?

So tired of trying to work this stuff out

Hi merlin4926,

I'm sorry to hear this is confusing and tiring. I'm 17 months out and still get emails from time to time. She's been with someone for almost 2 years.

She sends messages that are accusatory, blaming and is trying to pick a fight. I think it's because she needs soothing. A pwBPD have problems with self soothing and regulating feelings. If they feel bad it comes out as projection, blaming etc.

It's an attachment disorder and mine will try to soothe herself or project her feelings for something that's going on in her life. It may be because she feels shame and guilt from her bf or someone else in her life. I don't respond. She needs to soothe herself.

She may also send email bombs one day and be nice the next. Act as if nothing happens. She dissociates. Changes reality to match her out of place feelings - a sort if amnesia. It used to trigger me because I wasn't validated and felt angry that she acted as if nothing happened.

He may also be testing your boundaries and the waters. A pwBPD have difficulties with having boundaries on the self and respecting others boundaries. Much like a small child flailing against the parents boundaries. If he's with someone else, it's his responsibility to soothe his emotions and not have others soothe him. It's not our responsibility to soothe our SO's while were in the r/s. The point, it's over and not appropriate but he's mentally ill and not aware of his dysfunctions.

A goal can be to be indifferent to the text messages, behaviors and not respond.

Feelings are quicksilver, he may be accusatory blaming and be nice a few hours later. It's confusing but the more that you learn about BPD, the more you'll get the hang of why they behave the way that they do. I hope that helps.

Both.

She raged, scapegoated, lied, whatever it took to make sure it ended with a bang. It was definitely a release for her. Deep patterns. Another self-fulfilling prophesy. But she's whimpered to whoever only heard her side, where she's just a victim (herself "hearing" this most of all). It was a whimper to me, because it made me feel small and to crawl into myself, after responding with a bang to her accusations and moves to tear our r/s apart. Yet also quite a bang, as it made everything different from the directions chosen to the daydreams I was having. It altered the fabric of the family we were creating.

It's like being a hermit crab. Eventually you look for a bigger better shell and you move on, which is what I'm doing. PwBPD change shells much more frequently but does anything really change? We're not really even in the same ocean, are we? What a wake-up call. To resist it goes against who we are.

It ended with a bang for me.  Partly because I sent divorce papers to him immediately when he told me he no longer wanted me.  This seemed to put into action a massive shockwave of events, from which there was no going back.  So it actually became a series of bangs, as I found out more and more of what had been going on.  He tried to contain it to a whimper but failed!

Both. After her last outburst of treat me special or lose me, i broke contact. Lasted about a week until i fell victim to being alone. Damn it. Then i thought maybe she would have appreciated my passion of not being taken for granted. Nope. Told me we were done. Next day with another dude. Tried to fix it and get her back. Flowers, love professing. Got insults in return. Shattered my ass. That was thursday. Yay me.

I always thought it would end in a more dramatic way and for a serious reason. Actually it was about something trivial but my patience had been exhausted over a 'tension building' weekend together in the countryside at her parents place (parents weren't there). I woke up in the morning of our last day and I wanted to leave. I wasn't intenting to break up, but I was upset and needed my space, so I asked her for a taxi to take me to the train station and she said to use my feet and walk to the train station (a good few miles away). That done it for me. Something clicked - I said ok, that's it, don't talk to me ever again, you are finished and left her there standing and walked... .That was it. 6 weeks NC on my side.