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I sometimes do.

It's tempered somewhat, I guess by ridiculous "jealousy"

In the case of mine, he is a guy who is getting absolutely taken to the cleaners,  and he's so deep in FOG he can't see it (I can relate)

My BPD has admitted to several mutual friends that she is "embarrassed" to be seen with him, something backed up by the fact that there are NO pictures of them together allowed anywhere on social media,  and belive me there are plenty of her and all the gifts he buys her.

Financially he's being ruined by her, she insults him to all and sundry,  runs around behind his back trying to recycle me, and put another ex back into triangulation at the same time.  Complains how deeply unhappy she is etc.

He's living in fantasy right now, but I've seen him about and you can already see the toll it's taken on him, gone is the smug arrogance he had before and it's been replaced with a kind of confused grimace.

God only knows how badly gaslit he's been behind closed doors but he does not look well.

And based on everything I've observed he's probably about to be abandoned,  in his case I don't know if he was ever even idealized,  she almost instantly devalued him but he's hung in there.

Poor guy

Once you realize it's a game, you keep playing or not.

Nope.  I want to punch my replacement in the face for how he's treating her and how he's only for himself.  Which I will eventually.  But thats just the immature 24 year old in me.

Yeah man. I don't know if I feel bad. I did feel mad jealous and did all the stuff about wondering if it was me and such. The dude backed his bags and moved across an ocean to get away. I can only assume it was to get away from her.

i do feel sorry for them. especially the ones i feel that may be less equipped to deal with the oncoming onslaught. it's tough, you know she is going to abuse, dump and abuse some more and there's nothing i can really think of to do about it. i think if the replacement took part in any kind of cheating when i was in the r/s that i wouldn't really feel that bad for them, but luckily i didn't have to deal with this directly so to me i see them all as victims.

Depends on where I am... .

If I am feeling ok with this, operating from the conscious mind, understanding the toxic relationship she created. Then ya, i feel bad for him.

If instead I am distraught, operating from the emotional mind, and blaming myself for creating a toxic relationship. Then no, I am all sorts of twisted up about it.

How frequently i vacillate between feeling like she's amazing and I lost the girl of my dreams, to remembering and thinking about all the screwed up ___ she did to me is maddenning

I have the same issue with flipping back and forth

One minute I think she's a complete toxic fruit loop and can honestly laugh at her shambolic joke of a life

The next I feel sorry for her,  she's not all bad,  maybe I could still help her.

Horrible.

Misery loves company :)

be well brother

I was considering whether it is the fact that we are missing the truly amazing bits of the relationship or whether it is our egos that we are trying to satisfy. I do miss some parts but the majority of the relationship was horrible. Is it the fact that I am more upset by the fact that she doesn't want me and the rejection has dented my ego rather than the fact that I miss anything about her.

It could have a lot to do with the ego.

It's hard to come to any sort of conclusion because I think in our own heads it's virtually impossible for us to accept that we were not dealing with someone who has any rationality or logic.

It's so not a case of us not being good enough.

In fact the more "good" you are by normal standards the worse you are going to fare with a BPD chick. If you have self respect,  moral values etc it just makes it worse because that's when your head and heart go to war with each other.  At least it did in my case. Heart was winning and head was like what the heck are you doing!

It's crazy making and I wish I could stop thinking about it because it's really damaging.  As soon as you forget she's BPD and start trying to apply logic and reason,  that's when you are really vulnerable.

I feel sorry for the guys that actually care about her the way I did and get destroyed.

There is definately a mix of emotions but only in the last week or so have I come to terms with my gut saying I'm better off without her.

It trully is crazy making and it takes a lot of processing to make sence of it in a way I wasn't convincing myself.

I know my replacement. I don't feel sorry for her. She knew that he is abusive. She knew what she was getting into, and eagerly pursued him.  (While he was with me)

"You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometime you find

You get what you need"

I had hatred for my replacement at first but I don't think I do anymore. Nowadays when I sometimes search my soul I find only indifference for him. My hatred is for her exclusively.

Yeah... .funny... I don't have any hatred or jealousy for my replacement.  He has even gone out of his way to "act-out" with her (clearly pre-planned like 7th graders), to hurt me emotionally in public.  I know he is therefore sick like her, he has been lied to and manipulated by her and he is also an active alcoholic.  I just never directed any of my hurt or anger at him. She is really attractive, she told him that she was living with me, but that are relationship was over (funny... .she didn't tell me that?  *)).  She did the same thing to me when I met her... .I am sure that the person that she was living with had no clue. No, I direct all of my disgust at her... .and sometimes I just think: "That guy has not the slightest clue who he is living with. Not even the slightest... ."... .at this point, if I happen to see her, all I have is disgust. Nothing more.

heh... mine did the same thing. Living with someone else, told me the relationship has been over for awhile. I'm sure she did the same thing to me. She wanted to start seeing me but I refused until he had moved out and they were broken up. I wonder if my replacement took the same stand. Really amazing how many people have the same experiances

What a big man. Reminds me of my first BPD gf when she told me about some cruel things she had said to her ex at a party. I knew the guy a little bit and he's a thoroughly decent person who was still head over heels in love with her. I told her not to say things like that to him. Not blowing my own trumpet but I don't think I could get any joy from the previous bf having his heartache made worse by added humiliation from her. That aint right.

You hit the nail on the head, I think.  It is my ego that drives a lot of the obsessive thinking, jealousy, and even fantasy/day dreaming.  It is my codependent view that I must "not good enough" that keeps going back to this well to drink.

However, one thing that has helped is knowing that my replacement is a "downgrade".  My UxBPDgf is a beautiful, highly educated, accomplished woman who has traveled the world and speaks multiple languages. My replacement has little education, is not very sophisticated, and has a colorful criminal record.  When I compare myself to him I don't feel intimidated or some how "less".  I just realize that the replacement is her fix, her source of attention. He could be a Nobel prize winner or a bum... .it wouldn't matter.

I saw a photo of my replacement, he is taller and more muscular than me, so that did annoy me to be honest as she hadn't downgraded in that respect.

But his face is one of a simpleton. He looks like a gormless gym-obsessed moron. She picks her targets with skill and precision, so its very likely he will be in for the same hell as me. Probably it has already begun. I should feel sorry for him, but I know she will have smeared me to him and everyone else beyond belief, so he probably thinks I'm the evil one and he is rescuing her from me, so that blocks any sympathy I might have. I don't wish him the nightmare I lived through though - I hope he is smarter than me and ditches her when she starts her crazy mind games.

But she is the master of this game, so he probably is going to be about to pay a very heavy price for his few weeks of idealisation.

I noticed he refers to her by a totally different name, so she will be a totally different person to him - even with a new name.

It's all so bizarre, I still can't quite believe I got sucked into this madness to begin with.

I vacillate between compassion, as this break up was the most painful thing I have ever endured, and ego-driven can't understand this rejection-driven jealousy. I have shame from the latter as I know I a, an extremely kind and understanding person.  Jealousy hurts me.  I'll be honest, despite the fact I assure myself as I think she is dating a downgrade, I also think my replacement is someone I would befriend away from these circumstances.

I honestly don't spare my replacement a second thought as I have zero visibility of him or them. Complete blackout everywhere. No social media connections. Nothing. Unlike others, my ex goes to great lengths to avoid me seeing anything. Something that I am extremely grateful for.

Gentlemen!

Are you living my life?

I met my BPD ex while she was with another boyfriend. She told me that the relationship was really nothing and it was just a casual relationship. I belived her! The man was so distraught, he went on meds, stalked her a bit , he was incredibly confused.

Now I am that man. I was married to her for ten years and she met someone while she was with me. She must have told him the same story - I was the one that went off the deep end this time.

The guy is 12 yrs older than her, going through his third messy divorce, not attractive, overweight, etc. My EGO was dying! Its only now after almost two years that I realize I am the better man. I truly belive he is in for a wild ride.

Cheers brothers!

believe... .damn this keyboard

I oscillate between feelings of anger, pity, and thankfulness towards my replacement.  I feel that I wouldn't have been able to leave if he wasn't in the picture.  Part of me still believes the hateful words she spewed when I told her I was leaving; how he was better than me in every way.  I've convinced myself she was just trying to hurt me for abandoning her.  But I don't know.

Either way in the end it doesn't really matter if I was good for her or if he is better for her. Because in all honesty she wasn't good for me.  I spent so much time and energy trying to put out the fires and stacking scorched rubble atop rubble, that I didn't stop to think about myself and my needs at all.  Being out of the FOG I can honestly see it for what it was.

Tim Tom... mine did EXACTLY the same thing! We were just friends at first... but that started to change... .I told her I would not date her if she was living with someone. I KNOW that she did the same thing to me after living with me for five years.  She had to make sure that she had the new supply "hooked" before she moved out.  I had no evidence that there was another person (and I am not jealous or suspicious by nature)... .but I just knew that she did not have the wherewithall to move out on her own... so I knew that something stank... .real bad.   She had sex with me right up to the day she ran off to her new supply.  I just do not fathom pwBPD. They are selfish and souless.  It is really sad. It is also extremely painful for us.

I do not wonder if my replacement took the same stand... .I am sure that he did.

Yeah... WOW... .so many similarities. I went to the beach once with mine. We passed an ex of mine and I mentioned it. My pwBPD also knew that I had broken up with this person, who really had some issues and that my leaving had upset her... .but I did all the right things. i.e. I had no one else... .I sat her down and explained to her why I could not be in the relationship any more. I was respectful and had empathy for her hurt.

Turns out after passing her and taking a walk we come back to where we are sitting and the woman is sitting right behind us on the beach... .and my pwBPD takes this as an opportunity to jump in my lap and start wiggling around and acting out to prove ownership?.

I was pissed... and told her to stop it that it was disrespectful and cruel. Which she did. Little did I know that in a few years I was going to be on the other end of that behavior.  What a fool I was... .

So many of us have the same exact story!

To be honest, I don't feel sorry for my replacement. I no longer feel sorry for me. Yes it was painful, brutal, stripped me of my sanity and self-esteem. But I am free now. The only person I feel sorry for is my ex; he has this to deal with for the rest of his life. I don't think he will ever be truly happy, he hates himself, he feels empty, anxious, frightened and undermined; by himself.

That's my take on it all anyway

x

In a single word, No.   I don't feel sorry for them, my replacement made the decision to marry the nut case in two months time , so I guess he can live and learn.   I don't feel anything for my replacement.    I would ve liked to at one point said a few words to him but he d probably have  crapped  his pants, he s a kid who didn't know better .    Live and Learn

Same here Phoenix, I only know who he is because she said his name one night in her sleep. I did some snooping and they were talking on Facebook. I then had a talk with her. I didn't accuse her of cheating, but I did say that it seemed that she was losing interest in our relationship. I wanted to give her a chance to fess up on her own. All she did was say that she wasn't happy and broke up with me. I dug deeper into the situation and saw all of the texts and FB messages. That was enough for me. She had close to a month to admit what she was doing and she kept on lying to me. Until one night I confronted her and told her that I've seen all of the texts and FB messages and took pictures of them. She then starts this spill about how he's just a friend non sense. I then asked her if she spent the night at his house 2 weeks prior. For a second her face looked like that cat that ate the canary, and then she went effin raging berserk on me and made me cry.

All I know about this dude is, where he lives, his phone numbers, and that he's a country boy of sorts. He may be a great dude, however I do question the integrity and manhood of a dude that pursues or gets involved with a chick that's "in a relationship" with a live in boyfriend. Not much of a man if you ask me. But then again, I don't know what she was telling him. But the bottom line is that he had sex with another man's woman. That make's him a BOY in my book. So no I don't feel sorry for him.

On the other hand, I would love to make him somehow understand  he is being baited and played. I toyed with the idea of calling him and telling him what was going to happen and what red flags he can expect. If it was me, I would want to know. I would love to sit down with my exBPDgf's prior couple SO's and the new supply for a little talk and to compare notes. I bet she would look like an effin lunatic... .

Yeah, I do feel sorry for him. I met him briefly once and he's a 23 or 24-year-old kid (she's 35) who has NO idea what he's getting into. I have to admit that he seemed like a genuinely nice guy when I met him, but that's why I think that he's particularly doomed. I was the nice guy too.

My exBPD really tries to keep me from knowing about her new supplies and seems horrified when I do find out about them.

Part of me wouldn't mind getting to know the guy... .so that we can trade horror stories. Ha!

Well I was the nice guy. I mean, some people describe me as a cynical ass. But all in all, I was very good to my exBPDgf and took care of her. So since we know that BPD's chew up and spit out us nice and caring type people. He new supply looks kind of like someone that would slap their woman around and be verbally abusive. He's in the honeymoon period right now, so he's probably on his best behavior to keep getting in her pants. But what happens when she starts the devaluation on a verbally and/or physically abusive type partner? What will both of their reactions be? She acts tough, but I wonder if she would actually fight back or leave that type of partner or just cower in the fetal position?

yep friends first too, and she pursued me like a lioness pursues a wounded buffalo. Never told me about the live in BF until I was hooked. I steadfastly refused repeated attempts to take her out on a date. I can feel good about that.

But also bad that I choose to ignore that I had a fickle cheater on my hands, until it happened to me. The ego is a funny thing. She told me I was just amazing and special, and I bought it... cause I wanted to

i could see it seeming this way on the outside, that he could be this kind of guy. i would doubt it though. it's possible he's got violent tendencies, but really we have to recognize our exes are survivors. i think they have a way of qualifying who they pursue so they know when they abuse them that they won't get physically attacked in retaliation. they could get caught up in a r/s with a violent npd, not unheard of. but the vast majorities of the stories i read pwBPD tend to get with people who don't dish out the same level of abuse. also i think they start letting out the 'bad side' slowly, kind of testing the waters to see how much they can get away with... .if he were the violent type she might sense this before it got to this point and start seeking elsewhere. this is all conjecture of course.

from what i can tell, my ex started seeing the next guy after i broke up with her. i don't doubt she would have cheated, now, but i think i caught her off guard before she could try. still, we were living together and sleeping in the same bed still, broken up about 4-6 weeks when she changed her r/s status on fb to 'in a r/s' with this guy; unbeknownst to me--i found out with a flurry of messages from friends who didn't realize that we had even broken up yet. ultimately this didn't make me hate the guy because i knew he was being manipulated and lied to, but i did kind of see him as a tool for allowing her to call the shots like this. my ex and i didn't even talk about r/s status until we had been dating 3 or 4 months in, he got bagged in 2 weeks and she dumped him in 4 months... .

I do see what you are saying, however her and her family have told me that she has been in 2-3 abusive relationships in the past. She's the type that doesn't back down from people, or at least acts like it when she goes all fruity and rages. Hell, her son told me that he saw her actually start a fight  with his father and jumped on his back and started punching him in the head until he grabbed her by the neck and body slammed her on the ground. The BPD in her always portrayed him as the abusive one, but her son told me that she was crazy and to blame for much of it. Some abusive type guys don't put up with all that lying, cheating, and bullsh|t. If she says to the wrong guy, some of the hurtful things that she has said to me. I could see her getting cracked in the head. Hell, she's got plenty of scars from previous relationships to prove it.  

Yeah, I don't know if she started up yet. I don't even have confirmation that she met someone but I know it.

Mine went to visit her parents for a few days, on the second day, she stayed out till very late, and didn't call till she got back to her folks and sent 0 texts (normally she called on the way home and texted the whole time).  I am assuming this is when she met her new prince. Given how fast she fell for me, I assume it was the same here. the next 2 days were the same, although with limited contact through the day. And by the 5th day she had split me black and ended it over the phone. Instantly everything about me and our life together she hated. Even things she had loved only day ago. It was whirlwind and I lost some of my sanity that day

Yeah... .I was foolish enough to think that it would be all different with me. Gulp.

I do feel sorry for her (although I have no idea who it is) and I do wonder how I would feel or what I would say if I ran into them.  I fantasise that I'd tell her to run, run far away.  Or be careful.  I would want to warn her!  But in actuality it probably would make no difference.  He is too charming in the beginning for her to see anything but a sweet man. 

I lived with a man 20 years ago who I affectionately refer to as "Psycho Mike"... .Looking back he was most definitely BPD.  He made my life hell and I moved 3000 miles to get away from him.  After all that, I had a good friend who married him!  And then had a child with him & he left her before the baby was born.  Let's just say she has told me more than a few times how much she regrets not believing what I went through! 

Mi ex BPD left me for another man- she had a year long affair while she was with me... .. THAT takes awhile to get over !

But the stats make me feel better:

50% of first marriages end in divorce

67% of second marriages end in divorce

77% of third marriages end in divorce.

Marriages based on infidelity have a 7 to 10% chance of surviving.

Throw in BPD to the mix?

Shes in her third marriage with him (or soon to be)

Hes going through his third messy divorce.

And of course our split was messy,

It depends in the borderline and their screening process.  But if a borderline enters a relationship like that I don't think they will leave it.  It will end when the person abusing them decides it's too much for them to handle or they get bored. 

My ex tried to turn me into an abuser to fit in with her victim role. It is not who I wanted to be. This upset her if I had taken the role she gave me in the drama she would have found another rescuer destroyed him but in the end stayed with me. And when she painted that rescuer black she would have painted me white again and things would have gone back to idealization. 

Interesting take.

i definitely felt like my ex wanted me to physically abuse her. just enough so that she could justify how she felt about me. i just feel so, so fortunate that none of this ever happened.

the whole ordeal kind of changed how i look at domestic abuse. because a man who physically assaults his woman is terrible, and if he has a pd it's downright scary and dangerous. still, i wonder how many men who succumb to this started out as well meaning individuals and then lost it and turned into what their partners always saw them as... .i don't like thinking this way but my experience has taught me it's possible.

Oh yes,

My BPD ex would throw things at me in the beginning, then I would hug her and tell her everything was going to be ok. I felt so incredibly sorry for her; she was bulimic and so incredibly anxious all the time. I wanted to save her- I wanted to do everything for her.  In the end the violence started again with verbal abuse, smashing my awards, kicking, punching, scratching. In the lst eight months of our ten year relationship she was eating salad for dinner and power bars for lunch. She was always incredibly angry - when you starve yourself you go into survival mode and you do become very combative.

A solicitor I know told me that of the hundreds of divorce settlements he's dealt with where physical abuse was part of the picture it wasn't unusual that the man had been subjected to incredible levels of provocation.

There is a book called Prone To Violence that gives credence to what my solicitor friend said.

Goldylamont, I have done a lot of reading about domestic abuse and abusers have core values or beliefs of entitlement, superiority & centrality.  I think people can do some crazy things when pushed hard enough but I don't think that makes one an abuser.  The fact is you didn't let it happen.

I don't feel sorry for the replacement.  She made the choice to go with a married man.  She knew from the start that he is a liar.  She deserves all she gets.  From what I have seen of her, I think he may have met his match.  Maybe they both have what they deserve now  :)