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Well, after a week of exile, resentment, shaming and excommunication, my mother returned to baseline yesterday.  She is speaking to me again.  She is even being nice to me now.  This morning she came into the guest room and I can tell she's been crying.  I know she feels very bad about her behavior.  I know she doesn't know any better.  I know how crazy my grandmother and grandfather were. I know my mother had to be their parent and then had the triple whammy of having a brother who is an alcoholic.

I know all of this, but it doesn't make her over-the-top uBPD behavior any easier to deal with when it happens.  How do I reconcile somebody who can be so horrible and abusive one minute and then so nice and loving the next?  How do I make sense of that?

I have been posting a lot lately, but will soon probably start to fade out.  All of this is new to me and when I read other's posts all of these lightbulbs are going off in my head.  Everything is becoming clear for the first time.  I had no idea... .

Been there... done that...   I think I commented to you to be very, very careful when the good mommie shows up.  This is the cycle of abuse.  I used to yearn for her moments.  So many times I would let my guard down only to be slammed dunked.  Stockholm Syndrome.  A hostage become grateful for any moments or signs on warmth.  To be honest, you don't know if she feels badly about her behaviors and if like my mom, shows the same behavioral pattern over and over again.  Past behaviors are just a clear indication of future behaviors .   In reality, you do know that her remorse is meaningless, I did, but stuck my neck out over and over again.   Think this through, you said she has returned to baseline behaviors.  In your knowing her what happens after the baseline? 

I kicked myself over and over again for falling for a moment of niceness.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  I shamed myself over and over again. 

Good Morning YogiBear,

Thank you for these comments. You are 100 percent right.  I was noticing this weekend that now I'm the "good" one, but yesterday she was really laying into my stepfather and screaming at and berating him for really silly nonsense, like the vacuum not being put back together properly.  I also noticed how hard he tried to make her stop being angry at him, including that this morning there's a big DD coffee on the counter and a DD bag with a bagel in it for her.

I did the same thing yesterday morning.  I got up and cleaned the bathroom I'm using and the terrace where the cat's litter is and left her a note that I'd cleaned everything.  She was pleased by all of this.

That is how it is in this house with this Queen.  We all rotate around her moods and blowups and seek her approval.  And my T pointed out to me recently that she's also the reason my stepfather + me don't get along.  My T said that my mom wouldn't be able to cope with that and has set it up so we don't like each other but are dependent on her and competing for her attention and approval.  Wow.  That was an awakening because it's really true.

Being back home has made me realize how deeply destructive my parents are.  I am waiting now for my mother's next mood or rage.  It's 10:30 am on Sunday.  She hasn't woken up yet.  There's always some suspense in the morning wondering what kind of mood she'll be in today.

So, I agree with you completely and don't at all trust Good Mommy.  I am setting my own boundaries, such as lying to her about certain things.  Now that I'm starting to understand the BPD, I can see what I've done wrong in the past.  I've let her back in when she's Good Mommy.  I'm not doing that now.  I'm slowly building a support network for myself outside of their home.  I've been attending 12 step meetings and trying to make new friends.  I am also reaching out to family members that aren't connected to her.  Unfortunately, and this is so sad, I can't even let her know if/when I have relationships with others because she's so jealous she sabotages them. 

For right now, I need to be here in this house.  So, I'm spending most of the day outside of the home.  I am trying to make it work because it's convenient for me to be here and I honestly don't have anywhere else to go right now.  I am seeing a new T next week, too, because my other new T told me she's dropping my insurance.  What's nice about the new T, though, is that his website says he has DBT training  |iiii

I am keeping my personal life and thoughts to myself. While I've kept my mother on my FB page, I blocked her from seeing my posts.  This way she won't see what I'm doing every day.  I'm just trying to create a boundary by not being around.  It's kind of like doing NC with her being here. 

However, I fear when the other shoe drops.  As we both know, uBPDs won't be managed and at some point, she'll be unnerved by the lack of access to my life.  So, I've got to be very careful to be nice to her and not let her suspect that I'm pulling away and strategizing on how to minimize her intrusiveness.

I am not sure what else to do.  Do you have any other advice for me on things that have worked with keeping your own BPD mom at bay?  Thank you. 

Howdy:  I believe your T is right on the mark in telling you that your mom is the reason that you and your step dad don't get along.  My mother worked very hard to keep me isolated from her friends and other family members.  Excellent idea about the FB, blocking her, excellent idea.  The less she knows about you and your life the better things will be for you.  This is what I meant by safety planning, you are working on coping skills to keep yourself out of harms way.  Yes, I lied to my mom over just about everything to keep my life away.  Also, please, understand, that you will never be the "good one".  You may have moments in the sun but never will you be good. 

I had to laugh, at your statement about suspense, My mother used a chair lift and the moment I heard that chair fire up, I would be on edge.  That sound signaled my husband - dashing out to the garage and me to the basement.  One could also tell what kind of day it was going to be by how many times she would say "Sh*t, God D___... .before she and the chair would come to rest at the bottom of the stairs. 

I am with you on just learning about everything that I did wrong.  I am currently re-reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.  There are some excellent tips on communication that I wished I would have had.  She was so hurtful that I would spend all my energy trying to discredit and devalue her opinion not realizing how it was setting me up for future altercations.  I was constantly defending myself and all I did was reveal to her my "tender" spots.  Anyway, my point is now that you are starting to see things in a different light, try reading or re- reading that book and see if you can't find ways to set your boundaries without war.  I am beginning to use some of the suggestions (in my letters to her) and finding there has been some success. 

Yes, exactly, having NC while being in close proximity.  That is just what I doing.  If you think she is going to be un-nerved, tell her just enough and I always waited for her to question, I never offered any information without a prompt.  I spoken in total generalities and lied when needed.  What I found that she wasn't really interested anyway and when I gave her nothing to fight about the questions became less and less frequent.   Oh, she used to open and read my mail... so I immediately would take my stuff and put it in a place that would keep her from seeing any information about me. 

I truly, truly, understand how difficult it is trying to live with someone like your mom.  Please stop with explanations of why you have to be in the home.  There is no need to explain.  Circumstances take us on journeys we never expected to travel. 

Hello :)

I have the same problem with mine and it's horrible.

She was the BEST mother during good times and I'm not even kidding. She is good at reading people and she has a lot of common sense and emotional maturity, funnily enough. And she's so intelligent. She would help with homework, she'd find me books to read, when I had trouble with friends she'd help me out, give me advice. She would listen to me blab for hours. Whenever I wanted to learn something she approved of she would support it and make sure I got whatever I needed. She was perfect.

Then it turned. And during turns she would use everything and anything she learned about me during those hours of listening to me against me. Suddenly the friends I had trouble with were people I shouldn't be associating with and the fact I was associating with them despite certain problems meant I was lowering my standards and then the tirade of emotional abuse started.

And I'd tell myself, nope, Attie, next time you tell her nothing. Do not trust her. Give her no information.

Then her nice self was back, I was in trouble and I talked to her again. She is my mother... .who else was I going to talk to? 

I did that for many years... .and it still hurts. I love and hate her at the same time. And I'm still not over that.