BPDFamily.com

That is to say in the first go round you didn't know,  then you found out after the RS ended,  and went back in with that knowledge?

Was it any different second time round?

My ex told me of his diagnosis at the beginning of what was our longest and final recycle (2 years).  I had never heard of BPD before that.

I did some research and figured I could handle it.  I loved this person and I was willing to take his bad along with the good.  I tried some communication techniques that I'd read in "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." and I also tried to stop walking on eggshells, but it was never enough.  It was never going to be enough. 

He'll maintain his cycle, regardless of what his partner does for him, until the day he decides that he no longer wants to live that way. 

Yes i knew it after the last recycle but i had only been reading the boards and not posting so i didnt know as much as i do now. None of the proper skills for communication.(i though validation was all i had in my bag of tricks) Nor could i get the proper advice for my specific situation. It definitely didnt help i got murked... hard. One shot kill. lol

Yes. The whole time I've been on here, I've been trying to figure this stuff out. To be a better person, better with her, better without her. I learned about validating her, not rushing things, not taking it so personally... .But some of it was personal, and intentional. So I worked on that stuff, too. I looked into why she did what she did, and why I did what I did. What's it like for someone who's been abused? How do you overcome those memories and those patterns? Can you really help someone? Should you even try? Why was there so much resistance to it? I recycled because I was in love with her, as well as addicted to illusions, and recycled because I thought that with the knowledge I had found here, with the new tools, the continued good intentions, I could find a way to make things solid between us. I thought love and effort would do it. Like most of us did. But against BPD, it very rarely works out like that. I tried, but... .Here I am, detaching. The difference was I had more understanding of what was happening when the r/s went down the drain.

After the 2nd suicide attempt (sleeping pills, after the first attempt one of the conditions for us getting back together was that she stopped using them, which she just started sneaking instead), both triggered by me trying to break up with her, I came across some information on BPD and it hit the nail on the head. I found this site, browsed the staying board, read about SET, validation, and boundaries, and figured I would try again.

Trying to deal with her successfully felt disingenuous and like I was compromising my principles.  She was supposed to be going to therapy, but stopped going after a few sessions.  I continued to see a T and a P.  I eventually felt beat down, realized I did not want to spend the rest of my life with her or god forbid start a family after reading the leaving boards. There was too much resentment about the  past.  Things she had said and done, things she hadn't said and hadn't done. Me initiating the breakups usually led to escalating drama, so instead I formulated a plan with my T to use the 'play possum' approach.  I really was depressed, felt trapped.  We lasted another year, and in the final months she found someone else and we didn't sleep in the same bedroom.  We hadn't spoken in weeks, passing ships in the night around the house, before she finally initiated the breakup.  And then I was free.

     In my instance, the fact that she had been diagnosed with BPD didn't come until after the second recycle. I have vaguely heard the term Borderline Personality     Disorder before but had no idea about the mechanics of it. I immediately took it upon myself to understand the disorder and it was quite the eye opener.

     Having researched and understood the mechanics of how BPD works, I still was recycled many times before. I had it in my head that I could use the knowledge I had to navigate through the destructive patterns next time. As I ruminated about the past negative experiences in our relationship, I would convince myself I would do things differently in similar circumstances. In reality, nothing changed. As I have seen through much of the posts and through my own experience, the disorder always wins. No matter how prepared you are. No matter how much you are convinced by your BPD partner and/or even yourself, it will always be dysfunctional.