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In your experience what causes them to stop contact all together?

It seems that if they wanted any form of contact they would gather the courage to make contact.

Any thoughts?

From my experience, my uBPDbf gives me the silent treatment, because he associates me with  negative feelings.  He cuts me off when he cannot deal with his own feelings.  His defense mechanism is to impulsively escape and repress everything. 

EaglesJuju, that a very valid point.

Yeah. Last time i spoke to my ex gf, she told me she didn't want to speak to me, because it was peaceful and quiet without me.

Yes, you and the memories of the relationship become a trigger. Sad.

The strange thing is that mine will reach out, and then shut down if I respond.

So when do they remember the positive emotions relating to us?

I mean the first 7 months was absolute bliss, and she kept telling me she is falling in love with me more and more every day.

Then all the sudden break and hiding/running away.

Now she might associate negative feelings with me, but it seems like she cannot get past anything negative. Only replace them mask and hide them away. As we all know hating/avoiding someone take a lot more effort than it does to be indifferent.

It is awful that I cannot seem to think about anything else but her.

The first 1-2 months I couldn't even get a thought in my mind that didn't involve her. Then eventually I could start focusing on my work again, and then I would realize that when I was talking to someone or thinking about something, she would pop-up less and less in my mind.

When I felt at peace with the situation, then she would come into all of my dreams, that seemed more like nightmares in where I can never get close to her.

Now I still have lingering feelings of being without her. It sucks so much.

In the meantime I wonder how much she thinks about me if ever.  

Mine has never reached out to me so far. Possibly cause I never gave her a chance, but I was going between NC is good and bad for keeping things good between us.

Now I know initially it was very bad. Contact wasn't helping me either because I was so hurt. After all this pain I never ever said anything negative about her or to her. Always wanted to keep a nice tone, but eventually she just told me she couldn't handle it.

On our very last recycle, we decided to have a week apart (probably in fact so she could sleep around without conscience) and I was so stressed I agreed. I felt so relaxed as the week began, and thought at the end she would be able to draw a line and come back without the rage, splitting etc (how naive!) but after 2 days she said she felt much better and calmer without me, and it was over. I was a trigger for her by now. I was sad but accepted it. Immediately she said, I have changed my mind! Let's start all over again! I was very unsure about this but she promised this would be a total fresh start. But when we met up that evening she was already behaving in the same way. Except now she said it was me that was unable to 'move on'. And so began the shortest and maddest final recycle. And by this point I was too confused and exhausted to think straight, I just let it play out almost as an observer.

I never hear from her now, and I presume it is because as others say above, I am a trigger for the memories and shame of what she did. Easier to cut my out and hide her feelings behind the replacement, and his replacement, and all the others who will join me in the years to come.

The relationship was a bit like someone taking my brain out, shaking it about like one of those snowstorm things, and giving it me back all flying about and out of place. It has taken months for it to settle back down to normal.

Oh yeah and she told me she couldn't handle the push and pull. Pff.

Mine only cut off all contact when he became seriousy involved with the replacement.  I think this is party because it is more difficult for him to contact me without having to explain to her why he is contacting me and also because he is getting his attention from her now.

Mine did this too. Said he couldn't handle how I would beckon come here with one hand and with the other hand say stop, don't come any closer.

Whaaaat?

After I found out my ex BPD significant other cheated on me, I ended it.  He wanted me to remain, but I'm not one for a threesome!  Then, over course of a year, every 4 mos. he would contact me.  I did not reply.  I think he finally gave up when I did not respond to last email, where he made effort to rile me up by deliberately distorting conversation we had about my late husband.  It did make me angry, although I knew I would not reply.  At first thought he was "conveniently forgetting" conversation we had, then realized that no, he has memory of an elephant, and distortion was deliberate, desperate, last ditch effort to get me mad enough to respond and correct him.  I never answered the email and now it has been 7 mos. since I have heard from him.  How do I feel about this?  "Good riddance to bad rubbish!"

Mine too. She says she has less stress with me around. I think it has to do with us putting boundaries up and asking them to participate in the relationship. At least that is what I feel happened in my case. She wanted to get married and move in together. I said sure but she would have to make me a priority in her life. So no more running off for weeks with her brother, no more drinking excessively, no more just ignoring me. If we were going to have a life then we were going to have a real life... .which meant work and change on both our parts... .I haven't heard from her since. The work and change part is too much. She can't handle it.

You will have to excuse me because im still learning about BPD, but from what you guys are saying we are their triggers and it causes so much negative emotions such as shame that they avoid us? That makes sense as to why my exBPDgf would avoid me after the breakup even though she said she wanted to be friends. When I would ask her why she was being so standoffish she would flip on me. Occasionally she would come around when she needed something and I when I brought that to her attention she would flip again.

My now-ex couldn't handle an intimate r/s, one with honesty and reciprocation, compassion, friendship, etc. She has worked and changed, though. Worked on scapegoating me, finding someone else, disappearing from the marriage plans we had, the life together. That's the change she chose.

Mine too.

lol... .too true

Complained i never saw her enough, but with her 5 kids schedules everywhere, her coaching VB, there never was time. She would never tell me her schedule.  She loved the chaos. So when i didnt drop what i was doing to run to her, id get the you better treat me special or im gone. She finally dumped me, next day with another dude. Tried to make it right. Got slammed by her for it. Now day 3 of NC. Mind is all over the place. Sucks to be me

Sorry to hear that. I know the beginning was like the end for me, but now things seem manageable a few months later.

How long were you together?

A year and a half Shellbent. Met her as she was divorcing when she had nothing, no job, stay at home mom. Then, as her coaching again began to pick up, on top of kids schedules, plus my household to take care of and kids (mine are older), we didnt seem to have time and it was always my fault. Should have seen that coming. Finally i got my final treat me special or else demand. I shut down. Didnt contact her while i tried to think this over. During that time, she made me black and thats all she wrote.

In a moment of clarity she told me.

Anger (projection).  Anxiety, shame, guilt and helplessness.

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She has told me she feels numb and cannot cope with life in general, and i understand there's nothing i can do to change that (although i obviously feel compassion for her struggles).

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I have no idea if you will hear from her again, i was in the spot where i was sure i would never hear from her myself until a recycle, push/pull and further projection.

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At the point that i decided i had had enough i'm able to be pleasant with her while not getting drawn into any spiral any more.

It's when you stop caring or aren't emotionally invested in them any more that things change.  

I can't presume to know your personality but while i already a degree of confidence in social situations, i am now fearless when it comes to approaching someone, and am not afraid of rejection.

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After the pain and dust has settled, this might be the legacy a person with BPD leaves us with!  You finally learn exactly what you had to offer, and understand that a person without a mental illness will see that too.

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When it is time to " get out there " you may be very pleasantly surprised as to the insight you have on yourself now, and how you interact with others again.

They dissociate to protect themselves. It's a defensive coping strategy.  Memories (pleasant or unpleasant) are "erased" and history is rewritten. It's survival.  That friend is "all bad." That partner is "all bad." That family member is "all bad." There's no middle ground.

Interacting with someone they've painted black, may challenge their negative beliefs about that person. I imagine that's pretty scary for them.  They avoid contact to sustain negative beliefs, thus keeping themselves one step ahead of experiencing shame.

Then why do they recycle?

Wish there was a REW or FF button, whatever would help. Eject. It is so sad to hear all these stories and not that I am conceded but all of these women sound like they don't even deserve us. Yet we still have so much compassion that we can still care about them and they expect us not to have any expectations whatsoever.

Why are people so selfish? I only wanted what was best for my ex. The reason I let her go is because I still loved her and cared about her and it seemed like the only thing I could do to make her happy. This is so hard.

I think I learned a life long lesson. I guess things could have gotten worse if we had kids together. Or were married.

Just keep doing things for you and someone will eventually see what we have to offer and they will not try to take it but offer something else in return.

Stay strong Deeno02, I really feel for you!

1. They don't need us anymore

2. They don't think they can control us anymore

3. We remind them of their shame and pain

I really want to know what my ex was ashamed of or guilty about.

I mean she had so much anxiety before she met me that it was sad.

I did seem to make all those negative feelings go away though at first.

Is it something that she didn't tell me, she seemed like such a sweet person, someone who trusted me completely. I have no idea what I did to lose her trust.

The problem was that she never expressed herself, so who knows how long she had been feeling anxious about being with me.

I always made her feel special and I've never loved anyone as much as I loved her.

There were times after out bu that I wanted to yell at her and hate her and tell her to go f** herself. Somehow I always managed to keep a level head and talk to her politely and calmly. I don't know what I did to make her need to distance herself. I guess she felt like I was trying to manipulate her back into the rs.

All I wanted was for her to be able to open up tell me what she fears, what her problem was with me. That never happened though.

She exploded inwards and kept all that rage bottled up.

I can never stay mad at her, I'm mad at her disorder. It seems so unfair that we had something so close to being perfect. It makes me sick to think about finding someone else now. Things were happening so quick, so easy, like how I imagined it would be like with the one. Now talking to anyone is a huge effort, not to mention I'm not even really attracted to them.

From what I have been seeing on here and everywhere else, it is when they have no one to turn to anymore and feel like they are going to go insane, they rewrite history (distort) and realize that person wasn't as bad as the current one is now. It often seems to be the first thing they do before trying to latch onto someone new.

I think mine was trying to recycle her ex, even though she made him out to be the worst boyfriend ever, not caring enough, obviously she didn't love him anymore, but that didn't even seem to matter.

My gf said I changed. I guess she stopped idealizing me.

I don't think it was about control in my case because I was madly in love and even begged her not to give up on us. That was when I thought she loved me, cuz not long before that she said she did.

She did need someone because I don't think I was being replaced right then and there. She realized she had problems and wanted to work on them.

Soon after that though she tried going back to her ex.

Which she told me he was still not over her and that she can never go back once she has closed a chapter. (I think this is BS, just she probably got rejected so she projected)

I cannot imagine why I would remind her of her shame. I might have caused her pain because she saw that I was heart broken and dying inside by being dumped.

It may be that she ended up cheating on me and felt like it was my fault for cheating.

I really just don't know, someone might have told her something about me (lied), and I just would never know. She couldn't confront me about anything.

And the last talk we had about what happened. I wanted to know why we broke up. All she could say is "it just didn't work out between the two people we were then" What the heck kind of answer is that. Does she even know? I told her to be straight up as anything else would keep me hoping.

So finally I said "is there anything you want to ask me and I'll be completely honest". She said "I can't ask you yet".

Don't get it. How am I supposed to just walk away from the love of my life without actually knowing what I did to lose her? ugh... .

the shame could simply be that they know they hurt you...   outta sight, outta mind

I thought of this too, but as I work with her I was still trying to remain in contact. She would make excuses not to spend time with me and I was doing all sorts of nice things for her. So yes I was hurt but I felt like we were still important to each other. I respected her wish to not be pressured about a rs anymore.

I was being kind and loving to her not hurt and vengeful.

She hurt me a lot more by cutting me out completely and avoiding me, making up little lies. Instead of just telling me what she wanted.

i broke 11 days of NC to respond to my ex, who spent the past 1.5 weeks contacting me in various ways. less than one minute after i finally responded, i was subjected to another rage, then he immediately shut down.

i always think it couldn't possibly hurt any worse, but somehow it always does.

This I don't get?  Her family members treat her like crap. They put her down dump on her and her brother verbally and emotionally abuses her. Yet she always chooses them. She left me for them. She can't leave them. Is it because hey are all mentally ill?  They all drink together and live in chaos together. Why doesn't she  ever paint them black? 

The shame could come from something that we don't even know about. Mine was cheating on me and she didn't think that I knew what was going on. But I did know what was going on. In the beginning I just asked her if she was losing interest in our relationship. At that point she broke up with me. I gave her an opening to split from me. I gave her a full month to admit to what she was doing. I'm fairly certain that if I had not given her that talk and an opening to end the relationship, that she would have continued to cheat behind my back. So in my case, she had taken the other relationship to the point of no return. When I told her that I've known the whole time and I had proof, that is when she went absolutely bonkers and totally treated me like garbage. This is what I feel caused the shame.

Don't put it past these people to cheat. Sex with new supply seems to be their way of detaching from us, because they got to close to us. They want to be close to someone, but they can't. When they have sex with replacement, they get their need for closeness fulfilled for the time being.

Trying to figure out the answer to this can drive you crazy. The answer is different in every situation but we will never really know the reason.  It's hard to accept but we are much better off when they stop contacting us.

Yes, that's what's familiar to her. Abuse, and chaos.  Dysfunctional is the norm.

Maybe she does. Inside she might be stewing, but not expressing.

She keeps it hidden? Feels outnumbered? Taught to take it?

Maybe she feels less disordered in that situation?

It's where she got many of her patterns in the first place.

Us outsiders, we're not really part of the deeper dysfunctions.

There's gravity and then at some point the orbits just don't line up.

They realize that they are no longer able to manipulate and control us, so there is no need for us in their lives.  They don't have us to project their own self loathing onto.  They need us to be dependent on their emotions.  They need us to be there so they can manipulate us into believing we are the only ones who can make them happy and to rescue them from the misery they feel.  Once they realize that we no longer allow ourselves to be manipulated and controlled by them, they reject us.  They are unable to control themselves and their emotions, so the only way they can feel in control is by  emotional blackmail through which they know that they have control of us,  They manipulate us into thinking we are in control, and they are helpless and needy.  But the fact is, we have allowed ourselves to be manipulated by their helplessness and neediness in such a way that we surrender all control to them.  They only fool us into thinking we are in control,   They control your emotions, your thoughts, your actions, and your happiness.  You are not allowed to have positive emotions, positive thoughts, and there is no way they will allow you to be happy.  Once we have had enough of this manipulation and control, we see we are liberated from their hellish emotional snare, we finally realize that we are able to control our own lives and make our own decisions, have friendships and relationships with others they forced us away from with their emotional blackmail and manipulation.  We see that we are not responsible for their happiness.  Nor are we to blame for their misery as they would have us believe.  They are not at peace because we are no longer in their lives to cause the chaos that we constantly endured with them.  Though it is true, that the chaos may be gone in our absence, the chaos was only their because we were the one they can project their own self loathing and shame.  They ensured the chaos flourished by their lies and distortions, cheating and deceit, criticism  and shaming, accusations and blame.  This way we are manipulated into feeling guilt and shame. That we must do what they tell us we must because we are the only ones who are able to make them happy.  To rescue them.  How can we make someone happy who won't allow us to be happy? How can we ever rescue someone from themselves?

Shellbent the way you are playing your cards with Nc is exactly how I am at the moment. I am full NC and playing it safe. I am not talking bad about her to anyone and I haven't even talked to her at all since the b/u. Hopefully I can keep this up though it has only been a month so far. She has reached out to me a couple of times (not many) but I never responded.

It is probably taking a bigger toll on me than her.

i hear ya. Mine has not reached out either. Probably cuz shes in honeymoon phase. Her eldest son talks with me, cuz hes friends with my son and my ex coaches their vb team, but i dont ask about her, just the kids. He did ask tonight if I returned the engagement ring... .i told him it wasnt his problem. Ive kept to myself, no contact with her at all, and your right, its taking a hell of a toll on me, but its day by day. Only on second month so far.

This seems logical. She knows she cheated, lied, and treated me like garbage. A couple of times when she was acting nutty towards me, I told her that no matter what she did, that I would still love her and be there for her. Each time she looked like she was about to cry, but then sucked it back up and started raging again. She knows what she did and I was still being very nice, calm, and caring towards her and she couldn't handle it. That's exactly why my ex will never contact me again. Not to mention the fact that if we ever talked about things, she wouldn't be able to explain all of her lies that don't add up.

I'm not sure because it's never happened with me.

I think if you had worked them out and started to call them out on all their bad behaviour they might scarper but other than that I don't know.

Mine can't leave me alone for more than a couple of days