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Hello. Any help greatly appreciated. I am wondering... .just how passionately does a person with BPD have to defend the false, wonderful image they portray to others outwith our relationships? How threatening to them is the prospect or reality of others finding out that they are deeply flawed/ a compulsive liar / not the honourable, wonderful person they have so far managed to have others believe?

I imagine very much so, but am hoping to hear your opinion/experience.

Having been utterly devastated to be on the receiving end of my recently ex BPD boyfriend bare faced denying any obligation (moral or legal) on his part to repay the £10,000 + loan he has of mine, and becoming aware that he has lied totally to all around him, convincing them of his apparent total lack of obligation to give me any of my loaned money back, I recently spoke with a family member - who was very approachable, very sympathetic and able to tell that I was telling the truth. She was totally shocked at his behaviour and the clear lies he had been telling her and all others. She has since challenged him on his behaviour - and he's gone mad, totally mad at me in response. 

I have been on the receiving end of 4 increasingly aggressive, threatening and mind bogglingly dillusional texts from him (starting with him warning me away from his family, to then, when I didn't reply, insisting that in talking to his family member I had 'stopped any chance of us working out the relationship' (What the heck?) and that I then had to accept the relationship was over and "respect myself enough to walk away" (I never once discussed wanting the relationship - only my money he owed me), to his recent text, which he has sent when I haven't replied to any of his other increasingly erratic and menacing communications, stating that I 'went to town on him when I spoke with his family member and it was inappropriate', and then threatening that that he will contact the police if I come near him or his family!

What is going on and how do I proceed from here?

What is swimming about in my head is that;

He is utterly threatened by his façade being challenged.

He needs to be the victim and his family member being aware of his outrageous behaviour denyed him that - and also shamed him.

He is trying to make out that I am out of line and somewhat stalking him/his family ( with my one amicable conversation with his family member who was happy to talk?) and use this 'stalking' behaviour to push me away and make me feel unable to pursue the huge sum of money he owes.

He unbelievably seemed to be implying that there had previously been some kind of possibility of reconciliation between us, (but that I somehow blew this by standing up for myself and not letting him steal my money).

Any feedback very much appreciate please.

Thankyou.

C14x

C14, where are you at regarding taking direct legal action to get your money back?

it sounds like you have a solid case. his reaction to you contacting his family member is exactly what i would think would happen. there is a lot of drama going on that perhaps could have been avoided by simply taking the legal route and leaving it at that. at the same time i think you are working through the extremely tough emotions of the situations so you keep doing everything except the only thing that will work (legal action) to retrieve your money. i do think there is something positive to gain from your recent interactions. as you pointed out you now have seen your ex face to face and recognize how delusional and toxic he is towards you. a while ago i recommended the best strategy would be to start taking legal action and not telling him (or his family) anything. then let the chips fall where they may. i think it's good to recognize though that all this push back you are getting now may actually simply be due to the fact that you are doing all this other stuff (connecting with him, his family, etc.), because you haven't fully accepted the reality of the situation. from the outside looking in i could see that there was no reasoning with this person. and that you shouldn't share any information with him at all. however it's understandable for you being so fresh out of this that you perhaps just don't believe that he's 'that bad'. well, he is that bad. it's up to you to decide how much you need to see before you are able to accept this for yourself. you are going to hear him kick, scream and cry bloody murder no matter what. but you can expedite this whole process when you are able to stop feeding him information and simply pursue a legal settlement being as removed from the situation as possible. i hope this comes across more as strategy than me being critical of your recent interactions. everything is still fresh for you and i think you've been taking these roundabout steps to get your money back because you keep having faith in something that isn't true. i think having his family member agree with you probably felt incredibly validating for you. at the same time you have to be realistic--of course he's going to react the way he is. and he will continue to smear and lie his way out of this. no amount of talking or reasoning will change his position at all. so at this point you have to decide how much evidence you need from him before abandoning these gestures. are you ready to stop trying to interact or be 'reasonable' with him, and to move forward with legal action?

Hi there Goldylamont,

Thankyou very much for your prompt reply. It came when I needed it most, and while you are very direct, you are very accurate.

I understand and agree with all that you have said. For me, I see now that I did think 'he won't be THAT bad' etc. I don't regret seeing him though - I needed it - I needed, for me, to look him in the eye, give him that chance to communicate - just incase it was shame that was preventing him from addressing his debts and hear what he had to say. 

What I was presented with was a man nothing like the 'honourable, loving, I'm a lover not a fighter' man who tricked me into loving him. He stunned me with his self dillusion and total reinventing of reality. He blew my mind with his total disregard for me or my daughter - and I saw, with my own eyes, the huge crater he's dug for himself and currently sits in - looking up at me and challenging me to challenge him - attempting to double bluff me; "just you take me to court - it will give me a chance to wear my suit."

Classic.

Tragic.

What an unimaginable B*****d.

I need the meeting to see what I was dealing with, with my own two eyes... .and as I told him before leaving 'I won't be back. We won't talk in person again.' to which he panicked a bit, but tried to keep up the bluff.

Tragic.

So, in answer to your question, am I ready to go legal? I see that I have 2 options only now - make my peace with the loss of a substantial amount of money and walk away for the sake of peace OR take the legal route.

I have a meeting with a solicitor this week. I do wish to go legal. I put up with so much throughout the 'relationship', I forgave the unforgivable... .I tolerated the insane - I finally draw the line at some guy coming into my life and effectively stealing from my daughter and I. No chance.

I am prepared to go legal, as long as the solicitor is hopeful of a win.

He never deserved the love he got. He is not the man he lead me to believe. I've been fooled more than once,  I see that. I deserved so much more.

He lost the best thing he ever had  - and I know he'll know it.

Fingers crossed for the solictor's meeting.

Thank you for being there.

C14 x

 In side the relationship, me mere mentioning the idea that she did something wrong was met with rage, silent treatment, and turning it around on me.

To the outside world, my ex would furiously defend her false image. When something my friends or family did bothered her, and she complained to me about it, I was not allowed to tell the other person to please stop. If she did something wrong or we fought, I was severely threatened not to tell anyone. She worked very hard at maintaining an image of being perfect.

Because of the this, most of my family and friends can't believe the things I tell them now, the act like I'm crazy and don't really believe me. They don't say that mind you, but it seems like they aren't buying, if that makes sense.

It's advanced crazy making, not only did she do the normal BPD crazy making to me, but she perfectly cultivated her image so my family/friends treat me like I'm nuts when I try and explain she wasn't perfect...

Solid. The fact that you gained something from meeting with him is invaluable (and heartbreaking). At the end of the day the behavior of disordered high conflict individuals is so unbelievable that I think we need to go through our own processes to fully convince ourselves of this. Often this means interacting with them again. I kept in touch with my ex after breaking up as well. And I don't regret doing so because I was able to see more of the truth of the situation. Even though it changed nothing regarding our r/s, it solidified some things I felt and helped to heal some others. So many others go into reconnecting though with a lot of naivety and more damage than good is done. I can be protective so I just wanted to make sure you were OK... .I hope I wasn't too direct!  

It really sounds like you have your head on straight and priorities in order. Best of luck with trying to get your money back. You didn't deserve any of this, my heart goes out to you and I hope you can get back at least some of the $$!  

Thankyou Goldylamont,

Yes, I agree that, like yourself, that final stage of contact was about processing what seems just so unbelievable. Needing to doubt check before I could allow myself permission to escalate it to it's natural next step.

My compassion just continued throughout my approach - offering him the chance to talk it through, come to some mutually pleasing arrangement (which would have been a hell of a lot cheaper for him than what is mostly likely now to come) and offering the chance to keep goodwill between us. Silly me.

I see now he couldn't cope with such adult, functioning aspects and needed to keep my painted black to justify the blatant theft of my savings.

What a guy.

Straight talking is good.  :) Protective is good.   Thankyou for both.

Fingers crossed that the truth will out.

|iiii

C14x

Thankyou Tim Tom,

Yes, the façade seems to be everything. How sad that their sense of self is so defined by what others think. What a lonely world to live in.

I totally get what you are saying and while I'm watching him panic and try to pick up the pieces after my discussion with a family member, whom has since challenged him, I see even more clearly just how imperative his loving, honourable and loyal image is to him.  

So far from the truth. So sad.

I fell for it though, and I'm savvy in the real, non BPD world! So, he's had a lot of practice, and for him, the stakes are high.

Just wondering, given his insistence that I deal with this through the legal system, what he gains by his reputation, honour and conduct being questioned publically?  Surely that can't be his idea of fun?  Or it is his only option to double bluff me in the hope that I won't challenge him? Or does it allow him to play the victim; 'Look what she's doing to me? I can't believe it?'

Silly, silly boy.

I wouldn't live his life if you paid me all my money, and some.

C14     

i think he's just being a bit spiteful and impulsive. i doubt he's thought it through all the way.

a thought just came to mind, and this is just a thought at this point. and that is that i would be very careful Compasion14 of your ex completely turning things around at this point. i mean, a full apology, him being sweet, caring and communicative. if being exposed actually could damage his image he could easily turn to other tactics to get what he wants from you. just make sure to proceed now and don't delay, no matter how much he is nice and sweet, etc. he is capable of turning into the guy you first met--this isn't difficult to do for them temporarily if they need something. but unless you see the money and it's deposited in your account... .don't give any words he says any merit.

again, just conjecture at this point. but now that you've taken a stand and now may have the upper hand in this issue, once he is able to look at his options, don't be surprised if he re-approaches you with a kind, forgiving tone. don't believe anything but a real check  :)

In my case my ex was very threatened. I ended our relationship because I caught her cheating. She continued texting like clockwork every other day around 10AM for two weeks. I would reply with one word answers. The morning of the last day we spoke she asked me to instigate texts "sometimes".

Later that afternoon I learned about BPD and suggested to her that she see a therapist. She responded by saying that she truly regrets ever meeting me. I received an email the next morning telling me to stop harassing her and that she had changed her phone number and email address. I responded that I would never contact her again. Four hours later I received a call from the local police. She was at the station and had the police officer ask me to never  contact her OR HER FRIENDS ever again!  I said "no problem" and we never communicated again. So yes, they are very threatened about people finding about about their facade.

I made the mistake and tried to maintain a friendship after I ended the relationship. I got in a spot of trouble and told her. She suggested we meet for lunch I agreed. She called the day we were supposed to meet drunk claiming she ran away (sex with supply) and couldnt make it. I heard the new supply in the background asking if she was coming back to bed. I texted two days later I felt hurt that she chose alcohol and sex over her "best friend ever" I told her I didnt hate her and I hope her new lover fills the void in her heart (she is back with the husband she lied to me about mind you) and I just hope she finds peace and happiness. I was greeted with furious angry texts accusing me of calling her a ___ and a slut, telling me I was delusional claiming we were sex buddies mind you I did none of this. I responded how do you view me? Am I a lap dog or your fool? The next day she told me she was in rehab (lie) and her substance abuse counselor advised no contact. I apologized. She then over the next week bombarded me with I hate you but love you texts. I was called a stalker then she told me if I bought new pillows she would come back to my house then I hate you then I want to comfort and consloe you followed by Im youre still my best friend even if you hate me. I could tke no more and as I had just discovered this wonderful place I initiated NC. She drug the mutual friend who informed me about BPD and this site into it si I broke NC and told her all that was my mind going back to 2006 when she initially approached me on myspace. I was called a sorry victim loser and a stalker. I didnt reply. I awoke to a voice mail that sounded not hurt nor mad but perplexed stating I cant believe we will never talk again and she cant fathom I think she is a piece of crap. I remained NC. They freak out bad bad bad. I told her you arent that hard to figure out in my final text and that enraged her even worse.