BPDFamily.com

So here's the thing.

I want to be at peace, practice mindfulness, self-awareness, meditation, love, and grow.

Meanwhile, I'm married to someone who claims the same but suffers from BPD and I feel like I'm strapped on a rollercoaster ride with very little independent time without judgment and condemnation for "choosing something above her".

Am I dreaming, thinking that I can ever achieve this while in this marriage?

I am wondering the same thing.  Feel like I am half in/half out the door in my mind.

PM'd you with a link for some coping strategies and ways to deal with it and restructure your relationship

Yes, I think you are dreaming if you think there can be peace in a chaotic relationship.

I think that deep down, you know the answer yourself. If that's the case, allow yourself to act on it. Things don't just "get better" because we really want them to.

upsidedown_world it is possible, but for me I had to change my frame of reference if I was to stay with my dBPDh. So I have to aim smaller, make the pockets of time for me easier to fit in to a different way of living with someone.

I try everyday to do something I love that makes me feel good- for me it can be as simple as leaving 1/2 hour early for the school run in the afternoon so I can read a book, or sometimes pull over and watch the farmers havesting. Last year I watched a man thatch a roof on a barn, I pulled over for 20 mins once a week to watch.

I make time to read on this forum and give responses to people reaching out for support as people did for me when my life is in chaos.

I see a T every week and go for a coffee after and just people watch.

I bake cakes, I garden, I do DIY about the house all those things bring me peace of mind.

Does my husband still get triggered by my absences, do they make him paranoid, can it cause him issues. Yes to all those things, but it is getting easier for me to deal with, there is a pattern.

I make sure that my husband knows where I am going and what time I will be home. If I am out for a long time I will usually text a hello and a time reminder once. If he phones me frantically over and over I will answer one time and just listen for five mins and repeat time I will be home. I then don't answer phone again.

I practice mindfulness when he is ranting and having a really bad day, I use visual imagery to stay with how I am feeling and to not react to his chaos in a stressed way, this is a new thing for me but I like it - I focus on my feet a lot.  :)

I do not explain myself or my wants to my husband anymore as an attempt to soothe him, they are part of who I want to be - whether or not my marriage survives the changes I am making I only know that today things are better and I know

I will not return to the chaos that once was our life.

Hey upsidedown, 

Fair question.  I have been in your shoes, my friend.  I toiled in the trenches of BPD marriage for 16 years so I know where you're coming from.  I consider myself a strong and loyal person, but at the end of the day BPD proved too much for me.  I don't miss the drama.  Perhaps you can make some adjustments that will help, as Christoff and sweetheart suggest. 

Hang in there, Lucky Jim

Changes to her meds seem to have helped drastically in reducing her level of anxiety and paranoia.  Cautiously optimistic here.

Glad to hear.  I had a different scenario, as my BPDxW was opposed to meds and repeatedly dropped out of therapy, so it was extremely difficult to make any lasting progress.  Lucky Jim