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Is it just me or does the real idea of meeting up with the ex wBPD make you physically Ill?

For the longest time my ex on numerous occosions suggested meeting up but even though I missed her the reality of it gave me the shakes and made me feel physically ill and put my mind In a spin. Her gas lighting and abusive behavior has made her so much a trigger for me I just don't think I can bring myself to be in her presence. My heart yearns and I care about her but my nervous system says otherwise.

I've noticed that everytime my BPDbf (maybe s2bx) texts me, I have an anguish pain in the pit of my stomach: what is he going to say? Is he going to threaten me about money, or provoke me in some other way?

He saw T 2 days ago and has started to show consideration and respect (dunno how long for though). But that pain wouldn't go. In fact just seeing his name on my cell phone screen freaks me out.  :'(

I did have this problem for a while,  during the last stages of devaluation I went and met her a couple of times and it just did me in really badly. At the time I didn't know she was BPD so I was so confused and worried about her erratic behaviour.

Now though I don't have that problem anymore but then again I'm being painted white so maybe that's why,  she's actually being nice to me.

Yes Yes and more of Yes. I literally get nauseated and it doesn't even have to be about the thought of seeing her. Even the thought of past things like kissing her makes me literally feel like I want to vomit. I also feel skeeved out with myself like as if my whole being is dirty. Kinda like my soul is dipped in dirt. Anxiety attacks come on heavy from these thoughts also. Heart pacing,sweating, and all kinds of physical attributes that are unpleasant to say the least. I hope I never see her again but yet theres a part of me that does hope I do if that makes any sense. I don't know what for but more then likely just validation and closure which I obviously know I will not get from her because she is not a healthy person. Guess I'm not anymore either judging from looking at what I wrote in regards to the symptoms of those types of thoughts.

It's the same way for me. Unfortunately I have to work with my ex and if I know she is gonna be around me I have terrible anxiety and I feel sick to my stomach. She walks around wearing her mask like she the sweetest and nicest girl and could do no wrong. I want to expose the truth about her so bad but I cant. A lot of people know she's trouble but a lot don't either. She has been calling off a lot lately and I wonder what's going on with her. The last time I saw her i caught her starring at me. We looked each other in the eyes for a just a few seconds and she had this strange look on her face... .like a lost little girl... .kinda like she was hollow too.That image haunts me.

That's your gut feel screaming at you Blim, mine did the same thing; our gut feel, which is never wrong, will find a way to get our attention, one way or the other, even if it needs to extend the feel from our gut to our entire body.  My shoulder completely seized up when I was with her, and after the sigh of relief once I left her, it healed well on its own.  The issue in these relationships, as you mention, is when our heart and gut disagree, and our brain chooses to follow our heart; our gut won't shut up because its trying to protect us, time to listen?

Yes Blimblam I understand the feeling. I have a spidey-sense for FOG now. I'm around her 2 minutes each week for picking up and dropping off kids. Sometimes she has a fake niceness and others she's projecting or emotionally blackmailing.

I get that knot in the stomach to all of it and it's a reminder to not go back. I don't know who she is anymore. Her personality is different, she's edgier after having been split black and her personality seems different. She's mirroring the replacement? I don't know him other than he's milquetoast and she seems quiet like him at times. It makes me think how she was mirroring me. I don't identify with her anymore.

I feel the toxicity and I want to leave as quickly as possible. It's strange thinking back and being in the FOG and feeling like it was a normal way of life. I see her in an entirely different light. I don't see what the attraction was other than her having me on a high pedestal. Something that I understand that is not a healthy r/s now.

My gut told me meeting my ex was destiny. That it was meant to be, and it was going to be intense. That we would be important to each other. Real love. This all turned out to be true. Were we actually soul mates though or did we in the end mostly just hold mirrors up to each other? I believe in the original instinct, and wouldn't trade those moments for the world, so the truth of what drew me to my lover who seems to have BPD is who I am and what I believe. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't good for me. Or her.

Don't feel sick, Blimblam, feel sure. You've seen the light. You haven't turned away and it's changed you for the better. Feel safe in that. You're still detoxing, breaking the spell. It'll pass. You are yourself. Be yourself.

Destiny.

The exact word I used to get in my head regarding her.  It was "destiny" that kept me hanging on during push/pull

Thank all you guys. 

Yes when I met her from the first look. I knew it was her. Like my entire life was leading me to her and I found it. Every door within myself was opened.  It has been incredibly painful.  My life will never be the same. 

This cartoon I found when I searched waif on YouTube sums up pretty much the realizations I had a few months back. 

The waif of Persephone

www.youtu.be/m12soJiCPcc

It means that you are a long way from home is only the thoughts alone trigger you.

No offence my friend! It is an awful feeling which need time!

Blimblam on one side you have gained so much wisdom, shows that on the Board, helping therefore others

On the other side your actions, and thoughts forget what is good for you!

I know it is not a linear process, sometimes I felt back to the beginning. Total unbelief, devastated and is the world would end.

Use your wisdom Blimblam, use it, for YOU!

Thanks.

Yeah there is still fog within me.  In a way I could dismiss it but I really think it is an important part of the healing.  She definately got in my head and made a mess.  Opened the doors to my past traumas.  It is typically when I get contact from her and she talks about meeting up for one reason or another that triggers me. 

I guess when ever these overwhelming feelings arise is an opportunity to process it.  It's not easy.  It really doesn't get any easier when a new surge rises up. 

I think I'll say a mantra to help with it.

This pain is behind which my true self dwells this to shall pass, all this pain is an illusion.