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After they randomly dump you for the 7th time (splitting) to date someone they don't even know, does making them jealous have any affect on them at all?

Hi Algae

I would suggest you don't do it if you value your life/relationships/work etc. because they are extremely vengeful. They will come back at you very hard and it is not worth your time. Yes, you WILL get a reaction from them if you make them jealous. Guaranteed. But don't do it.

You make it sound like theyre so unstable that they'd kill me >__> lol.  But just out of curiosity... what kind of reaction would be expected?  Good?  Bad?  Further driving them away?

Algae... .I totally agree here with Pieter2... .don't waste your time trying to make someone who has unstable emotional reactions jealous.  My exBPDbf is EXTREMELY jealous.  He used to say all the time when I first knew him that he wasn't jealous at all.  I didn't know him well enough to know how absurd a statement that was... .  Your question regarding what kind of reaction you would get is something no one can predict.  Anyone, personality disorder or not, can react good bad or indifferent.  But when you factor in emotional instability - based on someone who has abandonment fears - you probably are not going to get anything close to a good reaction... . 

They get insanely jealous.  Mine couldn't stand to hear that I'd been hanging out with a female friend after she'd devalued me and replaced me.

I got a rage message from her and actually called her to calm her ass down because I was concerned she was going to confront my friend (Who is very shy and sensetive) at her workplace.

Not a road to go down.

I think you need to keep in mind they are ill.  Tempting to make them jealous but why reduce yourself to their standard?

Well I'm not, I'm just curious at what could happen.


I see this happening.  I went to a concert one time and there were a bunch of girls there.  My gfBPD wasn't there and she got super emo on me.  She started saying she hated me for no reason and wanted to cut and her life sucked.  

And I have no idea why!  She never told me why she got so depressed.  I went to the concert to meet the singer and have him call her (which I've done 4 times already)  But she got so messed up I had to pull over on the side of the road to talk to her for hours on the phone

What could happen?  well, I personally have had to hide in the bathroom at work out of fear of my ex from his jealous rages - over things that NEVER occurred.  His rages intensified so quickly over a year ago, I wound up going to see a domestic violence counselor.  He has never physically hurt me although he did push me one time earlier this year.  The DV counselor told me yes he would absolutely become physically abusive at some point if I moved in with him.  Every rage was jealousy based.  Every time I've had to speak to a male coworker, and we are even talking VP's of the company who I cannot ignore !   He's gone off the deep end concocting scenarios of me having affairs with them. 

A jealous rage over a delusional thought is a scary thing.  A jealous rage over a real situation isn't likely to be less scary. 

Wow that does indeed sound scary.  I've never experienced that myself from the 4 years with my exBPDgf.  She mostly just gets an attitude and ignores me and gets super fussy... like a little 5 year old.  Then she ended up talking to others or trying to make me jealous.  BUT... that was only while I was with her.

Anything could happen. My ex got jealous even though he dumped me - he smashed my car windows I'm  defamed my character and spread lies about me.  I don't think there is anything he wouldn't do. Seriously don't mess.  I had known him for 7\8 yrs and though I knew about BPD and I'd seen rages but NOTHING like the hostility I am now on the recieiving end off.  Please be careful

My ex always says she is never jealous. She is a complete mess now that were no longer together. Im scared she will do something if she knows im dating.

After my ex finished it for good after our 7th recycle she became even more jealous than before obsessed with whether i found anyone new, checking my phone stalking my facebook. When she heard I'd been on a date she sent a nasty message, moved in with my replacement and painted me black forever. Funny realy, one of the first things she ever said was "I don't get jealous, but if you do just tell me and we can talk it over and move on." So untrue it is funny.

Mine would see minor threats e.g. me talking to another woman for more than a minute as justification to engage in punishing behaviours - e.g. try to get even by making me jealous. I was losing that game.

It only works when you really do stop caring and start having a good time with other people incl women - but by then you shouldn't even care if they are jealous. It's a catch 22 you see?

One incident that actually seemed to work for a few weeks was when I basically stopped engaging with her when she decided to not come to my birthday party nor to spend NYE with me as we had originally planned. I felt hurt by her behaviour and gave up on her and the relationship (temporarily) and spend NYE with my neighboor her bf and her friends. I tried to have a good time and forget about my ex. I posted some pictures of NYE - not to make her jealous necessarily - when she saw me standing next to a pretty girl smiling in more than 2-3 photos she went mental. She texted - who's that girl? Did you kiss? Then she came back on her best behaviour that lasted maybe three weeks and then back to base.

I don't think that my ex really cares what I do. I could probably die tomorrow and she wouldn't give a damn. The logical mind says, "what did I do to this person to make them feel this way towards me"? You would think with the way she treats me that I beat her or did something to her kids. Just fascinating and confusing seeing how this all works.

It may hurt them or drive them to prove you still value them in some way which may end up being very painfull. Or they may deny it had any effect at all which is not true.

In my circumstance, I am truly afraid of what my ex is capable of.  I think it might depend on what red flags you saw during the r/s.  Mine was extremely jealous, possessive and threatening in a very covert way.  I always knew to stay on his good side.  Now I am painted black after ending the r/s.  I will lay low for some time because I am not only afraid of what he could do to me, but also to the person I am with.  And I don't know how I could live with myself after that.

This is true mine was the don't get mad get even type.

I remeber one time we were at a house party and I put my hand on a womans bum. She then slapped mine right in front of my ex.  I didnt think anything of it until we all left the party and went out to the pub. My ex danced with this old logger guy for awhile and then he came back to our table and wouldnt leave her alone. I wonder what she said to him... .

We finally left the pub and we engaged in an argument about it when she punched me in the face three times and bloodied my nose.

I realize now she engaged with him to make me jealous.  Sounds like we are in our teen years doesnt it? In fact we were both in our fourties.

My own experience:

My dBPDex kept me "on the hook" for about 4 months. He left me for his ex wife when I was about 5 months pregnant. Once I gave birth and started to figure things out, I told him I was moving on. He LOST his mind. He was sending threatening emails to the guy I started dating, slashed his tires, followed us around town, refused to see his son or keep him over night (he didn't want me going out without him knowing), etc. It was terrifying. Luckily, the guy I ended up with is patient and can handle crazy. We have been together over 2 years and got married at the end of July. After all that time, we're still dealing with the craziness. My ex has kidnapped our child, broken into our home, all because he can't and won't ever fully move on, even though he is dating someone else now.

It's scary and sad all at the same time.

During the relationship, my ex ran the gambit of responses to jealousy.  Sometimes she would pour on the charm and flattery.  Other times it was giving me the cold shoulder.  Other times she would try to make me jealous.  Her favorite was to try to diminish the other woman, or women in general, in my eyes. 

She once went on a rant for 5 minutes about a girl who posted a happy birthday on my FB.  The girl happened to be my cousin.  She wasn't aware of that fact.   Once the rant was over I informed her of that fact.  Her response was "oh" and then trying to have sex.

After I refused to be recycled 13 months ago, she went on the warpath.  Despite the fact that she was married 3 months after our split, she has done her best to "poison the waters".  We are from a medium-sized town and have over-lapping social circles.  To this day, or as of at least 3 weeks ago when someone mentioned it, she has continued to attempt to portray me as a sexual predator and deviant.  She went so far as to contact a woman I am very close to, one that she was most threatened by during the r/s, to attempt to turn my friend against me.

If she's with someone else she's in her honeymoon idealizing. She is going to overvalue the new person. You're correct with splitting. She will have you split black and undervalue you. See only negative aspects. She will sort of have an amnesia of what you had together. She lacks object constancy and has problems conceptualizing your past as a person. Her view of you is in her present emotional state. A sort of emotional amnesia.

She sees you as how she thinks you are in the now as a bad person. She sees the world and the people in it in either black or white and has problems with the grey and lacks object constancy. I don't think you'll be able to make her jealous. Not in her honeymoon. She lives in the moment. I'm sorry.

I suppose I can see this.  I do know those 'amnesia' effects they have can go away... and they eventually can remember everything they had with someone, but I suppose thats after they get rid of the new person.

I have seen signs of her falling off her honeymoon. (Yes I am N/C... but we still follow a few accounts of eachotehrs and on my news feed sometimes i'll just see depressing quotes).  She doesnt post pictures of them together anymore even though they do hang sometimes, and she doesnt "Like" or "Thumbs up" any of his stuff anymore.

So idk if those are signs, but she's clearly falling off the honeymoon I think.  And idk if thts good for bad

You recycled 7 times and have an idea of how it's going to play out. Can you identify it with pain and suffering? You think she's pulling away from him. It is an attachment disorder. She lacks a stable sense of self. Do you want to detach? Do you want her to come back?

i know from experience that mine was very jealous but not towards the other person I was the one that was always punished. if a women flirted with me I must have asked for it or done something to encourage it. as far as jealous after the relationship has ended, I dated a few times we were broke up, whne we got back together she would have a fit and throw it up in my face. she would say if I had really loved her I could have never dated someone else. Even though she would do the same. It was comical now that I think about it, the double standards. I never went public with anyone I dated in between break ups, so i dont know how she would respond. I started dating again a few weeks ago, its going great I went public for the first time about week ago and I havent heard a word from exBPDgf. Which I am happy for that. I am really finally done with her. when that happens you will know it, I just woke up one day and no longer cared what she did, said, acted or if she was coming back cause it didnt matter because I was done. it was very liberating after 3 years of hell.

This can also happen to those of us who, for example, find out info online that our exes aren't so happy in their new relationships, which kindles old feelings in us that maybe we have another chance with them, can rescue them, that they can rescue us... .We can slip back into forgetting. Losing ground like self-esteem and time because of illusions. If our amnesia breaks, and we see the whole picture again, we're probably not as eager to jump back into that boiling pot. If we face it, that is. If we stay awake. It's up to us what's good for us.

Who cares!

You've left or they've left you, they have a severe personality disorder that has causes you immense pain STOP focussing on what they may feel or react to, this is all about you now.

Easier said than done my friend.  The healing process takes time. These wounds go to the core and many of us bonded to our ex at our deepest levels when ever we feel ourselves we feel the bond.  It ain't easy

I do understand that as was married to mine and have exactly those wounds and issues and that is what I'm interested in. I don't believe BPDs are capable of loving us like other people love or like we loved them and I dont think, knowing what does or does not make then jealous after you've decided to leave can possibly help any of us.

If we can make them jealous, how does that help us? I do get wanting to work them out but only in relation to how it effects us, certainly not in relation to any possible re-engagement with them on any level. Sometimes i think us Nons do need a slap to say 'focus on us', I'm sure we all chased our tails trying to work them out or please them for the entire length of the relationship, our lives are not finite, not only are we wasting time in our natural life, but worrying, fretting and obsessing about them also shortens the length of our lives. I am not 'above' this, i am just presenting the healthy view (this time!)

It seems like your in a really good place for yourself in the healing process which is great. 

The thing is bargaining is a natural stage in the healing process and I often go back there myself and when I do it tends to be fueled by a mixture of shame or guilt about where I am in myself at the time. 

I know your intentions are well but a mixture of validation and objective perspective seems to do me best when I am in bargaining. With my friends in life I became afraid to mention bargaining as they would just bring me shame by invalidating the process.

When the thoughts of our ex come up it tends to be a cover for underlying emotions we are dealing with and those issues tend to be wrapped in shame. That is why validation is so important so we can gain the courage to accept our shame.

Yes, it can and does have an effect, sometimes enormous, on NORMAL people.

Surely we all know, that it is just basically wrong, to try to hurt someone on purpose, by doing things that could make them jealous.

Excessive jealousy destroys relationships. So why nurture it. Even if the relationship has ended.

I KNOW, I've just joined this Board from "Undecided" because of my uBPDw's and/or uNPDw's excessive, uncontrolled, deadly, raging, jealously and I wasn't even doing anything to make her jealous with intent.

Nor unintentionally! I'm not that sort of person. Just imagine if I was!

It will hurt you mostly, if you do it on purpose. Your conscience. Because deep down you know it's wrong. Perhaps, that's why you are asking the question, or perhaps you still haven't fully detached emotionally.

This is SO HARD to do. The hooks and claws go deep.

You'd Need to ask yourself, WHY would you want to do it? And then you may just consider yourself not a very nice person, if you did.

I don't feel that this is the way to sort things out - FOR YOURSELF.

Rather move on - and look for your TRUE LOVE.

But first define what YOUR "True Love" is.

Never go back to a toxic r/s. You are only going to get hurt some more!

Wishing you only the best. It's up to you, in your hands.

Well yes but still, that doesnt really answer what I'm curious about.  If making an exBPD jealous would affect them in anyway?

With all respect, I know all of this "Why does it matter" stuff, but it doesnt answer what I'm curious about at all :/.  So it doesnt help me.

Yeah... go ahead... .make them jealous... .and stay around for the aftermath... .they will be so ruthlessly cruel to you that you would not have thought someone you loved could actually retaliate in such a rageful, hurtful manner.

Go ahead... .give it a shot.

I did nothing, was faithful, honest, etc. I do not get jealous or play those types of "GAMES"... .ever

... but my crazy-pants pwBPD somehow invented that I had... .and her behavior was just off the charts psycho. Just so, so ugly.

Go ahead. I dare you!  :-)

LOL!  |iiii

Echo that - I had to watch my everystep not to make her jealous and she 'd still engage in punishing behaviours but never admit jealousy herself. In one of her more lucid moments and after couples therapy I said to her I know you are jealous sometimes, why don't you express it to me when that happens, when something bothers you so we can explore it together?" My intention is not to make her jealous but happy. She admits it (enlightment bells ringing) and says because I think you want to purposefully make me feel jealous (hence revenge takes over - she didnt say this last bit about revenge). This is exactly why I don't want to be doing... .I said to her it is in my own interests not to make you jealous and unhappy because if I do that I lose too in this game. She never liked me saying things like that - i.e. that it is in own best interests to make sure she is happy too and care about her wellbeing because in that way I get happiness through her happiness too. It was too selfish for her standards and expectations of what love should be way. And it is only one way and unconditional. I was to make a selfless sacrifice of myself in the BPD altar of unconditional surrender... .Ranting aimlessly - i better press post... .

Who really knows what effect it will have. Even the experts!

Everyone behaves differently.

But are you really courageous enough, to go find out?

How emotionally mature is it to employ tactics like jealousy in a relationship?  You are just setting yourself up for nothing positive or healthy.

I know this doesn't answer your academic question, but I think the principle behind it is just wrong.

They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Echo That |iiii

Doing the right thing - is always critically important.

To be absolutely truthful, we Nons also experience jealously. We just control and process it better - Perhaps!

How did we feel, last time when our partner (or Ex) made us REALLY jealous. BIG TIME. Intentionally or unintentionally.

What effect did it have on us. The emotions! Think about it for a while. Did it HURT us.

Maybe we'll get the answer, when we answer the effect, it has on us! :light:

If this was the seventh time she's dumped you, then it wasn't random.  Your relationship is defined by dramatic, erratic, disordered (but predictable) behavior patterns. 

What happened that caused you and her to reunite the last time?  It's likely that whatever it was will happen again and you guys will reunite if you play your part in the pattern. 

But maybe you are feeling anxiety and worry that she won't return (abandonment depression) so your mind is spinning scenarios to get her to come back (maybe if she sees I have value with other women she will return).

Like I said before, if you continue to play your part, it sounds like she will come around eventually whether you stress about it or not.

The question is, what are you going to do when she come around again?

Jealously typically does have an effect on people in general, not just BPD. So yeah, of course it would have an effect. Just probably not the effect a 'normal' person would experience.

As with everything else, you should probably ask yourself "what is it I WANT to achieve here, and what is it that will actually happen?" I would guess most people here are of the opinion that it's definitely never a good idea to bait anyone, let alone a BPD person...

I would suggest that making your ex pwBPD jealous would have two possible effects... .

1. pwBPD could rage with fury as  (A) it "proves" you were seeing someone else or, (B) that they didn't do a good enough job crushing and destroying you.

2. They would see you as a try-hard and ridicule you.

Mine did both with her ex. The fact that he married an Asian woman when he is not Asian himself was cause for her to ridicule him. I never told her that I thought the new wife was a good looker and hardly a  reason for her to ridicule him, no sirree! :-)

To answer your question to the best of my ability, yeah it's going to affect them, just as any emotion is going to affect them. One of the defining aspects of the disorder is powerful, intense, emotions. When they get happy, they get HAPPY. When they get sad, it's the end of the world.

(Quick aside: This is why my ex hated taking anti-depressants. Her emotions are always so powerful and defining in her life, that when they aren't screaming at her she feels like a shell of herself. She doesn't know how to handle emotional "quiet". Back to the original point of this post.)

If you're wondering in what way they are going to react to the jealousy, well there's no way for any of us here to know for sure. It's really going to come down to the individuals and their circumstances. They could become threatened or possessive and seek to reestablish a connection with us in an attempt to maintain control. They may become defensive and hurt and lash out at us in anger. Or they may become depressed and seek relief from their emotions by running headfirst into a new relationship or whatever else their "safety blanket" is. Or they could try and make us jealous in return. As I said, it depends on the individual and their circumstances.

And that's if you can make them jealous to begin with. Years ago I tried a few times to make my ex jealous with the new girls I was dating. Didn't work once. In fact, it was a relief for her. She felt like she no longer had to carry around the shame and guilt she associated with our break-up, because I had clearly "moved on", and (at least in her mind) should no longer be upset with her over anything that happened in our relationship. Besides my personal example, there's the chance that they may be too wrapped up in a new relationship to care what we are doing. Or we could be painted black, and they could be too mad to care. They could just be done with the relationship. Or a million other reasons why they may not get jealous in the first place.

Point is, trying to guess the emotional response of an impulsive, emotionally unstable individual is really at best going to be a crap shoot.

I agree completely! |iiii

While I in many ways feel the same here's the thing.  The game

Exists people are playing the game we got played for not playing the game. 

Playing games is immature.

Playing games is not "having a relationship"

Playing games is not two adults loving one another.

It just a bunch of selfish, empty games? Nothing more.

People play games all the time and is how they relate.  Games are unavoidable but they don't have to be unhealthy. The danger is getting lured into playing unhealthy games.  Most personal empowerment type stuff I see out there is about how to win the game. While I think the solution is spreading awareness of what different games there are. The thing is these unhealthy games are so deeply ingrained into society they are nearly unavoidable.  

With my ex I was constantly attempting to expose the game she kept wanting to play.  

Look at this unhealthy game lets play another one and expose this to the light of day.  A non disordered person this may have worked.  

Even the I don't play games game falls right back into being a game.  It just takes trusting communication and open mindedness to work through the games to be self aware of the roles we fall into.

The main problem is when we forget they are games and we take them seriously with ill intent.

Initially in the early stages with my ex I made sure every game we played was self aware and satirical.  Exposing the games for what they were games so we could have a healthy relationship.  She was starting to catch on and was opening doors into her mind.  This led her to trust me. Unfortunately she dusregulated extremely badly and was institutionalized for a month and when she came back she was indoctrinated with their bs and was totally lost.

The topic is about making someone jealous so that they will want to be with you, or "want you" or whatever the needy need is.

This is immature, fear-based behavior. This is not the makings of a centered, loving relationship.

We are taking about having healthy relationships here... .aren't we?

I agree with you here 100%.

The jealousy game is almost always unhealthy unless it can be exposed to the light of day and worked through.  Which I think of as the expose the unhealthy game  game and play another game.

I also want to mention if I wasn't already so hurt by her devaluing I could have turned into threesomes on several occasions.  I was too deep in the fog and mind fudged though.  It really depends on the girl and your intention.  They play this game with or without you.  If they see other girls getting at you they will seek to make sure they have you as this raises your value in their eyes.

Just want to say I really appreciate all of the honesty here on this thread and I totally subscribe to the whole notion of "Transactional Analysis" and the games we all play in our lives and that we must expose these games and truthfully admit whether they are healthy for us and others, or not. |iiii

Well said. |iiii

The games definitely NOT healthy, for anyone.

These games can be extremely dangerous & even life threatening. By this I mean, that it can lead to and end up in suicide or murder. :light: