BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I'd previously posted in the new members area abt my BPD GF, and have been told by your Admins to also post in this section to help me out with detaching myself from this entire situation

Thepost can be found here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234165.0

I'll summarize briefly: I'm a 25y/o male in a relationship with a 22y/o BPD, we've been together for the last 4 months and we don't live together.

My gf has BPD with psychosis and has begun treatment for it in the last few days. We share the same P and she is currently in a different time zone, so I have that going for me. She keeps having episodes of psychosis and in those episodes she cheats on me, the last episode was last week before she temporarily moved for her internship.

The other episode of full blown psychosis was in the first month of her relationship, she cheated then too. I understand that she's not responsible for her actions at the time of psychosis but that doesnt mean that I'm not any less emotionally devastated.

I've been trying to get her back in therapy, but its been difficult. The past 4 months have been very emotionally taxing and I know I cannot keep this up anymore, especially since its impossible for me to fully appreciate when she's in psychosis until its too late.

I'm trying to break up with her, because I'm too emotionally involved in this situation, and because I'm currently dealing with my own emotions, and have med school finals, and the stress of all of this has just pushed me to my tipping point. I've been bordering a nervous breakdown all last week but I'm better now and I'm trying to remain friends with her, and help her through this, but as a friend only.

However, she's making that impossible with her constant ultimatums to take her back or she kills herself. She's started on Olanzapine in addition to the SSRIs she was originally taking. And I hope that she gets better. MY P tells me to stay friends with her over the next two months while she's away and make decisions after that, I WANT to stay friends with her too.

I do not mind, but this situation is tricky as she keeps trying to guilt me into coming back, whereas I just want to remain friends now and just see her though the psychosis.


I'm staying friendly with her, as I've told her (honestly) that I'm confused and need time to sort out my feelings. Please let me know what you think of this, and if my strategy can continue.

Thank you guys,

Farticus

Ok so I'll be blunt.  And I'll prefix this with IMHO.

I could have used some blunt at one point but nobody would do me the favor.

Whoever told you you're responsible for someone else's well-being was lying.  Call the cops, tell them she's threatening suicide, and wash your hands of this, let the professionals take care of it.

Meanwhile, ask yourself WHY you have elected to possibly even ENTERTAIN this as a "relationship".  Is this the subconscious translation of some of your own childhood issues into THIS relationship to try to get some kind of resolution?  If so, it's a very unhealthy way to deal with past pain, questions, and scars, and will likely only complicate matters for yourself.  So get some help in identifying WHY you feel like you should be with someone basically incapable of holding up their end of a mutually respectful partner relationship.  You're effectively sweeping YOUR OWN psychological issues under the carpet in trying to rescue this other person.  Are you self-aware enough to stop that cycle?

Sorry if I come across as heartless, but this is entirely in YOUR best interests.  I wish someone had said this to me several years ago, speaking from THEIR experience.

If you continue on the path you're on, you will be guaranteed a very unhappy life of shattered dreams and exponential increases to your own psychological difficulties.  Get out.  :)O NOT start another relationship until you sort out your own driving factors that have put you in this mess, feeling the way that you do.

Hi,

I'm nearly 9 years in to a marriage with a husband who is dx with BPD and co-morbid Paranoid Schizophrenia.

My advice to you is to leave the relationship as kindly and compassionately as you can. I am on the Staying board we have a s6 and life has been as difficult as it gets.

If you want to leave and your gf threatens suicide phone police and paramedics this is not your call to deal with. She has a P let them deal with all of this if she is that unstable.

I notice in your post you too have a P. To deal with any aspect of this disorder takes emotional strength and resilience. Do not risk your own mental well being, if you choose to stay there is the potential for that to happen.

Focus on yourself and your life.

upsidedown has given you some very good honest advice.

Upsidedown, dude!

___. I never saw it that way before. Like I'm obviously seeing a P and dealing with my own ___, but that thing abt this being MY cycle. Dealing this things CLEARLY more than I can handle, it IS a self destructive path indeed!

You're right. I need to address my own issues and not deal with this right now. This is just an additional anchor weighing me down. And Idk man, I'm gonna talk to my P abt this, ty for the insight!

I mean everyone's kept asking me why I was doing this, at first I thought it was just because I thought I loved her, and then because I said I'd help... .but clearly there's an unresolved need for me to 'save' that has gone haywire and ultimately left me SO vulnerable to her right now. Omg.

Dude, thank you! For the last few days I've kept asking myself why I never saw the signs, why his slipped past me as someone who understands mental illness, and now I know. Wow.

And yeah, you're right Sweetheart.

I can't risk that position, I mean, a family with a BPD, having lived with my dad (who was BPD, in retrospect) I mean it's a disaster! No offense meant to you personally.

Sigh, I can't believe I fell in that trap.

I've ready begun the detachment phase btw, I AM breaking up with her. I just don't know how quite.

Like I've reduced it down to being friends, and only texting for status reports. That was my Ps advice and the advice on this site. But according to my P I need to keep this phase up for 2 months, deal with my exams, give her some time to come out of psychosis and then do it.

Someone please tell me HOW to do this because at this point I want to break up with her, I just don't know WHEN to do it and the HOW, I don't want a ___storm in the middle of my med school finals. And that's what's been holding me back right now.

I think I need to keep up appearances till I'm in the clear with my stuff and then do this. Because I don't think I can handle the added stress right now, I'm trailing very thin as it is!

Does that sound reasonable to you guys?

Also, thank you guys for bearing with me here!

I'm glad I was able to shed a little light on the situation.  Sometimes we can't see the forest for our egos - er - the trees.

Nobody can dictate the timetable.  It's not heartless for you to wait until you're in a "better place" to move to the next phase.  Your responsibility IS, after all, to look after yourself.  If you see exams and such going down the toilet if you do this on a NOW timeline, then adjust it to something you can handle.  Seems like you've got your head wrapped around it better now.  Just remember, it's about solving YOUR issues, not someone else's.

Doing that now, yeah :D

Focusing on myself, and making me priority #1

Had some trouble sleeping, and focusing on the books, took a 22Q PTSD screening test, and that didn't come out too well.

I'm seeing my P tomorrow, and setting things right for myself... .I've just ignored me for far too long!

And tbh, the articles were right, soon as I began to shift things towards myself she's already bored and skipping out!

EXACTLY what I'd hoped for!

:D Ty guys again, for talking sense into my head

head

It was some excellent perspective all round on this group!

Today is my first day posting here on the site although I have been reading it for over a month... .I just read your post and the replies and I have to say that you are 25, in med school, and come from a family with a dad with BPD. I am a 45 year old professor with a daughter (I say that because I work with students your age) and I agree with the replies that you have received to look at not only all that you have going for YOU but how you have a chance because you are young to heal now and cleanly without involving any children. You have a chance to have a beautiful life where you are a healer to communities... .listen to those replies, get help, and let her go because you can't help her. You have so much to do! Wasn't it Nelson Mandela who said something about what right do we have to live so small? You are becoming a doctor. What a gift to the world, to your future family. Give the gift of health to yourself. And in saying all of this to you, I say it to me, too. I need to walk my talk especially given I could not get out of bed all day after my BP SO had a freak out last night and I am emotionally drained.

Ty, whiteswanred, I really appreciate your kind words. I can't even imagine being in a position with children and dealing with a BPD spouse. It was, in fact, one of my biggest fears with my now ex girlfriend. It is emotionally draining as is, delaing with BPD souses, without having the added burden of children and the responsibilit yof THEIR lives.

And yes, I have taken all the generous (and extremely helpful!) advice I've been given on this thread and applied it to my situation. I have managed to break up with my BPD girlfriend, and its been over 2 weeks since the last contact (which I've had to enforce).

Needless to say I am MUCH calmer, and relaxed now, and as whiteswanred put it, focusing on my life ahead. Onto my future, and focusing on the bigger picture instead of being bogged down by this ordeal, for lack of a better word!

I honestly CANNOT thank you guys enough, ALL of you: you've been instrumental in keeping me sane and getting me through this difficult time. I honestly don't know what I would have done without the direction and support that I was given on this entire forum, and for that I am extremely grateful! :D

whiteswandred, I apologize for the late reply btw, still in the middle of finals and been focusing on catching up with my studies. I wish you luck with your situation, and I hope things work out for you, in whatever manner that you intend them to! :)

Thank you guys, and thank you BPD Family for helping me out through this!

Peace! :D