BPDFamily.com

Had the day off work and just lurking here on the forums. My phone just beeped with a text. About 3-4 weeks ago before I moved out, me and uxBPD were driving to the store and we got pulled over and she got a ticket because I didn't have my seatbelt on. Needless to say, the ride home was stressful. I told her to just tell me how much the ticket was and I would write her a check to cover it. Anyhow, about a week later she just gives me the ticket and told me to "take care of it".

Now she texts me, "Have you paid that ticket yet"? Should I even reply? After all that she has done to me? No, how are you? No, I'm sorry?

By the way, I did pay the ticket last week.

I wouldn't answer it, must be a way for her to try to connect with you cause who knows what happened. Same thing happened to me she sent me a few texts... .I had the power to stay NC, its hard as hell. But like a member in here said: '':)o you want to get in the roller-coaster again?

At least for me its been hard because our relationship was very intense and just being alone now its hard to cope with. Sometime I don't even want to get out of the house. I am trying to follow my projects and stuff I like.

So I wouldn't get involved with it... .

Tell her simply that - and then nothing else.

She will respond nicely, don't be tempted to continue the drama.  Her question is reasonable and a reasonable answer is what mature people do.

Best,

SB

Agreed.  A week ago I got a text …and couldn’t figure out who it was from … till my daughter suggested my xBPgf.  I’d deleted her number, but sure enough – after 10 months!  …though I’d gotten a few other texts that I hadn't recognize so ignored, never bothering to compare her number... . 

But with this last one – I’m so proud not to have answered :)   I’m making progress *)

It’s said you’re never totally off their radar, and mine had confirmed that by her constant references as to what previous guys were doing – like I needed to know?  Well, she’ll have to find another source for info on me.

I assume you paid the ticket… if so, ignore her. 

That was my 1st thought. However, even though her question is reasonable, again it only benefits her. She has to know what she put me through, and how badly this has affected me. Her last words to me were, "I know you think that I'm being a b|tch about all of this". Those words tell me that she is somewhat aware of how she was/is acting towards me.

She could have asked how I was doing. She could have been remorseful about how the r/s ended. She could have told me how the kids and the cat are doing. But no, just did you take care of my issue yet?

Probably doesn't even matter at this point. It's been an hour, she'll probably just called court services and check on it. She only texted me because it "made her life easier".

Fred6, now is the ''Ticket'' the way to get to you... .But later on it could be something else. Or maybe it will be the last text you get from her who knows.

In my case she sent me a sms text saying ''Hi'' which I didn't answer, so she went via W app, another text and 2 more!... .So she was really trying to connect in some way (Off course just for her own benefit)

God was I LOST? She was sending me texts after 2 months NC... .WHEN what she did was to drop me for a replacement random guy, who even called me threatening me acting as a lawyer against me. WTH... .

So they can do some incredible things! And out of nothing they just send texts or call like nothing happened... .Can you tell they are really disordered minds?

So for your own health stay NC.

Aside from the kids, the cat, some answers for my closure, or her admitting her illness and committing to getting some help. I don't want to hear anything from her. I''m pissed off, I should text her back, "go wash your hair with battery acid". When I say that I'm pissed off, it's an understatement. I'm really Fncking pissed off right now!

You have a right to feel the anger fred6. You went through her dissociative phase and she had checked out at home. You want your voice to be heard and validated. I understand.

This is painful stuff.  It hasn't been long since you have moved out. The first few months are very hard. My heart goes out to you. If you respond send a short response after cooling your jets off.

I'm happy that you chose to share with us on your day off. Use the boards. Hang in there.

I know how you are feeling and its ok, but please just think of your well being mate and please be strong. At the moment you are feeling pissed of, I get that as well. You will have ups and downs. I guess its the normal way of healing  |iiii

Some days I am feeling pissed for all the S*&^ I went thorough, other days I find myself crying while taking a bath, and I am thinking like What the heck is happening! At least we are healing the correct way, and not throwing stuff inside a box.



^^^ =  |iiii

I don't think she deserves my response. If she wants to know if the ticket is paid, she can get off her a$$ and spend 5 minutes to call court services. Or maybe she can call her new supply Rocky, and get him to do it.


Hell Mutt, I'm here everyday posting. My uxBPD got new supply and I got these boards, so I guess that I'm nuts or something. I may act kind of OK. But I'm an effing wreck on the inside, lol

Yeah, the text just pissed me off. I think my new motto with everyone is, "what's in it for me"? If there is nothing in it for me, then I don't do it. If I had not already paid the ticket, I would text back, "what's in it for me"? I bet that will run her ass off permanently and for good... .

I've been there. I was a wreck inside too.

The path to freedom is working through the anger and disengage. We suffer if we stay engaged. You can set a boundary that you don't want her to text you. Send by e-mail. If she still sends by text advise you only respond back by e-mail. She'll get the picture.Texts triggered me.

I hope that helps.

Thanks Mutt. I did disengage, that's why she didn't get a response. There are only a few things that she can address to gain a reply from me and she doesn't have the emotional maturity to process or deal with those things.

Fred, I get your anger - honestly... .anger that is justified and a valuable part of your healing process.


The response of "yes" is the rational, reasonable thing in this scenario.  You got the ticket in her car not wearing the seat belt - this is the fact, right?

Yes, it is a fact she may be using this to get to you - but you have the control right now to simply answer the question and THEN stop the engagement.

Unresolved tactical issues have made many of us crazy - hell, I remember hanging onto being "right"  until my T asked if I wanted to be "right" or "happy".  And frankly, there were times I wanted to be right.

You are raw and hurt Fred - emotionally mature people dig into this, process it while TACTICALLY act reasonable.  This is a tall order right now, not one that I or most of us did perfectly - so be kind to yourself.

If you need some time to cool off, great - but don't be surprised when her reasonable question comes back to haunt you much bigger by ignoring her now.

Hang in there,

SB

About an hour ago I went to pay the rent, check the mail, and pick up a burger. And the phone rings. Well guess who it is? It's uxBPD, I guess she wants to know about the ticket. I just let that sh|t go to voice mail. She didn't leave a message, so I guess it wasn't that important, lol.

Again, I agree with you to an extent. I was the one without my seat belt on. However, as the driver she is responsible to pay the ticket. I told her that I would because I thought it was the right thing to do. I did pay the ticket, what I agreed to do. I did not agree to follow up with her on a ticket that's in her name.


I'm not sure what she could do to come back and haunt me. She told me she loved me everyday for 3 years. Then one day she quits her job, quits her meds, paints black all of her 10+ year ex co-worker friends, paints black and kicks out her 17yo old son, cheats on me, breaks up with me, tells me to find a home of my own, and lies to me about cheating for a month. Then she "flips the switch" and treats me like I'm a worthless mistake and makes me watch her go spend the night with new supply while I'm sitting on the sofa waiting for my apartment to be ready.

Through all of this, she never had an honest talk with me, answered any of my questions, or helped me deal with any of this agony that she has inflicted on me. So why should I answer her question? After everything that she's done to me, what can she possibly do that will haunt me? 

What would really tear her apart is if you responded with, "Who's number is this?"

Lol it would make her think you deleted her number

If you don't respond though, it's just opening a door, you know? Like the phone call. She has BPD, she will be relentless. Responding with a "yeah, it's paid" leaves no room for anything else. I do kind of like the "whose number is this" but that's my mean streak shining through   Just answer her and be done with it. Stop torturing yourself.

Hahaha, thanks Algae. I'm going to remember that one, that may come in useful in the future. But since she mentioned the ticket she wouldn't believe it. I am under no illusion that she probably won't ever contact me again whether I answer the text or not. So the way I figure it, is that if I answer her, SHE WINS.

The only other unfinished business the we have it that I may have some mail there between the time that I left and forwarded my mail.

You don't have to answer her Fred.

You asked for an opinion, in my experience it is better to keep simple things simple.  You seem to have a lot tied to this question, and you seem to be hellbent on being the one in control - I get it - I wanted control when my emotions were all over the place and I felt so out of control... .it is a hard place to be.

There is no right or wrong - keep us posted. 

Best,

SB

It may or not be about the ticket.

Oh, I'm not torturing myself. Quite the contrary, I kind of get a strange satisfaction out of this NC. I mean, I'm kind of pissed off about it. She could take 3-4 minutes and call court services. But noo, let's bother the guy who loved you that you reduced to a pile of dog$hit.

I'll think about replying to her. But if I decide to, I'll do it on my terms and schedule. Maybe next Tuesday at 3am she'll get a text that says, "I hope this is your number. I just wanted you to know that I paid your ticket. Take care, goodbye". I probably won't do that, but it's a thought, lol

I know that you're trying to help, don't take my answer as hostile. I guess that I'm projecting like my uxBPD taught me, lmao.

Anyhow, I know myself. She doesn't know my new address. But if she did and showed up here to recycle or have sex. I know that I would cave in. I have to try to keep the control or else I'll put myself in the position to lose control. I'm not weak minded like that in life, however when it comes to her I'm weak. I still want her validation, love, and acceptance. I'm not far enough in this process yet. I don't want her to think that she can just text or call when she feels the need. My emotional side wants to be recycled but my head says, "hell no". I hope that you understand what I'm saying... .

I sure as hell hope it was about the ticket. Not sure what else it could be about.

Love the Wargames reference, lol. I got one for you that I've edited.

Got a follow up text about an hour ago while I was grocery shopping. It said, "R U not going to answer my ?" Then 7 minutes later, "Just let me know if I need to go pay it by the 9th please".

Time to end this, so it's either:

1. stay NC and not respond

2. Wait a couple hours and reply with, "Who's number is this?" Then, "Oh hey, I deleted your number so that I wouldn't be tempted to call or text you anymore, since you made it painfully clear that I mean nothing to you. Then, "yes I took care of your ticket just like I always took care of you. I hope you're happy. Bye, please take care of yourself, the kids, and fredcat!

What's it gonna be?

I had a similar thing...

we had a cell phone account issue to solve. I had to transfer it into my name and pay the balance.

She was on my case unnecessarily asking if I'd paid etc... .

I transferred the account into my name, paid the balance and informed her as in a simple

"Hi, the account is in my name, all amounts have been settled" and then resumed NC.

She tried to contact me several times after that to reconnect in "friendship" etc but I kept NC for 101 days till now.

I believe informing her was the right thing to do in my case.

I will inform her, but I'm gonna have a little fun with it. Seeing as how this is the last time that we'll probably talk because she ain't a recycler.

Anyhow, since she keeps blowing up my phone, I guess that pick number 2 and ask her "who's number is this?"

I'll update in a little while, lol

fred6,

She is mentally ill. BPD is a serious disorder. She's not going to understand the context.

You're hurt. I'm sorry  

Fred6 don't make up a lie and try and act as if you don't recognize her phone number. This will have the opposite effect from what you think it will and will telegraph to her that you are still emotionally invested.

Just text her back "yes the ticket is paid". That's it. Then go NC. I have no problem with you using this as some way to control the situation but as soon as you start making isht up because of your emotions then by default it shows how little control you actually feel. Giving her a simple but cold, all business reply is a good way to let her know you don't care about her or discussing anything further. Alternatively its fine to just ignore her forever as well. I don't have a problem with this just do whatever feels best to you. But if you start making up lies using texts it will just come across as try-hard. It will be obvious that you're hurt and powerless to do anything in response other than eff with her on text--dont give her the satisfaction. Stick to the facts or hold NC.

Hey Fred,

I have been reading your story in previous posts. I'm with Goldy on that... .either "Yes, I paid the ticket" or NC. I really do know how you feel. Been there, done that.

On a different context, I tried the "Who's this?" thing too, trying to fight fire with fire... .Her answer was an email telling me how wonderful was her life with my replacement... .I got burned. So, don't give her the pleasure to do so with you. Please.

I know Mutt. She called right before I texted her back and left a voice mail. But here's how it went down.

Me- Who's number is this?

exBPD- Ur x

Me- I deleted your # so that I wouldn't be tempted to call you anymore, since you have made it painfully clear that you want NOTHING to do with me.

exBPD-That's fine ru going to pay the ticket is all I need to know

Me-Yes, I took care of your ticket, just like I always took care of you

exBPD- Thanks you!

Me-Anyhow, I hope you're happy. Please take care of yourself, the kids, and fredcat. Bye (exBPD)



Then I listened to her voicemail, which was left before I texted her. Kind of raging, she said "Look I just need to know if you're going to pay the damn ticket. If you need to check up on the kids, you can look on my dad's facebook. I'm going to delete you on facebook, um um and I guess good luck.

I then texted her back.

Me- I just listened to your voicemail. I'm sorry that you think that you have to delete me on facebook because I didn't know your number. But if that's what you gotta do, I understand. Take care and goodbye, you guys will always be important to me.

exBPD- XXXX, I think that it's best right now until things get easier! I can't tell you enough how sorry I am!

Me- easier for who? And sorry about what?

exBPD- U and for cheating and lying to u because I know you didn't deserve this! I do wish you the best, goodbye

Me- I'll be just fine. And it's OK don't feel bad, I already told you that I have forgiven you. Take care and stay strong baby, good luck. over and out... .

Soo. Do you feel better?

Too late guys, it had already gone down, lol. Anyhow, I think it worked out pretty good. I accomplished a few things.

Even though she never would have apologized to my face like this, at least she did in a text. But then again, she's apologized by text more than she ever did in person for the past 3 years. At least she showed some remorse, even if it was fake.

Still painted black and no signs of a recycle. Good and good.

Deleted from facebook, I didn't have the balls to delete her, so now she's gonna delete me. Now if she actually does it is another story, lol

Even though she seemed kind of remorseful through the texts, she may have been laughing at me the whole time saying "fnck him". Regardless, I let her down easy and let her know that she was forgiven and not to worry about me anymore.

Anyhow, you guys dissect it and tell me the pros and cons.

In a few ways yes. I've already been NC for 2 weeks. So the thought of not talking to or seeing her ever again has already been processed and NC was already established. It's still hard, but no harder than it has been in the past couple weeks.

Like I said, I did get a text apology and signs of being remorseful, even if fake. Better than nothing I guess.

The facebook delete kind of stung, but that's what's recommended around here anyhow. Had to happen eventually in order to fully go NC. Even though we haven't spoken on there or anything.

You guys tell me, what's the downside here? That's why I'm here, lol

IMO, the downside is that the worm has reinfiltrated your brain. You now have another conversation--a fresh one--to think about, ruminate over and analyze.

That being said, you were able to say that you forgive her and you got an apology and now you can focus on your healing.

Hell, I was already thinking about her everyday anyhow. Just more closure for me is the way I see it.

Speaking of analyze, hahaha. This is the only thing that I wonder. In the following exchange about deleting me off Facebook:



exBPD- XXXX, I think that it's best right now until things get easier! I can't tell you enough how sorry I am!

Me- easier for who? And sorry about what?

When I asked easier for who? And she said, "easier for me". I kind of get the impression that she really meant easier for "her". Because as far as Facebook is concerned, neither of us has really posted anything much in the past week. So how would it be easier on me for her to delete me. I haven't even acknowledged her on Facebook. Kind of strange... .

I know these exchanges don't mean much to anyone but me. But they are kind of a stepping stone to further this process. Like I said, I don't really see anything that stands out that could be considered bad. But then again... .

^This^

That's all you need to say. Keep you're responses short, to the point. Walk away with decency and respect for you. You're knee deep in pain.


^There's a lot of wisdom here fred6.^

You are telling her you are still emotionally invested. Don't give her this satisfaction. You're a good man.

Walk away with pride and start with no contact. Change your number, block texts, whatever it takes to start disengaging.

However I'm coming of as, please remember that I really, really, really much appreciate the help and advice here. I do see what you are saying Mutt. I have been kind of proud of myself for the past 2 weeks by staying NC. However, it has only been 2 weeks and everyone including her knows that I'm still emotionally invested. We had one outstanding issue and now it's resolved. There are no more that I can think of. So now it's time to resume NC and move forward. Will it be easy? Hell no it won't. But there's nothing left to do at this point for me but move forward. I'm pretty sure that I won't be hearing from her again. There is too much shame and guilt for her to try a recycle.

I have to a agree with Mutt,

These wee games have hollow victories that only give temporary relief.

I have been tempted so many times to lock into the games. The fact is that she is a pro at games, it's a no contest, and I will get hurt... .again... .I've had enough of hurting by her 

I know fred6 this isn't the real you. You have a community that has your back. We sympathize and empathize with you. Remember that you have people that care here on the boards. Not many understand the depth of the pain of a borderline relationship. I'm around your age and there was no pain worse than her.

I know it's only been 2 weeks. Eventually there are two paths.

Anger then healing.

Or,

Anger and suffering.

Choose wisely. You will eventually see things for what they are. We have all suffered enough. Keep that in mind.

Anger is normal. You have a right to feel this anger after the way that you have been treated. You may not hear from her, then you may when she has a need. Many here will say that you do eventually hear back from them.

Maybe it is the real me Mutt. Maybe I care too damn much like a chump. Like they say, nice guys finish last. With most of my relationships, I've found that to be true. But as I read about all this $hit, I am finding that maybe I'm the problem. My FOO seems to be worse than hers was. At least my exBPD(I don't even know if she is BPD)has admitted to having demons and issues to work out. I always told her that my childhood was probably worse than hers and I just don't ever think or worry about it. What's done is done, don't worry about it and just live life. Now I have to re examine myself. Have I repressed something? Maybe I'm the pwBPD, hell I don't know. All I know is that when I find someone that I like. I get attached. I'm 42 years old and I've dated and had sex with plenty of women. But there have only been 3 women that I've gotten really attached to. They all left. This one is totally different. The other ones were hard. This one feels like a part of me is dying or something. Almost like I'm dealing with my crazy mother or sister. I always thought that my brothers, crazy sister, and exBPD were silly worrying about all this stuff in the past. I mean, I'm a happy go lucky type guy. I never worry about all that crap that happened in the past with my parents. It never really bothered me much. Now that I look at it though, my exBPD has been seeing her church councilor for a while now trying to deal with her "demons". But yet, she's the one that cheats on me, lies to me, treats me like $hit, and tells me that I've done nothing wrong and didn't deserve this. I have never cheated on anyone and been good to her. None of this makes any sense to me. What do you think?


It's been 2 weeks since I moved out. I've been dealing with this since the beginning of July. So what's the difference between anger and healing or anger and suffering?

Choose wisely. You will eventually see things for what they are. We have all suffered enough. Keep that in mind.


It's over, she ain't coming back. But what's the difference between her "need" and my "need"?

Edit. While typing up this rant. I had my pandora radio 80's hair metal station on. I'm not really religious, but if god exists he hates me. My metal station just played this old 70s AM radio song that I remember. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzEjTFkrS1U (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzEjTFkrS1U)

Is exBPD singing to me now about 2 lovers? I mean really, What the heck?

The difference is staying angry at the mentally ill, and losing yourself in the process. I understand with the r/s patterns. This takes time, you'll find your answers if you let yourself feel the pain. Many have asked that question "Am I borderline?"

Nice guys don't finish last. I can tell you. I felt pain beyond the r/s. For me, she had ruptured pain from FOO. That's why it was so much pain.

From your FOO, hers, or both?

My FOO. Everyone gets attached or involved for their reasons. It could be FOO, it could be a life event like a divorce and some have no FOO issues.

She couldn't cope. I saw it for 2 years in the end. Had no clue it could be a mental illness. I became a trigger. This is the disorder.

Yes, and that's what you're doing. You're still asking questions, so don't come to any conclusions just yet. Don't take on more than is yours, or that you can chew. Don't believe everything you were told, and don't cast your fears in stone. Accept that the mirror she holds has turned away, and the one you're facing now is your own. That's what we're all trying to do/accomplishing here. Everything's mixed up right now, but it will settle, and will be better.

I say ignore the request. She flippantly gave you HER ticket... .to abuse you. You had said you would pay it... .but she still had to give you that slap in the face. If she had kept it and taken your check as you suggested she would still have the ticket and know its destiny.

Let her contact the court to find out. Inappropriate and selfish reason to contact you. She also knows that she would have thrown the ticket in the garbage... .so she is projecting her behavior on you... .

Super deep man. 

I already had texted her back. But yes, you are correct. I was kind of offended when she gave me the ticket and said, "you just pay it". With everything she was putting me through and as much of a b.itch as she was being.

She still hasn't deleted me off of Facebook though, haha. She left that mean voice mail because I didn't answer her. Then I guess that she rethought it and felt bad. Or maybe she just hasn't gotten around to it yet, lol. It's interesting though, she's a Facebookaholic. But she hasn't posted much lately and if I'm logged in or if I post something, she logs out rather quickly. Kind of like when I was still living there, with her avoidance and limited communication with me. What's that? Her guilt and shame? I guess that Facebook isn't big enough for the both of us, hahaha.