BPDFamily.com

Looking back, do you consider that your relationship was love or abuse?

If you could only pick one?

I don't believe abuse and love can coexist.

If I was asked to describe our "marriage" in only one word I would say ABUSE (emotional and physical abuse / domestic violence).

I guess the answer to this would depend on whether your BPD partner had mild to moderate traits or was a severe case.

Awakened do you think you might be falling into black and white thinking?

Does love hurt that bad?  I can't imagine treating someone that I love the way that I was treated. Love shouldn't hurt like that... .Thoughts?

I can say that I loved her. I can also say I fell out of love with her due to her acting out and feeling helpless. Things weren't changing. Her interpretation if the relationship was very different than mine.


Love or abuse. I understand that I didn't have boundaries and I couldn't identify red flags and didn't love myself. I was trying to find happiness with someone that relieves her pain and suffering through attachments. I understand now she has unstable interpersonal relationships. I needed to love myself.

It was a toxic relationship. What she did doesn't affect me in the here and now or my future. I have control of me. I deserve better.

I agree with you Blissful.

I was lied to and manipulated into a relationship. She willingly brainwashed me into rescuing her. Then when she got bored she started telling lies ABOUT me so she could be rescued by other men. Then after she chewed me up she spit me out and threw me to the curb like yesterday's trash.

I call that abuse. Not physical but mental. To not care at all what would the effect be on me from her telling all the lies to me and about me. A total disregard for my well being. I was just something to be used by her for her own gain  No she didn't love me, she TARGETED me as a nice guy who would be susceptible to her abuse.

I don't think a pwBPD Is capable of truly loving someone.

Love as defined in the Bible:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4-8‬ ESV)

MWC... .*)

Well said Mutt

MWC... .  *)

Well the love was there on our end. Also we couldnt have even fallen in love in the first place of it was all bad. However the things they do seem to be so painful that it blurs out the good they have done. They definitely did abuse us but waited long enough to unleash it where we would be more tolerant for it. Imagine if they would pull that ish on a first date. Im sure most of us would not even be on this site but they didnt. They showed us something lovable. For myself I was already in love when the first red flag came and the first innapropriate thing happened and she tried to brush it off which I wasnt having. Then dropped the I was diagnosed as a kid with major depression. This is what had me drop my guard a bit and be a bit more understanding for behavior that I would never be tolerant of. The love was there for sure on our end we probablt just cant be sure if it ever was there on theyre end. I think it was there on her end at least for a while but its just that her world is so jacked up that abuse is her capacity for love. Im jacked up right now myself in the aftermath of her abuse. What kind of love can I give right now in a relationship with a storm raging in my mind all the damn time. I think they do love but they just lack the tools to sustain it or give it in a healthy way. Kinda like a person with no arms trying to give a hug. They just cant do it. So yes there was love but I think we can only be sure avout our love. The conselation for us that I can see is that we can love in a healthy way. We can treat people with dignity and kindness. The same cant be said in reverse.

my ex asked me if I felt love from and I answered her by saying sometimes. this is when she started looking for my replacement. I felt lonely most of the time and I was always waiting her to move on again . I don`t know if I would call it love on either part. I want her to love me so I gave up myself so I would not loss my drug of choose (her). on her part I feel as long as I never complained and she could do what ever she want to do and I paid the bills and feed her and I had no needs then she would say she loved me. I really feel it was just abuse.

Others have reported feeling lonely in the r/s too. I felt lonelier in the r/s than I do when I'm single! (No joke) 

I loved her. She loved me?

She projects I abused her. She abused me.

Does love ever end? Abuse can.

I've just decided to join this board. I want to leave, to save my own sanity.

Your Question - Love or Abuse?

Definitely not love anymore.

More like abuse - the type that slowly kills you - mind, body and soul!

It's a massive decision, that's just been made after a 38 year relationship (32 years married).

" Sad to say, I'm on my way, won't be back for many a day."

Now I've got to learn how to detach successfully - most frustrating!

These hooks and claws go deep!

I liked the Bible definition of Love above - SO TRUE.

Emotionally abusive.  Absolutely.

Its important for me to apply the inner work of true understanding of not only the d/o but why I was vulnerable to the r/s and why I couldn't put my boundaries up sooner.  See, the inner work and really understanding ourselves, not them, is the only way we can give that feeling of being a victim back.  And, most importantly, never allow ourselves to be in toxic r/s again. 

I consider it abuse and now I'm far enough out the parts that seemed like love where only a mechanism and the other face of the same coin of the abuse

In the beginning I mistook intensity for intimacy.  I mistook exploitation for affection/attention/love.  I was abused, plain and simple (it wasn't that clear when I was in the FOG of it all).  I don't think love and abuse can exist together.  Love is pure and beautiful and should leave you feeling warm and nurtured.  Nothing was pure and beautiful about what I experienced.