BPDFamily.com

 I keep reading about everyone who asks if their ex will return. And most replies say "do you want them back?". But I think they ask for another reason. I at least know it in my case to be because I am afraid of them coming back. I fear that if she comes back, gives me an apology, say something admiring about me, and plays the sympathy card that I won't be able to say no. Even do I know it is madness, or that my wounds are to deep. Or that I infact do not stand a chance to make that relationship work. But they have gotten under our skin. And some of us is helpless. I am not sure if she comes back or not. But I practice everyday in the mirror on saying no! I have friends around that Has agreed to kidnap me if they hear I am going back to her. Because I know that I cannot resist her, but I know she will also be my death. That I used to be someone great, and now I am nothing. That her problems is to deep to ever repair. But if the words "I love you" comes out of her mouth. Then I will fall. This is what I think most people asking "will she come back" wonders. the question is "will the beast return to feast on me once again?"

You must stay complete no contact in your condition.

If you are someone like me who has been through so much emotional pain in your life that you have finally managed to disconnect then contact is slightly safer.

In your case,  block all contact and get away.

my ex is a drug to me . when she came back it was like I was whole again. the last time she left it was me that wanted her to leave. so this is why I am scared she will come back and I will take her back because I am addicted to her.

This song is about heroin addiction, but I guess says it all:

www.vimeo.com/35820170

"She speaks to me in Persian

Tells me that she loves me

The girl with golden eyes

And though I hardly know her

I let her in my veins

And trust her with my life

I wish I had never kissed her

'Cause I just can't resist her

The girl with golden eyes

Every time she whispers

'Take me in your arms

The way you did last night.'

Everything will be okay

Everything will be alright

If I can get away from her

And save my worthless life."

www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sixxam/girlwithgoldeneyes.html

I know... I have to avoid her. But she goes on the same school, know where I live and is among the same circles as me. And I cannot leave before the end of this year. That is a very good description. It is not love, it is an addiction. I know she is bad, and that she ruins me. Despite all logic I keep thinking "well... If she says she will change. Then sure... This will be great. Finally this relationship will work". I remember once she laughed while kicking me when I lied down in bed. And all I could think was "well... this is much better then the times she threw knives and brake mye items. Maybe this should be our new method of dealing with things". It its insane that we can think like this! I am truly scared that I didn't see these things before therapy.

Exactly my hopes and fears and she has come back several times, and each was such a rush, so satisfying, so much in love and she was such an Angel so sorry, so giving and caring, then it would turn quickly.  The 1st two comebacks took months fro the same old stuff to return but the others only took weeks, and GOd, is my judge you so want to believe them because they are in my mind and heart very sincere at the time, they are.

They can't maintain it.

I  think it hard for a normal person to , let alone them.  I think after a while, they feel like they just admitted  wrong and that can't stand and as soon as something, the littlest thing goes wrong, they are affirmed that it's you not them, and then it starts again no matter even if you make up for whatever, the slams and ___ is coming.  It hurts, it does .  

This song is also about heroin addiction but I think it translates well into what many of us here have and are going through. A Perfect Circly - Gravity

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qruScwv9jJQ

Lost again

Broken and weary

Unable to find my way

Tail in hand

Dizzy and clearly unable to

Just let this go

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun

I choose to live

I fell again

Like a baby unable to stand on my own

Tail in hand

Dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go

High and surrendering to gravity and the unknown

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun

I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun

Help me survive the bottom

Calm these hands before they

Snare another pill and

Drive another nail down another

Needy hole please release me

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun

I choose to live, I choose to live 

Exactly Nicolai, Exactly.

This is what I fear as well ajr... .  This last break-up was all me, I told her I couldnt take it anymore after a horrible gaslighting episode. In the past after other break-ups, I would melt when I see her beauty as she starts telling me how she misses me & when she added an "I love you", I was back in. Got me everytime. Like Nicolai, i will see her, soon. I read posts on this site constantly to get strength, & I feel I am at a better more stable place right now because of it. The more I read, the more the idealized wrapper is peeled away & what is replacing it is "How did I let this horrible person do this to me for so long?". Im building resentment, & thats what I hope will carry me through this.  I hope you get there.

Thank you. I hope I get their aswell. But it is all like waves. Sometimes I find myself feeling lonely, and then I always remember the good things about her. Only problem is that the memories are like 3 years old, and only our first 6 month. Every time I realise that, I kinda feel like it is incredible how long one can live on old memories. Sometimes I feel really guilty. Like I remember she used to yell at me for never taking her out. Then I remember that every time I did take her out she would yell at me in public, demand me to pay for everything, and we would come home and she would say "it was not very great trip. Mostly because I don't have so much feelings for you as I used to. But you can change that by doing this and this for me. For right know you are more of a friend. Perhaps tomorrow I can love you. But then tomorrow most be perfect". And I sitting their like a dog... Saying "yes, yes". But everyday would be the same. I quess at some point I just closed myself entirely in myself. All my original owned clothes was gone, replaced with things she said I looked good in. I started wearing sweatpants, because we said I was so fat that is was embarrassing. That I did not have any friends, and that she was the only one that cared for me. But I would have to work to keep it like that. This is my problem really... If I had not allowed so much because "she was a victim of child abuse", then this never would have happened. I quess I also got kinda addicted to being her hero. Little did I know that I saved the mighty Medusa and lost. It seems to me as she was actually turned on by drama. It has never been a moment the last 4 years who has not been difficult. It even seems she created drama when she run dry. I don't know. Perhaps not... If I accept this theory. Then she might have gotten pregnant on purpose, so she could blame the abortion on me. And it really hit me hard. She started calling me an abuser. And that was when every boundary I had disappeared. Sorry... This is complete ramble. But my head has been like this for five weeks now.

I'm six months out now and haven't heard anything. But she does stalk me.

Sometimes I wonder if she will "come back" in whatever form... .email, offer of friendship, happy birthday, apology? I don't know. Nothing at all in over 2 years. It's been almost 4 years since we actually ever saw each other. I wonder what I would do, what I would say. I don't like the idea of running into her but it isn't likely because she's 50 miles away and our metro is millions of people. My pwBPD presented mostly as the helpless Waif, so I fell for her "poor me" side. I didn't realize until she left just how much she struggled with living a normal life. I don't think she's able to do much beyond surviving, struggling daily. My danger is that I will feel sorry for her, or want to reach out to her to see how she is and comfort her. I don't want to go through the rabbit hole again. It's a little frightening to me, because I don't think I even have any idea who she really is. It's so confusing. How can you relate to someone like that, much less build a solid relationship? It does boggle my mind even after all this time, but I keep staying away and it gets easier to accept what it was. During the aftermath I went through great lengths what had happened. I went to a pwBPD support group and talked to pwBPDs on blogs. It seemed to me like they all struggled even though they were self-aware and taking responsibility. Having a relationship is just very difficult. I hope I can keep staying away and don't get caught up with the "poor me" kind of woman again since that's my hook.

Its something that has been at the back of my mind since the last time I heard from her back in December 2013.

Will she contact me? What will my reaction be if she does?

I try not to think about it too much as I have come so far and now in a new relationship.

I hope to f**k i do not hear from her. I will have to have contact of some sort of contact because she coaches my son in VB. I dread it, i have to maintain my composure. I must. Even though im dying inside