BPDFamily.com

My uBPDw invariably develops a theory that I am having an affair with, lusting after, or otherwise up to no good with any woman that I spend more than a few minutes interacting with. The accusations are at the level of absurdity for example accusing me of spending time with person X on a day when I literally lever left wife's sight the entire day. She also totally misses the mark as to which women I might be attracted to. That is, the accusations are never in relation to a woman I find attractive, but rather women I'd never sleep with in a million years and who are often really quite unpleasant.

I've also made a habit of never getting myself into situations where I am alone with another woman, never acting more than polite (e.g. not too friendly) with other women. Yet the accusations still come, seemingly out of thin air.

I'm guessing that others here receive similar accusations. How do you respond? I feel like if I object, then I'm "protesting too much". If I ignore then I'm enabling future accusations. It is all a little tiresome but at the same time quite frustrating.

Yep, what you are experiencing is normal... .I get the same thing.  I would suggest trying to identify the emotion behind the accusation an validating that, then briefly providing reassurance that the accusation is unfounded.

Maybe something like this: "You sound really upset... .did you feel sad or abandoned when I went out of town last week?"  "Oh, I see, you were feeling abandoned - that must have been awful; nobody likes to feel abandoned"  Hug-hug.  "Just to reassure you, I did not cheat on you with the flight attendant/waitress/taxi driver/hotel maid/co-worker/etc.; I would never do that."  And try to leave it at that.  Remember to take a break and walk away if she starts to get abusive.

Its not about the other woman, hence whether your type or how ridiculous.

It is about her own fear of abandonment and self doubt. ie her belief in the tie between you, this is projected onto an imaginary tie between you and anyone else.

Denial leads to a conflict about the denial. Constant reassurance sets a precedent to neediness, that is, when she wants you to "suck up" she can make these accusations as a cue for you to reassure her.

Better just to regularly reassure but not tie it to a reaction to specific accusations.

These accusations are symptoms of the disorder. You are better off addressing the bigger core issue of insecurity than by just addressing the symptom.

If you need to put up a boundary about not going into this discussion repeatedly so be it. Otherwise it can severely handicap you ability to have a functional life and become isolated. This in turn creates resentment and you loose sight of the big picture.