BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I have this question that I would like to have some insight on,my BPDbf always goes back contacting his ex whenever we have an fight or argument.she is a friend of mine so she tells me about his texts and then this messed up triangulation starts in which she gets involved needlessly ... my bf tries his best that I stop talking to her or being friends with her.

She is a family friend so we keep bumping in to each other occasionally over family get together and stuff... I can't totally ignore her...

Why does he do that talks to her wherever he feels that there's a problem in our relationship and asks me to cut of all contact with her like block her delete her off my fb account.

Is it because he doesn't wants me to find out and wants to stay in touch with her and keep as his back up?and why do he keeps contacting her is he still in to her?

I feel very hurt when he does something like this and tells her about personal stuff.

I confronted him once but he said that if he wanted to be with her he hadn't broken up with her on the first place... he winds up the argument by saying that I m with you aren't I?and that she's just a friend ...

Well,she's not she is his ex and he shares very intimate details about our personal life to her,they didn't broke up on a friendly note it was a huge disaster...

I had seen it all... !

What I don't get is that why is this double standard asking me not to talk to her when he does?contacting her whenever its rough?

How do I deal with this?if only I can understand why he does this?does he have some feelings for her?i just want some insight.

Sorry,if I hadn't made my question clearer.

Thanks.

Kasina-

Hi Kasina. Difficult to answer, but it does sound a bit like typical push and pull -cycle. Are you familiar with the concept / idea? I'm guessing here, but perhaps the arguments trigger something in his fear of abandonment (or certainty that you don't truly love him) and as a result he moves towards the ex. All this happens usually in a very deep and not conciouss level, so your boyfriend isn't even aware he is doing that.

As to what to do with that... .I don't know. I think it's good that you and the ex are in talking terms and i'd keep it that way, she's being honest with you and i would appriciate it hugely. But I know it's very difficult situation. I've accepted the fact my SO's level of intimacy, loving etc fluctuates and that he seems sometimes very distant, like he wants to get out of our relationship and that sometimes, when this happens, his ex becomes quite important (he has an ex he talks to a lot, they are very important to each other, in many ways).  But it is difficult and sometimes, even though i'm okey in the thinking level in the emotional level i feel hurt.

Hello again haye,

Thank you for the reply,it certainly doesn't solve the mystery entirely but it's really good to know that I am not alone,there are other people who deals and go through this complicated situation.

I totally agree with you that it's the typical push pull and yes I am aware of this and I have been facing alot of it too.i try my level my level best to validate him and to reassure him that I won't leave him no matter what circumstances will be but as you said this is all on a subconscious level so he doesn't even realise it.

I have talked to him alot about this,I have clarified it to him that I don't like him talking to his ex.we have had a lot if arguments about it but I have understood this fact that no matter what I do he will talk to her whenever he feels like and won't really care about the consequences.

What bothers me the most is that his ex is not over him completely as she herself is a very unstable person when it comes to relationship.

I do know that things between him and his ex wont work out but it still is not healthy for me to know that someone's always going to be in the way of me having an honest relationship with my bf.it messes up with our relationship and our plans for future.

I  know that they have been close for more than 5 years so of course there is a deep level of understanding but it still hurts like hell to know that I am not enough for him and something little will trigger him and he will go back to his ex.

I dont know if there's an answer for this but it really kills me to know that every minute when i turn my attention from him or need time for myself he will seek comfort in his ex's company which can lead to physical intimacy.its just unbearable... it makes me feel miserable.

How do you deal with the hurt and pain?how do you accept it?how do you let it go and not devastate you?is there any advice you can give me?i love him and I am really hurt at the moment... I don't want to lose him and my fear is destroying me.

Thank you for understanding and sorry for the rambling I m having a really bad day.

Oh Kasina  , you don't have to say sorry for having a bad day. We all have those. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing, okey?

I wish I had a good advice, but I don't. Some days I handle these situations better, sometimes i crumble. Those days... .Wwell I eat too much chocolate. I go to the woods for a walk and cry alone. I'd go jogging in the woods if could.

I try accept the feelings as they come, but not allow them dictate what i do, if you can understand. Sometimes it is very difficult and yeas i've gotten blinded with feelings of rejections and shouted at him, refused to listen what he has to say... .Doesn't really help .

Previously I've also written my thoughts and feelings to him, but I think it is usually not recommended here. 

His relationship to his ex. Knowing my SO is a person with huge difficulties trusting someone i feel it is good that he keeps some of the few he is ever gotten attached close, even if their relationship is a bit weird and not always 'just friends'. The ex is also quite unstable and vulnerable (like in your bf's), and as far as i know wants him back... .So I wouldn't be surprised if he falls back on to her one day.