BPDFamily.com

First off let me say, nobody can make us suffer unless we let them. Hard truth I needed to understand in forgiving my ex.

Maybe this is just ranting, maybe someone can help me with sharing their opinions, or their own experiences.

My uBPDexgf broke up with me in June. I took it pretty hard, and did not understand what the "un-fixable" problem was. On some level I really felt like we were a great match, two people who really understood each other and cared deeply for the other (and generally everyone).

I know. I realize that I also might have some deep issues that I am dealing with, (by leaving she has surfaced all kinds of terrible feelings) I have never felt this terrible in my life. That went on about 3 weeks after our bu, when I finally accepted that it is over and there is no changing her mind, or even finding out why she needed to breakup and what she is so afraid of. There seems to be a lot of telltale signs, but never just one, so I get a bit confused and can never really decide what specifically pushed her over the edge. Maybe all those things put together?

So for 1 month I was feeling completely desperate, broken, alone and in so much emotional pain, I could barely survive.  (some part of me thinks it was all those things pwBPD feel all the time and are running from) All while going thru a lot of other things too. I even felt like life is not worth living anymore. Not like me at all.

I must say in all the last 3-4 months of my life were the worst I have ever experienced. And all of the sudden I realized it wasn't getting any better. Even those distractions stopped working, hanging out with friends, making new ones, going out, etc... They would just make these feelings even more intense when I would be alone again. I told myself that I feel so alive and that I should try to be happy that I have the ability to feel so much (of anything).

So I started to look deep inside myself searching for answers. At that point I realized that I needed to stop looking for ways to numb the pain. My "coping" mechanism for a long time was getting high (that also helped me focus on work and studies so not all bad), but for the most part it was not helping me deal with things in a healthy way. I have since stopped smoking (2 months now).

After understanding a lot more about myself, mostly from reading on forums all across the net, I came to find more and more about BPD and PDs in general.

As an empath I was dying from seeing what pwBPD go thru on a daily basis.

I felt so overwhelmed with these emotions that I couldn't stop crying. But I decided that I was going to power through it. So instead of desperately trying to seek company, I just kept telling myself that it would get better, that I have always been able to deal with emotions before and there is no reason why I can't handle these now. So eventually the feelings started subsiding, I treated my own inner child with kindness and care, and then slowly but surely I started feeling good again.

Soon enough I was great spending time alone and just enjoying the things that I do have, also kept telling myself that I just need to focus on the future and that if I believe that good things are coming my way then it is only a matter of time until I reach that point.

On some level it feels like I had BPD and healed from it. (i know this might sound a bit absurd) But it really makes me wonder why it is so hard for a pwBPD to believe these things about themselves, that they are capable, lovable, valuable people. That they should never see themselves through other people's eyes.

This is what we have been telling them and showing them in the loving relationship that meant so much to us. That is why we are all here. We cared so much that it left us with a huge gaping hole inside our hearts. Something still stops them from ever accepting these facts.

Here is a bit of honesty: I don't have many friends anymore, partly because I feel I am a lone wolf. People almost always like my personality though, I am friendly and kind, honest and loving, but not many people seek out my company in other ways. I think if people don't want to be around me that's fine I enjoy who I am, and I understand myself and can have a good time alone.

This is who I was when she came to me, for me to rescue her. I thought she could see through the surface and can see me for who I really am. A lot of people are too

superficial and I am not someone who likes to gossip or play along with the norm.

I don't fake my emotions ever.

This isn't really what I wanted to talk about maybe I'll start a different thread for that.   :)

Love you family!

I've never felt pain like it in all my life. Nothing comes close to how bad it was.

I had a nervous breakdown and was just completely and utterly broken. I was barely functional as a human being tbh. I stopped eating,  sleeping. How I got through work I do not know. I literally repeated the same thing every day,  "wake up" at 4am,  wait around until work,  go to work like some zombie,  come home and lie there until like 3am.

I was so,  so low. Like I really can't describe it. I don't have suicidal ideation but I would say that in those few weeks I couldn't have cared less if I died.  In fact I wondered if she would miss me if I did.

I couldn't find enjoyment in anything,  so I just lied there,  confused and soul destroyed. 40 cigarettes a day and about 5 red bulls,  that was what I survived on

Slow old road to recovery, and yes in a way I feel like maybe I understand a little more about how they feel. I mean I was becoming a subhuman monster in those few weeks,  I couldn't care less about anyone else or their "problems" and I was always the guy who liked helping people.

So yeah when you are in just complete and utter agony it's no wonder they develop all these defence mechanisms is it. I wouldn't wish what I felt on anyone.  I learned what pain really was,  I had no IDEA before.

I was stupid, I know about BPD , had an earlier encounter, saw numerous red flags ... .still I fell for the idealization by my surprise, it is so extreme powerful as a drug.

Play with the fire and you get ... .

Was alone and depressed and just needed a little attention :)

Happily I have written some notes how things progressed and her behavior , this is extreme important , or you will forget the bad things.


ANyway the spell is broken ... .I am free and happy.

Yes I felt like I had BPD by the time I started doing internet researches on why my ex was in so much denial. I read all the symptoms and thought seems like me right now. Well the truth is I was just severely traumatized by the experience with her.

I don't really buy into the people can only hurt you if you let them.  I mean yes but what did I really do? I opened my heart And loved and trusted someone who eventually became abusive with me.  I projected onto her she was a loving trusting person when she in fact was that in the begining. When the flip switched in the devaluing I held on to that initial projection and she did her best to uphold that image in me.

The push pull and gaslighting broke me down and drove me to madness and a nervous breakdown.  I trusted the person I loved because I treated her with te respect I would want to be treated with. I thought it was something I had done and was made to feel guilty about becoming busy. So I bent over a little for her to accommodate but she did not reciprocate in any way near even level.  I made her aware of this and was met with freak outs. She caused me of being bossy and controling needy.  So I have her space which made her feel like I was abandoning her. 

In the end though it was unavoidable.

I picked up what they refer to as fleas from my ex.

They go away though once the fog clears and some inner work has been done. 

The emotional abuse and crazy making behavior is highly toxic and detoxing takes time and energy.  We are left in a cloud and the self abuse has been implanted in us through inception it is a tough cycle to break. 

The point at which I was able to begin looking at how i contributed to the unhealthy aspects of the relationship in a healthy way came after I got angry.  The anger has a way of clearing a lot of the fog. 

Please be kind to yourself.