BPDFamily.com

Did you pay for all the trips, airfare to travel in a long distance relationship? Pay for their housing, their school, their kids, their debts?

I'm so curious!

My exBPDbf was so cheap and never wanted to spend money. He was always trying to get me to pay!

What about your exes?

Was always me.

She always asked me to buy her stuff online like a new bathing suit... or to go to the store to get her this n that even at 12am.

Or if we went to a concert or something, I'd pay (which i was okay with doing that of course... it is like a date after all)

But she has never paid for a single thing for me.  And never really thanked me as well unless I was like, "Yoourrr... welcome?"

Always paid for everything.  Never thanked for anything.

MEEEEE! I always paid for everything!  I remember thinking early on that he was a bit 'cheap' when we went out, letting me pay for everything (I'm the kind of woman who doesn't expect a guy to pay and will open my wallet quickly).  Then 8 mths into the r/s he got injured at work and was off work for the duration of our r/s.  Even though he got disability and had a side job, he didn't help out with a damn thing, only paid for his truck, gas and insurance.  I am now in such debt b/c I kept believing he was just about to go back to work and start helping out (he was recuperated).  The last year or so I really started to pressure him to get back to work, help out.  So many empty promises, excuses, etc.  And so much denial and codependency on my part!  The ironic part is he got a full time job just weeks before I kicked him to the curb!  Maybe an unconscious part of me was worried he couldn't take care of himself and once he got a job he'd be okay?  Soo dysfunctional!

Hi Rifka, on the first few dates with my ex BPDbf he paid. BUT, he took me to inexpensive places like sports bar/pub type restaurants. Then he started in with the sob "victim" story about how he gave 80% of his paycheck to his wife, not ex wife, supposedly separated for 6 years, not divorced. Don't even know if that is true to this day.  

I then started offering to split meals just so we could go out, do things and have fun. Then it got to the point that because he was always broke, we didn't go out anymore. He didn't want to go out. I paid for take out, he'd always buy/bring the alcohol (alcoholic).

I also paid for the hotel for the two nightmare summer weekends away. He said he'd pay for meals. BUT, then didn't want to leave the hotel room. So all he paid for was take-out subs or pizza. Very cheap! I've been successful in my career and make really good money.

When my ex BPDbf reconnected with me on Facebook 4 years ago, we knew each another 30 years ago in high school, he said he had moved back to his childhood home after his separation. It was in the small town we both grew up in. Same town where I bought my ex husband out of the marital home and currently live. Turned out he lived in a large trailer in the backyard. Said he was fixing up the house on the lot next to his family home. First time I went over to visit him, it was clear from the caved in roof that the house had not been worked on and should be condemned.    So many lies and deceit!

i paid for everything. dates, meals, travel expenses... .even clothes. he never said thank you, not once.

on one of our last shopping trips, i was buying a few household items at target. he needed milk (which i don't drink). he put the gallon on the check-out with my stuff. it's only a few dollars, but it was the expectation that i would pay that made me sick.

Same here!

Paid his rent, food, debts, trips... .All of it.

In such an idiot... :

Oh yeah! I always had to save money to get it all to go around. And she would be angry every time I even mentioned that it was a very unbalanced economy. So yes... But I never linked it to BPD. But it seems to be a pattern here.

I think it's a pattern of abuse.

Yeah! I quess your right. It is amazing... I am truly honest here. It is amazing how many things one ignore in a relationship, when you blame yourself for every mistake that has been done. Incredible! One can't help but feel like a moron to not be able to observe these things earlier. Ohh... Well... Expensive lesson learned!

I paid for most things except in the beginning when she chipped in her fair share as part of her charm offensive  . At the end she became so entitled that she even complained when I was paying for absolutely everything... .that's when the bar was constantly being raised.

She turned into a real tightwad as time progressed. She became more materialistic and demanding too.

Married for 26 years - divorced in July, 2014.  It took about three conversations with my L to help him understand that I paid for basically everything and that I could not pay her alimony on top of that.  I sat down and figured out once that 95% of my paycheck went to family related expenses (mortgage, utilities, cars, insurance) etc.  and on 25% of her went to family expenses.  What happened to the balance of her check - more gear for whatever her latest hobby/obsession was plus payment on the $14,000 in debt she racked up without me knowing about it.  It was truly the classic "what is mine is hers and what is hers is hers."

It will take me about 2 years to pay off the mess of debt i took on from the divorce, but that's okay because I now control 100% of my check and spending and find it easy to live within my means.

It was mixed.

I met my ex in India about the time I ran out of money. So the last month over there she paid for everything so that I wouldn't have to go back home. On the last day, when we were at the airport about to go home to our respective countries, it turned out my plane ticket, that I bought with my last money, hadn't been registered in some way. So she had to buy me a ticket right there for some 600-700$. Later I bought her the tickets to come to me and after that the tickets for me to go to her two times. Usually she was very very generous. Often buying gifts for people and taking care of the bill. It was kind of irritating. But then, she was kind of (secretly) rich and with a need to be liked and in control.

When we first started dating we split everything. Then it slowly became me playing for everything because she was so broke.  Soon I paid her bills and paid for all the get aways and trips.

She would then tell me how this made her feel bad about herself... .me paying for everything.  It made her feel worthless... .but don't worry she still went on all the trips or left magazine pages open to what she wanted. At Christmas last year she gave me a list of what she wanted. I got nothing because she was so broke. A simple I love you would have been nice. At Valentine's day I didn't even get a card. She got expensive jewelry she said she wanted. On her birthday she got mad at me cuz the gift wasn't as expensive as she wanted. I got nothing on my birthday.

I pay for everything.  One time I told her I need to reduce expenses as I had some big expenses coming up she called me cheap.  But then again she has never even paid her own rent in her life and her only bill is a cellphone

My exBPDbf gave me the whole sob story, two exes taking all of his money.

I bought into it but refused to pay for anything in the beginning.

Most things we went to were free or I was comped because I ran parties at that venue!

He avoided going out at all costs, I told him that my life is outside because I work from home. He would eat at his house after work to avoid taking me out and spending money. He would then come and spend the night here and leave mornings for work!

He did this for weeks at a time,then I started complaining. He didn't give me any money to help with bills, started moving clothes in and I kept giving them back for him to take home the next day. It was insane. He believed he should pay his and I should pay mine, except he was staying at mine at one point for months at a time. Never even a bag of groceries.

When I finally told him that he can never return, I did get a thank you card thanking me for all he got from me. He saw all of these amazing concerts, was treated like a VIP at events. He was living large walking next to me.

Toward the end he was suggesting that I get a shore home. I was like why so you can have another free hotel to stay at? I don't think so!

Yes I had a feeling that none of the exes took care of anything financially.

My ex complained about buying me a glass of sangria once a week in a place he didn't pay to go in.

Such a loser!

His ex wives said he was the same with them! I believe them over him any day!

When we dated I paid for everything. After moving in with her, we split the household bills. But I usually paid for 80% of everything else. She made more money than be but she was always broke. She wasn't very good with her money.

Fred they are great with their money for them, just not usually for us it seems unless they are wealthy!


Glad to be free and paying my own way without the leech!

Nope. I did most of it, but that's expected since i'm a man. She did pay for some dates and such.

Sorry to be the odd man out. My ex didn't make a lot of money compared to me but she did chip in when she could but towards the end she didn't put her hand in her pocket very often. However, I do recall very early on when she found a necklace that she really liked and she showed it to me saying "I really like this" I replied "yeah it's nice" when she saw that I wasn't going to buy it she purchased it. But on the whole, considering her low income (really erratic work history) she didn't expect me to pay for everything.

Yes a gentleman does usually pay and always had in my past relationships. Of course they got many perks, concerts, vacations in return.

This just seemed so strange to me and I had never experienced it before!

  HUGE RED FLAG!  

We always paid 50/50 the biils. She insisted on that and anytime I made an attemp to pay the whole bill, there was an angry beast against me. She thinks that someone paying the bill is like losing her independence.

I paid for just about everything, even though she made more then I. When I asked her why she was not helping out with the bills she blew a gasket and asked why I thought she should support me ! What the heck ?

Hi, Well I wasn't married but dated her for bit over two years.

She had plenty of money from her previous 3 husbands.  That's not why I dated her though.  SHe was beautiful and charming.  I wasn't concerned about$$ .

In the beginning she would surprise me and buy me shirts.  :)ating once in  awhile in the beginning she would pick up the tab.  She was very generous.

Later when we took our 1st vacation we went 60/40.  The second one was a cruise on one of the largest ships in the ocean.  Over 6,500 passengers.  She had free flyers miles to get us there which was very nice.  I asked her if she could pay for transportation to and from the airport. She agreed and said no problem.

I paid for the vacation which was expensive since we booked so close to the departure date and paid for additional upgrade dinning and of course all drinks and whatever.  I thought that was fair.  

She said nothing for a month and was very happy.  Out of the blue she start to scream how cheap I was to make her paid for the transportation and what kind of man does that and this will be our lives today , on and on.  Then I told her I asked her the week before the trip if that was ok, and she said yes no problem .  She denied it ,  Finally I showed her an email that I sent to her 1 day before the trip thanking her so so much to paid for the transportation to and from the airport.  Her retort was, Sure now you are trying to introduce facts into this argument and called me a Right Fighter!

So in the end she wouldn't pay for anything.  I made sure even if she offered for the tip I would said no, plus 50% of the time before going out she would tell me how poor she was.  Yet months later gets a full facelift, eye lift and chin lift and some laser resurfacing.  Now that's her money and her choice  but you can't cry poor and then do that.  That's at least $25K.

I ended up paying for most things in the r/s. But this was never a problem for me in the sense that my ex wasn't materialistic. She made less money than me and also since I ran my businesses out of my home I used more utilities, etc. In the end she fell behind on rent and ended up owing me around $1000. But she was broke and had to pick up a second job as a barista when she moved out to compensate for me not covering for her. She was more uncomfortable about me picking up her slack as she skewed this into me being narcissistic and controlling her? I would never tolerate a materialistic woman and of all the crazy things I know about my ex I can say she never tried to get money out of me. Still it hurt me so much because she never once thanked me for helping her out--not because she wanted more it was just that I feel she was embarrassed. I would tell her not to worry a out such things because at a later date if I were in transition we may need to rely on her income for a bit. I wanted her to feel supported by me but independent as well. I was looking at the long term and willing to take on finances as a team. When she moved out she did try and pay me back. Twice she gave me a check for $100 and this was still when she was in dire straights. Honestly I'm almost crying as I type this because I attached such meaning to her paying me back. It's one of the few things that I have as evidence that she even cared about me at all. After months of NC she rang me up and actually brought up the rest of the money she owed. I told her not to worry about it and invest it in herself. In effect the $800 she still owed wasnt important to me I just needed to know that she respected me enough to try and pay me back. And I didn't want her to have this excuse to keep in contact and try and hurt me more so I let it go and cut her out completely. The fact that she gave me those two checks even though she was broke really does make me tear up. I wish she could have seen me picking up the slack financially as an act of love and trust from me rather than some way to try and control or contain her. For me I simply saw it as an investing in us so it's painful to know she never felt or recognized it as such.

So it sounds like a bit of a mixed bag depending on the type of pd and if it was the beginning of the relationship or not.

Your post reminds me about something about my ex. Did anyone notice something strange about their independence? A lot of the times that I offered something, she refused. Almost like she was throwing it back in my face or thought that she might owe me back or something. This is a person that is kind of irresponsible and gets plenty of help from her parents in different ways. But yet she has this strange type of fake independence. Towards the end after the split but before I moved out, she wouldn't let me help her with anything.

In the beginning my ex was willing to pay for everything.  In the end I was paying for everything.

Fred, yes there are so many strange things. When I met him he had just got his home back after refinancing, moving his parents in. He claimed he was helping them, but the truth was they were helping him. He was always crying poor.

He always claimed his independence and then I found out his parents did the refi. It's really not even his house! Lies, lies, lies! That's all I know from him!

By the way he makes more than 80,000 a year!

Seems like I'm going to be in the minority here but we used to take turns paying when we went out.  My ex was a compulsive spender,  she had no problems spending what she had.

He moved into my house and would give me money towards bills when he got paid. We figured out a set amount and he always followed through. He was very generous and bought new appliances and things for the house which he never took when he left. I never asked for anything but it would sometimes get thrown in my face at some point down the road.

At the beginning I did quite a few generous gestures. I bought us flights for a holiday to a romantic little island, nice meals, I was head over heels for her. She did offer to pay half for dinners etc. but didn't accept. She said she liked that about me... .Then a few months later I started accepting half. So it was half and half for most of the relationship. I think she did not like that. Half a year in the rs asked me to borrow some money - small amount a few hundred dollars. I said I will borrow her the money but she has to tell me when she will pay me back and that this should not become a habit. She got offended and didn't accept the money afterwards. Her parents had money and they always gave her when she asked. They were also helping her with her rent. I don't think she actually cared about the money itself. It was more of a sign of love to her and that she was in control i.e. if I pay for her that means I am into her. When she would get angry she would ask me for small amounts here and there that she may have paid in the past. It was very low.

Yep, my favorite part was that she was not working, and did more of household chores (not much more, we had a cleaning service). Had no problem rubbing that in equity in my face and complaining about it, and it'd be hell to pay if I brought up how I paid for rent, food, utilities, entertainment, animals, vacations... etc... .

Then, I would try and explain that we were a team, and I was actually fine paying for everything... but she didn't want to hear that

Contributed to holiday for her & her daughter.

Paid for seat reservation on return flight for said holiday.

Paid for travel insurance for said holiday.

Bought expensive necklace for her birthday.

Bought gifts on behalf of her kids for said birthday.

Paid maintenance for son when his dad didn't pay her.

Paid for numerous repairs to her car.

Gave money numerous times when she was out of cash.

Put petrol in her car on numerous occasions.

Paid for birthday gifts for her sons right down to cards & wrapping paper because she couldn't.

Bought garden equipment.

Bought expensive mobile phone.

Bought laptop when kids broke theirs.

I was a complete idiot for having been so good natured & caring towards somebody who didn't once pay or buy anything.

The not working part at the end made me feel like a total chump. She quit her job and meds this past April. I then started working more hours to make up for her being unemployed. I was also spending more of my money to keep the household up. I guess when I was working longer hours, she was keeping something up too, his name was Rocky. So anyhow, I spent a lot of my money to help out for 4 months only to discarded like trash. All that money would have been useful when I had to move out. I just wish all of this would have happened a few months earlier.

I hear ya man, I wish I never met her. The amount of money I spent, the heartache I am going through, not to mention that by the time I am healthy enough to even enter a new relationships it will be over 2 years wasted.

 

Like many here have stated , in the beginning he paid but he took me to very inexpensive places.  And not often. I am also the kind of woman that has no problem offering to pay and once I began to do so, not only did he never offer to pay ever again, he would ask me to pay for things he would bring back to his office for others. He made close to 6 figures and fully expected me to pay always. No shame as a man. I stopped doing so in the latter part of the r/s.   And now, when I go on date I do not offer.  

The topic of gifts could be another thread.  How little were given and how absolutely ridiculous for this man, who I was in a not at all casual r/s with, to sit there and accept a very thoughtful gift from me on holidays or bdays and reciprocate nothing. As if thats normal?

My ex girlfriend was a student, so she naturally had less money to contribute. In the beginning, she insisted to pay (I think she was afraid of people thinking that this is some sugar daddy relationship -- just a fear of rejection I suppose, I am not a millionaire and not that older), so generally the person who found their wallet first paid. Then, I borrowed her some money (which she asked for), bought here some gifts (which she wanted and I wanted her to have), nothing financially serious from my point of view (about $500 in total), and we broke up abruptly. She seems not to remember the debts, but she acknowledges that she has to return the gifts (or that 'I will return EVERYTHING which is yours so that you no longer have any reason to stalk me', but she does not, only returned the meaningless or cheap ones. If she breaks NC, I will probably tell her to return the remaining stuff (which I want) if she wants, and after that, that I feel that she has debts and she can return them if she wants.

My advice is to just let it go if you can and you are ready. They were gifts.

Caredverymuch, same here about the topic of gifts being a whole separate thread. Thank you for stating it, because I thought it was just me! 

I bought my ex BPDbf very nice birthday, Valentines Day and Christmas gifts... .clothes, a Kindle n case, jewelry (ID bracelet with a beautiful heartfelt, loving inscription), a watch, concert tickets, etc. I "always" planned in advance and made a restaurant reservation at a lovely, quaint, romantic place for his bday.

What did I receive in return? A cheap hallmark bracelet on one bday and a stuffed Gorilla on one valentines day. We were together for 4 years!

During one of our break ups 2 years back, I unfriended him on Facebook, but he didn't unfriend me. Back then, you both had to unfriend to totally disconnect. Two days after I broke up with him, 2 days after Christmas... .(I had given him a Kindle w/case... .he gave me nothing, no gift!) He posted on his Facebook Page: "I have a brand new Kindle with a case, still in the box, never opened or used! If you are interested in buying it, I'll take the best offer! First come, first served! Lol!"

I spent $300 on the Kindle and case! Not to mention the thought that went into findinf the perfect gift for the avid reader! Honestly, I can't make this stuff up! Now, looking back, it's unbelievable how I was under his idealization charm spell and the crappy treatment I put up with! So glad to be out and away from the insanity and chaos!

SO WHY WERE WE WILLING TO GIVE THEM WHAT WE DID? ( for those of you that paid for almost everything? ) or accept the lame excuses they gave for needing and wanting everything?

At the end, I just wanted to go, I was already bringing my kids, some friends, he wasn't offering to pay, so I just did instead of hearing crap after I got back and have every event ruined because he wasn't with me and would blow up my phone all night.

It was just easier than arguing at some point for me.

I was tired of hearing his poor me excuses of why he couldn't afford anything, which was a lie!

I would never do it again!

my ex never paid for anything unless she wanted it. she made double what I make. she would buy dirt every pay day for her flowers and candles. when people was over she would buy food for everybody. if she needed something she would just buy it and would always complain to me that I never bought anything for the house. but I was paying all the bills. one time she got mad at me and said all you do is buy cheap food. what the hell.

Yes, this defined my relationship as well.  I paid for the whole thing to happen and I paid for it all to end.

I paid for his living expenses, for his medical expenses, for his clothing, for his holidays, for his mobile phone airtime, for the wedding, for the debt he had, for our legal consultation fees, for him to move out of my house, for him to stay at a guesthouse for a few days, for him to buy a bus ticket out of my city and start a new life elsewhere and finally, I paid for the divorce.

And I am still paying him a monthly maintenance for the next while, as part of the legal agreement of the divorce (otherwise he would have tried to take half of everything I own, including my pension fund, as in my country if you don't take out a marriage contract within 3 months of wedding date, you default into the position where all your personal possessions are shared by both. He supposedly came into the marriage with nothing to his name... .).

What a costly life / learning experience for me.

And the reason as to why I did it:  I know now that I was firmly in the grips of a Trauma bond relationship.

The Awakening has been profound.

I just read about the trauma bond yesterday!

Freedom is priceless, finally understanding why we did or felt hypnotized the way we did while in and then after the relationship was incredible.

Do you know how to move that info here about TRAUMA BONDS! I think many who have not read it would benifit from learning about it?

Lessons can be costly.

Some people are preditors! It's a shame but true!

I don't know how to move info from one section to another, but I can highly recommend Patrick Carnes' book:  Betrayal Bonds, Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships, which I read about on the bpdfamily.Com website.   Stumbling upon this book and the whole notion of Trauma Bonding was very enlightening for me and made me realise a lot of my own dynamic in relationships!  And made me understand where it all came from way back in my Family of Origin.

A betrayal bond makes you stay with and be utterly loyal towards a person who is very "unsafe" for you!  Almost like the "Stockholm Syndrome"! 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0

This book was tremendously helpful to answer the question 'why?'... .That was what I had been struggling with the most.  And yes Ihope2, the awakening HAS been profound, most definitely!

Thank you Pingo for posting this here!

It's eye opening and yes totally answers the Whys?

Mine paid once in 18 months.

No, she paid or I paid. She never expected me to cover anything. It was one of the few "normal" aspects.

"Ill get the tab"

"no, dont worry, ill get it"

"okay. Ill get it next time".

It was very even sided. There was no "take me here and buy for me".