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Probably like many I left after several attempts (Break up etc) always she wanted back after awhile and things would be good for a bit.  I know that's more about abandonment then love.  So mayb

e I answered all that is needed.  .   

Anyway, After 6 months I saw weird behavior and saw a whole bunch of bad signs, lots but she was good to me, and beautiful.  Moving on raging hitting etc.  Making things up and ending with cheating being active on line Dating and probably dating since breaking many dates on the fly with me.

I never heard of SET until 6 months ago,  so I know SET is for us, and will not change them, but hopefully help us not to take things so personally, though we are under attack and could  ease the situation while acknowledging their pain but not accepting their abuse.  I know this means sometimes leaving the situation until they become more calm (Who knows) while trying to still have their respect and create boundaries. Not easy from what I understand.

I guess this seems like a good tool if you are already in a relationship like living with someone , married, or have parents or kids like this.

But would most go through all of this just dating and hoping for the best down the line, and really how long and what toll does it take on your emotions , body and mind. 

Just curious if anyone knows!

Hi outside9x,

I use SET in every day life. I use it at work with co-workers that I know are passive aggressive via communicator or e-mails etc. Or co-workers that have difficult personalities. I use it on friends, family and my kids and it's to say that the people in my life are difficult.

I use it on uBPDex sometimes in email communiques to sort of smooth out the edges when we're dealing with the kids. It doesn't always work. If she's dysregulated I let her soothe herself first and I'll send the message later. Her feelings are facts and not facts then feelings. It validates what she feels and you can say your truth in your message.

It's an effective way to get your message or truth across without sounding invalidating and shows empathy and support. You can get to the T but it's a less triggering way of getting there.

HI Mutt,

I agree, I use that a bit too, since I realize that many times when people are mad they most likely are feeling some hurt or pain, or misunderstood something.  It works well with people who are a bit more adjusted.

Yeah, Now I wishing I did this with her, maybe we would still be together I don't know.  Case of the if's!

I learned a lot of lessons with my ex. A lesson I learned is that not all people are cookie-cutter. Some people have very different personalities than mine. I had a sort of expectation before for people to come to my level. Now I know better. My ex is wired differently than I, so I communicate differently.

I thought the same thing outside9x. What if? Sometimes when I communicate with ex with SET, her response is invalidating, black and white etc etc and it can be triggering. I choose to be indifferent and it doesn't trigger me like it did in the marriage. Sometimes I don't respond - low contact.

SET is a tool and a relationship has a lot of moving parts. It's a tool that I use now because she taught me a lot of lessons. The reality of it is, she is untreated and undiagnosed. I believe that things are not going to improve unless she seeks help and she has to want that.

Above all, true change starts with you. When you change, everything changes. I couldn't change or fix her and she's not self aware and doesn't think she needs help. Tools help now, but I think I had a lot working against me at the time. I did my best and that's all that I can do.

I understand. After joining the boards, reading posts, finding answers I had a lot of what if's. I think that's natural.