BPDFamily.com

I am male, 40 years old. Weigh 100kg with a  muscular build. I am an engineer with a  MBA from a top 10 European Business school. I am a successful businessman, with a wife and three children.

I do not look like a typical domestic abuse victim. But my dark secret is that I am. My wife has a Borderline and Narcissistic personality disorder, and the truth is that I have been abused physically, psychologically and mentally for 14 years.

I have felt shame about this. I have been embarrassed by it. But I have made a decision to put a stop to it. The most frightening thing about this abuse is that I did not even know it was happening. I functioned successfully in the world, but I have slumbered through 14 years if this. My children have also suffered abuse, and I have witnesed it, seemingly in a trance. This realisation has awoken a warrior in me to fight for my children's mental health. And part of my plan to rid our life of this dark secret is to shine the warm sunlight of truth upon it.

This is the first time I have shared this in a public space.

You rock, Moselle!

I think it likely that a significant percentage of the male participants of this forum are victims of domestic abuse. You guys are pioneers, really, and your kids are so lucky that you have the courage to examine and change this.

Hi Moselle

Its amazing that we don't realise we are the victims of abuse. Im also male, 6'1, engineer, ex soldier so not your stereo typical abuse victim but I was mentally abused to the point I nearly broke down. I ended up with mild PTSD and was a nervous wreck.

I fully understand the trance thing aswell. Im disgusted with my self at the things my ex did and I just let her.

Moselle... .good for you!   You just took a huge step.  You have nothing to be embarrassed about... .  you deserve to be free of abuse and free your children from abuse also.  Good luck to you... .!

Thank you all for your support. I knew I could count on that here. It means so much to me!

Thanks Moselle

It is a really difficult thing to even realize is happening often times.  As a male we are conditioned to minimize it or told that's just how women are.  A big problem is the lack of awareness of what abuse is.  Luckily with the anti-bullying movement emotional abuse is begining to come into the public spotlight.

Good on you, Moselle,

What a courageous and self-loving statement to make. I admire your strength to strive for a better life for yourself and your children.  

Here's to warm sunlight in the dark corners! When you know your next step on this path, come and share it with us—we're here for you.

heart

Hi Moselle,

I can understand what it is like to not even realise that you are being abused and you are brave to come out of the denial and take care of your needs and that of your children.   Once I realised what was going on I felt a sense of shame admitting to people that I had allowed the abuse.  I also felt shame for what I put my kids through.  I am a woman and even though there is so much in the media these days about domestic abuse, it is still stigmatising.  It must be very difficult for men to come forward and you will help many by doing so.  I wish you all the best on your path of healing.

Congratulations for going public Moselle, and I'm sorry you've felt shame and embarrassment over it, it must have been very difficult.


Good for you!  What was the catalyst that inspired you to make the decision?

Shine on Moselle!   

I am so very pleased for you.  That could not have been an easy post to write.  Your children are very fortunate to have you in their corner.  I think you are brilliant!

Thanks Pingo. It feels like I just have to act now - for my children. I have been in a funk of denial/depression about it. I am facing the fact that my wife may never choose healthy. She raged for 6 months when I left, then she tried really hard for 8 weeks, but she's now reverted. I think she realises that she can no longer control me. I'm wise to the FOG, victim game and the manipulation. It must be frightening for her to get called out each time she tries it. But there's a level of personal integrity in me about this. I want to go back to the relationship, but I can't put up with the abuse.


Thanks heartandwhole. My next steps are shining light everywhere I can on this. Talking to people around the family and the children, letting them know what has happened, and where I want it to go. I started with shining the light with my W's parents and asking for their help. They told me in no uncertain terms where to get off and that it was all my fault lol. So be it. I didn't ask them to like the message. I just told them the message, and treated them with respect. People can choose to embrace the light or close the curtains. "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven". My big lesson in all of this is to focus my efforts on generating my own light, and not put up with the behaviour of those who would extinguish it. I feel it's about generating my own momentum now, independent of her choices.


I find that those that tell me this also have an abusive woman in their life. It's incredible how one abusive person can shape how we see everyone. I believe there are many wonderful women out there. Kind, nurturing, respectful. I look forward to developing relationships with women like that.


I'm not sure it was one catalyst. I think it was a build up of understanding BPD/NPD, experimenting with boundaries, listening to other people's stories of abuse and how they are dealing with it. It has been a lonely walk, but I have faith that this lonely walk in the short term, will lead to true happiness in the long term.


It was actually very easy to write. The hard part is now dealing with the inconvenient truths and the consequences for making decisions. I am hesitating in the undecided space for divorce or not. I'm just doing what I can right now to help myself and my children. I'm hoping the decision of divorce or not will become clearer, as the light is shone in the dark corners. My default is to stay, but if she cannot respect my boundaries, then it becomes a no-brainer.

I really like that "I didn't ask them to like the message" statement.  You aren't responsible for other people's reaction.  That's a hard one for me.  I can see how my 'self' is wrapped up in what other people think of me and that's what I'm working on. 

After I split with my ex the first time I told everyone what had been going on, I shone a light on the abuse and people were shocked.  Then I took him back!  And I felt embarrassed for telling people everything I did.  I lost a good friend because she couldn't handle me going back to him.  It took a second split two months later for me to be really sure that it was what had to be.  After the initial numbness wore off and I entered the unbearable grief stage. I doubted myself, wondered if I had made a huge mistake, wondered how this pain was better than the abuse... .but I got through it and now the days where I am relieved I made the decision far outweigh those dark days.  And this time will come for you as well.  Just try to take good care of yourself and keep the focus on your own healing and that of your kids. 

Hey Moselle, Welcome to the Club!  I suspect that, as KateCat suggests, many of us males on the site were victims of domestic abuse by a female pwBPD.  I know I was.  Violence against women is certainly a serious problem, but violence against men goes largely under the radar.  Many men, myself included, may feel embarrassed to admit they were abused by a woman, yet I suspect it happens all the time.  Thank you for shedding light on this dark corner of BPD.  Lucky Jim

Thanks Lucky Jim,

I really can't believe I'm a member of that club. It is a bit embarrassing. And I'm awkward about it actually. I hope it can become a scar that becomes a reminder, but no longer causes pain.

Well, I was in denial about it for a long time.  Then one day I read an article on the web about domestic abuse against men and discovered that I had experienced 9 of the 10 criteria listed, which got my attention.  Agree, it feels a little embarrassing and awkward, yet now I speak openly about it with close friends and family.  Now I look back and wonder how I could have allowed myself to be the victim of abuse, yet at the time I was sort of brainwashed by my BPDxW to think that it was normal.  Makes me shudder a little to think how easy it was for her to manipulate me with FOG, yet I was in some ways her emotional captive.  No longer, and never again!  Lucky Jim

Moselle, as a woman it took me along time to admit and say that I was a victim of domestic abuse.

I drove by our crisis shelter numerous times till I got the courage to go in. When I finally did and talked to someone, I was blaming myself still as I was talking.  So for a male , this has too be even more difficult.

I have a female friend , who I have been distancing myself from , who is a perfect description of BPD. I heard /saw it first hand of the female abusing the male.  She is currently divorcing this second husband.

You are believed as there  are many male members here going though what you are going though.

I read this in one book , that it is like playing the slot machine. You keep pulling the lever, loosing, then you get some payout, just enough to keep you playing, it becomes an addiction. The  little bit of normalcy keeps us in the r/s becomes the addiction.  Hence, stop the addiction.  Stop hoping for the normal r/s.

You have started , keep moving forward with it.

Moselle, well... it takes some guts to admit that you are in your situation.  MOst men don't and what I find it remarkable is that you are able to function.  Honestly, ever since my wife went full blown NPD, I have not being able to function at the level that I know I am capable of and struggle everyday.  I hate to say it or admit, I am in the same shoes as you.  Welcome to this board and I believe it takes lots of guts to come forward about being abused as a men.  Men don't like to see ourselves as victims and that is why we are easily manipulated as individuals and as a society as well.  More men should be like you and call it as it is. 

Pou. I am not able to function as I know I can, but I get better every day. I miss my kids terribly, and I am absolutely floored by withdrawal from the addiction. I've heard someone describe it as "living like a rockstar", and it probably was like living on the edge all the time.

Also, I've been floored before, and aint nobody gonna keep me down  :)

"In the past I have made an unwise choice to hand power over to a person that exhibits traits of a serious mental disorder. I will pour all of my energy and love into healing and recovering myself, and actively holding myself accountable and responsible for my own life. This includes learning to love, soothe and accept myself, becoming excited about my life and its possibilities, working hard at opportunities that I find stimulating and fathering my children"

My life becomes very exciting if I try and live this out. It makes me excited to wake up in the morning and do my best at it. I feel challenged and invigorated by it.


Sorry to hear that Whirlpoollife. Abuse is so insipid.

It drains us of life. It is absolutely an addiction. My wife has just gone NC on me, and although it feels like silent treatment. I feel the real me coming out of the shadows. Long live NC. Well when she needs money she makes an exception LOL.

I just wanted to say that all of your stories are inspiring to me. Thanks for sharing. I get a bit of strength from each of you

Moselle, I am glad to see you are transforming… and I hope you are successful.  Since I have a doctorate in philosophy… lol… really in science, but it is PhD... sometimes I need to rationalize myself out of this emotional stuff… especially something is as to my heart.  Honestly, I didn't grow up from a conventional home.  I had to fend for myself most of my childhood and so, I learned how to be extremely low maintenance.  I don't demand much from my partner and I don't mind giving every thing I have to her.  I wanted to give, because it full fills my heart … before this NPD relationship, I was much a believer in love and a believer in if you just give, it will come back to me … well, what happen to me was that the torpedo hit me instead.  Before this board, I felt so alone and confused and I swore that everyday I woke up and thought that I was living in a bad episode of twilight zone.  This board helped me "re-orienting" myself, but also gives me lots of tool to rationalize my situation.  You sound optimistic about your future or life after being with a PD.  For myself, i believe in order for me to get out of this FOG ... eventually, is for me to first accept and realize that there is no such thing as "love" … I think the trouble is that if I am to continue looking for or desire for "love", I am setting myself up to stay "emotionally" tied to my current situation or I would easily walk into another PD situation after this one (which I am not planning to, because I would just be glad to survive my current relationship in one piece).   This may sound weird... but I believe that once I completely eliminate the need and/or want for love, then I will be able find the real love … the irony is that will only appear when I don't want it.  So go figure that out… so far, that is my journey to understanding it ... through my experience with a PD.  Another possibility is that I was born without a "love card" in my life and I would have to accept that as well.  I think the notion to looking for love will bring me to another PD.  Honestly, i got three kids and I can give them all the love that I have … and since it is unconditional, it will fulfill my need to give love … because by doing so, I would have completed part of my need to love.  Naturally, my kids would offer the love that they can give to me as a father, and that would be very good as well.  At the end of the day, romantic notion of love is a bit dangerous…  i am an old dog, being kicked a few times and so I stay away from the shoes.     

So in a recent study put out by NIMH - statistically speaking - men and women share equally when it comes to being the victim of abuse in relationships. The level of violence is really what sets the men and women apart (i.e. more women die from domestic violence then men). 

It's important to know that you really are not alone in this, Moselle, and there is no shame in talking about it. 

It's also pretty normal to just want to shout it from the mountain tops when you've kept it in that dark, hidden place for so long. It's what shifts us from being a victim of what happened to us to a survivor of it.

So know that as inspired as you feel, know that you're inspiring others too.  :)

Thanks Dreamgirl! That's an interesting statistic. I do want to talk about it, but I don't want to be defined by it. If that makes any sense?

Yes, it makes sense: you were abused, which is a behavior, but you are not an abused person, which is an identity.  And the shame of the behavior is hers, not yours.

It makes sense to me too --- and I like how fromheeltoheal put it.

I also think it's part of how anyone is able to process through it.

Not talking about it doesn't feel good. Talking about it doesn't really feel all that great either (I mean, let's talk about baseball playoffs!) -- but keeping it in isn't going to get to you a different place.  

You have to be able to express yourself in a way that is going to help. What's that saying  --- the only way out of the desert is through it (or something to that effect) --- because talking about really is the only way "out". That's my therapist talking. :)

Glad that you're in a place to want to just get through it.  

Perhaps I could ask your advice on something. I'm going back there tomorrow for 5 or 6 days. I'M Gung Ho to just be open about this and tell everyone around her, but intuitively that seems to a poor strategy.  What I really want is a  selected group of friends be aware and interace  with my kids as much as possible as role models and alternative adult figures. .

It might not go down well, with me seemingly diagnosing her.

What's the outcome you're looking for exactly by being open and honest about it all?

If you look on the Victim to Survivor to Thriver Chart -- there's a distinction in being able to "tell our story" that begins to co-exist with our ability to determine who is "safe".  My super-secret-kept-it-locked-up-abuse was childhood abuse that at one point I could've told the bagger at the grocery store if the opportunity presented itself. It felt so, so good to shed some of that shame. :)

Talking to fellow warriors anonymously at bpdfamily is definitely a "safe" place to start.

I just see us (in these situations) having to develop new "gauges" in this. First define the difference as to what is "shame" and what is "private" because when you deal with so much shame/guilt/fear in this, our litmus tests need a lot of work. I mean, we also don't want to put the bagger in an awkward position either.  

This trip you're going on is mostly for spending time with the kids? Does it need to be clouded with all of this hard stuff?

When you say close friends, are they mutual? Or are these friends who feel they'll need to be "picking sides" (that is so common in divorce)?

Hi Moselle

You need to be careful who you choose and how much you tell them. If there is someone you trust that knows your ex then they may already realise that your ex can be unstable. By asking them if they can do you a favour and look out for the kids for you as you worry that their mum may have a negative effect on them due to how she is then you wont be seen as causing trouble and labelling her crazy.

I would only expand on the reason if pushed. If the people you ask say that they are also worried and that they think there is something more wrong with her then you could let them know the full picture.

Hey Moselle, Who are you quoting (above)?  Did you write it?  The author puts it well.  Thanks, LJ

LJ. It's mine but formflier coached me through it. He proposed something and it grew into this. I'm so grateful for it, because this has become a bit of a mantra for me.  I read it every day

I like it.  Very inspiring.  Thanks, Lucky Jim

thanks Moselle. i too am an abuse victim, physically and emotionally from my wife, and sexually from an earlier girlfriend. i didn't mention this in any place for a long time, and only do so now, when i do, over the webs. it will take some time to create a culture in which this sort of thing can be discussed with some chance of acceptance, and that culture can only be created by individual decisions like yours to announce it.

as to telling others IRL, i think enlighten me has given very good advice. choose only a few, and say only as much as necessary. but the idea in itself is good. it'll be practice in being open.

The hard part is that she will claim the same, have little to no evidence. But because you're male, you will be assumed and treated as an abuser.

"Been there, done that" too.  Looking back, I am amazed how impacted I was.  When speaking with her I was virtually stuttering because I was weighing each word I spoke to her to avoid triggering her.  And no it didn't work, sometimes she would trigger herself with no input from me.  And after a decade of marriage I found myself unable to look women in the eye, looking down instead, I was so conditioned by her endless jealous insinuations and accusations.

I realized the End Was Near when our child was approaching the same age, 3 years old, when her abuser stepfather had came into her life.  We had been married over a dozen years but she began reliving her childhood through our son and since I was now a father she saw her SF instead of me.  When I could no longer reason with her at all, I had to accept staying any longer with her would put me at risk of wearing an orange jumpsuit for many years.

Precisely how you go about ending the abuse is very important.  In today's world where there are laws favoring one gender over the other, such as "Violence Against Women Act" of 1974 in the USA, it is difficult for the professionals to see us men as targets or victims.  I recall when I spoke with my lawyer about the continuing conflict, he said, "Well, you married her" almost as though I shared the blame.  Replying "Well, the marriage was manageable at first but slowly became 'high maintenance' until we had a child and then it rapidly imploded" didn't garner much sympathy.

When we had our first legal incident, the day I called 911 and the police rushed over, that was the start of her repeated allegations in an attempt to make me look worse than her.  Though I was the one who called 911, she later claimed the police gave her information about DV shelters and resources, however I got nothing from them.  Looking back, I think I was about to get carted off when the officer told me to hand our preschooler over to his mother and 'step away'.  But he shrieked and clung even tighter to me.  What child is afraid to go to his mother?  The officer stared at me for a long moment and then said "work it out" and they left.  Our son saved me that day.  But fortunately I had a recorder in my pocket and recorded the incident and the truth came out in court.  Still, she got off the hook, she was declared Not Guilty in her Threat of DV trial because she didn't have a weapon in her hands and therefore her death threats were classified by the judge's interpretation of case law as not 'imminent' and therefore not actionable.  I am sure that if I had done what she had done I wouldn't have gotten off as lightly as she did.  But that's the reality I had to deal with.

Wow ForeverDad, I believe I read that story about your son's reaction in a different post from you in the past, but it is just truly mind blowing.  How is your son now?  How are YOU now?  I don't know why no matter how much I've gone thru personally and no matter how many stories I read, many (like yours and my own) STILL blow me away.  I suppose I should be lucky that I lived 41 years before I ever encountered someone like this who is so abusive.  And be so glad that my daughter's father is not like that. 

a little after the time i was raped, another bloke in the area was raped, and went to the crisis center and, i heard, got laughed at.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing your story here. That must have been shattering for him. But courage  for coming forward. I wonder how many are never reported. Male or female.

In a similar vein I went to a church leader and said that my wife hits and punches me. His response was "I'll have to check with her if you hit her first or retaliated". I said "I have never hit my wife. Not once ever". His response "I don't believe you". She played victim and said she felt emotionally raped that's why she hit me. Very high functioning my wife. Very high. Guess who was believed.

The stereotyping seems ingrained in our societies.

I'm realising for the first time in this post that I can shine a light in my dark corners. It's one small light but it's a light.

I shared with my daughter today, that I will never again tolerate that kind of abuse by anybody. My daughters will grow up knowing what is acceptable/not acceptable by male or female.

That might be the extent of my reach, but I will educate who I can.

Interestingly I heard a talk show by a woman presenter the other day, who said "tonight we are going to raise a topic which I think uncovers a part of society we very seldom hear. "Female on male abuse". She asked the listeners to call in and there was a stream of men who opened up. It's happening, but happening slowly. She was great!

it is. that incident i related was 20 or 21 years ago, and i don't think it would happen today, but you still read pretzellogical stuff like this:

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/may/18/solange-jay-z-beyonce-fight-assault-domestic-violence-men-women

I was in a lesbian relationship with a BPD for 3 years. I am 5'8", 165 lbs, she is 5'3" 125 lbs.  When someone has not filter, it doesn't matter how small they are. They can do some damage.

I tried to break up with her one night. She attacked me. Pinned me to the ground, hand at my throat and told me she would make my life a living hell if I broke it off. I didn't retaliate because I am not a violent person. Not only that, I was not about to engage in that.   There were times she'd threaten, "No one will ever believe that I hurt you. I'll tell everyone it was you."

I didn't even realize that I was keeping this stuff under my hat and under wraps. I downplayed things. I never told our therapist when we were in couples counseling. The gas lighting started after couples counseling.  So now I was the one who was crazy. According to my therapist, she could tell my ex was terrified that I was going to out her abut something.  It wasn't until I finally said goodbye that the fog lifted. I started speaking out... .

I understand the importance of saying you were abused, Moselle. It gives you power to take charge of your life. To not feel like you are at the mercy of a mentally unstable person. To get out of the sickness handed to you by someone else.    

Hi Moselle,

How are you doing? Did you decide to share your story with people in your life?

LnL

Thanks for asking LnL.

She's making life very difficult, but I'm not playing that game any more. And its amazing that once I made that choice, its been possible to separate her emotions from mine.

I mentioned BPD to a retired, close friend of the family who lives one block away. He listened. He asked if he could find a book about it, so I took my copy of "Stop walking on eggshells" over to his house. He started to ask questions and we ended up talking for 2 hours as I read different parts of the book with him. I said to him that it has been such a lonely road, and it meant alot to know that someone else knew. W also trusts him implicitly which is an opportunity. He said he'd like to help, but understanding it will mean that he's not adding to the problem. Wow, first effort in shining the sunlight went very well!

W says she's filing for divorce today. I think this might be the one? (after 25 such threats) because her parents are behind it now, and I can understand that they think I am abusing her, by the way she carries on. The mother is deffo one of BPD, NPD or both, and I'm shining the warm sunlight on the dark family secrets, so I'm becoming the lightning rod so to speak. Well that's a price I'm willing to pay for my kids.

W's also threatening to pull the children out of school and move to her parent's city. As I start shining the light close to her, she may go back to the dark places she's used to at her parent's home. No problem. I'll start shining the light there too. This is my children's mental health we are dealing with and she has no idea how determined I am to help my kids.

I'm spending time with the children just keeping them close and being stable for them. That part is going really well :-)

Something is going to happen soon. And I'm not sure if it will be a break-up (divorce) or reconciliation, but one thing I do know is that I won't be abused like that again. I still catch myself getting lost in the FOG, but I forgive myself and move on.

There is a solid backbone growing in me, which has been in large measure due to the support and information I've received on this site!

|iiii  |iiii

this was my experience too. i chose carefully but the response was beyond what i could have expected. it helped stabilize me. so glad to read it went well for you!

I applaud you Moselle, and hope that this public admission accelerates the growth and healing.



I have not, and will never publically discuss my abuse. 

Well done.   

Likely she will be making allegations either in the court filings, separately with evaluators or children's services agencies.  Do you have documentation (I used recordings as my 'insurance' that you're not the one misbehaving and rewriting history?

One way I describe how the pwBPD feels when facing separation or divorce is that he/she must make repeated allegations so that, no matter how bad he/she looks, you appear worse than him/her.  For example, when my ex had temp custody during the divorce and she raged at the pediatricians' staff for allowing me to make an appointment (which I informed her about), she was consequently 'fired' - in the letter sent her they termed it "withdrawal of services".  So what did she do?  She had to make me look worse than her.  So a week later she took our son who had just started kindergarten to our local children's hospital.  Somehow she managed for the first time to get him to parrot her claims.  He stated I had raged at him and beat him on his shins of all places!  Even the nurse making the report noted they were normal bruises for a very active boy but based on his statements the hospital referred it to CPS.  CPS called me in, I shared with them that my son had wanted me to see his bruise and when I asked how he got it he couldn't remember then said maybe it was when he was on the monkey bars at a park with his mom!  CPS thanked me for my information but had already interviewed son at supposed neutral school and were going to close the case.

I ask because when both parents are making allegations against each other, then (1) it can easily turn into hearsay such as "he-said, she-said" or (2) defaulting to siding with the mother.  Remember too that you'll be speaking reasonable and she'll be very emotional when making her allegations, trying to transform her emotionally charged claims into her 'facts'.  And yes they can be very emotionally compelling to the unwary and gullible.  As in, "If she's that worked up about it, then it must be true."

That's powerful, Moselle. Whole new world ahead for you 


I'm really glad to hear that! Have you read any of Brene Brown's work about vulnerability and shame? She has a book (and TED talk) called Daring Greatly. I remember she says that people have to earn the right to hear your story. Shining sunlight can warm us and help us see better, but it can also be too bright so we can't see anything, and too hot to handle. The goal is to find the sweet spot so you can grow from this.


It's powerful stuff to be vulnerable like this. What I have noticed is that when people are not able to confront their own shame, they cannot handle seeing you deal with yours.


Focusing on what it means to be emotionally healthy is the best gift you can give your child. They will experience your example and try out your moves  *) and more than likely, it will feel better than what they've ever known.

We are meant to feel connected to each other through our most vulnerable feelings, not afraid of those feelings.



LnL