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My BPDw has and will scream this at me from time to time when she is in a rage or when she is paining me black.

Does anyone know why this is a feeling that they get?

WHY they put that upon the non?

Here is the thing.

I realize this is a subjective statement... .but... .

I have worked SO very hard to give her and my children a really GOOD life.

I really do think I am a good man, husband, father.

I have been able to gain a pretty solid amount of success in my career and have been there for my family at every turn.

Re my wife - she had wanted to have a large family AND her desire was to do all we could for her to be able to be a SAHM.

We have been lucky enough to accomplish all of that and more.

Yet now... .I (ME!) am the person who "ruined her life"... .(?)

I have read on this orum this statement being hurled at so many other non's/husbands - and just wanted to better understand what/why they feel that way. Or DO they really feel that way?

End of the day - it truly hurts me that she feels that way. Not in any "ego" way - but rather - I REALLY wanted to have my wife feel the OPPOSITE of this. I wanted to do all I could to make her HAPPY with her life.

Now this.

In many ways - this is such a foreign concept - I cannot even understand it.

I would NEVER feel that about another - OR - even WANT to believe that.

Can anyone help me understand?

Can anyone suggest how/what to do to change that feeling?

Hi Nightmoves,

I think they say whatever they know will hurt us.

My BPDh told me yesterday during MC and right afterwards that I'd "forced" him into the r/s. That he shouldn't have come back the first time he splitted and left me, and that none of the things in our life were of his decision... .including baby  :'(

That's hurtful, especially that I did ask him several times when I got pregnant what he wanted, and he was so happy about the news.

That's terribly unfair on people like us, who do everything to make out family happy.

I know we should just be able to ignore all this, but it's hard;

Indyan -

Yes - you putit well... .many times they completely claim the opposite of what the originally said or wanted.

Sorry that you too are in this chaos... .

Ive heard that statement literally an hour after she said i saved her life.  The reality is she has no idea who she is, and her identity is however she is feeling at the moment.  No concept of how she is responsible for her own life. 

 

Most likely this statement gets a reaction and that is why the pwBPD keep using it.

The trick is to not react and understand the underlying emotion so you can validate it.

Would you mind explaining this FOrmflier?

What reaction do they get? That it hurts us? They want to hurt us then?

That we move away from them? That we don't trust them anymore? That we think they are monsters with no hearts?

What can be the emotion in need of validation under "I was forced into our r/s from the beginning"?

Well, yes, I guess PBDh feels cra^p because HIS chaos is the cause of our relationship to end, and he probably feels guilty, ashamed and can't face it.

But I can't possibly tell him that, can I?