BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted on here in a long time. Coming up to 2 years since I did.

I've been through many changes and lived a fair few experiences to boot. I'm quite happy with my personal progress over the last couple of years. The main one being I am no longer under the "spell" of my BPDex. I hardly think about her these days. :)

I think my main concern is how I'm relating to the people I've dated since the split. Dating was never something I ever worried about. Never thought about. I never had any worries with that. Since BPD became part of my life I now suffer because of it and having a relationship with someone is a real challenge. I do suffer from PTSD but I'm almost recovered from it now.

You see I had a long distance relationship with my BPDex. I've dated a few people here and had one relatively long one a couple of years ago. Over the last 2 years I have found myself in 2 more LDRs. Neither of which ended up being successful. It's like I'm still grinding away at the same old problem, repeating the same error over and over again.

What happened with the last relationship was I became quite attached to the woman, fell in love with her. I hadn't felt that way for a long time. It was so scary for me. I wasn't too bothered about the other relationships as they weren't all that serious, but serious enough. This was different.

This last one was strange and I don't really know why. The woman I was with had also been in a BPD relationship before me, in fact she'd been in a serious of emotionally abusive relationships. What was difficult was I had to stay with her for a certain length of time during the summer for my vacation because of the distance. It was difficult and because it was and LDR I got triggered. A lot reminded me of events that I'd lived before with the BPD and I got quite upset on a few occasions. Nothing drastic happened but the woman's reactions were rather odd, I felt they were a little out of context considering we were kooked up in a small apartment 24/7. There's always going to be difficult moments in a situation like that. What was also difficult was she would be very blunt, making remarks that were cutting and hurtful and would often talk about her exes, too often really for me to feel comfortable with it. When I tried to talk to her about these things she got extremely upset and things became unbearable for her. She simply couldn't accept any form of criticism. It was a disaster for her. She would question her capacity to relate with people.

I don't want to say it was all her and I definitely contributed my part in this. It must have been scary for her to see me have a PTSD moment when I was triggered, they probably triggered her too. It definitely worked both ways. What I'm trying to say is I'm still getting involved with people that aren't really available and I know I'm not really available myself, why would I even think of getting into another LDR. It's like I am putting myself in a place where I will be  rejected over and over again or feel engulfed and my partners either do the same or feel overpowered by the relationships. This whole BPD world is a confusing place for so many people and the very fact I chose to be in one shows me that I have so much work still to do. I feel gutted this has happened again.

I think it's all about self-love. I want to know how I can really get down to that. I have seen therapists already for this. I don't feel I'm in a place for that at the moment. What other options do I have? I've read so many books. I just want to try something new. Something gentle and soothing that doesn't involve anyone else.

I would appreciate any suggestions.

Thank you

Hi Vanilla-Essence,

Have you tried meditation? There are some great things online that are really helpful. I've actually gone to a spiritual healer as well. It's not for everyone, but it's definitely an option.

I broke up with my BPD ex about 5 months ago. She haunts me still, not gonna lie. I started seeing someone about 5 hours away. I realize it's because it's safe. My space isn't going to be invaded if I don't want it to be, etc. It sounds to me like the person you were seeing definitely had some serious issues. Issues that are not your burden to bare. I would have told you to run! Run far away!

It's OK and incredibly awesome that you are seeing this in yourself. Knowing is a big part of the battle. Right now I would kill to be at the point you're at. Remember how far you've come!