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Almost 4.5 months out of a 28 year marriage. Three recycles over the last year. Went NC 77 days, then had to see her at my deposition two weeks ago. Then had to deal with mediation in separate rooms, which turned into an attempt at a Reconciliation Agreement. Drafts back and forth Friday. Now nothing but silence. I'm a psychological wreck. On two anti- depressants, one anti-anxiety, sleeping pills. I'm now working and sleeping at my 76 year old mom's townhouse. How pathetic. One hour working, one hour sleeping, one hour crying. I'm financially ruined because of all the lawyers and experts fees. At 57 life shouldn't be this way. I'm the one who left because she got arrested for DV on me a year ago and it was obvious that she was going to turn the tables in her next rage. So I did what everyone here says to do... .run. I feel like a coward. I feel so sad that I couldn't help her in the end; yeah co-dependent. Everyday is nothing but pain that never ends. And no it's not getting better.

I'm so sorry . Being in a relationship with a BPD is like a really bad dream. That doesn't end, the whole I love you your the one I have been looking for my whole life to NC silent treatment until they want something or get so lonely that they put out this tiny bit of bread and then being a normal caring person you eat it and off we go again. I know thus is the worst thing that could happen to a person you don't even know that they will use you all up and them make you think that your the one with the problem. It is so harming right down to your soul. I feel your pain I know everyone here does too. Please take care

Hi hopeless777,

 I am sorry to hear you are in such pain.  28 years is a long time and 4.5 months is so soon.  Anytime I see my exBPDgf it opens up wounds and gets me mixxed up.   I was only with mine for two years.  My first month just got worse everyday.  I finally started seeing a therapist.  I look forward to therapy so much.  Something else I do when the pain is overwhelming is push-ups.  I drop and do 10, if my heart still aches, I do 10 more.  It helps and at worst I get in better shape.

Oh gee... .now what have I done. We started texting two days ago about the Reconciliation Agreement. Maybe for an hour on stuff. Real slow so I just picked up the phone and called her. She answered and I couldn't believe it. She said a day earlier she would never have talked with me? We talked for four hours, very calmly. Next evening another four hours on the phone. She says that she just wants to keep up the house and herself while we're in individual and marital counseling. I'm at a cross roads. Is she really BPD or some psychopath and this is all a ruse? Or is she sincere? I'm leaning towards the latter but blinded by love.

Actually you escaped like the hero Steve McQueen in the Great Escape.  Now you want to return to the Crazy.  Whether your decision is correct or not I guess depends on whether your ex really is a BPD.  If she is then you are wilfully lining yourself up in front of the firing line.  Good luck.

You're not a coward. You're dealing with someone for whom manipulation comes as naturally as hunting does to a cheetah.

I hope you're in therapy and can run some of this by a professional. God bless.

Sending you a great big hug!

I have been married to my husband for 16.5 years and we have been together almost 18 years. I so badly want to leave but the thought of sorting out that many years of stuff and dealing with the financial stuff is kind of scary. And, I know that there are times when my husband will catch me at a weak point and I will think, "Oh my, maybe there is some hope after all." After so many years on that roller coaster, I am emotionally checked out of the relationship. I have no idea how I would handle an actual divorce. I don't feel like there is anything left of a real relationship. I feel like most of what my husband and I do is out of habit and fear more than anything else. He is afraid of taking care of himself and I am afraid of trying to support four kids on my own.

And, don't forget, you have 28 years of history to look at to help you determine if she is sincere or just bat crap crazy. I have spent a whole lot of years thinking, "Maybe this time will be different." Don't kid yourself. Unless she is in some serious therapy and is working on her stuff, things probably aren't going to change and you are going to end up right back on that roller coaster. Step away from the emotion and look at things logically.