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I'm so close to calling or texting her. But I know it wouldn't get me anywhere. But still want to ask What the heck. this is driving me nuts.

How long have you been NC?

NC since June

please dont do it brother. Walk away. I broke NC last week and it hurts... .it hurts bad. :'( :'( :'(

Would breaking 4 months of your dedicated work be rewarded by the reply/reaction you may or may not get from her?

Ask your friends to lock you up in a room until you sober up. Quit your job and go on a round the world trip. Have an orgy. Take heroin or do some lines. Do what you must   - you will be fine - but for the love of god don't break NC!

This hurts too man. How anyone can just throw someone away like this freaks me out.

I'm with you there. Mine did the same to me. It's disgusting and I will never forgive her. If she ever approaches me she'll receive only cold hostility in return. Till then I make no contact with her. She doesn't deserve the attention or the satisfaction of knowing that it exists. For what it's worth I hope the world feels like an even colder and more hostile place than it already did with me not wanting anything to do with her. This is where I have landed some 5 months later and I'm OK with it.

Where are you in your journey?

Where I'm at is trying to figure out how two and two make one so fast.

Do you think she could or would give you the answer? And I ask you again, would the answer she may or may not give be reward enough to justify wasting 4 months of your hard work?

It wasn't my hard work, it was her bogus restraining order. I think that's what gets me , she can just walk away, screw up my life and go on her merry way.

My first BPD ex 15 years ago had one of those on me. I looked in shock at my solicitor as it was handed to me by a wretched c##t of a female police officer who told me to sign it. I looked at him again as in why the hell should I justify her game by signing this. He nodded and said "go on, sign it. You don't want anything to do with her anyway, do you?". He was right and besides I had no choice anyway. I signed it and never looked back as it didn't actually matter.

That's my story. If there's anything of value in it for you then please take from it what you like.

Another question. If she has a restraining order on you, is it not very unwise to break it? Wouldn't that be like handing her a huge stick to beat you with?

My advice, and that's regardless of restraining orders or not, stay NC and treat the b#tch with the silent contempt she deserves. It's the only weapon you have. Use it!

It would be very unwise, that doesn't mean I don't think about trying to contact her. Heck we were not married that long, I never did anything abusive, just wanted her to go back to loving. Which never happened and I have this deep question as to what I could have done.

You did nothing wrong. You loved her and she has no understanding of what that means. She doesn't know the value of something so precious and her hampered capabilities doesn't enable her to give love in return. She's an emotional retard who hurts the ones who love her. That's not your fault.

Peiper

I remember all too well the pain you are feeling right now. How could someone who cared so much about me do this?  Who knows why but they do. You see it here every day. You also see time and time again the people getting further abused when trying to make contact. Something makes many pwBPD traits cold and heartless after the breakup. I don't know if it's shame, them feeling bad about the way they treated us, them expressing their anger and resentment towards us, that they just don't care or some other unknown reason. The bottom line is they don't want us in their lives at this time and nothing you do or say will change that. In fact, if you did rekindle the relationship (probably because she lost her current supply), it will almost certainly last for a shorter duration than the last cycle. It's a dead end, thankfully for us. You are looking for her to validate you.  It's just not going to happen. Nothing positive can come out of contact with her but a quick fix and compounded pain. It's so hurtful. No one should be treated this way but it happens because we allow it too. Man up and take control of yourself. You deserve better than what she has given you and it's up to you to to take your power back  

Waifed = 902 posts and talking a lot of sense. He's thrown you some pearls of wisdom there. Take heed Peiper!

I repeat myself but for Gods sake don't give her the chance to do you over by breaking a restraining order. I don't know what country you're in and what the procedures are for doing it there but where I'm from the police will pinch you for perverting the course of justice and that is no joke. Why would you let her do that to you?

Don't do it! Don't contact her. You're going to feel worse than you do now. Trust me, I know how you feel. How can they abandon us after all the love we gave them, after being the only one that was there for them?

They have a "sickness". You're never going to get the answers you want and deserve.

You have to let go. I know its hard. Trust me, we all understand what you're going through. But as someone that always went back to my BP in hopes they would go back to loving me the way they used to... .they just don't operate that way. They're not emotionally stable. The more you learn about the condition, the more you will understand and the easier it will be to move on. Every time I went back, it was only a matter of time when he would screw me over again. Again and again, I would be destroyed.

Don't do it to yourself.

Peiper, lean into your feelings and move through them.   Give yourself time, and be patient with yourself.   The desire to contact her will pass.  Just sit with it, and post here as you're doing.  If it helps, tell us what you want to express to her, to get it out of your system.  She's not worth violating the restraining order.  Please don't go there.  We're here, and we're listening. 

Thanks Bliss, If I did write her it would be along the lines of " My God I loved you, planned my whole life to be with you. How could you do this and just walk away ?

I think we go back to make sense of what happened also to try to get it right "if only".  But this is really a reflection of us trying to connect with ourselves.

At the end of the day we all hopefully come to the conclusion this is not something we can achieve through someone else. Because ultimately going back to the borderline is us abusing ourselves through them under false pretenses

I'm new to your posts.  So forgive me if I've missed something that you've already written about or processed. I imagine that you're angry in addition to being hurt by this.  Anger is part of processing what we experienced.  Sometimes it's helpful to make a list of experiences that hurt us.  When I made my list, I looked at what I'd written, and I felt angry. That helped me take steps toward detachment.  Have you made a list? 

Stay strong I have done just what you want to do so many times. It never goes like you think it will. They will say something mean or want to get back together and then it's the same old thing again but each time the time between getting back together and the crazy mind games gets shorter and shorter. I think they just like the idea if you missing them. I have heard too many times I'll change I will never yell at you again. Right ! I finally after 3 years and too many recycles I can say I have been 1 week NC there is a peace I haven't felt in so long . Every time I think I wonder what he is doing or feel like just one text won't hurt I go to the book walking on egg shells and read a bit. It helps a lot to remember what the truth is about the crazy unhealthily relationship I let go on too long .

The answer is your fault. Thats the answer you will get. Dont bother. Stay NC.