BPDFamily.com

I will try to make this as short as possible but I have a feeling it will be a long post.  I'm married 10 years to a wife who I believe is BPD.

When I first met her, my heart melted.  She had a great personality and a soft voice.  She was there anytime I needed to talk.  We were best friends for a year, started dating and she pushed for a marriage within' 10 months of dating.  She moved in 3 months before marriage and things changed... big time right after she moved in.

As time went on I found out about her very traumatic childhood/teen years.  Her dad was neglectful, emotionally and verbally abusive.  Her parents divorced when she was 14.  A year later she was repeatedly raped by someone who she considered a step-brother.  A couple of years later she became pregnant and lost the baby during birth (trisomy 18 baby), she knew 6 months in about how he wouldn't survive.  A couple of years later her step-father would make sexual advances on her.

She never dealt with any of this and I didn't know about all of this until after we were married (I knew a little but not to the extent of everything).

When she moved in, her personality changed she became extremely controlling.  To the point that I wasn't allowed upstairs if she was there while getting ready for work.  I was met with verbal abuse and yelling.

We went to MC, thinking that moving into a new place, new job and marriage plans were a lot to take on.  After about two months of MC, the counselor told her that she needed to talk to a psychologist after learning about her past.  My wife then quit.

We got married, two months after the marriage she was contacting her ex-bf.  Her dad was setting things up with her ex and they would meet at his house.  They all joined the same pool team and she would often be gone hours a night.  Her response was that it's none of my business and she's not doing anything wrong.  After talking with the counselor and learned what emotional cheating was I told her I wanted her out.  Expecting her to jump at the chance because she would often tell me how easy it would be to leave, she was like a deer in headlights instead.  She refused to leave and surprisingly cut all contact from her ex.

However the next few years were filled with verbal, emotional and some physical abuse by her.  Thought I was going crazy because I didn't know what was setting her off.  We became pregnant and my wife almost died, losing 80% of her blood during internal bleeding.  So I was taking care of both of them for a few months and things seemed good.  When my daughter turned 6 months my wife was showing the black/white signs of BPD.  Verbal abuse and rages at me (not our daughter).  This has continued until now (our daughter is 6 years old).

My wife cannot say no to our daughter, if I reprimand our daughter for something she did wrong my wife will verbally attack me.  She is financially irresponsible to the point of not even having money until her next paycheck even though I pay all the bills.  My wife has threatened my life twice and the past 5 years.  She hasn't been physically abusive in about 3 years but verbally all the time.  The last time she threatened physical abuse towards me I told her that I would call the police.  She then told me she would hurt herself and blame it on me.  Smiling she then said 'Who are they going to believe?'

Threats from her of leaving, divorcing come every day if there is a disagreement.  Our daughter is co-dependent on her, she's afraid to spend the night at my parents do to 'mom not coming back'.  My wife can be on her phone (facebook) for hours a night and will say verbally abusive things to our daughter if my daughter acts up for attention.  When this happens I speak up and try to re-enforce boundaries.

Last year we went to a psychologist together for a few sessions.  The psychologist wanted to see her by herself.  After 4 sessions my wife quit saying 'She's no good, she should've fixed me by now'.  When I called the psychologist she told me that my wife needs years of therapy that something is very seriously wrong with her.  We got into this therapy when I discovered her internet search history on suicide.  She has threatened to do it in the past.  When in her rages I believe she could hurt herself and me, however I don't believe she would hurt our daughter.

My wife works for a place that helps others get back on their feet (jobs, schooling, funding, etc... )  However she has a habit of either friending or giving her cell number to some of these men and I have had issues in the past with this.  Currently she is texting another guy in her building on a daily basis who is 20 years older than she.  I told her that I am going to keep looking at these messages and if anything inappropriate or if she deletes them, then I am done.  It's disturbing that this is even happening.  It's like she is wanting some sort of attention.  I have never seen anything sexual written by her to any of these men but the idea of her exchanging texts (not 1 or 2 a day, more like 10-20+) has me upset.

I talked to her two nights ago about it, in how it's just going to distance me and lose respect for her, however I noticed it is still going on.

She never says she's sorry about the things she says/does.  She can be vicious in revenge if she 'thinks' I did something wrong.  She 'assumes' i'm doing her wrong even though I have not and she is welcome to my phone anytime she wants.  Perhaps she assumes this to soothe her own guilt.

In my marriage to her I have never felt like I was a priority.  It wasn't until about two weeks ago that I came across BPD and she fits so many of the signs.  But my reading shows that my future with her will be a very hurtful one if I continue the marriage.  There are no happy endings in BPD marriages, is there?  It's just ways of coping until the next storm hits, right?

My daughter is suffering through this too, I'm there as much as possible for her but I can see the damage it's doing and I feel helpless.

Even last night out of the blue my wife tells me she's going to the ER because she feels something in her throat and doesn't want to stop breathing... I'm like what?  You just ate and you are acting fine.  My daughter worried the whole night while she was gone.  Asking her what the issue was she told me they couldn't find anything wrong with her.  It's just always some sort of drama and it's taken it's toll on me.

My wife is thousands in debt with CCs.  I bailed her out in the past but won't anymore.  She spends her paycheck and then calls me at work asking for money because she has no gas in her car, etc...  This has been going on for a couple of years.  In those situations i'm forced to transfer money to her account.

It's hard for me to leave because I know it was hurt our daughter so much, she's already cried to me begging me not to leave.  The psychologist told me that if I left, even though my wife threatens to leave every night, that good chance my wife would kill herself.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I just feel so alone in this marriage.  Like i'm the parent and she's the teenager and all she wants to do is rebel against me.  I made it ten years but I don't know how much longer I can do this...

Silveron,

You have come to the right place!  I am so sorry you have experienced all of this pain.  I too, have a husband with BPD (undiagnosed) and it has been the absolute hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.  I go up and down every day with trying to decide whether to stay or to go... .it is so hard!  This message board is SUCH a wonderful community of beautiful, supportive people who really try their best to help and encourage each other, even while going through their own pain with loved ones with BPD.

How can we best help you here?  What do you feel like your pressing needs are in this current situation?

There are different boards here... .For people who are seeking to STAY and work on things, for those who have made the decision to LEAVE, and for those, like us, who are still UNDECIDED and wrestling their way through to trying to make the best possible decision... .You will find very much like-mindedness here, and also on the other boards... .  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0

Please know we are here for you... .You will find many, many stories that sound almost identical to your own here... .  Keep reading, and please keep posting so we can do our best to offer whatever help we can to you... .

*welcome*

- thereishope!

I guess my need is... Will this ever get better?  Will I ever get a wife who is loving, supportive, shows empathy and can fully trust?  Or is this a sickness that will never go away?  Is there ever a 'come to Jesus' moment in their lives that will awaken them from this skewed reality they are perceiving?  If they hit 'rock bottom' do they get their life in order and get them out of this fog?

From what I read there isn't much hope and that's what worries me.  Even when the waters are calm it has made me anxious to know that another storm will be coming.  Emotionally I am on empty, I am just SO tired.  I have become numb to her verbal abuse.

Can they even feel love like we do?

I understand very well what you are describing.  It does feel helpless, and extremely exhausting!

There are many posts on this board which address each of these issues you mentioned. I too, have been researching and reading a ton, here and elsewhere, every day, trying to figure out what I feel and why.  I've thought things through until my head hurts and then some.  I find myself feeling anxious and like I am always "waiting for the other shoe to drop", even when uBPDh is being "nice".  If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that this relationship has become a huge idol in my life - an obsession.  I'm at the same brick wall you describe, that is telling me I obviously can't go on for much longer in this current state of BPD-itis.  So I have to change something.  That is what I'm striving to figure out.  I either change myself to fit in here, or change the situation if I just can't do that successfully.

I guess the biggest thing I've just begun to learn here, is that I have made myself completely overwhelmed looking at uBPDh and trying to "deal with HIS BPD" with everything in me, somehow expecting things to change, but in reality, I can only truly deal with and manage MYSELF.

I am now trying to switch my focus from being completely obsessed with uBPDh and trying to "avoid problems" and "not make him upset", to trying to take a step back, take a deep breath, simply detach from this obsession somewhat, and become more honest with my own feelings = to become more emotionally healthy myself.  I just about lost my whole self into the oblivion of this BPD relationship and have found that I am absolutely NO GOOD TO ANYONE LIKE THIS!  I have children who need an emotionally healthy mom, and a healthy atmosphere too.  

I would highly suggest reading the articles here (if you haven't done so already) about how to start doing things differently in order to not get "sucked into the FOG" as much.  There are ways to communicate in healthier ways with a BPD s/o.  Will this make a difference? Maybe not, but maybe we ourselves can get healthier in the process.  Maybe then we will see a little more clearly to make a proper decision... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=collapse;c=6;sa=expand#6

You're not alone.  There are many of us in this same place.  Hang in there!