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Title: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 01:52:10 PM Just wondering how they feel about us going NC? I never thought she will contact me after she left but it happened... .Ive been NC and let me tell you all, its the hardest thing I've ever done in life it takes so much energy from you.
How do they feel when we paint them black just as they did to us? It seems like they just keep moving doing their stuff and maybe just think like ''Oh well never mind he doesn't want to talk with me... .''? Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: Algae on October 08, 2014, 02:05:31 PM Just wondering how they feel about us going NC? I never thought she will contact me after she left but it happened... .Ive been NC and let me tell you all, its the hardest thing I've ever done in life it takes so much energy from you. How do they feel when we paint them black just as they did to us? It seems like they just keep moving doing their stuff and maybe just think like ''Oh well never mind he doesn't want to talk with me... .''? Just my opinion... I feel that at first they don't care. They don't really care until they realize that they could lose you. They see you as a person on the back burner that they can always go to when the ___ hits the fan. They don't want to be alone, and if you're still there for them, when they're off having their own good time, then thats good enough for them. But if you're n/c... then that Scares them. It makes them think they have nothing to fall back on after whatever they're doing fails... whether it be a new relationship, or anything. I assume at first they're happy without you. Theyre off living life with other ppl... other replacements, etc. It just takes time (seems to average 2-4 months from what I've seen) for them to see that you don't care. And when they see that, they freak out. BASICALLY... IF you want them back. GO N/C. If you DON'T want them back, then GO N/C and stay N/C. If you want revenge(make them jealous), GO N/C. Whatever you're trying to get done, N/C will get it done. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 02:31:03 PM Excerpt Just my opinion... I feel that at first they don't care. They don't really care until they realize that they could lose you. They see you as a person on the back burner that they can always go to when the please read | hits the fan. They don't want to be alone, and if you're still there for them, when they're off having their own good time, then thats good enough for them. But if you're n/c... then that Scares them. It makes them think they have nothing to fall back on after whatever they're doing fails... whether it be a new relationship, or anything. I assume at first they're happy without you. Theyre off living life with other ppl... other replacements, etc. It just takes time (seems to average 2-4 months from what I've seen) for them to see that you don't care. And when they see that, they freak out. BASICALLY... IF you want them back. GO N/C. If you DON'T want them back, then GO N/C and stay N/C. If you want revenge(make them jealous), GO N/C. Whatever you're trying to get done, N/C will get it done. Thanks, thats very well explained! In my case it was in the 2-3 months... .After she was having her life , replacements, and going out with random people... . Out of no where now she wants to see me after all the life she had or is having, god its so shocking. So basically if you go back to the black hole it will be just worse :'(. Makes me feel sick, depressed (If I am not feeling like s*&* depressed already). I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why? Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: fred6 on October 08, 2014, 02:43:01 PM . It just takes time (seems to average 2-4 months from what I've seen) for them to see that you don't care. And when they see that, they freak out. BASICALLY... IF you want them back. GO N/C. If you DON'T want them back, then GO N/C and stay N/C. If you want revenge(make them jealous), GO N/C. Whatever you're trying to get done, N/C will get it done. Hahaha, That's classic Algae. You got some good $hit (Who's number is this? still LMFAO). Anyhow, I would agree with all of the above. I think that if you actually DON'T want them back. Really piss them off for a couple weeks and then go NC and stay NC. But what do I know? I'm a BPD r/s virgin, lol... . Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: fred6 on October 08, 2014, 02:48:10 PM I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why? I don't know about anyone else. But for me, I just want the person that I accept and love to accept and love me back equally. I understand that this person is disordered and not capable of true adult love. However, knowing that doesn't make it any easier to digest and process. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: pieceofme on October 08, 2014, 03:01:32 PM How do they feel when we paint them black just as they did to us? It seems like they just keep moving doing their stuff and maybe just think like ''Oh well never mind he doesn't want to talk with me... .''? my ex repeatedly texts, "why are you ignoring me?" "i guess you're just gonna ignore me now" or some variation on that theme. in his case, it's perfectly acceptable and justifiable for him to ignore me, but he can't stand a dose of his own medicine. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 03:03:06 PM Excerpt I don't know about anyone else. But for me, I just want the person that I accept and love to accept and love me back equally. I understand that this person is disordered and not capable of true adult love. However, knowing that doesn't make it any easier to digest and process. Well but didn't she loved you first, or she never did? Cause in my case she seemed to love me A LOT, I was everything for her, she did everything with me, we were like pasted together. I even had to wait for her to go to sleep at night cause otherwise she told to please not leave her until she was asleep. Maybe it was a very intense idealization phase, but I mean intense! Funny it was how I was her everything, but in a matter of hours or days she invented a plan to go and meet her ''Friends''... .And by that I mean she wanted to go and sleep to a friends (Girl) house... .Supposedly her best friend... Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 03:07:35 PM Excerpt my ex repeatedly texts, "why are you ignoring me?" "i guess you're just gonna ignore me now" or some variation on that theme. in his case, it's perfectly acceptable and justifiable for him to ignore me, but he can't stand a dose of his own medicine. I got the same thing... .''Will you never talk to me again'' ''Everything ended badly, i want to see you and talk to you'' ''Everything I said was a lie. I just wanted to be alone'' (Cause apparently I treated her badly) heck yeah I agree I was so mad at times maybe I didn't act the best way but her passive aggressive medicine was horrendous!... Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: fromheeltoheal on October 08, 2014, 03:08:53 PM None of us has any idea how our exes feel once it ends, but we do know the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment, so 'going NC', as it's called around here, otherwise known as not talking to your ex anymore and removing them from your life, is the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, a nightmare come true.
So think about it: a borderline, someone who feels everything intensely and doesn't have the ability to self-soothe, or regulate, their emotions, will predictably start using the tools, the defense mechanisms: black/white thinking, projection, cognitive distortion, whatever it takes to feel better, and in the most extreme cases will injure themselves, to make the physical pain greater than the emotional pain, to just not feel the emotional pain for a while, and/or engage in risky, impulsive behavior, plus of course establish a new or multiple attachments to start the cycle over again. If anyone was thinking about getting revenge, disappearing without a trace is the way to hurt a borderline to their core, you can't hurt one worse than that in their world, and having the strength to disappear might just give you massive respect in your exes head, much more than you had in the relationship, probably followed by shame and self loathing. Not a pleasant existence at all, one we will probably develop compassion for as we detach. And bunny 'wondering' is ruminating, as we let our brain process and make sense of what we went through, a necessary part of making sense of our world in general. As we ruminate and process, we literally rewire our brain with new understandings, moving forward in our own evolution. It takes what it takes, and not that you asked for advice, but one way to get through it is to slowly, consciously shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as you create a new life without her in it, maybe better than it's ever been. Excerpt I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why? Great questions, and great potential for growth lurking in the answers. These relationships can feel like a killer drug, and we can have the feelings of addiction, the origins of which go way back for us, maybe a return to our earliest days when we may not have felt loved? Or felt we needed to do something, perform, because we weren't inherently lovable? :)igging there can be very fruitful, and we also get to be clear that healthy love doesn't feel like that. Hmmm, something to think about... . Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 03:29:36 PM Excerpt None of us has any idea how our exes feel once it ends, but we do know the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment, so 'going NC', as it's called around here, otherwise known as not talking to your ex anymore and removing them from your life, is the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, a nightmare come true. So think about it: a borderline, someone who feels everything intensely and doesn't have the ability to self-soothe, or regulate, their emotions, will predictably start using the tools, the defense mechanisms: black/white thinking, projection, cognitive distortion, whatever it takes to feel better, and in the most extreme cases will injure themselves, to make the physical pain greater than the emotional pain, to just not feel the emotional pain for a while, and/or engage in risky, impulsive behavior, plus of course establish a new or multiple attachments to start the cycle over again. If anyone was thinking about getting revenge, disappearing without a trace is the way to hurt a borderline to their core, you can't hurt one worse than that in their world, and having the strength to disappear might just give you massive respect in your exes head, much more than you had in the relationship, probably followed by shame and self loathing. Not a pleasant existence at all, one we will probably develop compassion for as we detach. And bunny 'wondering' is ruminating, as we let our brain process and make sense of what we went through, a necessary part of making sense of our world in general. As we ruminate and process, we literally rewire our brain with new understandings, moving forward in our own evolution. It takes what it takes, and not that you asked for advice, but one way to get through it is to slowly, consciously shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as you create a new life without her in it, maybe better than it's ever been. I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why? Great questions, and great potential for growth lurking in the answers. These relationships can feel like a killer drug, and we can have the feelings of addiction, the origins of which go way back for us, maybe a return to our earliest days when we may not have felt loved? Or felt we needed to do something, perform, because we weren't inherently lovable? Digging there can be very fruitful, and we also get to be clear that healthy love doesn't feel like that. Hmmm, something to think about... . Thanks for such great info, really appreciate that. It once again demonstrates that we have to keep NC and move on.SOMETHING which is so hard. In my case, something that makes it very hard to move one is that she never raged at me or yelled at me heck she never treated me bad! But she had things which were mortal, I think even worse than being raged at, yelled at... .I would have preferred to be with a crazy girl who yelled at me raged at me or even tried to hit me who knows. In that case I would've had a clear picture that she was totally crazy and that I had to GO! But she was just passive aggressive, she just wouldn't answer the phone or out of the blues just tell me she was going to a friends house... (By that I mean she would just disconnect and lived her life like if I didn't existed. And she didn't like me to call her when she was with her friends, so imagine what a nightmare it was... .Off course I was thinking the worse possible things in my head... . One of the last episodes when she was replacing me, she invented that she had to go to friends house to do some work of a business she was getting in to. WHAT A BIG LIE, and there I was like stu*&id being replaced... Triangulated if thats the correct word Jeeezz Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: tim_tom on October 08, 2014, 04:39:40 PM Well but didn't she loved you first, or she never did? Cause in my case she seemed to love me A LOT, I was everything for her, she did everything with me, we were like pasted together. I even had to wait for her to go to sleep at night cause otherwise she told to please not leave her until she was asleep. Maybe it was a very intense idealization phase, but I mean intense! Funny it was how I was her everything, but in a matter of hours or days she invented a plan to go and meet her ''Friends''... .And by that I mean she wanted to go and sleep to a friends (Girl) house... .Supposedly her best friend... Yes yes, me too. Up until the very end she couldn't sleep if I wasn't with her. The are needy people in that way, but are also able to swap the object of thier affection very very quickly in a way that doesn't even seem human Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 04:52:12 PM Excerpt Yes yes, me too. Up until the very end she couldn't sleep if I wasn't with her. The are needy people in that way, but are also able to swap the object of thier affection very very quickly in a way that doesn't even seem human Very needy yes! just messed up how they can do the same stuff they did with us with the new person so fast. Basically we are swapped, but come on deep inside they must feel ''being used'' by another guy there must be something or a inside of them saying ''What I am doing is not right'' Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: freedom33 on October 08, 2014, 05:08:15 PM I saw my cousin yesterday and interacted with her 3 year old daughter. When I was about to leave my cousin said to her daughter 'give uncle freedom33 a kiss'. She said no. After she said that , I said 'I don't want a kiss' - then she looked at me surprised and changed her response 'I will give you a kiss but later'. I said I don't want a kiss later I will tell you when I want one but I don't want one right now and then the little girl started kind of panicking and said 'no, no I will give you a kiss, I will give you a kiss'.
The whole incidence reminded me the dynamics with my 38 year old ex who is also trapped in that age. You go NC and they want you back, you gain massive respect in their eyes because they can't have you. So basically they are trapped in a no-win scenario they are directing and playing for themselves and unfortunately you are in the same movie co-staring. When they have you they don't want you, when they can't have you because of NC they desperately want you back. I have been NC for 2 months. I have tried not to trigger my ex during our rs by using SET etc. so she never engaged in extreme behaviours but as suddenly I decided I had enough and went NC she fell of the clouds - didn't see that coming at all - and her real desperation showed. Suffice to say that after I said to never contact me again she tried everything and I had to block her from every communication platform available to man. Now she is creating fake profiles to contact me. We could have had it all and it amounts to this... .Me performing a psychic amputation and cutting a part of me/her out of my life. Tragic. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: Deeno02 on October 08, 2014, 05:13:08 PM Excerpt Just my opinion... I feel that at first they don't care. They don't really care until they realize that they could lose you. They see you as a person on the back burner that they can always go to when the please read hits the fan. They don't want to be alone, and if you're still there for them, when they're off having their own good time, then thats good enough for them. But if you're n/c... then that Scares them. It makes them think they have nothing to fall back on after whatever they're doing fails... whether it be a new relationship, or anything. I assume at first they're happy without you. Theyre off living life with other ppl... other replacements, etc. It just takes time (seems to average 2-4 months from what I've seen) for them to see that you don't care. And when they see that, they freak out. BASICALLY... IF you want them back. GO N/C. If you DON'T want them back, then GO N/C and stay N/C. If you want revenge(make them jealous), GO N/C. Whatever you're trying to get done, N/C will get it done. Thanks, thats very well explained! In my case it was in the 2-3 months... .After she was having her life , replacements, and going out with random people... . Out of no where now she wants to see me after all the life she had or is having, god its so shocking. So basically if you go back to the black hole it will be just worse :'(. Makes me feel sick, depressed (If I am not feeling like s*&* depressed already). I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why? Mine moved on the next day. Dropped my stuff off on the porch. Hanging and banging with the new guy. Dumped about a month ago, NC times 13 days. I think shes done with me... . Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: fred6 on October 08, 2014, 05:17:52 PM Excerpt Yes yes, me too. Up until the very end she couldn't sleep if I wasn't with her. The are needy people in that way, but are also able to swap the object of thier affection very very quickly in a way that doesn't even seem human Very needy yes! just messed up how they can do the same stuff they did with us with the new person so fast. Basically we are swapped, but come on deep inside they must feel ''being used'' by another guy there must be something or a inside of them saying ''What I am doing is not right'' I don't know about that. I'm NC, but she cut me off from everything. I'm blacker than black right now. I don't think that they know right from wrong. Or maybe they do and just don't give a fcuk. I do know one thing though, this is some messed up stuff. Hell, mine still says that she puts God first. What kind of magical F'n world does she live in. I mean do these people see life like cartoons when they open their eyes in the morning? Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 05:31:24 PM Excerpt I don't know about that. I'm NC, but she cut me off from everything. I'm blacker than black right now. I don't think that they know right from wrong. Or maybe they do and just don't give a fcuk. I do know one thing though, this is some messed up stuff. Hell, mine still says that she puts God first. What kind of magical F'n world does she live in. I mean do these people see life like cartoons when they open their eyes in the morning? Man ... .I don't know, but from my experience with my past is that they just go with the flow of the day, whatever comes... .No respect for anything, from what I've seen they just DO stuff, always trying to be with someone, hang around and just put blankets on problems or situations and move on... .(They don't have the ability to think or act correctly) If I tell you how many times I broke up with her... It was like 50 in 1.5 years... I WAS THE ONE doing it cause of the 's... .Problem was I always took her back cause I never had the power to really drop her... .UNTIL 1 day she dropped me for good how messed up... .BLACK BLACK BLACK Until recently I've been painted kinda white I guess, just keeping NC... .I just want to folie to another place jeeez... But I also have the feeling for her ... .Why do I have to go through all this NON SENSE living GOD HELP ME Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: Waifed on October 08, 2014, 05:42:09 PM Try to think back to the beginning of your relationship with your BPD. How did they act? Mine left her bf for me. She was very upset about leaving him and tried to talk me out of our relationship (delaying it) until she could walk away from him. Red flag today but at the time I respected what she was doing. She probably didn't leave him like she told me and it probably dragged on for a while. She talked about him and others during our entire relationship. She did not talk bad about her exes. So does she think about me? Certainly. It use to drive me crazy wondering. It doesn't matter though now that I am in a better place.
Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 05:51:06 PM Yes Waifed, indeed she was with someone when she met me or recently drop him for me... (But that guy was just a random replacement for a short time. She always talked bad about her Ex's (I mean the ones who she spent more time) how they treated her bad and cheat on her... .But I have no idea about that...
I am 3 months out NC a little less and it doesn't get any better she is still 24-7 in my head... .Do people really get better or they just lie to their brain that they are actually getting better, but deep inside it is not getting better ? Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: hurting300 on October 08, 2014, 06:09:31 PM None of us has any idea how our exes feel once it ends, but we do know the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment, so 'going NC', as it's called around here, otherwise known as not talking to your ex anymore and removing them from your life, is the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, a nightmare come true. So think about it: a borderline, someone who feels everything intensely and doesn't have the ability to self-soothe, or regulate, their emotions, will predictably start using the tools, the defense mechanisms: black/white thinking, projection, cognitive distortion, whatever it takes to feel better, and in the most extreme cases will injure themselves, to make the physical pain greater than the emotional pain, to just not feel the emotional pain for a while, and/or engage in risky, impulsive behavior, plus of course establish a new or multiple attachments to start the cycle over again. If anyone was thinking about getting revenge, disappearing without a trace is the way to hurt a borderline to their core, you can't hurt one worse than that in their world, and having the strength to disappear might just give you massive respect in your exes head, much more than you had in the relationship, probably followed by shame and self loathing. Not a pleasant existence at all, one we will probably develop compassion for as we detach. And bunny 'wondering' is ruminating, as we let our brain process and make sense of what we went through, a necessary part of making sense of our world in general. As we ruminate and process, we literally rewire our brain with new understandings, moving forward in our own evolution. It takes what it takes, and not that you asked for advice, but one way to get through it is to slowly, consciously shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as you create a new life without her in it, maybe better than it's ever been. I know there are a lot of women out there but why cant I... .we just move on.Why do we want the killer drug, if its only gonna make us feel worse. Why why why? Great questions, and great potential for growth lurking in the answers. These relationships can feel like a killer drug, and we can have the feelings of addiction, the origins of which go way back for us, maybe a return to our earliest days when we may not have felt loved? Or felt we needed to do something, perform, because we weren't inherently lovable? :)igging there can be very fruitful, and we also get to be clear that healthy love doesn't feel like that. Hmmm, something to think about... . why would it hurt them for us to disappear? They do it to us and it don't them... Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: fromheeltoheal on October 08, 2014, 06:25:41 PM Excerpt Hell, mine still says that she puts God first. What kind of magical F'n world does she live in. My ex was very religious for years too, which I give her credit for, she was in pain, looking for answers, and turning to religion, one of a few positive places she turned, which was a whole lot better than camping on a bar stool somewhere and self-medicating IMO. She heard a lot of stuff at church that she would then parrot, and was trying as hard as she could to assimilate it as her own, which did help, she lived a fairly conventional life and took care of her kids, although there was still a lot of raging, random trysts, and the things borderlines get up to. She was looking for answers, she just didn't find the right ones, which as we know would have come out of long term specialized therapy; maybe she's done that today, there's a sweetheart in there under all the crap, and I hope she finds some long term happy and content somewhere. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: fromheeltoheal on October 08, 2014, 06:34:34 PM Excerpt why would it hurt them for us to disappear? They do it to us and it don't them... Because the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment. A borderline is looking for an attachment to 'complete' themselves, so they become a whole person, since they do not have a 'self' of their own, along with arrested development. Mirroring someone serves to form an attachment, yes, but also when a borderline mirrors they are taking the good they see in us and assimilating it as their own, and in a sense counteracting the bad they see in themselves with the good they see in us. So leaving a borderline is like ripping out half of their self, the good half, and it replays that abandonment depression they never successfully went through as young children, that earliest attachment with their primary caregiver that they never successfully detached from on the way to developing a self of their own. So when we leave, it has the same psychic impact as their mother leaving and not coming back when they were young. All of that is subconscious though, they just know it doesn't feel good at all, and all of the defense mechanisms and acting-out behaviors stem from that. Hope that helps a little. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: drummerboy on October 08, 2014, 06:46:14 PM This is a really interesting thread. Of course its impossible to know what is going on inside another persons head but for me the whole silent treatment thing smacks of really immature behaviour. When my ex ended it she said she needed space before we could be "just friends" there was no contact for a few weeks and then I wrote her an email, a very loving email that ended with a simple question "do you want to be friends or not? If you say no I will respect that and never bother you again" After about 6 weeks of not getting any reply I emailed saying, ":)on't ever contact me, I don't want you in my life in any way, I don't think you are a very nice person" Another few months went by and after Robin Williams died I sent another email simply asking how she was doing... .no reply and then a final email saying "it's obvious you don't want any contact, just wanted to say goodbye properly, thanks for the great times, wishing you all the best for the future" Of course, no reply. She confided to a mutual friend that she had a horrible 6 months getting over me. The thing I don't get is that all through the r/s she kept getting me to promise that if we ever split up she wanted to remain best friends (we shared many common interests), she said this again and again. But now, nothing. Maybe my "don't contact me again" email was the straw that broke the camels back but it is still mystifying how she could go from total idolisation of me one minute to painting me 100% black the next. Well adjusted people could not do that, they would at least mail and say "Please leave me alone" But she has never said anything like that, just total silence. The illness wins!
Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: hurting300 on October 08, 2014, 06:47:05 PM why would it hurt them for us to disappear? They do it to us and it don't them... Because the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment. A borderline is looking for an attachment to 'complete' themselves, so they become a whole person, since they do not have a 'self' of their own, along with arrested development. Mirroring someone serves to form an attachment, yes, but also when a borderline mirrors they are taking the good they see in us and assimilating it as their own, and in a sense counteracting the bad they see in themselves with the good they see in us. So leaving a borderline is like ripping out half of their self, the good half, and it replays that abandonment depression they never successfully went through as young children, that earliest attachment with their primary caregiver that they never successfully detached from on the way to developing a self of their own. So when we leave, it has the same psychic impact as their mother leaving and not coming back when they were young. All of that is subconscious though, they just know it doesn't feel good at all, and all of the defense mechanisms and acting-out behaviors stem from that. Hope that helps a little. so them leaving us doesn't trigger it? Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: Deeno02 on October 08, 2014, 06:56:48 PM why would it hurt them for us to disappear? They do it to us and it don't them... Because the core of the disorder is fear of abandonment. A borderline is looking for an attachment to 'complete' themselves, so they become a whole person, since they do not have a 'self' of their own, along with arrested development. Mirroring someone serves to form an attachment, yes, but also when a borderline mirrors they are taking the good they see in us and assimilating it as their own, and in a sense counteracting the bad they see in themselves with the good they see in us. So leaving a borderline is like ripping out half of their self, the good half, and it replays that abandonment depression they never successfully went through as young children, that earliest attachment with their primary caregiver that they never successfully detached from on the way to developing a self of their own. So when we leave, it has the same psychic impact as their mother leaving and not coming back when they were young. All of that is subconscious though, they just know it doesn't feel good at all, and all of the defense mechanisms and acting-out behaviors stem from that. Hope that helps a little. so them leaving us doesn't trigger it? Thats why they usually strike first... Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 07:05:07 PM Excerpt Thats why they usually strike first... Mine never left me, I was the one who always ended the RS 's... .But who knows if she was cheating on me... .you know ''WAIF'' Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: fromheeltoheal on October 08, 2014, 07:30:52 PM Excerpt so them leaving us doesn't trigger it? Going back to abandonment, which is the focus for a borderline, we can give the impression that we've already left, or are about to, by doing something as simple as settling into the relationship and becoming a little comfortable, which someone with the disorder can interpret as us checking out, because it contrasts the intensity that marked the beginning of the relationship. Whether or not that interpretation has any basis is reality is irrelevant; a borderline's feeling are their reality, regardless of how skewed it may be. So as a preemptive move they may leave first, so as to not be left, and find a new attachment, or turn to one or a few that are already in place. Think about it: if your whole world revolves around fear of abandonment, you'll create as many attachments as you need to, to feel safe if one fails. Also, remember borderlines feel everything intensely, there is no volume knob on their emotions, and the relationships they enter are unsustainable due to the way the disorder works, so at some point we become triggering instead of soothing, like we were in the beginning, which has little or nothing to do with our behavior and us in general, unless we've done something blatant like cheated on our ex or abandoned them already and we're in a recycle. Anyway, in order to feel better, borderlines are all about need, it may feel better to leave the relationship, plus someone who's development was arrested young isn't capable of really connecting with how we feel, it's all about them, always. Plus, there's a lot of shame in there usually, so instead of let you see the shame and come clean, something that would feel like the walls collapsing on a borderline's world, they bail. So a borderline leaves because they're triggered, not the other way around. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: Waifed on October 08, 2014, 07:50:09 PM Yes Waifed, indeed she was with someone when she met me or recently drop him for me... (But that guy was just a random replacement for a short time. She always talked bad about her Ex's (I mean the ones who she spent more time) how they treated her bad and cheat on her... .But I have no idea about that... I am 3 months out NC a little less and it doesn't get any better she is still 24-7 in my head... .Do people really get better or they just lie to their brain that they are actually getting better, but deep inside it is not getting better ? Yes Bunny you will get better. If you are like many people here you are probably depressed to some extent. It sounds cliche on here but this really is a great time to work on yourself. Self esteem is usually zapped after one of these relationships. Work on your self esteem and truly learn to like who you are as a person. Doing these things coupled with the passage of time will take you to a better place. Time along will heal, but if you don't work on yourself the scab will peel right back off. I never thought I would be where I am today. I am so close to total indifference. Not quite there but most of the time the thought of even speaking to her doesn't appeal to me. I won't be truly indifferent until the thought of her is neither good or bad 24/7. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 07:58:26 PM Excerpt Yes Bunny you will get better. If you are like many people here you are probably depressed to some extent. It sounds cliche on here but this really is a great time to work on yourself. Self esteem is usually zapped after one of these relationships. Work on your self esteem and truly learn to like who you are as a person. Doing these things coupled with the passage of time will take you to a better place. Time along will heal, but if you don't work on yourself the scab will peel right back off. I never thought I would be where I am today. I am so close to total indifference. Not quite there but most of the time the thought of even speaking to her doesn't appeal to me. I won't be truly indifferent until the thought of her is neither good or bad 24/7. Thanks, I am trying to do that its just terrifying and hard to do. I don't know if its because she has contacted me or not... .But I am starting to think if she even is BPD and if I am the crazy one. But her actions really puts her in the BPD scale... .Fear of abandonment, always looking to be around people, lies, etc Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: Waifed on October 08, 2014, 08:25:57 PM Excerpt Yes Bunny you will get better. If you are like many people here you are probably depressed to some extent. It sounds cliche on here but this really is a great time to work on yourself. Self esteem is usually zapped after one of these relationships. Work on your self esteem and truly learn to like who you are as a person. Doing these things coupled with the passage of time will take you to a better place. Time along will heal, but if you don't work on yourself the scab will peel right back off. I never thought I would be where I am today. I am so close to total indifference. Not quite there but most of the time the thought of even speaking to her doesn't appeal to me. I won't be truly indifferent until the thought of her is neither good or bad 24/7. Thanks, I am trying to do that its just terrifying and hard to do. I don't know if its because she has contacted me or not... .But I am starting to think if she even is BPD and if I am the crazy one. But her actions really puts her in the BPD scale... .Fear of abandonment, always looking to be around people, lies, etc I too went through the stage of feeling like I was the one that was borderline. In fact I was carrying heavy BPD traits at the end of the relationship. I have wondered if the way I felt them was how she felt most of the time. So much of her was projected on to me at this point. These feelings will subside as you come out of the FOG and the depression lifts. It really started getting better at 5-6 months and it took me about 8 months for it all to go away. Im sure this varies for everyone, but it is refreshing when it happens. You will find it hard to duplicate the feelings you had previously. In fact, my biggest regret was not keeping a consistent journal of my thoughts and feelings throughout my recovery. Journaling really does wonders. I felt so much better after I expressed my thoughts on paper. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: bunnysc on October 08, 2014, 10:40:12 PM Excerpt I too went through the stage of feeling like I was the one that was borderline. In fact I was carrying heavy BPD traits at the end of the relationship. I have wondered if the way I felt them was how she felt most of the time. So much of her was projected on to me at this point. These feelings will subside as you come out of the FOG and the depression lifts. It really started getting better at 5-6 months and it took me about 8 months for it all to go away. Im sure this varies for everyone, but it is refreshing when it happens. You will find it hard to duplicate the feelings you had previously. In fact, my biggest regret was not keeping a consistent journal of my thoughts and feelings throughout my recovery. Journaling really does wonders. I felt so much better after I expressed my thoughts on paper. Thanks so much for your words Waifed! |iiii Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: pieceofme on October 11, 2014, 09:53:29 AM I am 3 months out NC a little less and it doesn't get any better she is still 24-7 in my head... .Do people really get better or they just lie to their brain that they are actually getting better, but deep inside it is not getting better ? i wonder this, too... . Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: fromheeltoheal on October 11, 2014, 10:39:46 AM I am 3 months out NC a little less and it doesn't get any better she is still 24-7 in my head... .Do people really get better or they just lie to their brain that they are actually getting better, but deep inside it is not getting better ? i wonder this, too... . It's said people hang around in our heads until the lessons they were there to teach have been learned. Ruminating, replaying the past and the relationship over and over, mulling things over, reframing, reinterpreting things as the fog clears, are all tools our brain uses to make sense of the nonsensical; we all do this all the time, on the way to becoming old a wise. 'Lying' to ourselves can also be considered 'fake it til you make it', which results in us actually making it if we do it long enough. Also, the more traumatic the experience the harder the brain needs to work to make sense of it all, which can be the good news; in my case getting over my ex unearthed issues I thought were dealt with but had been back-burnered, which I also kind of knew, or had a sense of, but the motivation inspired by the pain allowed me to face those issues head on, not pretty, but the only way out is through, and I feel like I've grown a lot fast, after many years of trying. Anyway, does believing that you're lying to yourself and there are deep-buried issues that are not getting resolved serve you or not, does it help or hurt you? I was still stuck in the funk at 3 months as well, the rumination and focus on her started waning at 6 months, I was very depressed and physically sick for a few months after that, and things started looking up after a year. Could I have sped it up with professional help? Maybe, but I made it through regardless, which is what matters. So what about having faith in yourself and your brain's ability to self heal, and if that doesn't work, go get some help, with the belief that nothing is buried so far it isn't available to you, and anything that comes up is there to serve you in your own growth? Take care of you! Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: freedom33 on October 11, 2014, 07:21:22 PM Two months no contact. I blocked her from everything after she tried Fb,skype,whatsapp,viber - she even created a fake profile last week. Tonight she has been calling me from an unknown number near midnight. Four times in a row. She is heavily dysregulating usually in the weekends. I didn't pick up but I do feel sorry for her albeit in a detached way. I made progress in these forums. She still crosses my mind many times throughout the day. I love her and but this is not good for either of us. She needs really good help dbt - only that can help. Not me. Psychic amputation is the term I coined for what I have done to myself going nc. It's the only way forward guys. Good luck to all.
Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: myself on October 11, 2014, 07:54:04 PM It must be a relief, because she doesn't have to face it, but I bet she also really hates it. She still tries contacting me, to get in more final words and continue scapegoating me. Deep down she feels ashamed, knowing that for me to stay away means she fatally damaged what we had together.
She lost someone who really cared for her. She hurt her friend. NC means her patterns haven't changed, but mine have. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: hurting300 on October 11, 2014, 07:59:25 PM I miss my baby so badly. I want to find my ex.
Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: Springle on October 11, 2014, 08:03:31 PM I feel pretty bad about it to be honest, but remember my ex is a non and we left off on relatively bad terms. Not because we resented each other but his newBPDgf had orchestrated a whole series of events to make me look crazy, warp his mind and generally manipulate it so I was completely gone; out of the picture. No regard at all for he newbf's desire to stay friends or a least on good terms for me, utter selfishness and paranoia from her I say.
Now N/C from her? That is heaven. Believe me if I could shoot her into space so she would 100% definitely never bother me or anyone else on the planet again I would. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: Mermaid lover on October 11, 2014, 08:04:17 PM If anyone was thinking about getting revenge, disappearing without a trace is the way to hurt a borderline to their core, you can't hurt one worse than that in their world, and having the strength to disappear might just give you massive respect in your exes head, much more than you had in the relationship, probably followed by shame and self loathing. Not a pleasant existence at all, one we will probably develop compassion for as we detach. And bunny 'wondering' is ruminating, as we let our brain process and make sense of what we went through, a necessary part of making sense of our world in general. As we ruminate and process, we literally rewire our brain with new understandings, moving forward in our own evolution. It takes what it takes, and not that you asked for advice, but one way to get through it is to slowly, consciously shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as you create a new life without her in it, maybe better than it's ever been. All of this was perfect Heel/Heal. You're so on point with all of this. Being NC was incredibly difficult and its someintg that I still battle. But with the support of this site and ppl like you, as well as, my family, friends and my therapist (yes, had to do it)... Ive forced myself to become stronger at all costs. I would've failed numerous times and still be in a jet abyss drowning in my own tears if it hadn't been for my support team. The crazy thing is that very little by little... .I'm finding my new independence to be quite exciting. I used to live and breathe for my bpex. Whenever they called, I would quickly cut my time whether it be with friends, family, a dance class... .or just spending time alone... .just to join by BPDbf. I Made my Life about making him happy... and fulfilling HIS NEED. I always put him ahead of me and what I wanted- even though I knew this wqas wrong and unhealthy. So I was to blame as well, for enabling him. So even though its hard, insanely hard at times... .things do get better. As I'm learning more about this disorder... .I do have more compassion for my ex. Even though I truly love him to pieces, but I know no matter how much love I give him... or how devoted I am... .it will never be enough. He left me by the way... . However, since I have been NC for weeks now, Blocked from texts, calls, WhatsApp... .he did finally send me an email for how much he yearns for me and still being in love with me, etch etc. I must admit, it hurt - A LOT. But I didn't reply... .I know we could never go back to what we were so that makes me moving forward "easier". Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: FoolishMan on October 11, 2014, 08:17:23 PM I am 3 months out NC a little less and it doesn't get any better she is still 24-7 in my head... .Do people really get better or they just lie to their brain that they are actually getting better, but deep inside it is not getting better ? i wonder this, too... . The first thing that went, around month four or five, was the pain. I do still find myself thinking of her but can stop it more easily. I also can think of the worst parts in depth without pain. I can remember a person suffering incredible pain in my memories but I don't feel it. I pass her on the road and I don't get that shiver that instant flush of anger or fear or whatever the hell it is. It's just gone. She has demonstrated the fact she is dangerous to me in so many ways i just see her like a disease, a predator, or a wasps nest. I'm keeping away. So I'd say I think of her at least twice every day if I don't see her, maybe some days when I'm very busy and happy I don't at all. I had an argument with my wife earlier and it made me think of her, but only to highlight how much worse BPD arguments had been. So believe me it does get better but at three months I was still a bit of a zombie but I just kept inching forward, working, getting fitter and stronger physically, eating as much good food as I could, seeing as many pals as I could. I do remember thinking this will never end. It does. I could have her back, for at least one night lol but no, I had to be nasty to her and the replacement for her to want me back and again it highlights how silly, disgusting and rank rotten she is. I know with certainty I've dodged a bullet. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: Deeno02 on October 11, 2014, 08:21:07 PM Don't think mine will give me the time of day. I care but I dont.
Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: fromheeltoheal on October 11, 2014, 08:21:19 PM Excerpt He left me by the way... . However, since I have been NC for weeks now, Blocked from texts, calls, WhatsApp... .he did finally send me an email for how much he yearns for me and still being in love with me, etch etc. I must admit, it hurt - A LOT. But I didn't reply... .I know we could never go back to what we were so that makes me moving forward "easier". That is telling and provides insight into the disorder. He left you for his own reasons, probably he was either feeling engulfed or feeling you were about to abandon him, for his own reasons that may or may not have had anything to do with you, and then he contacts you testing to see if an attachment is still in place, that can be used to make him feel better, to soothe his emotions, which it sounds like you did plenty of in the past. BPD is about need fulfillment, not love. And we make it about love, which is why it hurts so much. The only way out of the pain is to get off the rollercoaster, which you know. Take care of you! Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: FoolishMan on October 11, 2014, 08:24:51 PM Something else that was really weird and unlike any BU I've had was when I worked out, say sprinting, when I got really tired, fatigued then I'd start thinking of her and the pain would be bad. I worked out every day except Sundays for 8 months now and the pain when I was fatigued, I'm talking 5 times or so per day, was terrible. I'd think of her and him, I'd maybe be on the deck puffing and panting after sit ups and my brain would imagine them laughing and frolicking like immortal elves! It made me feel really really low but I kept going and eventually used it to help me get closure and detach further. But it was hard I'm so very glad it's over I've only really been able to post recently due to detachment.
I don't think I my posts in the first four months would have helped anyone detach at all. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: Mermaid lover on October 11, 2014, 08:38:41 PM He left me by the way... . and then he contacts you testing to see if an attachment is still in place, that can be used to make him feel better, to soothe his emotions, which it sounds like you did plenty of in the past. BPD is about need fulfillment, not love. And we make it about love, which is why it hurts so much. The only way out of the pain is to get off the rollercoaster, which you know. Take care of you! Thank you Heal... .yes I've been taking care of me more these days. I can't lie. I'm still hooked on him. And think of him daily. I still cry at night some times... but not every night anymore. Little by little its getting better. Ive also realized so so much now that I'm out of the relationship... and "ruminate" over it. I also started to see where I went wrong. And that's been incredibly helpful to understanding myself more... understanding why I did the things to th extent I did? Why I became obsessed- as he initially did? Why I needed this constant feeling of feeling "loved". I became addicted to the feeling. We became addicted to each other. I understand why he did now with all the knowledge I'm getting. But what about understanding why I had the need to be this kind of "care taker"? Thats the bigger question. With therapy, I've learned A LOT. Things I never woudlve acknowledged before... things I had buried when I was a child... . Wow just a lot. So much came from this experience and I'm looking forward to overcoming this and growing into a better person. Owning my life again and taking responsibility for myself before anyone else is paramount right now... .and probably will always be a priority. heart-smile Thank you again Heal Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: enlighten me on October 11, 2014, 08:43:42 PM My exwife hates it.
I get the occasional email from her about our sons. Arranging dates that I have them and school/ medical info. I never contact her though. Even though we split up in 2010 she still occasionally mentions that I have her blocked on facebook. Her mum has also said that she hates the silent treatment from me. I told her mum it wasn't silent treatment I just wasn't interested in talking to her. Title: Re: How do they feel about NC? Post by: fromheeltoheal on October 11, 2014, 09:03:08 PM Excerpt But what about understanding why I had the need to be this kind of "care taker"? Thats the bigger question. Yep, and good for you for asking it. You may decide that that becomes the gift of the relationship, the forced uncovering of long-buried stuff, or stuff we knew was unresolved but we get a new sense of urgency in resolving it. And you may even end up grateful for the relationship as you work through all of that and come out the other side better, more evolved, happier, more content. Enjoy the journey! |