BPDFamily.com

So my uBPDbf is so incredibly self aware. He got all dysregulated today when I served him dinner because the food was too hot. He then screamed at me the following: "I expect my food to be cold. Would you serve this to a baby? This guy *points to himself* is a huge fu**ing baby! From now on test it on your wrist before you serve it to me. I either want cold food or to see severe burns on your wrists. I'm sorry you don't understand that my brain is broken but I'm always yelling at you about this. Now you're shutting down. Why won't you say anything? !" I barely opened my mouth to speak and he continued to let me know that I was shutting down and that I don't care about him. How do I respond to something like this when a.) He won't let me speak (huge anger trigger for myself. I grew up not being able to have a voice, he knows this) and b.) He dysregulates himself before I can even try SET or anything else. I even tried fixing the situation by dishing him up cooler food but he went off and hid in his cave. I came to my jogging spot to get out of the negativity plus I'm going to try to do a 5k(first one ever)in December, which he is nowhere near supporting me in. The whole time he was ranting I didn't say anything so I didn't make the issue worse by JADEing or anything but he seriously dysregulates himself before I can even step in to calm him down or validate. I listen to him but can't say anything. Then I get told I don't care. It's over before I realize it began and he's off hiding leaving me confused and defeated. The thing is, he knows his brain is "broken", he knows he overreacts to insignificant things, he knows he is a giant baby, so why does he allow himself to suffer? Why doesn't he seek help in one form or another? I was going to try to get him out of the house and take him to the pumpkin patch today but this happened before I could even mention it. I'm trying so hard here but it's never enough. Frustrating?  Hell yeah but I won't give up. Any suggestions would be swell.

*nods* Mine does this sometimes. He has already made his mind about what I think, and speaks for me.

I'm going to say something, here. Even if you are quiet, the fact is pushes your buttons means it's probably on your face. If it is, they sniff that stuff out like bloodhounds, and they will jump on it. He will take that annoyance and apply it to his feelings, rather than what it's actually about. The trick here is to talk to yourself before it happens. "Ok, I know where this is coming from, and I'm not going to let it control my emotions by being annoyed or angry, which is what he wants." -that's what I tell myself if it helps.

They won't get help, or it's difficult to, because admitting to someone else they have a problem to them means they are useless. They are damaged and diseased. That cannot happen. It's good he can say it to you (some can't do that), but that doesn't apply across the board.

My husband has all of these quirks too. Things gotta be a certain way. Two options, he can feed himself, or you just acknowledge his plight. Look him in the eye, nod, keep the irritation from your face (that's hard).

He's a big baby though. Babies can't feed themselves.   I just got done with a 4 day silent treatment.  I cooked every single day like nothing was wrong. He made himself oatmeal and sandwiches resulting in throwing 50% of the food away which causes more fights since I "spend too much money on food" (he will eat only organic and we are vegetarian) We had, what totals between yesterday and today,  3/4 of a good day now back to silence. No winning, ever.

I will do my best to control my face but as you said, pretty hard to do

It takes practice. I'm still learning this myself. They can be big babies. But try to remember too, he really doesn't mean to react this way, he just does and always will. I don't mind feeding mine either but just like a child if he doesn't like it, he can get something else or he can sit and pout. No skin off my nose either way ^.^

Don't do the silent treatment. I am notorious for that and have learned that it only hurts you because you are harboring those feelings and your BPDbf has moved well past it as if it never happened that way.  Be happy. When he starts going off like that, simply say I will not be treated this way, I am leaving until you have yourself under control. Then drop everything and walk out the door.

They fear abandonment most and if they feel like they are no longer in control it wakes them up a little. I have told my BPDh that when he verbally abuses me, I am leaving and I am not coming back until you can calm down, call me and tell me you are calm and sorry for whatever happened. I don't make him accept the fault, just acknowledge what happened.

Now this may be a little advanced right now, but start with standing up for your self, state just the facts and walk out. I know it is scary, but you have to let go of the fear that they may leave you if you do something wrong, once you have done that... .you can start standing up for yourself and as you change, they are forced to change as well.