BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone. I posted some of the updates of what I was going through in previous threads and here is the latest.

     Today, marks day 2 of NC. Our last communication was when I had 2 days of NC, but I accidentally forgot to block her number. She sent me a text saying that I no longer have to worry about her anymore because she is moving out of state to move in with her old best friend from high school. She said she was doing this because I "wont leave her alone". I thought this was a weird thing to say having gone 2 days NC but she felt the need to say that. Honestly, I think she said that to hurt me. Like a weak fool, I begged for her not to do that. She said there was nothing I could do to stop her and that I was "toxic".

     I then hit a moment of clarity realizing that I cant rationalize with her. It simply will not work despite my best intentions. I told her that I will always love her and that if that would make her happy, that she has my blessing. I also left a voice mail stating that she does not need to contact me anymore and rub things in my face. I told her that I was having a hard time with everything and doing that was unproductive. She didnt respond again. I then wrote her 2 last letters. The first letter was an emotional one stating that I will always remember her for the good, that I will always love her and want the best for her. The second letter went into great detail about her BPD and her behaviors.

     In all honesty, I dont expect her to understand or process any of it. It felt like a good release for me. I no longer have the desire to contact anymore and am finally starting to feel somewhat comfortable moving on. I know that she didnt truly love me but unfortunately, my feelings for her were real and some part of me wants to believe that she felt everything we have been through. I just cant do it anymore. She has slept with way too many guys during our break up so fast and I realize that all I ever was to her was some back up supply. I was the most reliable.

     I still struggle with ruminating about the past and I believe I will for quite some time. I am confident that therapy, the support of family and friends and ultimately time will begin to heal these deep wounds of being deceived and betrayed.

Keep up the NC - this is the way for you my friend.  Forget the letters, the texts and the voice mails.  Stand out from all the others who would beg her to come back.  Concentrate on yourself.  Work out why you attached to someone with an attachment disorder.  Life will get better - much better.

Doesn't seem so at start, but NC makes the trauma-bond slowly go away, NC till exBPD is out of your head and out of your hearth, and you will slowly heal. And then one day start getting that "spark" to live again, and be happy for small things, and understand that you are now getting better and better and in the end you are out of their endless emotional roller coaster with up and downs through their whole life. Good luck  |iiii