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Having such a bad day mentally, I understand this is an attachment disorder and that its a mental illness, but i cant stop comparing it with normal relationship break ups.  My ex feared abandonment, then made out that she was broody and craved a baby with me, not just any baby though, but OUR baby, she wanted it with me and nobody else, she then says if shes pregnant shes keeping it no matter how i feel about it.  I say in anger i dont want a baby with you, she paints me black, makes up that she had an abortion, then told me i was the reason we broke up because I killed our baby (all in her head) three week later shes with my replacement and FB official.  My point im making here is, IF i did give her the baby she craved would she have still ran, or would it have lasted longer? i hate having to re assess all these mixed emotions :/   

If you had a child with this woman you wouldn't really be able to follow through with NC. Mine had a daughter with a married guy 6 years ago and it got ugly. They are NC, but only because his wife was also pregnant at the time and gave him an ultimatum that she would take everything from him. A little over a year ago my uxBPDgf got her tubes tied. I hate to think that she could have gotten pregnant with me. Now that I think about it, she may have decided to get her tubes tied so that she could find new supply and not worry about a baby. That's around the time that our sex life crashed and burned. Maybe I'm analyzing this $hit too much, IDK... .

Hi jammo1989,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard day. Knowing that she is mentally ill is a part of closure. I agree this isn't a normal break -up. Understanding what you experienced in your journey and depersonalizing the behaviors is another part of the equation.

It really takes time to accept that you were in a r/s with a mentally ill individual. It takes time for the heart to catch up with your head. This is normal. Hang in there.

--Mutt

Every morning, for the rest of your life, you should wake up and thank the heavens that you did not have a baby with her.

A lot of us are in the same boat... Mine was on my case for a ring, daily, for months... .My intuition was screaming No f'ing way the whole time. Once she bolted, I had the same question as you. "If I'd have just proposed, we'd still be together"

BUT... I think you have to realize that you didn't want to do it (for you baby, for me proposal) for a REASON. You just forget those reasons cause you are romanticizing what you lost. I do it too sometimes, but then I try and think about WHY i didn't propose. I really have no doubt that if she came back today, a month from now I'd be thinking what the heck am I doing

I am always selecting pieces of text from this forum and saving them as text files on my desktop for me to read when I end up doubting myself.

I saw someone write this in the past few days, I can't remember who so sorry to them for not quoting them but it was, "Being with a pwBPD is imprisonment - you are captured, chained and brainwashed to a state of learned helplesness. A promethean punishment."

This is one of the lines I read again everyday, having a baby is the ultimate chain and the guarantee for a lifetime of pain and misery, they want the baby not out of love, but to tie you down, they do not give a flying f*** that they are using another human being to do this. Their whole life revolves around using other people to fulfill their needs, and creating their own human to use and abuse and as a use to use and abuse their partner forever is something they really strive for. My ex was talking about babies very early on and I could have very easily ended up with a baby, and have my life eroded and destroyed forever.

We are healing now and it is tough, very tough, but the alternative option doesn't even bare thinking about, we have chosen to reclaim our lives, reclaiming one's life is not an easy feat, but we will all do it since this is the path we've chosen, some people aren't strong enough to do that, and they are the one's that will end up sacrificing everything they have and all they could have been, to a parasite that cares not, but actually relishes in the destruction of this persons life to their own servitude.

Indeed.

When I think how hard my recovery has been, I can't begin to imagine what would have become of me had she become pregnant - something she could have achieved, and sometimes expressed a desire to make happen. After we broke up, she said "I just wish we'd had a baby together." That thought is so unimaginably awful, I can't put it into words.

Timtom, we are in exactly the same boat right now, its nice to know your feeling the same way I am, my ex had no family, mum was a heroin addict who abused her since birth, her dad (who isnt really her dad) but she thinks of him as her real one is emotionally unavailable to her, she already has 2 children (shes 24) and she she was on benefits, while living in a council house.  I knew, i just knew that it wasnt fair for a child to be brought up in that kind of environment,  she wouldnt let me move in, and said i could just see the baby on the weekends (where's the logical thinking?).  I see and get why i said no, and your right our gut feeling was saying something isnt right here.  I wind myself up because when i was with her i had my ego, but was always paranoid and frustrated, but now thats all been replaced with the loss of my self worth, and its hard to bring closure to the break up.  WE know that she wanted that ring from you and baby from me to make sure that we would ALWAYS have contact with them no matter the outcome, and it backfired on the.  Who asks for a baby or marriage a month before jumping straight into another relationship, I know its mental illness, but its messed my head up.  

They want to secure the prettiest toy immediately with babies and marriage, and if that toy won't comply, they find the next prettiest toy, because waiting is not an option.

Yeah ive red about BPD entrapment when it comes to pregnancy, but she was on the coil, she craved MY baby with her, i said no (for obvious reasons) she then made out she had an abortion, and that it was my fault the baby died.  I personally feel she had to create this false reason up as a reason to move on and project her guilt and shame on me by making her out to be the victim.  So she goes from crying wrecklessly every night because every time she heard my voice it reminded me of the baby i purposely killed (through abortion) paints me black and moves on to the next guy within 3 weeks of this whole ordeal.  It scares me to think what if i actually wanted the baby, and then she blamed me for the abortion, i wouldnt have been able to live with myself.      

I really like the way you put that, its extremely true and really does reflect who they really are as people

In a normal relationship, if one wanted children and the other did not, they would simply go their separate ways.  It really is an issue that should be discussed, and settled before having sex.  That being said, I know my daughter is mentally "disordered" but unfortunately, that does not make it any easier to take when she is treating me badly.  My feelings are still hurt and the emotion is still real.

My mother actually said to me, watch out, this is the kind of woman that will trap you with a baby, she saw straight through her.

These women will pin the worst accusations imaginable on you, is that a partner? No, its an enemy. An enemy that likes the look of you, and wants you all to themselves, to eventually devour.

My ex used to say, after she had gotten the attention of yet another man, "why would I want mincemeat when I have steak at home?"

This statement was spot on, I was the tastiest steak that she had found and she wanted nothing more than to  consume me.

There is no empathy or care towards a steak, all she knows is she likes it and it tastes good.

Hey tinkerbell, yeah this may be so, but i personally feel that in a BPDs mind it doesnt accumulate this way.  Her 2 best mates were both pregnant at the time, so she felt broody to the point she would cry every day, and beg me to give her, her 3rd baby, she already has 2 and shes only 24, shes also on the coil.  She threatened to keep the baby as it was her body and not mine if she was pregnant.  I told her i don't want a baby with you, and the lies and deceit started to unravel.  in a normal relationship 2 people would talk about what they wanted, and if 1 party disagreed they would be mature about it, and say ok in that case lets wait untill the time is right.  They would not lie about an abortion, tell you you killed the baby and then start a new relationship 3 weeks later.   

Your ex used exactly the same line? "why would I want mincemeat when I have steak at home?"?

yeah she said that to that guy after making him take his top off, and after showing him the picture of me, weird I know.

That is beyond unnerving for me, I've never heard that saying ever in my whole life until I met her, I swear these people are just clones of one another, I swear they are robots, like the replicants off Blade Runner, they think they are real and want to be human, but they aren't.

I think they say it because they get a kick out of rejecting guys that hit on or chase her.  My ex used to say to me for banter you know you want me but you cant have me, when she was teasing me sexually, its all about manipulation and control.

True, they do indeed, but the way everyone's ex'es seems to be so similar is eerie, even using the same sayings, posting the same quotes, I feel like I'm in some crazy sci fi movie and its terrifying that these 'people' walk the earth amongst the rest of us.

Ha! My mother said the same after meeting her. She also said she got gold digger vibes from her, even though she comes from a rich family and I don't. I wonder what it was my mother reacted to, expressed in this way! I have to ask her.

Womanly intuition, I've learnt in the past 2 years that I've always ignored my gut instinct, now I am trusting it all aspects of life.

This hits most of us. my ex was also begging me to marry her soon and have a baby, and next week I'm dumped and she is in a new RS. it shows how sick they really are, how mature they are, like 3 year olds.

If you think, had i just married her, or just had a baby with her, would we still be together - Look at her, she have 2 babies, do she have 2 other BFs? no they are exes.

Or look at this forum, how many here that have been married and share kids - still dumped suddenly, and replaced.

I'm sorry you have a ruff day mate!

Hey Northlight! hope you had a good birthday, yeah what everyone's saying here is so true, its like I already know some of the answers to my questions BUT when someone replies by saying wow my ex did the same! it reinforces the fact that she really isnt normal, she has a mental illness, and that i know i wasnt the one at fault throughout this weird experience.  Although im having a down day, what makes me smile is the fact that, the next guy will be hurt just as much as us if not more at some point.  Furthermore, BPDs are constantly in emotional pain, she can say how amazing this new guy is on FB, and how much she loves him, but the funny thing is, she looks miserable in her profile pictures, and im yet to 2 see one of the both of them together.   

Of course it helps to read when people have similar experiences, because it shows that they have BPD, and we are normals! So its good that you make threads when you have those bad emotions or start to wondering about thing you deep inside know the truth about (like that the RS wouldn't last, no matter what you did). I hope you also had a good b-day mate, remember what i said about the 3 month mark, its right around the corner and its so much better than 2 month mark :D I'm looking for the 4 month mark now, and think it will be better for every month (so it can't be that many months left before i can finally say I'm healed from this trauma experience). awesome to hear from you again btw

And just think, you have no right to bring a child into this world with such a f***** up mother, the child is going to end up just as f'ed up as her mother, and that will be your fault, it is totally wrong. Whoever knocks her up deserves the punishment she will inflict on him, these women should not be allowed to reproduce.

Perhaps it smashes the notion of abandonment into a million ions for a second if they think, "well, as long as we have a child together then they won't leave" but as we know, in a disorder so heavily concerning abandonment (ninety per cent imagined) it's they who go -. which is dangerous. Sadly for some people here who do have children with BPDexs the illness takes a new dimension on and children have to bear the cross.

Mine was showing pictures of where we were going to get married to my entire family, including my kids, 3 days before leaving.

I will never understand it, and yeah, it's messed my head up good.

The instant finality of it is hard, with kids (mine) involved, living together. You'd think a decent person would try and work on it, state their concerns and try and change things. But I guess she met someone else and become instantly obsessed with him as she did me. I should've known better, she had been living with someone for 2 years when she met me and became obsessed. And I now know I was painted black. Even before knowing that that meant, for weeks after the relationship I ruminated on her words thinking what the heck happened "I hate this house", "I hate this area of the state and the people in it, they aren't my type of people", "I hate that you have kids", "I hate that you have an ex wife". This is the same person that wanted to buy a house in the same town not 1 month ago.

What I am left with, is hoping that the universe will repay her. That one day she'll turn around and be 40, single and the good looks she uses to keep a constant supply available will have faded. Mine wasn't abused by her mother, not conventionally so I have no reason to feel sorry for her, but she had huge issues with her. HUGE. Near as I can tell, her mom was critical and fawned over her older brother, that was the extent of it. She never could take criticism. But her parents are rich, and she lead a life getting everything and anything she wanted, so leaving me was as easy as daddy writing a check for a new place to live.

Im feeling so much better right now guys, I feel better and I really want to make sure all you guys feel like me right now.  We all need to really think about things like this:

1. The relationship was never going to last forever, no relationship lasts forever with the marketing industry being so involved with sexual attraction, celebrities and gossip stories, social media is a feeding ground for BPDs as well.

2.  No matter what you did or how you did it the outcome would have been the same.  Give them a baby now, the same outcome would have only been prolonged for like another 6 months to a year. 

3. The longer a relationship lasts the more hurt both parties will be ( in a healthy relationship) in this case the more hurt YOU would be, so wanting a 5-10 year relationship is going to set you up for some serious emotional trauma.

4. Remember how her ex before you must have felt when she did the dirty on them with us, did we care about how he felt? exactly so where was our empathy then?

5. The next guy is going to get hurt just like us, and the longer they are together the more emotionally damaged hes gong to be (thats karma right there)

6.  9 times out of 10 they downgrade to the first person whos willing to validate and stroke their ego, which then goes on to suggest that this new guy isnt or wont be very smart, he will have no idea about BPD, nor will he think to educate himself about it, thus resulting in an even more emotionally damaged individual than ourselves.

7.  The BPD is after validation, attention and someone she can manipulate, she has not thought to herself, I want to be with him because he has more money, better looking or physically bigger than us.

8, she ran because she felt she had to, she had no choice on the matter, she ran to the closest guy she could, if her new guy wasn't single it would have been someone else, its all about who gives her the most desirable attention she needs at that present time.

9. She doesnt LOVE she obsesses, For me personally, I have seen FB statuses from my ex to the new guy, saying hes the most amazing man in the world and she will stop at nothing to make him smile, they have only been together for 2 months, do NONs fall in love this quick?... .think about it.

10. the more intense it is at the beginning the faster it will burn out, she can only get so much out of these guys,  my exes replacement only works weekends, lives with his mum, and isnt from a wealthy background, so what exactly does he bring to the table? money? no... .a future? no... .because she will want to keep her independence (keep him at arms length) and shes not going to want to move in with him, because that way the intimacy would become to close and would trigger abandonment.  So while all you guys are missing your exes, and saying her new guy is a complete downgrade, if you couldn't satisfy her needs with your money, your more wealthy background and intimacy towards her, what makes you think this downgrade is going to offer her more?

11.  If you find out that they get married or having a baby together, remember YOU also had that opportunity and your gut instinct said no, so hes not better than you because you were given that choice while in the relationship.

12.  If they do get married or have a child together, think about how much that guy is going to be emotionally damaged, id rather her cheat on me rather than cheat on me after we made our vows and spent thousands on the wedding.

Look at each of them points and really open yourselves up to the fact that, It wasnt going to last forever, a lot of us on here managed to avoid pregnancy and marriage, and we came out hurting pretty bad, now imagine a guy whos not smart, goes through the same ordeal as us, after marriage or after a baby, now add that to the lack of knowledge he will have about BPD and what it is, you will then realise that WE are actually the survivors here.  My exes ex husband had 2 children with her when she was 16 (now 24) he took a loan of £12,000 out to pay for the wedding, shes still legally married to him now, and she cheated on him numerous times, technically i was having sex with someone elses wife, now think how heart wrenching that scenario is!       

Thanks Jammo, let me address your points with my own experience.

1. She actually said to me in bed, in the first week, nothing lasts forever, and repeated this a few times for the next couple of months, she knew how it would end, and she warned me.

2. Yep every stage is like a level they are looking to get to thinking, when I get here, I'll feel ok, oh wait I don't feel ok, next stage, still don't feel ok, lets have a baby, still dont feel ok, I hate my partner and I hate my baby for not making me feel ok, destroy them! Must find new toy to make me feel ok. Be glad we exited the game before we got to baby or marriage level, and then it truly would have been game over.

3. Yes the longer it lasts the further you fall down the rabbit hole and longer it takes to climb out, if you ever do.

4. I did care about how the guy felt and I knew who she was dating even though they weren't in a r/s, I refused to date her whilst she was seeing him, and in the end she painted him out to be this terrible obsessive stalker and I bought into it, she knew I'd have to hate him in order for me to date her.

5. I hope so! :D

6. News I've heard on the grapevine suggests exactly that, and thats he's a complete doormat so in all likelihood the damage she'll do to him will be much worse than the damage she did to me.

7. My ex actually thought I was better looking than her and she HATED it, she said she never normally dates good looking people, I guess I'm the first one she deemed had enough insecurity to go for, but she kept saying she'd actually rather be with someone bad looking, because she couldn't handle the way it made her feel, but it was too late because she was already addicted to me... .what?

8. There HAS to be someone, before I met my ex she had gone through a host of stand in's, people she dated but never got into a r/s with because quite frankly she didn't like them at all, but had to be with someone until she found one to enter a r/s with.

9. No.

10. I don't think much of him, but she had to be with someone, she tried to get back with me numerous times whilst she was seeing him, she even admitted she wasn't attracted to him in the same way she was to me, IE. she doesn't fancy him.

11. Yes she gave me a million chances to f*** up my life serving herself to me on a plate for the entire r/s and even after whilst dating the replacement, I am not stupid enough to take it.

12. I knew how bad my life would get if I had a child with her, I couldn't think of anything worse, I pity him if he does.

I'm starting to wonder if my uxBPD has run off her new supply already? Even though she blocked me, she still has my daughter on her friends list. I looked the other day and she hasn't really posted anything since she blocked me. There are none of those mirroring country boy/girl posts from 2-3 weeks ago. That tells me that they were directed at me the whole time and she stopped posting them when she blocked me. Or she somehow ran off replacement already. Or maybe her week was too busy to be a facebookaholic, lol.


Tell me more about this independence. I've posted a little about this in the past and no one really said that much about it. My ex had this strange independence thing going on. She would rarely ask for or accept anything. I mean in the beginning she did. But as time went on it got worse and worse. Almost like she thought that she would owe me or something. I don't know, it was strange... .

Right  BPD is obsessed with control, if they feel as if they are losing control of a situation, as in you have the upper hand, her emotions will get to intense and it will trigger her abandonment fears.  For example, at first a BPD would obsess over you talking about moving in together and such, but what tends to happen is, that once they have put themselves in a position where they cant keep you at arms length (see you when they want to see you) they become smothered and fear intimacy, it is then that they abandon us because their loss of independence has has made her lose control of not only the situation shes now in, but the control she needs to keep her emotions in a stable state.  Remember these woman (well my ex) was abused as a child was put into foster care and her only way of surviving has been through defence mechanisms.  Now think these woman have had to be independent their whole lives, so by taking it away from them by offering them a better life triggers abandonment, because its something their not used to.  Think of that film Jumanji that guy lived in the game he once feared, but after a while he learned to survive alone by using different methods to protect himself from the danger he had to face every day in Jumanjis jungle.  They have learned to be independent through force because they had to be, so thats why even a millionaire cant sustain a loving relationship with these people, they need and are so used to drama as children that when everything going well they panic, because they dont know how to handle the situation, and their first thought process is to run.  They only run because there depression and emotions are like 1000 times more intense than a NONs, i hope i have explained everything you asked.       

yes jammo, that makes sense.

no man... she would run with the baby. Mine did... it don't matter to them once they want to leave they leave.