BPDFamily.com

Hi family,

I feel very lost and low today and feel compelled to come here - I am not able to talk about with this with immediate family just now.

It is my exBPDbirthday's today. I am angry at him today. Devastated and angry. A good friend of mine lost his battle to cancer last night. Only 39 years old. The same age as my ex almost. I'm angry that an all round good guy, loyal, caring man dies and my ex doesn't realise, appreciate or utilise the give of life and love that he had given to him on a plate. My own mum is seriously ill with cancer - yet I am having to work through the emotions and HIS massive debts that my dxBPD partner has dumped, uncaringly, at my door.

I am sick - we should have been together for me to make birthdays as lovely as I always have - but he wasn't able to believe in my love, or silence the demons in his head and empty chest - HE ruined everything that could and should have been - so why I am so sad and lost feeling?

I want to contact him and tell him how sad I feel. I won't. I know it will fall on compassionateless ears and an empty, self absorbed heart. I never deserved any of this - I gave and gave and loved and loved, only to be sitting here now scared of life and of not getting it right.  

But I feel cheated - I feel used, I feel abused, I feel angry, I feel scared - life is so short and I gave a chunk of mine to someone that never deserved it but initially fooled me into thinking he did, and then manipulated me into not leaving.

He never deserved me, but I kept on giving. Maybe I'm mad at myself. How did I get so easily fooled?

How do I move on from her, when all I want to do is lie down and cry?  :'(

C14 x

Good! I am glad you are here talking... .it's the best thing... .get it out!


Ex will never realize. So you have to STOP and move on.

Do not try to make sense of it. It will NEVER make sense and you will drive yourself to the brink of insanity.

You will never get a genuine apology, confession, nothing.

You have to stop. Realize YOU are still alive and YOU have great things to give to this world... .

And then do it.

Stay away from him. He is like a slow poison.


Write it on paper. Not on the computer or smart phone, but write it all down on paper.

Sit in a quiet room or closet, and tell God. Pour it all out to Him.

Do not... .DO NOT waste your time, breath or heart, telling ex.

He doesn't care.

He does not have the ability to care.

It sucks, it hurts, it's not fair... .but it is what it is.

YOU have to think of YOU and get YOU heathly... .so YOU can live!


You were cheated.

You were used.

You were abused.

You have EVERY RIGHT to be angry... .just don't let a tiny root of bitterness grab hold of your heart. It will grow, and strangle the life out of you.

Forgive, and let go. Move on.

You got suckered. I got suckered. For 25 years. I lost 25 years... .no... .it took 25 year to learn this lesson.

I will look at those 25 years as 'lesson' time... .so that I never EVER repeat that mistake again.

To look inside of ME and see what do I need to get rid of, to be a better human being.

You got screwed. You got screwed big time. And he gets to walk away smelling like a rose without a care in the world... .

Or so it may seem.

My Faith in God, and His Word, tells me that the ex THINKS he got off 'scott clean'... .

But my God, counts my tears, and saves them.

And my God saw what he did to me.

And my God, my Abba... .He loves me, protects me, and HE and HE ALONE meets out punishment, justice, and vengence.

I just trust Him and His Word.

And I focus on getting ME healthy and ready for this world!




BTDT

How could I be so stupid?

How did I not see the signs?

Just how far WAS my head jammed up my arce?

25 years of insidious, calculated abuse.

Rivers are not formed in a day. It starts with a trickle, that makes the groove in the earth, then the trickle becomes a small stream, then etc... .you get where I am going.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and abuse, when applied in tiny doses over time... .then next thing you know WHAMO you are not who you were 25 years ago... .

That's because the abusers goal is to manipulate you so badly, that they 'own' you.

Go see an abuse advocate in your area.

Learn about the abuse cycle, gaslighting, silent treatment, flip the script... .

Your jaw will hit the floor, when the abuse advocate can finish your sentences for you... .and you have only known her for 5 min.

Keep letting it out.

DO NOT hold it inside!

Hello Compassion! 

Sorry you feel bad. How you feel is normal, and is actually quite healthy. Feel it, let it pass through.

Then try to accept that you cannot control another person, only your own actions and responses. They certainly do NOT get away scot free - on the contrary, they are doomed to a wasted hopeless life of misery and emptiness. For all they do, the hurt they spread, they do deserve compassion. They really are very tragic. That doesn't mean you cannot be angry - when someone hurts you, it's ok to be angry at them. But in years to come, you will be ok - they have no hope at all. I can't think of anything more awful than having a personality disorder, it doesn't bear thinking about.

Let the feelings pass through, then when you are ready, harness them for positive change, then let them go. Live your own life.

If you climbed into a tiger's cage to say hello and stroke the cute big cat, and it mauled you, would you be angry at the tiger? It would be pointless, because it's just a tiger, doing what tigers do. You were nice to the tiger, and it still mauled you. That's not the tiger's fault - it's a tiger. Will you ask it to explain why, or apologise? - it isn't capable. BPDs do what they do, they can do nothing else, it's instinct. They too are unable to offer explanations or apologies.

We try to understand because they are the same species as us, it's hard to accept how different they are - but it's maybe better to see them as a different beast with a totally different mind. All you can do is keep a safe distance.

Thankyou. I just feel floored today - in a way I never have. It's so incomprehensible the pain they inflict, and their total inability to appreciate what they have done - made worse by their very deliberate subsequent efforts to recreate history and paint themselves as the victim. The victim who, surprisingly, gets their own way more often than not... .but is STILL hard done by.

It make me sad and angry and today I just feel like someone's taken the wings out of my sails.

I was meant to be taking my ex away for his birthday - to a place he said he'd love to go, for a romantic weekend away all organised and paid for by me - but guess what - I had tried to book the tickets while he wanted to watch tv - and got shot down for being so 'selfish' and 'making it all about me'? He'd walked away in disgust and even dared to site this as one of the turning points where he realised 'he just HAD to leave'. w.t.f?

Rationally I know he'd have raged on the birthday treat if it had happened, he'd have accused me of endless, offensive stuff and I'd have wept myself to sleep most if not all of the time. he'd have continued to strip me away, little by little, chunk by chunk, rendering me increasingly paralised with fear... .rationally I know I've dodged a bullet. Emotionally, my heart aches. But maybe that's my grief from the loss of my friend today.

Others are leaving this world through no fault of their own - others with ample love to share - yet he, ex BPD boyfriend, struts around inflicting untold and ultimately denied pain and devastation - and we've to feel sorry for HIM?

It truly is the sign of someone seriously mentally ill.

I wish him a happy birthday. I wish myself an even happier life.

Any other thoughts, feelings and comfort greatly appreciated. Thankyou.

C14x