BPDFamily.com

Hi Family,

I've noticed that Im spending a little less time on these boards. I am still hurt and sad, but not as devistated and crushed as I was 2 months ago. I've accepted it, I dont feel the need to find explanations for every little detail any more. I'm focussing on a new carreer and Im really working hard on my codep and FOO issues. Whats left is a really heavy feeling on my chest from time to time, not very energetic yet and a sudden urge sometimes to check his FB, but I AM NOT since 2,5 weeks.

My story with my exdBPDbf is long and complicated. In short; long distance rs, met him 14 years ago, he was my first love I was 19 at the time, he was married (but only for a permit and she was abusive and a horrible terrible person... .I know better now).

We were off and on the first 12 years, he was a total ass a lit of times. He had a kid with another woman (not his wife), then his wife got pregnant and I decided to end it. I moved on and had a "normal" rs for 4 years with a really nice guy. But that just didnt work out.

2 years ago my BPD ex recycled me... .He was my first love and although he had hurt me time and time and time again, I decided to give it a go. He got divorced (I paid his rent, legal fees, food all the works to "support" him) and within 2 weeks ge proposed... .After that a lot of BS happened, a lot of jealousy, rages, cheating, triangulations, push/pull (he broke up with me once a week) gaslight specialist, isolation, ridiculous accusations, suicide threaths... .all the works... , it even got physicall at some point. In August I left, 4 weeks before the wedding. In out last conversation I tried to explain why, but he raged and raged... .I went NC, blocked him. After 4 weeks NC a recycle attempt came and I tried LC, firm boundaries, no more care taking etc... .That lasted 3 weeks... .Again triangulations, rages, accusations, stress and drama drama drama... .In a push episode he broke up with me again (I was taking a shower and didnt respond to a text wuick enough and he had bad dream about me cheating and thought thats why I didnt answer within 60 seconds... .Really?) I just said OK... .And without further notice I went NC. I didnt give an explanation, I didnt try to have a mature talk, he broke up with me and I vanished for him. I tried to talk to him the first time around, but all I get is rages, blaming and BS, I really didnt need another episodr of that... .Thats why I decided to go NC without further notice... .He did try to contact me, I didnt respond... .

I've been reading stories here on the boards about BPD and silent treatment and how unfair it is to us nons. But arent I doing the exact same thing? I know this man has treated me like siht, he did not respect me at all and I did tell him that if he would break up with me over nonsense again I would hold him to it.  What is the difference between ST and NC? Am I being a total b*tch here?

The difference would be your ex uses silent treatment against you, while you've gone NC to heal yourself. You're not doing it to punish, or cover your disordered tracks. Having said, "If you keep crossing these lines, we're done", which is similar to what happened with me and my now-ex, it's best for both of you that you stick with it. The actions you're taking are actually quite loving, while those of your ex are very questionable to say the least.

Believe in yourself. You're doing what is right and best for you. Much of the guilt you're feeling has to do with wanting to have a real conversation and work things out like 'normal' people do, which isn't possible in this situation.

Ok. I'm going to make this simple. IF YOU TOLD HIM (I do not want to talk) then no it's not abuse because you TOLD him... .However if you just went no contact WITHOUT telling him, then you are abusing him with silent treatment. It don't matter if your "trying to heal" if you just started ignoring him then that's not good. That's the real difference between the two.

When pBPDs give us the SL it is in the form of black and white thinking in regard to splitting. We are all black. Dissociated and disordered thought patterns whereby the disordered feelings of the pBPD= ( false) facts.  Its not purposeful, or perhaps it is, its much in part to do with splitting and schematic transference into the Detached Protector mode. 

You did not deserve this and it is part of the disorder.

Nons have a different definition of SL whereby we think its an act of passive aggression and very much so can be purposeful ahd cognizant.

NC is a tool we utilize in detachment. Its not a rule. Its a therapeutic and well proven healing action that allows us to ease away from the chaos.  To slowly but surely begin to process. To ease the anxiety and to continue to place needed distance from the intense trauma. 

It is a boundary that we place around ourselves that says our own emotional wellbeing is now more important than reacting to the disorder. And the abandonment fears.

Which always will win.

In no way is NC an act of aggression or b___iness. 

Its used to detach and heal.

And, with much else regarding support and personal inventory.   It works.