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How to some to terms  to try to get back with my love one  my ex girlfriend where I know it's a lot of drama and hurt for both of us what should I do ?

we have been together for 5 years it's hard to let go we all know they don't mean to be that way but the misunderstanding of the illness is all the problem , she often told me to read about and I did not , after it might be too late , am trying to learn more and be more understanding of that illness .

Every little help is most appreciated

Thank you all !

Hi guy4caligirl,

5 years together is a long history. I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I encourage reading as much as you can about BPD. She wants you to read up to understand. Having said that, how's she helping herself? Is she in therapy?

NO nothing now that she not with me I don't even know if she is taking her medicine either I am kind of concern but she does not allow me to speak or anything all she wants is for me to help her with money .  I am worried about her well been I don't think she is going the right route . I am afraid to tell her that I joined this site , she will think it's for her and she might get angry .

I'm asking because that's what I was worried about. From my experience with a pwBPD I was the problem. It's not to say all pwBPD are this way either, they may have some self-awareness and understand that there's something not quite right. They want to get help.

I'm coming at this from the angle that you can't ask someone to change when you're not happy. Change doesn't happen that way.

Change happens with you.

You're worried about her. I understand because you care. She's an adult? She can take care of herself and take her medicine. You don't need to fret and parent.

On the point with parenting. A pwBPD that is undiagnosed or untreated are running away from the pain of their abandonment trauma. You can't fix this trauma. She needs to be committed to do the work in T. She wants you to parent her because she's running away from it by asking you to work around her. She's not interested with dealing with her problems.

If she's not interested. You can choose ways to deal and cope and be less triggering in the r/s. I'd suggest checking out the staying board for that.

She asks for money. She's telling you to look up her disorder and adjust to her needs. It's controlling?

Do you know what borderline waif is?

Please don't worry about what she needs for now. You joined this site for a reason. You wanted to get help. If she gets triggered and angry. Those feelings belong to her, those are not your feelings. You shouldn't feel shame or guilt for wanting to get help. If she's making you feel that way.

You have to ask yourself if this a healthy relationship? To get back to my other point with change. You can work on boundaries. How do you feel about your boundaries? Do you feel like they're healthy ones?

She did not ask me now about reading about her illness in the first year she did , I am doing this to understand her state of mind and I joined after I saw and read that describe her for what she is  she is aware and been diagnosed as BPD .

IT's a shame to waist a life like that .

You're doing the right thing. Keep reading.

THANK YOU MATT