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What do people think of this quote from eat pray love?

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master... ."

I love it thank you for sharing this

Except I think the year the ego apart a little bit is an enormous understatement


I also completely agree about "your true spiritual master".

A part of me really wants to say it but you have to look within and see for yourself.

Just feel the somatic sensations of the pain feel it fully stay with it don't push it away.

There will be a struggle then you surrender and it will consume you as you accept it then another layer and you repeat layer after layer.

So our BPD ex was our "soulmate" ?

Only you know the answer to that.

I have had two BPD exs and my last one was.

It felt like he was - suppose I'm just trying to make sense of it.  I did gain a lot from the relationship and even though he has put me through so much pain I wouldn't change it. I do think it was meant to happen and in time I'm going to be stronger than before

Yes my ex was and I don't hate her for giving up on us, she just has no ability to self reflect. I want to grow from the experience, and even though it almost killed me, I still want to face my fears. My ex though is terrified of change. It is really hard to let go because I felt like we could reach the core of each other. I don't understand why I am still black. I'm the only person I'm her life that shows her compassion, caring and understanding. My opinions seem to mean nothing to her anymore. I think two healthy soulmates should stuck together through better or worse.

Interesting topic because my expwBPD introduced me to the term Anam Cara or soul friend.   It has been a year since we first met and what I have learned about myself through our relationship is astounding.   I have finally become aware of my FOO issues and how they relate to my chaotic relationships.  My mother and sister both have BPD so it is no surprise that I am attractive to BPD women.  I have taken a spiritual journey this past year and have grown stronger.   I'm in therapy but most of all... .I will be a year sober on the 25th.  Ironically I got sober thinking I could save the relationship.  My expwBPD of course started drinking again once I got sober!:-)   So predictable!

I know my ex was NOT my 'soulmate'  she is incapable of even a real full filling relationship, much less a deep soul connection. Course she said that it was 'soulmate' while I was the white knight.

That being said, they do love deeply on some level and do bring something out in you... .or do they?

I found a great many answers and profound thoughts along those lines when I read 'The Eden Project' by James Hollis.

The self reflection, and basically the search for 'the sacred other' as he calls it.

We in a sense do also mirror when we love. PBDs do this very strongly and uninhibited where as a normal functioning person is more cautious in the interest of self preservation.

One of the greatest thoughts from the book, 'The best way to improve our relationships with others is to tend to our own individuation'

Think about that for a bit. When we are with a PD, thats actually the last thing we do. They wont allow us to do so

Yes, he was my soul mate in that sense.  Created such chaos in my life and shook me awake.  Popped the bubble I had been living in for the longest time.  He disappeared from my life just as quickly as he arrived, and now I am left with just me, the authentic me coming out.  And it is ok. I know I will be ok.

The message is good - there's a reason why we are drawn to them and they teach us much - although I'm not sure it's worth the horrific price.

Soul mate is the wrong word though imo. I see now that I was kind of irrelevant to mind, she was doing her own thing and I happened to be there. I wouldn't even class us as a couple - just two people on totally different journeys happening to be travelling together briefly.

I'd like to think a soulmate is actually "there" with you, feeling something, caring, sharing emotions. I'd say a BPD is almost the opposite to a soul mate.

agreed... I've seen this alternate definition before, but it's probably as valid as the more well known one.

I don't want to live the rest of my life assigning her this much importance. She was an awful little troll that has nearly killed me, that's it.

poppycock, bullsnazzle, and hogwish.

It's the romantic notion of a soulmate that got me into this mess.

Lets take a look at the bigger picture that mysticism paints.

We are all one.

God is everything.

In other words, we are one with creation, our soul is shared at some deeper level.

There is no ONE PERSON who could be a soulmate.

In truth, everyone is our soulmate ; the thing is that we decide that some person is THE SOULMATE, and the reason it hurts so much is that it isn't reality. Too much is put on that person.

Thats deep but resonates as the truth on many levels!

There's only one soulmate

his name is Jesus Christ, He lives in all saved Christians. If you ain't a christian you ain't got a soulmate. You cannot expect another fragile frail human being to complete us. All you can ask for is a mirror to your own problems, BPD's have far more problems than any of us. They're psychotic fragile frail people who need our pity not elevating to the level of soul mate.

If you want to find real peace and truth find Jesus. Other than that expect "until death do we part". Human beings are not half a puzzle, we are full complete in ourselves. The only bit we miss is redemption, no person can redeem us apart from Jesus. No one else under heaven and earth is our salvation.

The problem we all had was looking to other people to complete us, thats when we white-knight or caretake and take a lot of crap for nothing. If you want to be good people, forgive your BPD and move on, or be their friend, but don't expect someone who is essentially mentally disabled to be your soulmate, just keep your distance and be there when you can.

Do you not see that threads like this pedestal them? They don't need pedestals, they need a smile and a pat on the head. They're toddlers in adult bodies. Why on earth would anyone call them their soulmate, yes when you're decieved and don't understand the disorder. This is no place for mysticism, but a place for cold hard truth.

"Those that look outside themselves dream. Those that look within awaken." -Carl Jung

"Christ in you." -Paul

"Look within and see for yourself" -Buddha

I've never liked the term "soulmates" especially after my BPD relationship! To me it infers that you have found your "other half" which means you are incomplete without them, it's a nice misty eyed notion but if you have to rely on finding your "other half" you are saying you are incapable of true happiness without another person.

My ex talked about us being soulmates almost from day one and often said "we are home now" so much projection, but hey, I gobbled it up too, I believed it. As I said to my T the other day. The only person I am sure will be with me for the rest of my life is me.

no. my soul mate is not an emotionally abusive, dishonest or toxic person.

something to think about--if you consider this person your "soul mate", are you sure, really sure that they themselves haven't felt the same or shared the same things with many, many other partners? to me this seems their MO. they may be your single soul mate, but quite possibly you are only one of many to them. and who were you by the way? because of lack of object constancy mixed with impaired empathy, the only soul mate they actually have affection for is whoever they are idealizing in the moment.

i think it's a good thing that many people grow so much from these r/s though. and are able to uncover truths about themselves and face past traumas. i'm sure my ex did this to several men as well, made them face up to some things. but not me. i seem to be in the minority regarding this. so, coming to terms post-relationship was difficult in the sense that i don't really feel she pushed me to grow in any ways that i needed to. however, this is counterbalanced by the fact that i'm extremely grateful now for having a strong sense of self, family support growing up, friends, etc.

as others stated, my ex simply isn't powerful enough to even come close to being my soul mate. although i'm sure there's a handful of men out there that would swear she is. i just don't buy what she's selling 

As I said earlier, I'm not down with the whole idea of anyone being anyone's "soulmate" but the more I think about it the more I realise that a BPD is the last person that could ever be a soulmate. Ask yourself, after the betrayal, who was this person, do any of us have any idea who they were? I think I was with a first class actor. I thought what she said was real and I believed it. But now I realise that there was no reality to it at all, it was all a huge act. We say we connected with them on a deep level, did we really? Or did we just fall for a child's fantasy?

I fell for her act. I don't know who she really is... .and I don't think she does either. That's not true. I know who she is. A cute Flight Attendant that can make my life a living hell ! And enjoy doing it to boot.

my take on soulmate is that it is a hindsight thing.  you don't really know if you have one until the very end of your life.  in other words, only time can tell.  some lucky people maybe able to tell that much faster … some people may never have a soul mate.  it is like lottery tickets… everyone can buy one and pick 6 numbers and only 1 in a billion wins.  so if you are the lucky one, then congrats.  the danger is getting "punked" into believing you won and you really don't … so don't get punked by a PD.  I believe many of us have and that is why we are here …

I think it has to do with the feminine archetype and anima projection.

Blim , what do you mean here ? Thanks

Interesting Blimblam! This is actually what I'm working on with my therapist right now. And with myself.

There has been this fantasy of a feminine archetype following me for almost 20 years and I've come to realize I fall in love in a different way than my peers. There's this magical fantasy involved and intense longing. But it's only there when I'm chasing the girl. In some of my relationships before I isolated myself for 10 years the gf was mixed up with this fantasy creature. But once I got her I got bored and disappointed of her, she lost the connection to the fantasy archetype.

I remember thinking after the end of my exBPD relationship "does the exBPD have a soul?".    Truly someone with a soul has empathy and would certainly come clean about any untruths when given the opportunity to do so.    A true soulmate in my view does not have to do a bunch of idealization to reel us in, they are secure in themselves and are comfortable telling us how things are and being with us despite our shortcomings. 

A BPD is truly incapable of doing this for any significant length of time

"Forget everything you think you know about you and me" -Tyler durden

She is the magic mirror. All that you see is yourself. Can you forgive a wounded soul? Can you forgive yourself?

"All for one and one for all" -alaxander Dumas

All is one.

Hey Merlin,

I agree about a soul mate being a mirror, awaking us, and helping us transform and evolve

yet the conclusion: "Nah. Too painful", geez, come on, that's almost childish... .

Everything said here about a soul mate applies to oneself.

At the end of the day we are our own spiritual masters.

Do I want to live with myself for the rest of my life?  :)o I even have a choice

So being a relationship with a true soul mate is indeed hard, challenging, and life transforming.

I am up to this challenge. Bring it on.

 |iiii

I agree with lots of the post with Blimblam... although just a bunch quotes, but they are right on the money.  So I like to re-structure what I said before about finding a soul mate is like winning a lottery ticket... .the point is not to encourage people to actively find one, the point was to encourage people to live realistically.  You don't do your financial planning based on your future lottery ticket winnings ... .do you?  The idea of soul mate is a fantasy ... it could happen to very few and for those few, I congratulate them.  Also soulmate, I believe it is one of those things you ought not to try to find, ought not try to build, ought to just let it happen type of deal.  It is strange, but I had a friend in highschool, she went through boy friends and boy friends... .one thing she said that kind of stuck in my mind.  I asked her, why did she leave her last boy friend, she said something and then she said " ... you know if it real, then love shouldn't be that hard."  I had a moment of clarity ... but then unfortunately, I never really awaken by that statement.  Now I am in my 40s ... .I realize ... that is exactly it!  If you have to try so hard to find or build love together... .then you should probably just drop it.  Why?   True love, soul mate is an organic thing ... .it is not something that can be fudged.  If it is, then it is artificial... then it won't be long lasting.  I think it is quite true that we see the other person who we want them to be and then try so hard to make them to become who we think they could be.  Neglecting seeing her trueself and then we walk into this maze that eventually turn into a trap.   

Regarding soul mates I think Jeff Brown is pretty spot on in his views. I think many of you may enjoy some of his material in this regard. He's a self published author and writes lots of stuff on Facebook. Try googling him.

Blimblam and others, Jeff Brown uses a term called wound-mate which I think may describe many of our r/s with pwBPD. Consider these quotes, what do you think?

It’s often difficult to distinguish a soul-mate from a wound-mate because soulful connections excavate the unresolved emotional material each of us holds. The stronger the connection, the stronger the light shining on those dark places. But not all wound-mates are soul-mates. Sometimes they are just toxic connections masquerading as something more heightened. Sometimes they are just destructive battle-grounds with very little possibility for expansion. Sometimes they are just trouble with a capital T. It’s an important distinction. We want to go where we grow.

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Wound-mates (or Wound mates): Those relationships that are sourced in unresolved emotional patterns, issues and holdings. Not to be confused with soul-mates, which will also trigger shadowy material to the surface, but which hold a greater deal of promise. At the heart of a soul-mate connection is an opportunity to work with the shadow in a growthful manner. This willingness lives at the heart of conscious relationship. When two souls meet in the deep within, all kinds of emotional debris can rise into awareness, including that of the unresolved collective. To the extent that the couple is willing to own and clear the debris, the connection can grow in karmic stature. By contrast, wound-mates are those that trigger the debris, but they do not have the capacity for relational expansion. They flounder in the mud, trigger after trigger, downward spiral after downward spiral, attached at the waste. They drag both individuals down even if they have the intention to grow through the challenges. Simply put, if they don't help you glow, then let them go... .

I think that this sort of thinking is exactly the same as what the pwBPD does. That magically, a perfect person will just materialise. Real love does take time and it does take work, every day. To believe otherwise is to set yourself up for another r/s disaster down the road. It is about seeing the real person and not the person we wish them to be. If I've learned anything from my BPD r/s its that people can talk the talk about how connected we are but they are just words. I'll judge people by their actions from now on, not a bunch of "soulmate" claptrap.

I honestly, totally, completely agree with this.

A relationship grows from meeting someone, getting to know them over time, and falling in love with WHO THEY ARE. Not over what they pretend to be. If a person starts screaming within a week that you're their everything, that you're the one - you have a crazy.

Now I'm not saying you get some ugly smelly girl and start dating them and fall in love with their personality. I'm saying you 'fancy' someone, you like them, date them, and gradually fall in love. Love is something deeper than infatuation, I wish I'd stuck by this concept when I first heard her say I love you. I was just too flattered. Love is sacrifice, what you're willing to do for that person. It's companionship, the time spent with them. It's sitting with someone at 90 years of age and thinking "wow, I'm glad I married her". It's knowing someone so completely that you can tell what they're thinking just by looking at them.

What we have in a BPD relationship is none of this. No BPD relationship will last to 90 (unless you're 89 when you meet). A BPD doesn't care about your needs, a BPD doesn't wan't to sacrifice for you, a BPD only wants to spend time with you to control you. A BPD resents marriage as YOU controlling them. A BPD doesn't want to wait to fall in love, they do it as soon as they realise you like them, and within weeks or months they've gotten bored.

Love is for grown ups.

"Love is for grown ups" I love that line. Sums up everything. In a perfect world BPDs would have a tattoo on their forehead "I'm BPD, do not get into a relationship with me"

Love is for all. All is love.

Really laughed at this, thanks. One of those sad but trues.

That might be a good time/last time to meet a soul mate, this time.

But even at that age you'd be betting on a long shot if it's BPD.

No way am I spending my last year like I spent this last one !

I have a term for my expwBPD: Beelzebub.

Straight up.

I've been dealing emotionally with the simple disrespect my BPD shows me. Last night she discovered her cross necklace after a year, so I sent her a song about the cross (sweetly broken jeremy riddle), I said 'seeing as you found your necklace listen to this'. Instead of just listening she sends 8 hours later "why what for? X".

I mean... .what the heck, I know its not much, but it just shows how she disregards anything I do, its always gotta be explained, when literally its 3 minutes of her time to listen to 1 song when all she's gonna do today is lie in bed. You literally have to explain to her why I sent the song, and EVEN THEN SHE DOESN'T LISTEN TO IT!

So I basically told her that: she disrespects me, if she'd sent me a song I'd have listened, and I'm not even sure how much effort I'm willing to expend in integrating her into my life.

She's yet to even look at my message or reply. But honestly, this is the 8 months I've known her all over.

How nice if she'd just listened to the song, that would have been lovely.

soulmate is a concept created by the society to keep us conformed.  maybe?   with out such idea to cling on, we will be running around like dogs in heat.  maybe this is the solution to get over N/BPDs.

Interesting notion, yet the origin of the soulmate concept stretches back to antiquity with the legend that humans were once very powerful, whole beings. We were split in half, into male and female, so that we could not challenge the gods. And that we spend our existence searching for our other half, our soul mate.

Yes, the M.agic M.irror.

The magic mirror mirrors myself.

"Every time I look at myself in the mirror. I thought I told you this world is not for you!" -the strokes "reptilia"

" those who have eyes that see and ears that hear."

M.M.