BPDFamily.com

Not sure how to feel about how my BPDx (daughter's mom) family has handled all the craziness.

She moved back to her hometown from where we lived after breakup to stay at her parent's. She was constantly fighting with them almost right away so she found new supply and was engaged and moved out just a few months after moving. A month or so later something happened that led to the end of the engagmenet. I haven't been told anything but i'm just going to presume she got caught cheating again. Anyhow, the engagement is called off and she moves back to her parents supposedly filled with remorse. The fighting picks up again almost right away and a couple of months after that she's pregnant by a new guy and moves out of her parent's again. Mind you my 3 year old daughter is being dragged along through all this. She just had the baby, her 4th child in 5 years by 3 guys (lost custody of two) and has the new guy taking care of it and my daughter while she bartends over night 4x a week. Now, im no genius but BPD mom with newborn and toddler working night shifts at a bar while sucker babysits is a recipe for disaster when she is figured out.

I try to politley tell BPDx's family that this is  all insane but they assure me that everything is fine and that they would tell me otherwise. I don't know if i should be mad or what? I could be wrong but it seems to me like her behavior is being condoned or at the very least turned a blind eye to. I would think that such behavior would be frowned upon in smalltown, usa.

I'm not sure what your actual concern here is - is it BPDx's behavior, the well being of your child, or what? What are you expecting her family to do?

Well i am concerned about everything. When the BPDx was with me, she was 8 hours from home and i like to think that not being around her immediate family and people she's known her entire life made her feel like she could get away with all the crazy stuff she did because they wouldn't know. Now, she's pulled the same stuff in her hometown and it seems to me like the family and friends just turn a blind eye to it and don't say anything. My thinking is that if everyone you know keeps telling you to stop being crazy, you'll at the very least try to have a little self control. This woman is raising my daughter for the time being and it's in everyone's best interest for her to get better.

I agree with you on all that, but her behavior isn't under your control. And no one - not even her family - can make her better. Only she can. That's a sad fact of life that us "non's" have to accept, unfortunately.

Have you considered what to do about your child given all this?

I have contemplated trying to get custody but i don't think the timing is right. I'm in my late 20s and dont have any family where i am that would be able to assist with looking after her while i work, etc.  My plan is to re-evaluate the whole custody thing in a few years when she is school aged but who knows what the mom would have dragged them into by then.

As disturbed as this woman is, she interacts well with the child and wouldn't hurt her directly. What she does outside of her on one on one interaction with the child is where in my belief the damage comes from. That being said, she has a big support system where she is  and her family is made up of decent, apparently normal people. Hopefully that balances out the mom's negatives.

I'm going to suggest very strongly that you consider what's going on with your kid here. If she's "disturbed" then your child has no business being around her. Period. And if her family can't provide a stable environment, then you need to consider what's best for your child, whether you're ready or not.

Since family courts tend to so frequently side with the mother i think i would have a much better chance of actually winning custody when i am better established. Although her extreme behavior is well documented (arrests, news articles, several kids by different men), i still consider her a high functioning BPD and i must proceed with extreme caution.