BPDFamily.com

Its been almost 30 days since my ex of 4 years left me, we have an amazing 15 month old daughter and a beautiful life we both loved. It started like most of our fights over something small that escalated into a breakup. This happened several times before but she always took a few days stayed with her mom and came back apologetic. Unfortunately this time after only a few days she met a guy and just to be spiteful went into a relationship with him on FB, I reacted badly calling her a bad mother and giving her all the rage and anger she's given me for years. This ended up pushing us further apart and even made communication over our daughter impossible. Not long  after we stated to open up and for the first time in a long time talk and listen to eachother about our feelings. Things were going really good and we were actually like friends again until I tried to drop the baby off and go to work and she wasn't even home. I texted her to explain I have work and our daughter needs her and she flat out called me a liar and said she was at her new man's house. I remained clam picked her up because he don't even have a vehicle and we didn't even talk on the way to her house. The following week was amazing she said she wasn't seeing him anymore , I was giving her rides taking her and the baby to the park, fixed her mom's sink and we were actually friends again. While we were cleaning her room and laughing about old times she slipped up and said Babe get the baby a bottle. She got so frustrated with her addressing me with a term of endearment she kicked me out and went no contact on me for two days. When she did text me it was to inform me she needs space don't feel the same about me and don't ever see us getting back together. I have a feeling she thinks because she hooked up with the new guy that I'll always hold it over her , she even suggested I go hook up with someone and maybe we can be together again in the future. We talk everyday and I'm always calm despite her temper , is there anything else I can do to get out of being painted black and at least see me as the good loving father I am to our daughter and be civil with me ?

Tough situation to be in... .hang in there!   

Focus on the lessons... .focus on not invalidating.  Let the good times be good... .and when they turn bad... .don't react.  See if there is an emotion to validate.

How are you doing with learning and applying the lessons?

I'm just trying to be supportive and defuse her rage. I haven't seen the lessons but I'll look it up I need all the help I can get cause she's so back and forth with her emotions and feeling toward me. One minute there's hope and the next she wants nothing to do with me.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

Lessons... .try to give it a quick read... .you'll come back later and read some sections in depth.

Let me challenge you this time to go through them and to come back here and let us know your impressions of how to be supportive.

Yes... I edited your quote down some... .

But... did it for a very important reason.  If you goal is to defuse rage... .you will find many on the staying board... .including me... that will try to talk you out of that as a goal.  That may be an end result of other goals we may try to talk you into... .

You are not responsible for defusing her rage... .


It's a very different picture to have in your mind to say I'm going to validate my partners emotions as best I can... .versus a picture that says I'm going to validate my partners emotions to defuse her rage... .

You control "as best you can... "... .that is something you can work on ... .that is something you can and will make better over time.  You can understand that you are getting better... .and... most likely your partner will change as a result of your change... .

Do you see a difference in the ways of thinking that I presented?

How would you describe the difference?

I understand what you mean, changing my approach seemed to help and we were doing great a week ago, she told all her family members that the relationship with the replacement was just friends and swore to me she wasn't sleeping with him. We had a great time spending a few days together with our daughter and as soon and she realized she still had feelings she told me to leave and ended up staying over the new guys house that night , despite us having a child she's been no contact ever since. I keep reading about this no contact thing and understand it can be helpful for someone getting over a breakup but haven't heard of too many BPDs doing it, perhaps she's being coached ? Also the root of her issues have always been her mother who she now lives with , while we were together she hated her mom said she was never there for her always yelled at her put her down and spent more time with different men or at the bar than with her growing up, she swore she never would be like that and its exactly what she's now doing