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I've been ghostwriting a college textbook on early childhood development, came across Erikson's theory, and found it profoundly helpful to understanding how and why this particular journey has been so hard for me.

Basically, Erikson says that we go through several different stages of psychosocial development, dealing with one issue or psychosocial "crisis" at each stage, resolving it in one of two ways, then moving onto the next one. How we resolve earlier issues effects the way we resolve later ones. We emerge into adulthood with all of these issues resolved in a particular way and it basically determines how we approach, present ourselves, interact with, and relate to others.

At different times in our lives, however, we can experience something that reactivates these issues or crises. We're forced to revisit and resolve them for ourselves again.

I've included a detailed list that describes each stage in detail at the end of my post (if you're interested), but basically, what I realized was that, as a result of being raised by an uBPD/NPD rager of a mom, I'd resolved the first stage (not surprisingly) in mistrust.

My expwBPD caused me to revisit that issue - big time. He was the first person I'd met who seemed like he was genuinely interested in, noticed, cared, and was concerned about me. My needs seemed like they were a real consideration to him (they were - just not quite in the way - or for the reasons I thought at the time!). Where I'd previously resolved to mistrust, I suddenly found myself resolving to trust.

I did not, however, have any experience trusting people. I didn't know there were any gray areas, I thought you either did or you didn't. And I so liked the way it felt to trust someone in this way, that I did pretty much whatever was necessary so I could keep trusting this guy - even when I knew he'd lied or hadn't told me the entire truth about everything from depositing his paycheck into our joint account to where he'd been til four in the morning. I let myself be gaslit, I JADE'd. I blamed myself. I learned to walk on eggshells and not ask questions whose answers I wasn't going to like.

And then he left me. Very suddenly. Very unexpectedly. Very nastily. Had met/gotten involved with another woman while I was out of town working to pay our bills, telling me he loved/wanted to be with me right up to the day before I got back when he told me he was moving out, didn't want to be with me, and not only didn't love/care about me anymore, but never had - had only said so out of fear of what I would say/do to him if he didn't.

What had been, for me, a minor crisis with trust suddenly turned into a massive one that threatened the integrity of my entire identity.

And it's taken me a good four years to come to terms with it, and resolve it for myself - not back to mistrust - but with a kind of trust that's been substantially more informed, nuanced, and matured by everything I've gone through.

I've had such a hard time understanding why this experience has been so earthshattering for me, and taken so long for me to process/get through. Why it still effects me so much the way it does.

Looking at it this way - as a reactivated psychosocial crisis - really helped validate the idea that it was earthshattering and probably should, therefore, take just as much time as it's taken for me to get through it.

Just throwing it out there for anyone/everyone who may be having the same thoughts as they move into their second, third, fourth, or even tenth year of coming to terms with what's happened to them.

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The stages are:

Stage 1 - Trust v. Mistrust (birth to 1 year): Revolves around the issue of being able to expect that one's basic needs will reliably be met by others. A successful resolution of this issue results in the development of the ability to trust others, a fundamental belief in one's own importance and value to others, and a hopeful attitude toward life. An unsuccessful resolution results in an inability to trust others, poor self esteem, and a tendency to view the world as indifferent or even hostile.

Stage 2 - Autonomy v. Shame/Doubt (1 to 3 years): Revolves around the issue of being able to feel adequate. A successful resolution of this issue results in the development of a sense of both autonomy (independence), agency (control over one's feelings, thoughts, and behavior), and confidence in the ability to interact with others. An unsuccessful resolution results in a sense of inadequacy, weakness, dependence, self-doubt, fear, and shame about one's ability cope with new situations, including going to school and interacting with others.

Stage 3 - Initiative v. Guilt (3 to 6 years): Revolves around the issue of being able to assert oneself and feel accepted by others. A successful resolution of this issue results in the development of self confidence, the ability to take the initiative in dealing with people and tasks, and a strong sense of one's own purpose in life. An unsuccessful resolution results in a sense of futility, paralysis, apathy, indifference, inability to initiate action on one's own behalf, and guilt for not having taken action sooner, as needed, or as expected by others, including one's self.

Stage 4 - Industry v. Inferiority (6 to 12 years): Revolves around the issue of being competent. A successful resolution results in increased self confidence and the belief in one's ability to realize one's ambitions and take care of one's own needs. An unsuccessful resolution results in feelings of inferiority and helplessness.

Stage 5 - Identity v. Role Confusion ( adolescence): Revolves around the issue of one's interest to, and acceptance by others. Involves self examination and the identification of what one understands, believes, feels, thinks, and values - as well as the integration of those things into a unified sense of self identity or self concept (see module 1).  A successful resolution results in the development of a sense of loyalty to self, and the view that achievement/success, as a product of self, are deserved. An unsuccessful resolution results in a poorly understood, incomplete, or inconsistent sense of identity.

Stage 6 - Intimacy v. Isolation (early adulthood): Revolves around the issue of one's ability to form intimate relationships with others, including, but not limited to a significant other. A successful resolution results in seeing others as separate, unique, and fully actualized individuals in their own right whose perceptions, feelings, thoughts, interests, values, and welfare are as valid and important as one's own - and with whom one can both identify and empathize. An unsuccessful resolution results in feelings of isolation, and a lack of identification with and/or empathy with others, as well as a tendency to objectify others by seeing them almost exclusively as extensions of, or of use/service in some way to the advancement of one's own interests.

Stage 7 - Generativity v. Stagnation (middle adulthood): Revolves around issues of one's ability to nurture and provide for the generation that follows them - or to achieve for others as well as  one's own self. A successful resolution results in a greater sense of personal value, meaning, and purpose. An unsuccessful resolution results in feelings of personal stagnation, waste, emptiness, and irrelevance.

Stage 8 - Integrity v. Despair (late adulthood/old age): Revolves around the issue of the meaning and value of one's life. A successful resolution results in an appreciation of one's accomplishments as well as mistakes, and sense of satisfaction with the way one's life has turned out. An unsuccessful resolution results in a sense of despair over mistakes made, self loathing over opportunities missed, resentment over successes/happiness denied, and a general dissatisfaction with the way one's life has turned out.

Going over this list, it's relatively easy to understand both how and why each of these stages relates to, and can effect all the others. Resolving the first stage in mistrust, for example, is definitely going to make it difficult for someone to resolve the sixth stage in intimacy. More insidiously, however, the low sense of fundamental value or worth affected by a resolution of mistrust in the first stage is going to make it just as difficult, if not impossible, for a child to resolve the second stage in autonomy or the third stage in initiative as well.



For me, it seems pretty obvious that

This is fascinating, I was first introduced to Erikson's stages in John Bradshaw's book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You", and it was really interesting to see how the r/s I just got out of with my uBPDexh was so similar to many aspects of my r/s with my mother.  Maybe 'interesting' isn't the right word.  Shocking!  I think this is where my healing really began.  I believe my dysfunction originates in the 2nd stage, autonomy vs. shame/doubt.  I don't remember anything particular from this age, my earliest memories are at about 4 and they are very vague and blurry.  But it describes the area I have had the most difficulty with.  What I do know about my mother at that time is that she was in a deep depression and was apparently suicidal (but never attempted).  So it does make sense.  And because of the way I resolved this stage, it did affect all the other stages thereafter.  I feel like I am going back and 're-doing' those stages where I struggled to find my own identity, relearning how to be my own person and be compassionate for myself for the shame I've carried all these years.  Thanks for sharing this!

This is really interesting.  Can you recommend one of Erikson's books, or other texts for further reading on this subject?  I agree that something about a BPD r/s reactivates a deep crisis within that, on some level, we need to revisit and resolve in order to move forward again, though this process is incredibly painful.  Thanks, Lucky Jim