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I have been 10 days NC. Some days are good some days are bad. I find the weekends to be the most difficult. I don't know why. I was alone on the weekends when we were together and I am alone now that we are apart. I broke up with my ex BPDgf about a month and a half ago. She was very depressed and raged a lot at me and spent all of her time with her brother. She started to drink again and I soon realized she was seeing someone again behind my back. I just have more respect for myself than to be someone's door mat.

I spoke with her 10 days ago when she was justifying how wronged she was by the police when she got arrested or her second dwi. I asked her if she was going to take any responsibility and I got rage in return. I guess that's why it doesn't work out with BPDs and nons. Once I stopped being a doormat and an enabler and started holding her accountable she started to hate me. One of the last this she said to me was that her overwhelming love for me has turned into resentment. Why?  Because I asked to be respected?  Treated fairly?  Asked her to be accountable?

I feel in my heart and head that it is truly over. I have mixed feelings. On one end I am grateful for the madness to end. On the other end I miss her and am sad. My therapist told me she is not done with me yet. This makes me happy and scared. I miss her and love her but I know she is toxic and can never be trusted. I hope she does contact me and I hope she doesn't. Does this make sense?

Someone on this board's said that you should count a month for each year you were together and that should be your target for when you might begin to feel better. I work hard every day to push her out of my mind. It's suppose to get easier... .I hope so. No real meaning to this post just wanted to talk it out.

She ended our relationship back in late July but I didn't move out until late September. Except for one text, I've been NC for 4 weeks since Ive moved out. I kind of feel like you. It seems as though I'm waiting for the phone to ring or a text to come through from her. I know she's not going to. I know that it's best for me if she doesn't. But yet it seems like I'm living this fantasy by waiting for contact from her. I'm guessing that this is normal to some extent. And the longer time goes on and she doesn't contact me that this "waiting" feeling will subside. Guess I just have to wait it out.

On an off note, I was at the grocery store Friday and found myself grabbing my phone to see what she wanted me to cook for dinner. When I realized what I was doing, I was actually kind of shaken. Then I got mad because I realized that I did all the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. I was used and taken advantage of for 38 months. My ex is a POS... .

Hi will-

Your post reminded me of a passage from an article on this site:

You held a mirror up to her she doesn't want to look into. It's a kill the messenger kind of thing. She doesn't hate you, it's really herself she's most upset with. It was temporarily easier to deny, scapegoat, and run than deal with her real problems. As it plays out, she'll still choose to have bad patterns, but you won't. Mixed feelings are OK, you have a chance to sort them out. There's no schedule for detaching. You'll get there when you get there.

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate everyone of them. There is peace in knowing that I am not alone in this.

Heeltoheal... .your reply reminded me about something he said to me once. We were talking about our relationship and I told her I was willing to go out on th  ledge for her. To take the risk. I asked her if she was willing to do the me for me. She responded that it is to vulnerable out there on the ledge.

I knew then but I held out hope.

Fred... .I did everything in our relationship too. The thing is I would have been ok with it if I was just appreciated and respected. I am hoping you are right that this waiting feeling will slowly go away.

Myself... .I hope I can continue with following good patterns. Thank you for the mixed feelings are ok. Sometimes I think I should just be over it since I was treated so poorly. You are right I will get there when I get there.

$hit man, I was ok with it. I guess looking back that I probably shouldn't have been. I mean it's my fault, I let her get away with not doing anything in the relationship and I still stayed around. I really didn't ask for anything but her honesty and faithfulness. In the end, I didn't even get that. The only thing that I can say that I got was 38 months of companionship with an emotionally detached individual. I added value to her life and I was summarily replaced and dismissed for it. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but things will get easier with time.

and liquor, hahaha... .

Early in the relationship my ex said "the woman a man shares a bed with controls his world".  I knew it was crap at the time, and should have walked right away since she honestly thought that, but it wasn't until I'd left her and learned about BPD that I realized why she believed it: the way a borderline is wired they absolutely must be in control of the relationship, otherwise they risk being engulfed, losing themselves, or being abandoned, losing their partner, neither of which is acceptable.  Who would sign up for that?  Those of us who were naive regarding mental illnesses and relationships, and those of us who feel at home in that kind of arrangement, due to their own history.  Fortunately the pain drove me away relatively quickly... .

Yeah prepare yourself for her attempting to break NC because it's very likely she will. It really gets to them when they realize that you don't want anything to do with them. They can't handle it.

Just work on getting yourself right.  Time does make things easier and you will settle down after a while. Stay active on here and figure out why you allowed yourself to get in this position,  I think that's the key to recovery,  if you can learn about yourself from it,  and make the changes to yourself to be a better and stronger person that's how you " beat" the BPD.

There's far too many victims out there who either lack the intelligence to work out what happened to them or just don't have the ability to find answers,  they end up conditioned.  Someone who went through the BPD rs process and never healed the wound will I'd say never have a healthy relationship.  They just won't be able to.

You can and will. Just do the self work.

Haha mine wanted me to become a house husband when we got married while she went out and worked. When it's perfectly obvious that she is incapable of doing a job more demanding than working part time in a record store (even that is like one of the trials of Hercules according to her) while my job pays me more than triple what she gets and my earning power is always going to be vastly superior to hers because I'm educated and,  well I'm just able to actually hold down a demanding job, when she as a low functioning borderline will never ever be able to.

But yeah,  hilarious dillusions of power on her part.  She lives in a fantasy world and has these visions of how her life is going to work out that are just absolutely stupid.

I have been in therapy for two years. I do have an excellent therapist and have changed and grown so much. I think that is part of the reason she pushed me away. I got stronger and was no longer someone who she could control. She used to throw it in my face that she would leave me for a man... .we are both women.  Every time she cheated on me it was with a guy. Funny thing is when she pursued the relationship with me I had no desire to date a woman. But she pushed and pushed. I gave in and then she held leaving me for a man over my head the entire time we were together. Why even pursue me in the first place?  Why the effort? 

The hardest part is I miss the kids... .Her kids. And I know they miss me. I was the only stable balanced person in their life. I know they are not mine but I still miss them and wish I could be in their life... .even thou I know I can't.

I am starting to understand more and more that it is the disorder and not her. I find if I think about it this way I have an easier time processing the fact that she isn't going to get better. It's a disorder ... .it's hers for life... .She will not get better. I hope thinking about it this way helps give me the strength to move forward and detach completely.

Prepare for a no contact breaking campaign bro. I have been NC for 9 weeks. The first two weeks she was ok - a few texts that was all. Weeks 3 and until last week she has done every imaginable and unimaginable act available. I had to block her from every social media on earth. She even created fakes profiles and this week she ambushed me outside my house... .I knew the 'ambush' was her last resort and was prepared for it. You got to be prepared and anticipate what will happen.

At the start of the NC period I was also hoping on one hand that she 'd contact me and was ambivalent about the whole thing. If she didn't it meant she didn't care at all. So in a way I am pleased that she did what she did and I successfully blocked. Speaking of blocking it is the toughest thing to do but once you do it once it gets easier with time.

But seriously 9 weeks NC and I am feeling great! The 1 year rs ---> 1 month break up rule of thumb for recovery seems to have worked for me. I was with her for just over a year.

Good luck

Freedom... .She blocked me on FB. I defriended her as a way to move on. Then after her dwi when I didn't give her the support she wanted she totally blocked me. I believe it was to hurt me. Maybe it is for her so she can move on. But if you resent me so much why block me?  Why not just leave it at us being defriended?  I don't even begin to understand it.

I am prepared for her to reach out to me. Like I said I am scared if she does and scared if she doesn't. She has in the past gone over a month without contacting me so I really don't know what to expect.

We were together for six years so I am looking at 6 months... .uggh!  I can do it! 

Willtimeheal, You and I are in very similar situations. Mine blocked me last summer, but I tried to hold on to the relationship, even after she had a physical relationship with a man who flattered her newly emerging image of herself (she was pursuing a dream "lifestyle" change). Our relationship lasted 6 years too. I'm in the early days of NC, following almost a year of intense struggle, much abuse on her part, and unbelievable pain and suffering on mine. I finally "killed" it a few days ago, after she called me wanting to talk about how much she was going to miss her new bf after she moves to a different location to work for a few months.

Good moments, and many more bad moments for me. I'll feel lucky if I can get through 6 months of NC and get that much closer to the indifferent stage.

Everyone says this around here. But honesty I don't think that I'll ever talk to my ex again. I won't initiate anything with her. But it kind of makes me sad that I'll never get that call. I know that I don't need it. But what makes some of them make contact and some just disappear forever? Mine never talks to any of her ex's that I know about. Her ex's are just on a list of "prior guys". Now I'm on that list.

Maybe she's not BPD, maybe I am. This $hit is crazy. Everyone saying that they always come back is messing with my head. Obviously, some of them have to just move on and go from guy to guy and their independence/shame/guilt prevents them from trying to recycle... .

Flyingaway... .it's hard to believe we stayed as long as we did. I wanted so badly to believe that everything would work out. I wanted to believe she loved me as much as she said that I was willing to ignore all the lying abuse and cheating. So we both have to get to the six month mark... .we can do it... .we can make it to March.

Funny thing is as sad and blue as I get I do realize how much better my life is without her in it. I am no longer walking on eggshells, I am no longer worried about rages, I enjoy the time with my friends and family cuz I don't have to worry about her going crazy about me spending time with them. I don't have to worry about dealing with her being drunk or her dysfunctional family. My life is so much healthier and happier. But I still have bad days. We can do this.

Fred... .my therapist said she will most likely contact me again because she felt me attach to her. I didn't understand it at first but as he explained it I started to. I was the first person in her life that she could truly rely on. I was always there with anything she needed... .anything. She fully attached to me and honestly I fully attached to her and she felt it. That "feeling of attachment" is what keeps them coming back.

I guess ask yourself how strongly did she attach to you.  Maybe that will help.

Fred,  be happy you don't have to deal with it mate,  it ain't nice.

There are reasons some of them don't recontact. Could be the break was really extreme,  could be that she finds new supply easily,  could be many reasons.

Obviously not as strongly as I attached to her, which seems par for the course. However, she's just F'n gone. I guess that's a good thing. With everything I've read about BPD, I understand the process. But I still can't wrap my head around it. How can someone tell you "I love you" every day for 38 months and then won't even act like the care about you or give any closure. It's just nuts... .

You know, you're right. But just like everyone here, I just want to know that she gives a $hit about me to some extent. I have the feeling that if I died tomorrow that she wouldn't blink an eye. I know that after the way she treated me that I shouldn't care. But for some reason I do. I hope she's doing well. I hope she's happy. I can't "flip the switch" like that. I have my good days and I have my bad days. I'm trying to work on it. But there is nothing to work on. I'm just here... .

She can flip a switch like that because she has to.  Borderlines feel everything intensely, like the volume is turned up to 10 all the time, and in the beginning it was intensely good with you, until it was intensely bad, probably having nothing to do with you.  So if you were feeling things intensely your whole life, you'd find a way to shut it up somehow too; some borderlines off themselves because it's the only way left.

So focus on the part where you were the most awesome person in the world to her for a while, which you were.  Unfortunately it has to be temporary with someone with this disorder.  And enjoy that for what it was, discover what you did right and what you did wrong, and then go find someone who can sustainably reciprocate.  take care of you!

It is nuts Fred.  One of the last family things we did together was a concert. Her the kids and I all went to a concert. She text me the next day saying she loved me so much and I made her so happy, I was all she ever wanted.  And after that text I didn't hear from her for two weeks. I knew in my heart and mind a few weeks earlier she had started talking to some guy on FB. I knew during those silent two weeks she was chasing that. The night of the concert I was the love of her life the next day I was disposable.

Kind of the same deal here. I had Tesla tickets in Biloxi set up for July 17, it was a Thursday night. I got them 3-4 months before hand and she said that she wanted to go 3-4 months before hand. Then I planned for us go to New Orleans for the weekend. I spent $1500 on this trip pre paid. I knew she was cheating on me and I still took her on the trip. No thank you, no nothing.

Same thing happened here Willtimeheal. I defriended her about half way through the relationship and broke up. She was using Facebook to play mind games with me and get me jealous. After an audacious incident where she posted something extremely provocative on my wall (talk about breaking fb boundaries) I defriended her. Then she blocked me the next day. There was no reason to do this since we were not friends but I think she felt hurt and completely ashamed that I defriended her - think about shame and revenge when it comes to BPD, same thing probably with yours - e.g. in this case her relationship status went from in a relationship ---> nothing and who knowns what picture she was portraying to her friends about us. And when she felt so hurt and ashamed she 'd do anything to hurt me back. So in her mind blocking was something. After a few weeks she unblocked me - probably either to stalk me or be open to the possibility I might want to be friends again. Although I went back together with her for a few months more, I never went back being fb friends.

Now when I broke up for good with her a couple of months ago and although we are still not friends in fb she sent me a fb message. That's when I had to block her. Eventually she tried everything and blocked her eventually from everything after each try. Whatsapp --> blocked, Skype --> blocked, instagram -->blocked, viber --> blocked. The more you keep strict NC the more relentlessly they will try and break it. Last week she camped outside my house and ambushed me while I was on my way out with a friend for a few drinks. In my case I really think this is almost it. I think there might be one more try but that's it. Freedom is here for Freedom33... .Good luck with the NC. It only gets better. Trust me! Life is good again. You can definitely do it!

I can relate to this. In my situation, she wanted me to be a babysitter for her kids while she worked at a bar overnight. While she didn't succeed in getting me to this, she's got replacement #4 doing just that. She had to trap him by getting pregnant again but mission accomplished on her part. Countdown is on to the the inevitable disaster. I've got my popcorn ready :)

Today was an up and down day. A friend said she ran into her  over the weekend and she was all giddy. She said she was enjoying the time off from work. I had to laugh at that. She is off work due to a dwi. The place of employment doesn't want her around. Once the case is settled she will lose her job. It blows my mind that she is so lost in her fantasy world that she thinks this is a vacation. 

I know it shouldn't bother me but it does. The fact that she is so oblivious to the charges against her and the fact that she will lose her job. It is frightening to me that this is how disconnected from reality someone with BPD is. The scarier part is I was involved with this person for six years and part of me misses her!  Day 11 NC. Staying strong! 

On day 17 of NC. I have to say it's brutal. The past few days my mind has been all over the place. I miss her love her hate her. I wonder if she is thinking about me at all. I known the answer to that but I wonder. I wonder if there is truth to the rumors about a new person in her life. I am a mess.

What scares me is I begin to wonder if I am becoming like her?  I think about contacting the replacement and warning them that she is toxic. But the only reason I would do that is because then maybe she would want me again. And then I think I should look at her FB page or drive by her house... .this is not me. And I don't do it but it scares me that I have these thoughts. Am I a narcissist too?  Or is this normal in detaching?  I talking a lot about it in therapy and I am living and enjoy life but she is still in my mind interfering with my thoughts.

Hang in there, Willtimeheal. Remember me? We're in very similar situations, after 6 year relationships with pwBPD's. It's been 8 days of NC for me, and I have the same feelings of love, hate, and missing. I've wondered myself if I don't share BPD traits with her, but I know I don't. I am strong. I am loving, and I've been loved and respected by my family and friends (some of whom I've had since I was a child).

I read in one of the workshops here that in the anger stage it's not uncommon to want retribution, and I've had fantasies about contacting her new bf and telling him her backstory, which she is conveniently hiding from everyone in her new life, thousands of miles away. But he'll figure it out eventually, though I can't help hoping that there's lots of pain involved, either on her part or his.

What keeps me hanging on here is the deep awareness that even if she did contact me, it would eventually be painful--even more painful than it has been over the last many months. It NEVER gets better. You are strong. You are loving, and you will have love again. Healthy love, which you deserve. Remember that.

I get where you say you view the dysfunction (the dwi) and the response and are a bit stymied.  I watch how she is decompensating with my replacement and think I don't get it.   I arrogantly believe I am such a better fit but perhaps it was she served that purpose for me when she was mirroring.   Woke up in tears today. - 7 months and mostly better but the days that ate rough certainly are.  You mentioned you were wondering if she was thinking of you.  Do you believe she is?  When I was with my pwBPD, she mentioned her ex all the time.  She, at one point, mentioned she was resentful of the ghosts WE both brought in.  I thought it was interesting as I rarely mentioned my ex.  Projection is interesting.  Positive thoughts and prayers to you and I and all of us in our good and bad days.

I'm 6 months out of the r/s and 122 days of NC (imposed by me)

NC was the true commitment by me to detach, grieve and move on. I'm happy to report that things do improve as time passes... .it has become slowly softer and life has started to open up again.

This too shall pass... .

Thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot and help get me through the days ... .good and bad. 

Hawk... .I don't know if she is thinking about me. I would like to believe she misses me and thinks about me but I doubt it. She will tell common friends hat she is so happy and life is so great but I remember her telling me a year ago when we recycled that she "wasn't about to admit to these people that she was miserable."  So she told them how great life was but she was miserable. So who knows.

I do know that my quality of life improves when we are not together. No more egg shells no more worrying and I can focus on the things I enjoy. I actually get to live and have a life instead of every second being focused on her and her needs. Even though I know this I still wonder and wish at times. I am hopeful as time passes it will get better.

Hang in there Bro. Give it 8 weeks strict NC and start taking care of yourself. Just little things. Doesnt have to be big. The gesture to yourself counts. Make a schedule to go for a 5 min run every morning or 10 min meditation in the evening. Whatever - just something for you and then celebrate yourself. I guaranteee you will feel differently in 8 weeks. If it doesnt work you can always go back to her or into worrying or whatever else is available.

Day 19 NC. I have been taking care of myself. I have started running again and I joined a new fitness program at the gym. I look better than I ever have and physically I feel strong. Emotionally I go between sad and ok. I will get there. Like you guys all said these are the hardest weeks to push through. I need to remember the quality of my life has improved dramatically. I need to stay focused on me and push through. Thanks everyone.

A little confused today. She is posting all these quotes on FB that she has found Henderson of her dreams... .the one. Ya all know  the drill the replacement. Known him for two months and know chairperson is the one. Not to long ago I was the one. Anyways. She posted that and then two hours later I get a text saying "sometimes I miss you more"  What does that mean?  I haven't mentioned her name to anyone. I am not on FB. She has no idea how I feel no didn't respond and don't plan on it. I am on day 19 of NC and I am doing what is best for me. These frickin people have nerve.

NC IS THE BEST! Delete her number, block her.

The weekends are harder for me specifically because I envision her with another guy in my head.  During the week that's likely not going to happen because she works into the evening.  It's a crazy quirk in my head, but that's why the weekends are harder for me.

Ruminations.  They suck horribly. Getting better though. They will for you too.

That's good to know because they do suck horribly.   I'm only on day 1 of NC because we exchanged a couple of texts yesterday after going NC for a couple weeks.  I'm usually the one staying NC and she's usually the one contacting me either when she's just getting sober from one of her drinking binges or when she doesn't have a lot of narcissistic supply at any given time.   I just to not bite when she contacts me next time with her expressions of love and missing me... .Same song, same dance, same outcome if I give her the slightest bit of rejection.   I get turned from white to black in an instant... .then the cycle starts all over again.

Block her on everything dude. I did. Everything. Im trying to get strong before I do run into her as she coaches her and my sons volleyball team. Our boys are friends so some complications there... .lol

Ok so today I was  talking to my friend and I told her about the text I received yesterday from my ex... .I did not respond. Then later that night I received another text from a number incident recognize. It was from my ex... .It said hey here is my new number.  Why would I want her number?  I didn't respond.

Anyways while talking to my friend she said that my ex was still texting friends today from her old number. None of them have heard anything about a new number. What gives?  Any thoughts?  I do have to say my anxiety level is very high right now. My ex was arrested for a second dwi and in some how feel I am being played with or set up. She is apparently very happy with a new supply. Why can't she just leave me be. I hate this feeling.

A burner phone or the text for free app you can get on your Android or IPhone.  You get to pick the number on text for free.  You should call it from another number and see if VM is set up.  If not it will say it's a text for free number.

So Wednesday I got another text from my ex. It amazing how talented she is at the art of manipulation. If she put in as much time into fixing and working on herself that she does in manipulating others she might actually have a chance at a decent life.

Anyways she asked me to recommend a good oncologist because hers moved... .I suppose that is to make me believe she is ill. Then she stated that she knows I hate her... .I guess I was suppose to respond that I love her. And the final hit she wouldn't ask but she just wants to make sure she is her for her children... .playing the children card since she knows how much I love them. I didn't respond. And about 20 minutes after I didn't respond I got another text saying she found her old oncologist so never mind... .wow. that's all I can say... .wow.

I should be thankful mine doesnt contact me. I wish I could have one more kind word with her, but I dont think it would be a kind word. Infact it would be so counterproductive,  bad idea...

Today is day 30 of NC and it is a tough one. I find myself crying and missing her a lot. I made the major mistake of looking on her FB page. And while there is no replacement that I know of she had a post of how family was so wonderful last night and she spent it with the people who were with her at her lowest. It really bothered me. She recently got a dwi and she had already left me. So no I didn't bail her out. So I was considered not there for her. But her dysfunctional family said she did nothing wrong. The the cop was a jerk... .hello your an alcoholic and got caught!

Anyways the post hurt. We were together six years and I was always there. Thru all the lies cheating breakdowns suicide attempts arrests alcoholic rages abuse and all the hate. Went to all the kids games, tucked them in, held them and her when they were sick or sad. But yet that isn't even felt by her. She doesnt even know I exist. That was like knives straight thru the heart. To know her brother is getting all this praise when he is a huge reason we are apart ... .he couldn't handle we were both women... .he made her choose me or him. If he really loved her he would have given her a chance and her kids a chance for a decent non abusive life. But he couldn't handle being left in that dysfunction alone. No really reason for this post except to vent. Just real sad and lonely today. I miss my family. Hard day in recovery.

I feel your pain. Weeks 4-6 of NC were probably the toughest for me and around that time I have also done the mistake of looking at her Instagram then and although I didn't see anything triggering just the photos there they were triggerring. It must be a tough situation the one you are in right now. But at the same time you have done extremely well keeping NC and I sense you are already reaping the benefits from that. Keep strong and away and things will get better. Almost 3 months NC here and I am reborn. Good luck. You will be fine!

Well she posted a picture of her and her new boyfriend on FB last night. Funny I wonder if he knows she was a lesbian.  I have to say I got a rush of emotion and then the first thing thru my head was... .I am glad it is not me. 

Don't get me wrong I cried and was upset but it was like I was finally able to say to myself... .I am done!  I have mixed emotions now. I go from relief to anger to sadness. I am sure I will cycle thru them over and over. I am lonely and empty. And at times I am like that poor soul... .he doesn't know what he is in for.  Then I switch to its not my problem. Then I am angry and like I hope she burns in hell.

Does this mean I am healing?  I just want to move on and be myself again. I want to let it all go. Today I shredded every card and letter she wrote me and I packed up all her gifts. I cleaned out and I just want her gone from my life.

There's two schools of thought on Facebook: you can continue checking up on her until there's no emotional energy left, sounds like you're getting there, or you can eliminate the possibility of seeing anything she or he post, kind of like what you're doing with all the stuff she gave you, chucking it.  Whatever works.  I looked at my ex's page for about a week and saw post after post with veiled messages to me in them from her, with a cadre of fanboys liking and commenting, and it was clear I didn't need that in my life, so off she went.


I say we're either healing or we're repressing; if you're feeling strong emotions you're healing, and the point is to feel them all the way.  Plus, negative emotions are what pain leaving feels like.

Take care of you!

Thanks heal... .

I blocked her, her kids, and all her family members from FB. I think me seeing all of that on FB was enough to give me the push I needed... .to realized that I am done.  That I don't want to go back to that insanity.  That cycle.  That disorder. I am sure tomorrow or five minutes from now I might feel different but knowing she is feeding him the same sht she fed me makes me want to puke.  Knowing that she is having sex with him makes my stomach turn and I don't want to be near that dirty bitxh ever again.

Ok so I said yesterday if she was happy it was ok... .today I feel a little different. I can't get her out of my head. My anxiety is thru the roof and I have been having trouble sleeping the last few weeks. So today I feel that if her and her replacement got hit by a bus... .I would be ok with that.

All I have done this morning is cry. Day 32 and I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I know beating yourself up doesn't help but I am so angry at myself for allowing her back in and believing all the false promises. I am a fool and here I am alone and empty. What is wrong with me? 

Nothing wrong with you buddy. You are going through this the best way you can. The pain right around the month mark is the worse from my experience. It will end and it will feel so much better. Hang in there.

Nothing is wrong with you.  We have all been there and you want to believe because you're feelings are authentic.  Unfortunately they are authentic for a person who has a disorder and they don't understand what authentic even means in the chaotic world inside their head.