BPDFamily.com

We need to try and understand that these arent normal people we are dealing with.  After a lot of reading and educating myself about this disorder, I really think us NONs miss some really important parts into the nature of BPD.  I will use my experience as a brief example of what i mean by this:

A normal woman will test you, she will say things to make you jealous when she feels that you are pulling away from her.  A man will pass this test if he doesn't react to the woman, and acts like it doesn't bother him.  This is solely because normal woman want a Man that can emotionally stand strong no matter what is thrown at him, she also wants to see how easy it is to get his attention, so by not acting bothered about what shes saying means she will try even harder to get your attention.  Go and read about relationship coaching and you will find that men that dont react, make the woman try harder for his affection, in fear of losing him.  WHERE AS... .With a BPD it is the complete opposite of relationship Phycology, when she tries to make you jealous she is looking for signs you will abandon her, so by not reacting to her to show your a man, she will perceive it as he doesn't care any more and run, this has been from my own experience, they want you to beg and plead, take away the man and reveal the weak little boy inside you.  So in reality if you want to sustain your relationship with a BPD you need to almost act like a beta male, this within itself takes away our self esteem and destroys our ego for what its worth.

The second thing we tend to forget about is that this is an attachment disorder,  none of us on this forum can believe that he/she would downgrade so much with our replacement, but the reality here is that, they were brought up with drama, abuse, and most likely had a very poor family (not in all cases) My BPD always used to say i feel like a worthless piece of ___ next to you, she KNEW she wasn't on my level, so what am i getting at? We can all lagh at the downgrade but in their eyes they need someone who can relate to them in a twisted way, whether that comes in the form of physical abuse, future prospects, and maybe drugs/alcohol abuse.  

Any NORMAL woman wouldn't downgrade, well not on the level these woman do, but to them its not a downgrade its what they are used to, my ex went from me (degree, wealthy parents, money, a family that actually accepted her) to a guy thats just finished college (UK) doesnt have a job, lives with his mum in a small council house.  BPDs need to be in an environment that they feel more comfortable with drama, council house, struggling.  

we were all way to good for them in every way possible, so let them downgrade to someone below us in every aspect of life, and let 2 destructive people slowly destroy eachother.      

I don't believe that this is what healthy women want.  I think this is the beginning of a trauma bond!  Give them just enough to get them hooked and then pull away to make them chase you harder.  That is what desperate women may get hooked by but it's not healthy.  As a woman this behaviour would be a big red flag to me.

Bingo. It's immature behavior. This is expected from girls, not from grown women.

I agree with Pingo.  I think we read to many "dating tips" articles online.  I'm with a woman now who does not play games and who is a good partner.  When I was dating, especially looking online, I immediately dismissed any woman who played "chase" games or expected me to or whom I could tell had a chip on her shoulder about men.  Goodbye. 

You want to find someone "normal"?  Spend much less time thinking about this stuff and find someone you can be with emotionally eye-to-eye and be a partner with.  The rest is for people who love dysfunctional games.

Before she left, I remember my ex reading an article in a woman's magazine titled, "what to do and not do in relationships." I rolled my eyes and didn't comment because I knew it wasn't for me, but for her paramour. My thought was, "if you need to read largely recycled junk psychology out of a monthly rag on how to be a decent person, then there's no hope for you."

Agreed, a woman who behaves like this is - retarded.

Its part of the unhealthy thinking and acceptance on our behalf that led us into a relationship with a borderline in the first place.

Eliminate this, and learn what a healthy relationship is.

The borderline was an extreme example of a completely retarded woman and hopefully its taught us all, and made us hyper aware, of what kind of woman is to be avoided.

There's no need to use derogatory words on the mentally ill bungenstein. She's mentally ill and disordered. She's simply wired differently.


I don't buy downgrade. From my experience with the pwBPD in my life she lacks boundaries and doesn't respect boundaries. She wants to be enabled and parented and not face her trauma. It's not to say all people with BPD aren't seeking help and doing work in therapy.

She found another man in our marriage that lacks boundaries.

I'm fairly sure I'm not the first person on this forum to use a derogatory word against their ex abuser.

The "R" word? It's a derogatory and dehumanizing term.

I can't say many on the public boards have no.

I agree that it is an attachment disorder. A pwBPD lacks a sense a stable sense of self. A downgrade? I think it's about a person's boundaries.

I think this is hogwash. I think some of this behavior might happen in a normal relationship but it isn't done as a test. What I mean is that people in relationships are evaluating and re-evaluating things as the relationship progresses. I have tested the patience of guys that I have dated in the past. I don't feel that it was deliberate on my part. It was me feeling the entire range of emotions. If a guy is pulling away, it makes sense to ask but not pry. Deliberately saying things to make a guy jealous is immature and is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship.


I agree with this to a point. I know that in my relationship with my husband I get really annoyed because I cannot express or have a full range of emotions. In that regard, I would like a man that would be able to stand strong when I am feeling weak or having a bad day. If I get grumpy because it is that time of the month, I don't want to get in trouble or feel like I have to suppress my emotions. But, it goes both ways. I should be able to stand strong for my partner. It is about give and take and both people being emotionally strong enough on their own to support their partner wherever he or she may be. I know that one of the biggest hurdles over the years has been the expectation that I be strong enough to take care of my emotions as well as his. I wouldn't have gotten so worn down if he had been able to handle those times when I was feeling out of sorts. I think everybody loses it from time to time.


If I have to jump through hoops to get a man's attention, that attention is not worth having. If a woman tries too hard because she is afraid of losing a man, then I see that as a problem.


I see the whole idea of downgrading as a bit arrogant. Maybe somebody doesn't look as good as me on paper but that person might be a better fit for whatever reason. It isn't a contest.


I don't agree with this. Somebody with a degree with wealthy parents and money is not the be all end all. I have known plenty of people with money and degrees that I wouldn't have anything to do with because they do not have the same values as me. It isn't about upgrading or downgrading. It is about finding somebody that has similar values. I don't think all BPDs feed off drama. I think BPDs tend to create drama because they need things to be constant. My husband needs to be able to control and predict every little thing in his environment. His rages and weirdness are usually a result of something unexpected happening. That is why somebody that is in a relationship with a BPD feels like he/she is walking on eggshells. Being anything other than a robot can possibly trigger someone with BPD.

I see nothing wrong in using dehumanising terms against the person that dehumanised you, they may be disordered, but we have every right to feel angry, and feeling that anger is essential to heal and grow healthy.

These are people that have destroyed other peoples lives, and caused incredibly serious mental damage to a lot of people that's taken years away from them, and cost them in so many other uncountable ways. Serious stuff. But you're getting upset over a word I used to describe the behaviour of these people? Cmon... .It's like having a war film with no swearing.

Yes they are disordered, but they are still responsible for themselves, and we have every right to feel the feelings they have initiated in us and to let those feelings out, the 'R' word is nowhere near out of place given the extremities of acts that have been inflicted on us.

It's actually derogatory and dehumanizing to the people that have mental retardation. They are human beings and should not be compared to people with BPD. I have known people that have mental retardation. They are very sweet and wonderful people and I hate it when people use the R word as an insult. Just my two cents!

Ok well I apologise to the people with mental retardation if they happen to be reading this, I have nothing against mentally retarded people  |iiii

You could say "emotionally retarded" and that would tend to clear up the matter.

FWIW, I call BS on the original post, too.  What mature, emotionally healthy person deliberately makes someone jealous to test them? :/ 

And also... .my experience of folks with "wealthy parents" has been diametrically opposed to yours, evidently.  The worst, most sociopathic, entitled people I've known have come from wealth and status.  Just sayin'.


Amen.  I think you've just described a normal and healthy relationship.  Wonder what that feels like?