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Have been married for 14 years and have been dealing with my stepson for 14 years. He is 30 now, off meds living with us and spends most of his days playing xbox in his room and collecting SSI. Husband doesn't require anything of him at all.  SS and I have had a fairly good relationship, but feeling overwhelmed with the notion that he will live with us forever, I'm at a crossroads where I'm thinking I might leave marriage.  I do love my husband, but I can see the writing on the wall and not sure if I can handle 20 more years of this.  SS has attempted suicide 4 or 5 times, his manic episodes are mainly him staying up all night and talking non stop.  His biological mom never sees him and his friends have given up. I'm very tired. Any coping skills would be appreciated.

Hello Michampton,

*welcome*

No wonder you are tired - dealing with a person suffering from a mental illness is very demanding emotionally, psychologically and even physically... .

Has your stepson gone off meds recently? Is this something he did on his own or under dr. supervision? Do you fear another episode coming?

As far as him staying with you: have you had a chance to look at any other housing options? Since he is receiving SSI, he might be eligible for housing assistance also, if it's available where you live... .

Welcome again in this community of parents, and although this board is mainly set up for parents with children suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, I am sure there will be lots of resources here that you will find helpful for your situation also, together with the moral support from other fellow parents!

Is there a possibility for you to talk with a counselor to sort of work through your options and what you want? Like deciding whether you could be happy living with your husband with the ss in the house long term?

If you know what you want/can live with, then you can have conversations with your husband about them.

"I know you love your son, and I love you both, but I need to live under a different roof than ss. If that means I need to go, I'm sad and scared about that but I'm going to start looking for an apartment."

Or "I love you and your son, and I'm here for the long haul, but it's going to be really hard on me if he stays here. Are you willing to look at other options for him?"

Or... .something else that you (or you and a counselor) come up with?

It seems like if you are really feeling like it might come down to the ss or you, you'll want to have that conversation with your husband, preferably after you've sort of decided what you'll do if he says the son stays no matter what.

Self-care, self-care, self-care. Make plans so that you can get enough sleep, safety plans for his episodes, take time with friends or family, find ways to have dates with your h, if ss can't be left alone try to find adult day care or in home babysitters so you can go out. If h doesn't want to ask son to take on household chores, leave room for h to take on the extra responsibilities of cleaning up after him, etc. Don't be afraid to be a little selfish, these are h's choices and responsibilities.

I so appreciate all comments, unfortunately SS chose to go off meds himself and husband sees no problem with this.  I do feel like an episode is just around the corner.  Husband has a lot of guilt from trying to raise three children on his own but ineffective due to his alcoholism whic he recently got under control, two years sober.  Husband is a wonderful man but hates conflict or addressing SS. I have learned to live with SS with all the ups and downs.  I should have looked further into website didn't realize it was for borderline families. I have almost left several times over the years.  I have discussed SS living elsewhere but husband says he doesn't do well on his own and that's when he attempts suicide, trying to live on his own. I don't have a lot of options. Just knowing there are many in my situation helps tremendously.

This sounds familiar. I'm married to a good man, who is very conflict avoidant and walks on eggshells with his daughters. I think they remind him too much of his ex, and over 20 years of marriage she taught him that all emotional conversations were no win games that ended with him being a jerk or "emotionally unavailable". 

We have five kids between us, and right now my ss is living on his own and doing great, and my d20 is on a really good path toward being independent. And the other 3... .not so much. We were worried enough about how many kids would need our help that we bought a house with a MIL apartment attached to the garage to make it easier to provide help without having adult kids under foot. It wasn't our plan when we were house hunting to look for a MIL suite, but a lucky find.

I hope that you are able to work things out so that you are at peace with your choices, whatever you decide.