BPDFamily.com

My DD21 with BPD, binge eating and depression is starting to relapse. I now must find the words to say without sending her in to rage concerning Meds (or rather not taking any) and balance her need for independence. She's been college since August and doing fairly well.  But something has sent her down that path again. We just can't seem to make it past 4 months out of the hospital before a relapse occurs. Any suggestions on how to avoid a confrontation and still reach out to her? I am just feeling so discouraged.

Hello, Rlsmith2... .It's always really hard to see our kids in pain, self-destructing right before our very eyes. I think it's the hardest thing we deal with when our children have BPD: that feeling of powerlessness over their troubles. Have you had the chance to check out all the links to the right-hand side of this page yet? The TOOLS and THE LESSONS are very helpful in giving us insights into why our children are thinking and acting they way they are, and learning how to Listen with Empathy and Validate the Valid is one way to navigate the minefield you are referring to... .

I know that every single link on this page helped me with my BPD son, who is doing very well right now, actually--especially since I've learned how to not push every one of his buttons by using Validation and S.E.T. (they are taught at those links) while dealing with him. Here is an Article: Supporting a Child in Therapy for BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy) (whether they are in Therapy or not, actually) that gives so much wonderful information on how to avoid a confrontation and still reach out to her. These tips are in that Article:

When solving a family member’s problems:

a) involve the family member in identifying what needs to be done

b) ask whether the person can “do” what’s needed in the solution

c) ask whether they want you to help them “do” what’s needed. Problems are best tackled through open discussion in the family. Everyone needs to be part of the discussion.

People are most likely to do their part when they are asked for their participation and their views about the solution are respected. It is important to ask each family member whether he or she feels able to do the steps called for in the planned solution. By asking, you show recognition of how difficult the task may be for the other person. This goes hand in hand with acknowledging the difficulty of changing. You may feel a powerful urge to step in and help another family member. Your help may be appreciated or may be an unwanted intrusion. By asking if your help is wanted before you step in, your assistance is much less likely to be resented.



There is so much other information at that Article's link above, that I can't encourage you enough to not only check out the links to the right-hand side of this page, but also to check out that Article (can you tell that I think it is really helpful?   ). Please let us know what you think about all of this information, Rlsmith2, ask any questions you come up with about it, and tell us more of your situation so we can help, Okay? 

Hi, I've read the article about 10 times... and I am so worried I am going to mess it when I speak to her. I'll post later how this works out! I truly love this site!

Hello Rlsmith2, 


I know exactly how you feel! It is nerve wracking at first, but practice makes perfect and while we practice, we also mess up here and there - and that's really ok, Rlsmith2. Baby steps.

Do let us know how it went, we are here for you.

Hi,

I thought I had posted an update but perhaps I didn't. My conversation with my DD21 lasted 3-5 minutes. Basically she said she was fine and didn't need my help. So, I left it at that... there was no rage or anger. These are all good things. She seems to be doing fine, attending her college classes, therapy appointments, no rages, and involving herself in the house. We run 3 days a week and chat about normal stuff. I've also learned that I can't control her, nor is there anything that I could do that will cause her to harm herself.  I am prepared to step in but for now or should I say today she is fine.

I just let her know she is loved and love her right where she is at the moment.

rismith2

that seems to have all worked out. It is good that you run with her and you have the time to chat a bit and keep involved in her life. The fact she is in college must be a source of pride for you knowing that it is probably stressful at times for her but at the same time she has been given the opportunity to be independent. I know it is hard to stop the cycling but maybe she has matured enough to help herself.

Thank you for the update!

That sounds really positive for right now. Our steady and calm approach can add to the stability - too much obvious worrying and our child just may live up to the fears... .I think you handled this very well, and for now it's looking up.

Hi RLSmith2


That line should be sent to all on this site!   *)

May all the 'good things' continue for you.  :)

Sounds like you're doing an amazing job of 'being there' for her.  |iiii

I am learning so much from this board.  All being filed away in the memory bank for when I need it!

Thanks for sharing!