BPDFamily.com

After starting a thread on another board

(I can link it but you will have to be a member to view) -

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235505.0

I was thinking, if a person already had some issues of their own, perhaps via their upbringing which lead them to be emotionally abusive in relationships, perhaps unintentionally, what effect if any would a pwBPD have on them? Who would 'win' so to speak? A psychopath as I have read can crush a pwBPD but would a pwBPD be able to harm an already abusive partner? Could they be the mistake that opens their eyes to past actions they have taken towards others? Or would they be perfect for one another and thrive?

I've wondered that, but more about if a pwBPD was involved with a physically abusive partner. It seems to me that there are some guys that don't put up with the $hit that a chick with BPD might deal out. Some guys get their feelings or egos hurt and they'll beat the crap out of a chick. I'm not violent, and I wanted to reach out and strangle my ex a few times during the split, just because she kept "twisting the knife" and I didn't deserve it. I know that my ex was with a couple physically abusive guys in the past because she told me and she has the scars to prove it. However, with her devaluation and splitting she probably got what she deserved. Not to mention that her son told me that she physically started a couple altercations with his father. So I know that she wasn't an innocent victim like she acted like.

When I confronted her with cheating on me, she started raging on me. She was walking toward me and backing up. Waving her arms around like she was in some kind of rap video or something. Pointing her finger in my face and cussing at me. I thought she was going to jump on me or something. With all of the hateful and cruel thing she was saying, she actually had me crying at that point. I thought she was going to jump on me or something, and I asked her. "What? So now you want to hit me? Fine, go ahead". She got this strange look on her face for a second and said, "NO, I'm not gonna hit you". Then went to new supplys house to spend the night. That was some weird surreal $hit right there. I think that scarred me for life.

This happened to me. When i confronted her about one guy she had a full blown rage, somehow shocked and angry that i think she would be capable of doing that and with someone that was married to her friends no less. When i walked in on her with someone else, she swung at me for not wanting to talk to her. She really tried to say that she only did it because the guy offered her money which was a complete lie because i knew the guy and he showed me the messages she sent him that night.

My ex let slip on a few occasions that her ex, the father of her son, had beaten her up more than once. At the time I wanted to kick his ass. Now I understand him. He had 12 years of her darkness. I only had 5 and it certainly left its mark on me. Poor guy.

I don't agree with hitting chicks but I can kind of relate. Maybe mine learned her lesson and that's why she didn't hit me, or maybe she knew that I probably wouldn't fight back. Either way, I wonder what happens if she runs into the "wrong" one? I could literally see someone with the wrong personality killing a BPD over $hit like this. And the bad part about it is that the pwBPD doesn't seem to care what happens to them.

I believe that if you push your luck and get your ass handed to you then you probably deserved it. Gender shouldn't be a shield for mentally abusing someone.

Yes, but then you have felony charges and go to jail among other things. It's funny though, of all the times that she claims to have gotten her ass beat by a couple of her ex's. She never seems to have called the law on them. Very interesting!

That's the biggest reason not to do it. I have no moral objection with anyone getting beaten up, if they have genuinely asked for it. Not anyone. But by doing so one risks handing them an even bigger stick to hit you back with. Not worth it.

But what about emotional abuse guys?

Not all pwBPD are necessarily physically violent, there greatest weapon is usually their ability to emotionally manipulate, the old push and pull. If they unite with a partner who is abusive in the same way (whether with or without intention, though I think without intention is of more interest in this case) does it just become a stagnant tug of war? Or will one eventually conquer the other?

I would think that since they both lack a full sense of self that they wouldn't be able to mirror each other effectively in the idealization phase. The way I understand it, pwBPD are followers that need caretakers for attachment. If you have two people that are followers then they wouldn't get as attached to each other that deeply. And therefore would probably detach from one another and keep up the search for a more suitable partner. They are looking for certain traits in a victim. If I was like my uxBPD, we probably wouldn't have become attached to each other. Now, in the case of NPB they would just get tired of the BPD and bolt to the next victim. Just my opinion though.

My first BPD ex was certainly mentally abusive. About a year after we'd broken up she approached me in a night club when I was very drunk. She pressed her t#ts against me and said I was hot. I told her to get lost. She said something back, I said something and it escalated. She knew the buttons to push and pushed them until I slapped her. Next stop police. I was the worst abuser in the world and she was miss innocent. She's a woman so she could never be the abusive one, could she? Balls! I was a dumb #ssh#le to fall for her trick but that slap was nothing compared to the abuse she'd give me and I do not feel sorry for her. Not that anyone would listen to me at the time anyway. As man my account of HER abuse was worth just about nothing. That's just the way things are. Grin and bear it.

Yes, mental abuse is probably more common and sadistic than physical abuse.  

I know my replacement, and had the opportunity to observe her behavior in a relationship.  She is quite mean to her partners, even in public settings.  I felt badly for her SO's. Many were nice guys.  I believe she may have a PD, possibly NPD + ASPD.  She may be rock bottom for my ex. He is likely getting a dose of his own medicine with her.  Two abusive people together = ruin.

Abusive people have got problems of their own.  Might not be personality disordered but a TRULY abusive partner has certainly got something wrong with them and likely the relationship would just be nuclear.

You got a BPD chick playing all her games and a psycho guy beating her black and blue every two minutes.  Her splitting him and then coming back.

Eugh just imagine. Hell.

Shamefully let me admit this, i was in a 13 year rs with my exBPD gf. I raised my hand on her a few times. Not that to hit her but more to smack her on the thigh or hand. I never slap her or punch but only trying to held her away from me or pushed her away. For that, i regretted it and felt that I was not myself and seek theraphy for it being worried that these violence may escalate. I knew nothing about BPD. Untill the last theraphist/physchiatrist that treated me said to me, it was not me. Told me to leave her and stay NC. I was puzzled until he told me a story of his BPD ex.

she never called on the authorities on me but has threatened to leave me. Guilt trip me and I felt there was something wrong with me. Now out of the FOG, i can see why this drove me crazy, really crazy, crazier than her. The gaslighting and the lies that is creating all these. After the final b/u, i went to the police myself and brought along my T with me and ask if I am wrong and would like to turn myself in. I was told that is wrong by law and should avoid any contact with my ex because the law doesnt see it in a way of a mental illness. The police told me to go home instead.

They can drive you to do anything, i tried among many thing... .put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger, loaded but the cartridge did not went off, i stick a kitchen knife into my chin 3" into to proof i love her. Many small cuts and head banging onto the brickwall, all i did that to myself.

My own answer is this: Emotionally unhealthy people have emotionally unhealthy relationships.

Can emotionally unhealthy people stay in a relationship for a long time? Yes. It doesn't make it a good or healthy relationship.

I think this is it in a nut shell. It does pose another question, for me though, since the relationship could essentially fulfill it's purpose for both persons involved... .would they ever actually look at their relationship objectively and say 'this is not a good relationship'? Or would they be more likely to live in a dream that it is 'good', 'normal', 'healthy'? By which case, would they be happy regardless?

Don't feel bad. I never envisoned myself raising a hand at a woman until i met the BPDx. It's very difficult to control yourself when you have a someone pushing, shoving, punching you and doing whatever they can to get you riled up.

my ex tried her best one night to get me to hit her. I came close.

Hi Rise,

You are so correct. My exBPDbf dumped me and went back to his longtime partner of 26 years. She is twelve years his senior. Is also BPD or possibly NPD. Violent. Alcoholic. Has broken his nose.

Not good or healthy on any level. I guess it was a more comfortable environment for him. He went back to the person that would stay up all night and drink with him. Saw a picture of the two of them recently. Not pretty. I believe what they both are on the inside is starting to show on the outside.

L. 

To be honest if it wasn't so culturally taboo to slap a girl I don't think I would have gotten as hurt as I did.