BPDFamily.com

Today, she was bemoaning her lot in life and was telling me how unfair her life it because, "Everytime things start going well for me or I start making progress in life, I get really sick."

I had to bite my tongue VERY hard.  Sometimes I just want to take her shoulders, shake her and try to get some sense into her.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that she starts going to the individual therapy she was talking about.

This latest round of sickness (6 weeks of mystery vertigo) and will end up costing me over a thousand dollars once all the treatments and tests are done.  She's convinced it's MS and I think she's actually hopes she has it.

I found that when I left my partner to deal with their own issues and stopped 'rescuing' then they got better... .Maybe worth a try.

Not sure why I find this amusing, but perceived illness is very common.  Or it is an excuse for attention or to not do something they don't want to do.  It becomes very hard to feel compassion when it is necessary when barraged with constant complaints of headache, stomachache, joint pain or whatever. My wife does have very real migraines but the constant complaints of headache over 10 years makes it very hard to feel like they are all real, especially when they only show up at very inopportune times.  The migraines are a medical emergency for sure and we have taken her to the hospital several times.

My wife has self diagnosed dozens of medical disorders almost all of which were totally unrealistic. It's sad to think you can manipulate the situation so simply yet form barriers in those you trust at the same time.

I do feel bad for her, but I am so burned out on the constant caretaking.  At this point I have to drive her everywhere on top of all the other stuff I've already been doing.

She knows how fed up I am, she told me to please believe her she is not faking her illness to avoid getting a job.  I told her of course I don't think she's faking it.  I do think it's highly possible that she's getting physically ill due to an (undiagnosed) mental illness, but if I voiced that opinion I would be shut out completely.

I'm going to try to assist her to get an official diagnosis (nondiagnosis if my suspicions are correct) and hopefully she will get the mental health help I have nudged her towards.  She has a great love of 'alternative' medicine because there is no accountability and she can just waste my money on her chinese herbs, spinal alignments and acupuncture. UGH.

I just try not to think and stew and build too much resentment about it.  Hard work, but I'm doing ok.  Live my life for myself, stay healthy and keep my option to divorce open if necessary.

Can you imagine what life would be with a healthy partner. I am trying to do this

My exwife told me she had been diagnosed with ME. I spent nearly three years running around after her. Doing a full time job and looking after the kids including all school runs, meals and housework. I was knackered. Now she has a miraculous recovery and is able to do fun runs.

Its true that we enable this behaviour but I also think there is a lot of truth to their ailments. I think it is down to hormone imbalance and stress. Cortisol will give a lot of the conditions being complained about.

Funnily enough, several doctors have told her to work on her stress.  She likes to remind me of that anytime I start conversations she doesn't like or I argue with her about things.  She basically implies that I am supposed to avoid these sensitive and disagreeable topics because they just contribute to her stress levels.

I'm very frustrated and having a hard time accepting her and letting go of resentment these past couple of days.

Hi adventurer

Unfortunately keeping their stress down is virtually impossible unless they get succesful therapy. The problem is most of the stress is self induced. My exs could make mountains out of mole hills. In fact they didnt need a mole hill they could do it with a hole.

What is difficult is the fact that when they have a go at you for something it could be something completely different and unrelated to you.

What might help is having a look at reducing cortisol tecniques. There are some simple things that are sensible for being healthy. Such as reducing caffeine, taking hot baths, listening to music, dancing. Another thing I think might be a good idea is organic vegetables. Ive not seen any evidence with BPD in mind but the pesticides used contain estrogen and other hormones. If your wife is anything like my exs then that time of month could be a nightmare . Also during pregnancy when estrogen is also elevated they kicked up a gear in their behaviour.

Just a thought.

Same with my ex. So much self-induced, illness-driven stress and anxiety. Any suggestions from me, however, were interpreted negatively -- I was either calling her a liar, criticizing her, being an unsupportive partner, lacking the ability to be empathetic -- even autistic!

Yet -- she pretty much lived on caffeine, soy milk, cookies, cake, candy and junk food. One of her fave throw-together meals was corn chips and canned bean dip.

But there's no way her diet could be related to her chronic asthma, headaches, nausea, high BP, skin breakouts... .~sigh~

You know, as much as I feel guilty about saying it, in the end, I was continually nagged by the thought of how different life would be with someone who actually took care of themselves. Just sad.