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My mother dismisses any criticism that I or another child-free/childless adult makes about her past parenting decisions (abuse). But whenever she's sensed scrutiny from another parent, she'd go off the deep end in private to/at me and/or my en-dad.

I theorize that BPD parents, especially mothers, think it logical to haughtily dismiss criticism from a child-free/childless adult but cannot tolerate/process such criticism from a fellow parent; so they fly into a rage--even a more vehement one than the "norm"--when faced with the truth of their abusive behavior.

Presently, my mother claims to be on anti-anxiety meds., which may be true; recently, she teetered on the edge of a rage when recollecting the night that the mother of one of my classmates confronted her about her abuse of me that occurred at my b-day party but didn't go into a bona-fide rage. Still, her angry reaction to that mother's now 28-year-old accusation is my only proof that, on some level, she knows that her behavior on that particular night counts as abuse. *sigh*

Jenk

I don't recall my mother ever being directly confronted by another parent, but if she saw a report on TV or anything that criticised her form of parenting, she would use a relativistic approach by saying that in other cultures they do things this way or that way and since all of us turned out relatively okay, she sees that as proof that she did things right.

Hi Jenk,


I don't recall my mother ever being confronted by another parent about her parenting. I come from a generation where no one challenged a parents' authority or prerogative in how to raise their children. My mom was also very reclusive. She didn't engage in PTA meetings or any school activities. However, my mother was sensitive to everything. She could draw out of a statement the most ridiculous conclusion, that I would feel absolutely nuts by the end of her rant. She would at times become the waif and cry to us kids about what a terrible parent she was, only to elicit sympathy from us and assurance that she was a wonderful parent.  

I wonder if your mother felt the need to unload her problems on you concerning other matters as well. This is not uncommon for BPDmoms. They have no boundaries, and can see their children as their partners. Really crazy stuff, and a terrible burden for the child.

Where are you now in the relationship with mom? Does she still unburden herself to you? Do you have a support system or therapist to help you process this?

Wishing you all the best!

Peace and blessings.  :)

I learned about BPD 6 years ago purely by accident. Of course, it was a light-bulb moment for me, standing there in Barnes & Noble as I read the behavioral symptoms of the disorder.

During this 6-year period, I had 4 years of no-contact with my mother (and, by extension, my en-dad, who goes MIA whenever she and I don't talk). We're back to having contact, but I don't push things; I can only handle seeing her every several months, so that's the pace that I've set.

I don't think she has much of a chance to unburden herself onto me, but she does still defend some of her outlandish "parenting" decisions. In fact, she's like a broken record. I've corrected her numerous times in the past--as an adult--and she often agreed with my vantage point at the time; then, if the same topic comes back up a few years later, she reverts to the same, broken logic--defending crappy "parenting" decisions--as if we've never worked through the issues before. *sigh*

Five years ago, I was in therapy--for about 5 months, until my health insurance coverage stopped including mental-health services. (I've been told that coverage should start again in 2015; you can be sure that I'll have my backside back in a T's chair as soon as that's the case.)

Jenk

Hi Jenk,

Glad to know that you will be able to see a therapist soon! I can relate to the BPD agreeing with you one minute and then denying they said it the next. My uBPDmom completely denies so many things that she once told us kids. Things that were shocking about our father and her own heinous actions. I found that there was no need to revisit anything with her, because she had a twisted view of the world. I have been NC for a long time, but I imagine if I contacted her today and brought up some of the things she said and did in the past, she would deny them or blame me for them. It is just the state of mind of a BPD.


Stay strong and keep posting!

Peace and blessings.  :)

It's what I call "the Pivot Effect." You catch them in twisted/torqued detail--i.e., a lie--about the past, and the story changes (pivots); you catch them on the same thing later, and the story may revert to the previous lie or, just for more "excitement" (for us), it's altered yet again (pivot!).

Still, even knowing what I do about BPD, it's hard for me to wrap my brain around the ways in which my mother can view past situations. At age 62--27 years after another bad decision/rare public display that she made--she still repeats a ridiculous idea that she should've carried out during that situation, to which I was a witness. And to this day, I must remind her that if she'd carried out what she "should've done," she'd have been the one arrested. We've had this conversation several times; what I tell her *NEVER* sticks and is maddening--no matter how much I care to understand BPD. 

Jenk

All the time and she was the martyr and always under attack from parents and she did so much more than they do... .her and my aunt both have BPD and they went at it with one another.