BPDFamily.com

My wife has been giving me the silent treatment for a month now after 2 months of really good progress (where she admitted to BPD and NPD), preceded by 6 months of rage.

I'm stuggling to know what to do. I hoped we were on an upward path, but she now says she wants to divorce, she's seen a lawyer and tells all our friends that she's decided on divorce. People are frankly tired of her playing this game.

This is the 26th divorce threat in 10 months and I'm not entertaining this any more. There are three kids being pulled through a hedge backwards.

I scheduled one mediation appointment which she said she could not attend. I'm going to schedule another next week. If she cries off again I'm not sure what to do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated?

Mediation?  For what?

Why should you schedule it?  Why not let her if she wants it?

Divorce threats suck... I get them all the time.  I decided I would participate in no action or conversation about the end of our marriage.

Most of the time pwBPD want to be a victim and get the other party to initiate the divorce... .so... .don't give them what they want.

If their choice is divorce... .then it is their actions that need to be followed through on.

Make her own the divorce... .is she wants it... .don't cave.

X2!  I get the divorce threat quite frequently, it used to really scare me - not anymore.  Now, my response is simply that I do not want a divorce, but it is her choice, her decision, and she will need to deal with the consequences.  That puts the ball back in her court... .for a little while.

There's no communication formflier.  We had a little accident on monday. She slammed the front door on me, I put my hand up to stop it, and my palm went through the glass pane. 4 stitches to my hand later and she's claiming I punched the glass out. It's getting pretty ugly now. The kids saw it and my blood everywhere :-(

I didn't know why she was angry, but later found out she hacked my email and read what i was discussing with a friend about BPD.

I left the house. Big mistake in hindsight, because I'm out now and not with the kids. I know you make a point never to leave when yours tries to force you out. OK made a mistake. Next time... .if there is a next time.

Then she went to a lawyer on wednesday. She told me ". She's decided on divorce and her lawyer wants to know if I'm open to an amicable divorce through mediation". I said, if that's what you choose then "Yes, I am". I feel I need to call her bluff. So I scheduled a mediation for today, which she declined. She now says she'll let me know when it's happening. In the meantime the kids are traumatised and giving her a hard time for kicking me out. I'm desperate to get help for them so will schedule some counselling for them next week.

X2 I did the same. I said that's not what I want, but I need to have some communication and agreement around the children and perhaps a mediator can get some structure to the mess. At the moment she is using them as pawns in a power game.

Its bizarrre, for 8 weeks this marriage was all on again (she admitted her BPD and NPD), we were building on the momentum and then, CRASH!

 

Hang in there... .  

Thanks. I'm trying.

3 steps forward.  2 steps back. Is still a nett gain.  Lol

Hi Moselle.  I just want to pop in and tell you that I have been thinking about you and wondering how things are going.  How are you holding up?

I hope you hand heals quickly. 

Hang in there. Sometimes all we can do is tread water and wait for the next opportunity.

Thanks all,

I'm back in the house. I've been spreading the warm sunlight of truth about the abuse to strategically placed friends and neighbours. I was surprised that some of them came back saying "Actually we know, and most of us are tired of her stories about you." Wow, that was a surprise.

W made lunch for me today, and I went in to the kitchen to ask if I could help. And she said "Yes, you can help. Stop telling people that I'm mad". I didn't even look at her, turned on my heels, walked out the kitchen, and went next door to chat to the neighbour. I came back 30 minutes later and she was right as rain.

I also spent a full saturday with my girls yesterday. We hung out, watched a game of rugby and then went for ice creams.

My eldest was showing signs of real anxiety and sadness. I took her aside and did a bit of Amby on her. She was able to switch her mood from depressed to balanced and we just relaxed. It was great.

Good on you bro. Enjoy the times things go right.

 

Good... .glad you are back in house.

Take a breather... .and then when you get a chance... .lay out your plan for the next week or so.

Where do you go from here.

I am an adult child of a mother with BPD. My parents are both 60 and have had a tumultuous relationship their entire marriage. I can unequivocally say I wish my father had grown a backbone years ago and left my mother. Regardless of who initiates the divorce she will find a way to be the victim. My mother is getting ready to leave my father for the 2nd time in 7 months (she moved across country for a few months before coming back).She says she's moving bc my dad isn't talking to her or sleeping with her and you can't have a marriage if only one person wants it. She omitted saying he's not talking to her bc she want him to move too.  They have moved 6 times in the last 4 years alone and my father told her before she came back the last time that he wasn't moving again.  I know this is not identical to your situation but I just wanted to give you some perspective as a child growing up in that environment and what I see my dad go through on a daily basis.  Good luck to you and your kids.

Moselle,

Do you have a therapist to help you work through this process?

Have you talked to an experienced divorce attorney?

Thanks Formflier. I've kitted out my 7 seater German SUV as my command module Nickname "Gravitas'. I drive it to, and do business from the most beautiful places in Cape Town and enjoy my plush airconditioned mobile office. Laptop, internet and phone in the middle seats - like a limosine with darkened windows. Portable fridge. with what ever I want to eat or drink, and I conduct my business from it. I can even sleep in it. I had it cleaned immaculately today and is my calm place in the storm. I can leave for a week if I want to, and be fully contained. This was important to create my own space which it immaculately maintained and organised to the last shirt, pants and suit therein.  do my washing every monday at home and retreat to 'Gravitas', wherever I need to. I play my faviourite music loud, and I am myself in wisemind. So first objective is get me secure and functioning, in a space that is mine.

Next step, to get and agreement by family counsellor that peace will reign for the next 5 weeks while the children gear up for exams. I've scheduled the appointment, but haven't yet invited W. Not sure whether to involve or give her the opportunity to make a scene.


Thanks Harri. I pulled he stitches too soon 7 days, should have been 10 because the wound opened up again. See above objective is to get the kids before someone where ht\\the family can agree not to argue for the next 5 weeks while exams go ahead


I can sense a similar dynamic, just different situations. Thanks for sharing. It is a difficult time.


Yep I have one clever laywer and one who is shrewd. They can argue it out about what to do. I listen and decide what's best for me.

Also have a fantastic therapist