BPDFamily.com

Those that find it very difficult detaching and seeing just how nothing the borderlines are, romanticise them, because it keeps the fantasy alive, just like religious and spiritual people romanticise about gods, myths, and irrational beliefs, it makes life more interesting to someone with an empty life. A better idea is to fill up your life is with real people and real experiences that will have a far greater impact on you than make believe, the latter is cowardly way to live, and self sacrificial way to live, don't short change yourselves out of fear. Borderlines have no idea who they are, they are totally synthetic, and see no point to life, those are not qualities that would delve into the brain of a healthy individual and make them feel swept up to the heavens in incandescent light. Only someone that has rejected reality will trick themselves into believing the masquerade of this being who is essentially DEAD.

We have a lot of broken hearts here, bungenstein.  But not everyone is suffering the same loss or walking the same recovery path.  Not everyone is living with the same belief system or faith.  Not everyone is coming from the same emotional stability or maturity.  We're all brothers here to learn to grieve a significant loss in or life and to learn better life skills for the future.

Members have shared these losses with me in the last few weeks... .

She saw my real value and appreciated me for who I was.

She was all the girls that wouldn't give me the time of day when I was in school

She was a return to my own youth - a chance to be young again

It was the family that I never started on my own.  I loved the kids.

It was a rebirth of passion that I thought I had lost forever.

It was a life I always wanted to live.

He was my soulmate - he made me feel like god's gift to men.

It was a culture and a way of life I always wanted to be a part of.

Best sex of my life.  Wow.

It's not always obvious what we lost - often we have the feeling of the loss but it takes some time to put or hands on it.  But it is very real.

What was your loss (anyone)?

I lost my family.

"She was a return to my own youth - a chance to be young again"

And a second chance... .

My ex was my first love 20 years ago. She was the one that got away, I always regretted losing her because what if... .?

And, I never fell completely out of love with her. Or her me, by what she said. She is terminally ill (for real), maybe ten or fifteen years left to live. She came back at the beginning of 2013 and it was to be her chance to spend her last days with the man she had always loved and had always regretted losing. I was going to die with her. Not let her die alone. Side by side.

How's that for story book? All real. Maybe her words were too... .

Her last words to me before I threatened to press charges were "just know I really did love you and always have. Goodbye". Sometimes I feel like a monster.

By the way, my nickname for her was "Faerie Princess". Thats what made me look at this thread. The title.

Need a hanky?

What was my loss?  That is a great question. It's been about 13 months of NC and I am past the point of wanting to reconnect with her in any way. I see clearly now how damaged, manipulative, abusive and selfish she was. It no longer hurts that she effectively used me as I was pouring every ounce of my being into what I thought was "us". I have moved on with my life in many ways but at times when I am triggered I still crave something about "her".

Its so strange because I would not give her the time of day if she tried to contact me, yet the pain of my "loss" can be so accute at times. I can't put my finger on what it is though. Was it the need to take care of her?  Was it the undivided attention she would give me when we were together?  Was it the fact that no matter what I did or how I acted it was never going to be enough?  It was all of these things at some point during my recovery.

If I had to name the biggest loss for me it has to be the way I felt when I was with her after I was in her hooks. I felt so "in love" that it was too good to be true. Truly intoxicating. I lost myself by giving my entire being to her. I was exposed for the first time in my life and it felt so liberating. I felt like she needed me (and only me) to survive and I was the luckiest person on Earth. Then betrayal struck. How was this possible? The false narcissism that I built up inside crumbled in a moments notice and has not been seen since. Today it can be difficult dating because my false reality has set the bar so high. I am aware that it wasn't healthy and logically a more steady, stable relationship will last much longer. I just need to let my mind catch up with my logic. It's a slow process but it's worth the wait!

The relationship between a codependent and borderline is a dangerous cocktail for codependents. It's a double edged sword. The pain of loss and hitting rock bottom is one of the hardest things anyone will ever have to endure. It is also an opportunity to free ourselves from the childhood experiences that lead us deep into a toxic partnership. Embrace both sides and in time you will emerge pain free and loving the most important person in your life, yourself.

I lost my daughter... .But I agree they aren't that great. They are just fast talkers. But, best sex ever lol.

I lost a woman who made me feel wanted... .for a short while anyway

This is a damn good question my knee jerk reaction is to bash my ex to be honest due to the fact that I'm still dealing with a great deal of trauma from the whole experience. Mine wasn't initially on par with my standards in the looks department or even the bedroom like everyone else says. I also have never felt like I had to re applying boundaries this much ever in a relationship in my entire life. I think I'd have to then agree a bit with Blim blam that she connected with my inner child and kinda released it. Even that answer seems to not just fit right I just cant seem to put my finger on it. Maybe the idealization but I don't know it's just a certain something that I loved about my ex and at the same time was extremely repulsed by. Lying manipulation and raging were not part of my favorites but the love I had for her was so strong. I just want her out of my mind thats all I know. They are no bueno for anyones health and well being. The art of seduction thing I can kinda agree with but not too much. I can think of experiences I've had with healthier women that were way more seductive. They're game gets tired real fast so I'm not sure how seducing that really is. I will say they are very good at creating trauma. Of course if your traumatized by something it will be on your mind alot.

I'm sorry Turkish.

No problem, BB, I found BPD Family

Though I lost almost half time access to my kids, what I gained is that I can focus on D2 and S4 without my attention being split by D32. Also important is being able to focus on my inner S42  

So through the process of pain on many levels, I am gaining peace...

I'm feeling a sense of loss today as well... .

Here is what I lost:

The first person who saw through me, and saw my pain.  He broke through my defenses and showed me vulnerability, kindness, gentleness, comfort, sensuality and affection.  Prior to meeting him, I rejected all these things as signs of weakness.  It seems impossible that I can find (accept?) these with someone else.

Very well said, thanks for saying this!

In my case (and for many others here too) she's the mother of my child as well.

For me personally, this means that we'll always share this special bond (among others) even when I've been rejected and thrown away.

I will try to visualize myself and then her, as whole.

This isn't easy at all (triggers a bunch of very complex feelings), but for me, acknowledging the bond has a healing aspect as well.

Working on it (from afar! haha)

Peace, love, and healing to you all.

Wrote this a week ago. Still feel the same. Its funny, I will glaze over sometimes and think of her and how she hugged my arm and put her head on my shoulder as we walked or drove. I never felt so loved. But it was all a great big joke. One that I will probably never fully recover from. Now my replacement gets to be the loved and wanted, while I try and figure out my life. I cant begin to try and explain how I feel, but theres no need really, as you all have been or are here to. Oh please when does this get any better? Im so broken hearted by what happened and how quickly I was replaced. I know everyone asks it, but why do they not even care about us anymore?

Very good post. Some similarities with my time with my ex

I lost my heart

I lost everything I built over 7 years, family, marriage, friends and a bankruptcy.

My ex-wife is a person with feelings and she is sick. The mother to my children. Their love for her is unconditional. She is an adult accountable for her actions.

If I were given a choice of having BPD or not, would I choose to be disordered? No. I would hope to find compassionate people and not be alienated.

In the beginning I thought my loss was the love of my life, the person who didn't let me make poor choices, the person who kept me in line.

What I later learned is that the only thing I lost was the ability to be controled, manipulated, a few nice things, and the feeling of being alone in a loveless marriage.

It was a long journey but more than what I lost, what I gained was far more important. Working on me, getting to a place where I was co-dependent, self respect, confidence and knowing that I don't need a man to do anything in life because I can do it on my own. I learned to rely on myself and be the best for me and the kids, not anyone else.

I hope others have been or will be able to see that no matter what the loss was, the gains can be just as important.

After 18 months+ out of my 3 year relationship, I can say with firm conviction, that the gift of the relationship is the loss of the person you were before, and the emergence and liberation of the person you were meant to be  :)

This!

This is what I believe, and now feel, 10 months out of it. I feel like a different person, and trust me, a much better person, the person I should have been before I met her. I feel like someone's ignited the jets on my feet, I feel like I will keep growing now, having previously been as close to bottom as I had ever been in my life a few months ago.

By the way, I didn't start this topic, my initial post was a reply on another thread, the site director seems to have used it to start this thread, and I'm not sure why.

What's my loss?

With him, initially, I lost myself in a whirlwind of idealisation - swept away by the power of the 'love' and admiration he showered upon me. I lost my own deep sense of reality, allowing him to carry me along with his fantasy world - as strange as it initially did seem.

Over the course of our two years, I lost my inner peace - my ease, my enjoyment in little things, my sense of 'everything is ok with the world', such was the damaging effect of his dramas and twisted, damaging logic. I lost my inner calmness. 

I lost time - or so I thought.

I lost the dream that I'd actually, finally, met the one who I was 'meant' to be with.

And as I've been scraping myself up off the floor since it ended just 2 months ago, I've realised I've lost (though I hope only temporarily) the inner trust in others that I have ALWAYS had.

Men and getting close scared me - for the first time EVER, and this made me sadder than I've ever been. 

BUT - I am coming to realise that in order to function in a normal, calm, non BPD relationship, I HAD to journey this road - I had to feel the sting, I had to see the idealisation crash and burn to really believe that it wasn't real and not something I should search for in my next relationships.

I feel burned and dented, but not written off. He's changed me and I've lost a lot of innocence - but then, maybe that's the best thing to have come out of all of the BS.

I lost myself - only to find a stronger, more aware me.

I lost myself only to find me again.

Thank you exBPD - you've just given me the best leg up into a mutually pleasing relationship I'll ever get.

I lost my family

Lost my daughter in the process due to exw. And have no believe in ever seeing her again!

Lost my life I build with great devotion for "us"/my family in 30+ yrs.

So lost all the most precious of my life.

Lost my financial secure future. From a mortgage free house to a mortgage 2.5 x higher than it ever was and no retirement funds left

I lost my kids. They were hers but I loved them like my own. I miss them.

I lost myself.

I also lost all of my hopes and dreams. I had such high hopes all of those years ago when I married my husband. It is actually a bit ironic because I was engaged to a guy well before I ever met my husband. My family raised ten kinds of hell to keep me from marrying that guy. They told me that the guy was controlling and would ruin my life. They were so afraid that if I stayed with that guy I would end up spending the rest of my life barefoot and pregnant and would be trapped at home. They never really saw any issues with my husband. They gave their blessings to our relationship. The funniest part of it all is that I feel like I became my husband's prisoner. I tried really hard to hold on to my sanity by working from home but it was really, really difficult.

Oh, and I lost my self respect.

For those that read responses by me, please bear with me. I'm aware I sound like a broken record.

I empathize and relate to everything you say about your ex. But your loss in her, isn't really about her.  It's about losing yourself. Chances are you were not whole before you met this person and the way she made you feel in the early part of the relationship was something you never felt before. It wasn't her though, it was the way she made YOU feel about YOURSELF that is so painful to lose. Most people don't see this because we focus everything on them, even after the relationship. When your self esteem is low, when your self worth is not healthy, when you are not a whole person, you may not be aware of it. The reasons may date back to your infancy or toddler years. Regardless, the impression is laid so early how could you know you were afflicted with deficits in these areas if it's all you've ever known?

The reason BPD' target codependents, the reason we are their perfect victim, the reason the honeymoon/seduction period feels so good has nothing to do with them. The BPD is more real than ever at the END of the relationship not the BEGINNING. So why then do we miss this period so much? Why do we endure so much nonsense? Why is this their pattern? Why is it so affective? Why is this their strategy to "hook" us? And why does it hurt so bad when it's over?

The truth is, when you do not have a healthy self worth from within, you aren't whole. You probably view your life between relationships, or before you met her as dull, lifeless. She made you feel alive. She awakened you. The truth is, we aren't whole. We have major deficits in self esteem, and self worth. When we meet them, they place us on a pedestal. They tell us amazing things. They initiate our fixer and rescue genes into action and we help solve their problems and focus our attention on them. But why? It's because without a true healthy view of yourself from within, we derive our self worth from the way they view us in the early phases of the relationship. You are the best! You are amazing! You helped me! You saved me! You are the best lover! and on and on. They essentially fill all of our self deficits and make us whole. For the first time we feel whole. We feel worthwhile. We feel powerful. We feel loved. We feel like we are adored and this is the drug that hooks us. It has nothing to do with the person with BPD. We don't miss them. We simply miss the way they made us feel about ourselves. That's in essence is the mirroring phase. That is why we are the perfect target. They instinctively see our wounds, and they fill each one. Like a computer in sleep mode we burst into life when they "turn us on" we go through life in search of something but we can never identify exactly what it is because it's been there for so long. It's not them. God knows we see them for who they are eventually. It's the way they made us feel in the beginning that hooks us. And what is more painful than having the person who made you feel whole for the first time betraying us? That feeling in the beginning was the feeling of having your self worth deficits filled. It hooks us like a drug. It feels "right" we instinctively "trust" and our guard drops. How incredibly painful it is then, when the very person who made us feel like a complete person for the first time begins to lie, cheat, shun, ignore, and rage at us? As people who derive our self worth from others view of us, we are hooked now to a person who is emotionally abusing us. That is incredibly powerful and damaging. It takes those euphoric feelings of being complete for the first time and obliterates your self worth to a point that is lower than before you even met them. And what's worse, we've already let them in so we view their abuse as valid.

Building a healthy self worth and self esteem means identifying core values and therefore intrinsic boundaries. When we don't need to reinforce our self worth through the response of other people, suddenly things change. There is a reason people who have healthy levels of self worth don't become targets. They know who they are. They know what their values are. When someone violates these values they leave. The love bombing does not work on them because they have healthy levels of self esteem from within, therefore the intoxicating way they put us on a pedestal doesn't have the same affect.

Chances are because you (as a codependent) even to this day much like in the relationship focus on THEM. When you were together it was give give give. Now that it's over we remain focused on them and yearn for them. The reason often people don't find relationships with a non as exhilarating or satisfying really has nothing to do with the non either. This person offers you true and healthy love. They offer this in a non manipulative way. A way that doesn't artificially love bomb in an effort to target your personal deficits. So it's no wonder it's not as exciting. That "feeling" the BPD provided again, is not them. It's the feeling of being whole for the first time in your life. But if you build a healthy self esteem and self worth from within, you can have an even better relationship with your non than you did in the beginning of your relationship with the BPD. The key is finding your own self worth, and eliminating the need to find it through the eyes of another person. A person who provided what you needed, a feeling of being lovable, adequate and worthy but for the intentions to extract what she needed, constant attention, adulation, so you would never abandon her.

I lost the human being that showed me kindness like I had never experienced before.

I lost the best friend I ever had who wasnt offended by my sense of humor

I lost the most naturally beautiful woman I had ever come across

I have come to accept that she is horribly mentally ill and I have accepted that the person I met and fell head over heels in love with was just a ghost in the machine. When my son died I felt pain but not like this. She took a giant chunk of my heart and soul with me. I warrior up every day and walk ahead knowing there will bemore good days ahead. I also break into tears late at night because I feel the void inside. I lost part of me and that hurts the most.

Yes. Please read my post below. The pain is not losing her. It's being made whole and then smashed to pieces by the same person. I wish you peace. You deserve happiness.

you are very correct... .Im having a very alarming moment of clarity. Realizations about my codependency. I have entered sobriety because of this relationship and I am trying to piece myself back together after years of alcohol abuse and the BPD relationship.

I lost the person I could laugh and laugh with, dance with, enjoy our children with, hold close to me, and be held close.

Initially, I lost: the only person I'd ever trusted to take my needs/desires/welfare into consideration, the father he'd been to my five sons, the relationship/home/family/life we'd shared for the previous 12+ years, the future I'd been planning/looking forward to spending with him, all sense of certainty about what I'd experienced/believed/felt during the time we were together, and the identity I'd forged as a result of all those things.

Subsequently, I ended up losing: my professional reputation, my business, my privacy, and my ability to feel safe from being harassed/stalked/threatened by my replacement as well as sexually assaulted by him.


On my path to healing, I came to realize that the biggest thing I'd lost/missed most was how it felt to trust someone in the way I'd allowed myself/been encouraged to trust him.

But, what I also realized is that - through him - I gained an ability to trust that I didn't have before, and, more importantly, I gained the skads of experience I needed in order to understand that trust isn't something that's unconditionally given, but rather, something that's incrementally earned.

There may not be any one person capable of earning my trust as implicitly, naively, innocently, and without reserve as I gave it to my ex - but there have always been lots of people in my life who deserve more trust than I've felt comfortable giving them in the past - something I can, and now do.

I lost laughter and fun and passion. I lost my most favorite person ever.

My mind... .Im not who I used to be. And she couldnt care less

I lost a dream that she created for both of us and that I bought into with full commitment... .build a home, get married, have kids, travel the world, live as soulmates, passion and companionship, friendship... .turned out it was just that- a dream, an illusion. There was no stability, the whole lot was built on quicksand. Her mercurial nature and volatile shifts made it impossible. I couldn't hold it all up. I left, the dream is dead. That's what I still mourn. I miss certain moments with her but generally my life is better. It's certainly more stable  :)

This might be one of the most eye opening things I have ever read on this site. Thank you for this.

I have lost my trust for women in a romantic way. I have also temporarily lost my sanity for the time being. But hey, at least I have gained loneliness and despair to replace them.

Loss -

My family, I considered her my closest family member. (A bond that is deeply important to me)

My son (not 100% definitely yet, but probably)

My daughter loves(loved) her, and is missing her stepmom terribly (she never even said goodbye to my daughter)

My ability to believe in someone deeply.

I believed in her, I believed that despite the rage, the abuse (physical, verbal, emotional), the horrible times, that she'd come through it - because we are family.

Myself (like many have written)

It's unbelievable now how many boundaries I've allowed to be trampled.

Looking back, it's quite a mess.

Don't know how I'll really believe in myself or someone else again. (I know it will happen, but there's a long road ahead)

Right now, there's so much internal work to be done, it's overwhelming - One day at a time.

Good luck, love, healing, and peace to you all.

I lost a better chance with someone who could have had a better chance with me.

My soul which is what they all want still trying to buy it back hope springs eternal

I found the compassion I had always seeked. I havnt let that go so really I lost nothing.

Yea i tend to agree. I feel if anything ive gained a better understanding of myself and become more in tune with my emotions as a result especially compassion.

The sorrow here permeates as far as the eye can see... .on dark days. But when you arrive at your time of peace--as we hope for all who visit here. On that day, you will realize that you did not lose. For you never owned them. You cannot lose what you can never possess--no matter how much you try, or desire it. We were custodians of broken dolls. They need a home too.