BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone, I am joining this board to share my experience/ask advice regarding the current relationship that I am in with someone who me and my psychiatrist both believe has BPD.

I will start from the beginning. About a year and a half ago I met a girl named Amber on an online dating app. We talked back and forth for a couple days and then agreed to meet up. Long story short we ended up really hitting it off and having sex that night. Amber told me about her childhood history of sexual abuse by her father and abandonment by both parents. She also told me that I was the first person she had sex with and didn't throw up afterward. Amber and I went through a honeymoon period of butterflies and rainbows until she asked me if I took supplements for weightlifting (I am a competitive bodybuilder). She followed this statement by saying that she would never date anyone who took them. I lied and said I did not use them. Amber was in college at the time and began regularly sleeping over my house and eventually moved in with me. Basically our relationship got to the point where whenever anything about supplements was brought up we would fight for hours and not get anywhere. It eventually got to the point where I said I was going to continue bodybuilding we had a huge fight, I blocked her and we did not speak for a month. I messaged her a month later to talk to her about getting her stuff back and we began talking again. Turns out she had to take a leave of absence from school after our break up. However, uncharacteristic of BPD she does take some responsibility for this. She says "I focused too much on you and not enough on myself and thats why I am where I am now." However she does say I played a big role in her having to leave school. This time around seems different but there is still the issue of her not wanting to be with someone who is into bodybuilding. The thing that keeps me attached to this girl is that if I bring up concerns or issues she actually will listen and change behaviors and facilitate my needs and vice versus. She is a very sweet and caring girl but there is a very dark angry violent side to her when her buttons are pushed or the topic of bodybuilding comes up. I know I am not by any means free of fault in the relationship, I have lied and lied and lied again to her. We both vowed to work better at communicating and expressing our needs and up until today I told her I was unsure if I wanted to continue bodybuilding and we had both been okay with that. Today I told her that I was going to continue doing it and we had a huge fight that went something like this:

ME: I wanna be a bodybuilder and I wanna have an amazing relationship with you

Can't have both :-/

HER: ... .

HER:You suck

HER:

HER:You tell me ___

HER:All the time

HER: Promise me ___

ME: I'm telling you I'm so conflicted here

ME: I didn't lie

ME:I told u I don't know yet

HER:Make me think I'm more important to you than anything

HER:Said you're quitting

HER:Or you'll show me how you are FOR A LITTLE WHILE off

HER: Or you care about me more

ME: I have treated u pretty well I think

HER: But then say oh my bad today I realized again that I still just wanna be a bodybuilder so ___ you gabby and fuk your heart and all your effort

ME:Think I made some real big changes I'm still trying to grow everyday

ME:I'm not saying ___ you

ME:If you read above I said it breaks my ___ing heart

HER: Stop

HER:___ this ___ing ___

HER:Stop ___ing texting me.

HER: Have a good day.

HER: Legit. Don't text me anymore I'll text you tonight I'm not even gonna be on my phone you just love to ___ with my feelings my heart and my head. Not okay to say what you've said to me and do this.

HER

HER: You have no clue

ME: I would love I discuss this on FaceTime like adults

HER: No I'm not trying to

ME: I asked to discuss it and to please not get mad at me

HER:Do you know What the ___ you just did to me?

HER:No clue. Or if you do. Then you're an ass. At least don't tell someone they're real important and not mean it. That tears a persons heart in half josh.

HER:You can't tell someone to not get mad if you're COMPLETELY ALWAYS SAYING ONE THING TO ME AND OTHER ___ TO OTHER PEOPLE AND DOING THE OPPOSITE LIKE jdovmdosbdifmfsixmgkfodbsjcifmtjsohwirmthtvh

HER:Enough.

HER:Bye.

ME: I'm so sorry my choices make you feel that way but it's not the case. I will always love the ___ out of you supplements or not and I thought I was doing a decent job at communicating honestly and effectively. I understand you don't want to be with someone who uses them and that means u don't want to be with me. I want to be with you more than ever but I can't and won't try to change you.

Hi jtree123,

Welcome to bpdfamily -- I'm glad you found the site. There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and the rationale within that perception.

Have you tried validation techniques with her? Here is one explanation that helped me understand what it is (and isn't):

Validation and BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/validation_slides.pdf)

There is a lot more about validation on the site. I think it might help you in your conversations if you understand how validation can help her regulate her emotional responses.

Plus, this is a good perspective piece about what to expect in a BPD relationship: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0)

I think it is actually fairly common with many BPD sufferers to lose themselves in another person -- you mentioned that your GF does that with you, and that it seems to be different than other BPD sufferers. Some of the suffering they experience is precisely because they mirror to such an extent, and this may feel like empathy. Without a solid sense of self, though, it is not quite the same.

I hope you keep posting and let us know how you're doing. These are not easy relationships, and people here know what you're dealing with. You're not alone.

LnL

Thank you for your reply and suggestions I am defenaty going to check them out.

I understand that these relationships are difficult but I'f she can grow and try to understand me I don't see a reason why I can't  try and do the same. She is not in a good situation at the moment  and I any pathos for her every day.

I have identified some triggers that set her off and have learned to not let her ups and downs bring me up and down. Currently she has decided to let the building argue go because "I'm too important to her in her life." She also says that it is more important to work on. Our relationship anyway... I feel that  she may only be saying this  with an alterior motive to  manipulate further down the line. I don't really know,  but I will take the good with the good and enjoy the break from fighting. I also did validate her feelings and opinions the other night and she responded really well to it; hat seemed to really help calm things down. Great advice on this site so happy I found it!