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I have been going to counseling for a couple years now, but have made an appointment with an outpatient psychiatric clinic to get an evaluation.

The reason for this is I need a better grip on myself and my problems.  My counselor is good with helping me with strategies for daily existence and self-care, but I am concerned I may have a personality disorder of my own and that's not her area of experience.

1. I have big problems with my temper.  I can go from calm to rageful extremely quickly in arguments with my wife.  I have gotten much better with this as I've learned not to JADE or get sidetracked by baiting, but still, my wife says she walks on eggshells around me.  I have thrown and broken things in my worst moments.

2. When something happens that upsets me, I immediately just shut down.  I get super tense and quiet, and tend to radiate negative energy.

3.  I am extremely sensitive to sarcastic teasing from my wife.  If she makes a little comment about anything, I just get very mad and go silent.  I also get the same way when she tells me things like how to cook something I'm working on, or how to drive (she's constantly telling me to look out for things and pointing out bad drivers on the road).

4.  I feel very distant and alone deep down, I think.

5.  I'm not sure if I'm a narcissist?  I like looking good and dressing well.  I like to be the center of attention, I'm a natural entertainer, my only thing is a fear of speaking in front of large groups.

6.  I used to use sex and pornography to alleviate my negative emotions.

For all these reasons, I'm concerned.  I also have a lot of codependent behaviors and a huge amount of resentment towards my wife in this relationship for all the time, money and effort I've put into her with nothing back.

I've been working so hard on trying to improve myself but I wonder if I need to be doing more and if something is majorly wrong with me.  I've been reading a lot about BPD and trying to unofficially diagnose my wife, but then I wonder if I'm the one with BPD and just projecting onto her?

Adventurer, hello, hope you are doing well today.

From what you are saying about going to therapy and getting a psych eval, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that from your displayed concern for your behavior as far as anger, porn, isolation and self soothing, that these behaviors can be the result of a toxic relationship. Your desire to improve the relationship indicates this too. People that are truly disordered on the level of BPD or narc would never entertain the idea that they are the problem. From my very uninformed opinion I would say that you might be a little neurotic, but who wouldn't be neurotic from a bad relationship. Easy on yourself my friend.   

None of us here can diagnose you with anything. 

I will put it out there though, so what if you have BPD?  So what if your a narcisist? 

We are only as good as the work we put into ourselves to be better people.  With what I'm reading your putting a lot of work into understanding the problems your having and there is a desire to improve yourself a a person with deficiencies you see. 

That to me says no matter what the designation they do or dont give you your on the right track... .

|iiii

My 2 cents, hope that helps.


AJJ. 

If *I* were in your position, I would ask the following questions:

1. Did my mother abuse me (aunt, mother, step mother; whoever the female figure was from birth to 15).

2. Was I sexually abused, especially by a female?

3. Was I exposed to porn at a young age, and it was a 'gateway' into real life inappropriate sexual behavior.

4. In my childhood, WHO in the family used manipulation and intimidation to get their 'way' and was THAT person the one I was closest too and spent most of my time WITH, or spent most of my time fearing this person?

5. Was I bullied, humiliated, devalued by female teachers/nuns/classmates/neighbors or relatives?

Those are questions I would want to dive deeper into if I wanted to 'heal' myself from they symptoms you described.

Just a quick question. Do you only behave this way with your wife?

Also have you always dressed well and wanred to be the centre of attention?

I should preface this with... .I'm not a doctor... .I only play one on TV  :) Seriously, these are just my opinions... .


I wondered this also pwBPD know just right where to push our buttons.


Although not the greatest behavior it could definitely be in reaction to a pwBPD pushing your buttons, remember they like drama.


Honestly, who would like this kind of behavior... .all very non-validating... .all a put down.  How much of this type of behavior are you receiving?


What do your friendships look like?  Have you become isolated from friends and family?  A BPD spouse can demand all of your attention or sometimes we cut ourselves off from others because of our troubled marriages.  Might be some depression in the mix too


What was the state of your sex life at the time this was going on?


Many of us have struggled with co-dependence who are members here so I would not be surprised if it is an issue for you also, your resentment of your wife also seems completely natural to me sounds like she isn't contributing much.  And I want to validate your efforts to work on yourself.  That is all any of us can do... .change ourselves, our behaviors, and our reactions.

I really think you are having trouble coping with your wife more than you have a PD of your own.  But having the evaluation might give you some insight into yourself and give you some peace of mind.

I also got angry with my ex. I tjink it was the constant take with np give that really wound me up. I found that I now have a very low tollerence for selfish people. As for the narc traits. I like to look good also. After being in two long term relationships with uBPDs my self esteem was shattered. By looking good you feel good and if you get a compliment from someone it helps you to rebuild that self esteem.

Thank you going places, I will do some soul searching on these questions.  Given the problems I've had my whole life I feel I must have been abused somewhere but I there is just nothing I can remember.  I did lose my father at a very young age and my mother had a breakdown so there is a whole host of things stemming from that, though I know she shielded me as much as possible.

enlighten me, I do only behave this way with my wife.  In past relationships I don't even feel that I've behaved this way.  My friends and I can tease each other and it's never bothered me.  I've also been concerned with looks and a spotlight hog ever since adolescence, I think.  Maybe just my typical needy behaviors?

Panda39, I fortunately have not been too badly isolated from family and friends.  For the most part I have been able to leave the house on my own and do my own activities although sometimes there is some silent treatment and anger from her when I get back.  My wife is a master button-pusher, I will admit.  The sarcastic or controlling behavior happens almost daily though I think I'm gotten so numb to it.  Part of our 'staying together' agreement is that I'm going to call her on these behaviors as they happen instead of letting resentment build up.

Porn used to be pretty much a constant, no matter the state of my sex life.  I think I just used it as an escape.  In my past, it was very seldom that I wasn't having sex with somebody - I think I was seeking validation from it.

I am DEFINITELY codependent.  This is a recent discovery after reading the literature about BPD and codependency and really eye-opening.  I am working very hard on breaking loose of it.