BPDFamily.com

On Oct25,14, (after 18 months) I had an unexpected phone call from my Ex-BPD gf... as the furniture company called her by mistake the furniture I ordered for myself. Her phone numbers

were there in their computer from past as I ordered some gift for her 3 years ago.  This frantic call from her saying"there seems to be a mistake... can you call them" started THE RE-CONTACT accidentally after 18 months of total NC. She texted  " Do u feel like seeing each other?"  I was stunned. I said "why not?" She told me to come to the our past favorite eating place. She was waiting with my favorite ;drink on table. She looked very sad... dilapidated... without any life in her eyes... tired looking. Asked me "How u been?"  I said "OK"  How bout u?

She said " I  missed u all this time... we were such good friends... .we had so much fun... .you are such a great person... you helped me so much... Did you throw away our pics... my gifts/"

Do you hate me? You went crazy in the end... .didn't leave me alone... We don't need complications... .we can meet sometimes... I am just tired of life... .tired of people... people don't change."

(NOTE: this is the person who abruptly broke up with a text after severe push-pull and then, silent treatment and threat of restraining order when I wanted to meet for last time for 5 mins)  I thanked her for good times in past... kissed her own cheek and left saying "wish you happiness in future."  It's 3 days since this meeting... .no more activity ... *? * YOUR TAKE ON THIS ?

Good... .

My take... .it's so sad. So sad to spend your life in that hell. Wanttoknowmore you can't change her or fix her. Her happiness has to come from within her. You did the right thing for yourself. You can't go back to that place you worked  hard to get out... .You deserve to be happy. You did the right thing by walking away.

You are my idol. Lol. Nicely done, but I would never have responded at all. She did it to you once and will do it again. She was trying to get you into her "options" column.

You are their medicine and they need to take you every now and then.  But they want a cure and see it in the latest replacement.  The latest replacement disappoints and is then good for medicinal usage only.  And so it goes.

I love how they COMPLETELY reinvent history?... .and the reinvention always puts them in a place of no responsibility... .every time

I can just sense the craziness there ... just keep movin on movin on... .

Just makes me sad to read that. I can't help feel sorry for them. Happiness within their grasp but they can't quite manage to grab it.

The last time I saw mine was a similar situation.

In this case she was still with my replacement but the penny seemed to have dropped that he wasn't going to make her happy.

She looked frail and tired,  where I was a positive influence on her,  the replacement is a negative.  I felt bad for her,  really bad.  This is a girl who always used to at least take pride in her appearance but she was wearing fairly shabby clothes and just looked a tired frail mess.

Worst thing for me was that as she sat there I could just see the confusion in her.  She didn't accuse me of anything and was pretty friendly and nice. I could make her laugh still with my jokes etc and it was nice to see her eyes light up,  but overall she was somber,  directionless.

For me it was an eye opener.  There's nothing I can do for her,  she's a tragic lost cause.  I hate to see it,  frightened broken little girl.  I still care about her and I still worry,  but there's nothing I can do. I ain't gonna be no Samaritans helpline for her whenever she needs some emotional content.  I have blocked her on every conceivable method of contact,  she's going to have to sort herself out now.

You done the right thing by walking away but why meet up with a crazy that threatened to get you into trouble with the law, restraining order etc.

The last three days she has probably been meeting up with other old ex's.

Just reading your post makes me realise the horror and pain that I endured and hoping that if she ever contacts me again I'll simply ignore.

How you feeling after this?

A dose of reality here.

They are sad cases, we care about them, but they cannot be helped and can't help harming us when we try. Sad, but walking away is all we can do.

Reminds me of a scene in a film where a soldier steps on a land mine, his mate knows he is doomed and there is nothing he can do but leave him. He walks away and after a while hears the explosion. But all he can do is save himself.

So true, but my BPD ex would have dragged me to the land mine and threw me on it, then walked away.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I felt relief and a sense of strenghth after this meeting... I was emotionally balanced, civil and kind to her. I did feel sad seeing her in this pathetic condition as i think she deserves better as at core she is a very humane person... too humane... trying to do too much for weak, sick, homeless, animals and anyone who is helpless and dependent on her. There has to be some reason ... why I could never hate her even after she threatened restraining order in the end of r/s.  I could see the disorder as it evolved. In the beginning... when I used to ask "do u love me?" she would say "of course !" after a few months ... ":)o u love me?"  she would say "yes"... after few more months... "do you love me?'She would say "sometimes " In last few months before break up... "do u love me?' Answer: TOTAL SILENCE.  I saw she was trying hard to keep the bond and not let it wither away... .but... .she seemed like fighting a major force trying to sweep away the bond between us and it all melted away and extinguised finally with her rage, dissociation and dysregulation totally beyond her control.  Now, after 18 month, her eyes seem tired and lifeless with a defeated look on her face, a lost sense of future, self esteem further down in sinkhole, truly a loving kindhearted woman broken down at the core.  How can I hate her? I feel like helping her . The only way she can find some peace is by having the courage to know her disorder and learn the behavioral patterns it gets her into with eventual blowing up of all her love relationships leaving her  a "dead shell" , uncertain lost ,and confused.

I think it is a testament to your character that you can feel empathy for a person that has hurt you deeply.  We as non's learn great truths about ourselves post BU.  Unfortunately BPD's don't and that is truly a tradegy.  I don't know how i would react if i was contacted post BU.  But i know that i am attracted to BPD's on a subconscious level and vice versa so i need to be vigilant.   Like yourself i don't hate my expwBPD,  but i also know that i got to enmeshed with her to ever be able to help her or be her frien. 

I just cant, yet. I have empathy, as we all do as we have fallen for a BPD, but right now, I dont care what happens to her.

Firstly, I really admire your strength.  What an excellent example of setting boundaries.  Next, I totally get what your saying.  I too witnessed my pwBPD slowly unravel.  She was a bit of a waif and I can't sit here and truly say she terrorized my life.  With her, it was a constant battle within.   Like your ex, at her core, she truly is a beautiful person. She could be deceptive, conjured up lies, and committed selfish actions that I am bitter about.  However, at the same time I can’t fully say she played me for a fool.  I think at one point she was fighting for me, but the fight against herself seemed to win.  It bothers me that she doesn’t love herself enough to say “hey, i need to get some help.”  At the same time, I guess I am guilty of that because I stayed in a lopsided relationship for so long.  I knew something wasn’t right but I put myself through hell trying to “fix” it. 

My point is, I understand your compassion.  I’ve recently told my ex that despite what transpired, I’d support her (mentally) if she sought out treatment.  Regardless of the havoc she’s bestowed upon me, she is human and I loved her very much.  If I were ill, I would hope that someone loved me enough to believe in me.  Seeing as you’ve come so far don’t allow her to jeopardize your accomplishment.