BPDFamily.com

I am 9.5 weeks out and still so damn stuck. I don't do anything except go to work, take care of my kids and mark days off on the calendar. I journal and write a bit too but everything is solitary, I don't have the energy to be around anyone, I don't have the energy to move. I feel like I should be forcing myself but force takes so much... .well... .energy. I don't want him back. I don't think I even miss him (that's a lie, yes, I do. That's what I tell people in real life). It's as if I now lack a sense of self. Who was I before him? Who was I with him? Who am I now? My head goes a million miles a minute but my body is stuck. How do you guys deal with this?

I come on here.  I research.  I comment on threads I familiarize with.  I play video games because I find them enjoyable.  I too don't really feel like engaging with anyone.  I try to make myself a couple times a week.  Even if it just a movie night.  I don't want them worrying so I think it gives them a piece of mind!  Try and get in touch with your emotions.  Don't suppress your grief... .acknowledge it and work through it. I also enrolled in a group therapy to help keep myself grounded.  I knew this break up was going to knock the wind out of me so I wanted to take the necessary precautions. 

As for asking yourself who you are... .I think that is part of the process.  We become so lost in these relationships that we let go of a sense of ones self.  I take it day by day, hour by hour.  I am one month in and the pain feels as fresh as it does the day it happened. 

I felt this way for a long time crookedeuphoria. I'm 9 months out and my depression finally went away a month or so ago. I'd even lapse into it when with my kids (because their mom was missing from the equation).

I was only with mine for 6 years, and we had kids for 4 of those years. I felt myself lapse back into Lone Wolf mode. I'm still like that a little bit, but I've taken myself kicking (though not quite screaming) to engage with other people, trying to make new friends. I've also started going volunteer work and outreach when I am able, based around the custody schedule. Like you, I have moments where I miss her as well, especially triggered when she is really nice to me.

I know it's not what you want to hear but 9.5 weeks isn't a long time for this sort of break up to wear off.

It took me at least 6 months to be feeling happy again and I still ruminated every day. Now, almost 9 months post break up I hardly think of her and never in a missing her sort of way. I do detest her. This has helped since she had been trying to get me back for past few weeks but it's stopped again since I showed her nothing but contempt.

Had a recycle attempt been made at 9.5 weeks I'd have jumped back in.

My advice would be don't compare yourself to them And the speed at which they move on. Just be good to yourself accept your in pain and just take baby steps forward. Remain NC if possible. Remember the bad stuff because the good isn't coming back. I worked out every day and forced myself to eat even if it was lots of soup or liquidised fruit and veg. Anything to keep your body strong and energy levels up.

I've been through a lot of traumatic experiences and this rated as the most confusing and debilitating yet lol but I'm doing so much better now.

I still do think about her sometimes(5 months out), the beginning was really really hard. I occupied myself with starting up a company, redecorating my house, hang out with friends, obviously read a lot about the disorder(this site has been the best tool for coping). Also picking up hobbies i dropped when i was with her. Basically it's all about me now, sound selfish, but i do this to survive. No more room for her, i let myself still think about her and i still talk about her when i'm with colleagues(my ex and i work together), but it's no longer positive stuff. It's always negative. And that's a good thing. The relationship was nothing but negative. A hellhole i got sucked into, and now i'm free. It feels great.

Try to think positive. It will get better with time.

I appreciate your responses.

I do read and research a lot but I feel like I get on BPD overload and my head starts to spin. I start a domestic violence support group thing on Monday and therapy with an intern next Thursday. I am hoping that both of those things will help.

I'm sure they will help you. Time will do it's work too. I know it's very tough just now and I'm sorry you've been through pain. You sound like you are on top of things as much as you can be. I wish I could say more but it was bad for months, hope it's not the same for you.

I totally feel where you're coming from. I'm in the same position (12 weeks past B/U, LC (only divorce matters)) and feeling stuck. No exercising, smoking (now I can finally do that), eating very little, not drinking enough water and not even caring about everything. But also not wanting to change all those bad habits right now. Probably because I think I don't deserve to treat myself well.

I try to meet people and go out, but at the same time I do not really have the energy to engage more than I should with them. I also feel like I should force myself to do better for myself.

Maybe it's 'just' depression and we'll grow out of it. Maybe we should just accept that we're in this state for the time being because we're grieving. Maybe we'll find ourselves again in a few months. Maybe we should not worry too much about forcing ourselves.

I don't know... .does anyone?

Therapy helps, if you havent done so already, you should.

For 25 years I have been ______'s wife and _____ ______ _____'s mom.

I didn't have 'a name' for years... .

I do not regret being my kids mom. I do not regret spending all of my time, energy and self raising them.

They are three AMAZING adults today.

But here I am today, way north of 40, divorced after 25 years of deception... .

People ask: What are your hobbies?  Uh, I don't have any?

People ask: What are your interests?  Uh, I don't know? Gardening?

People ask: Name something about yourself that has NOTHING to do with the kids or (now) ex?

I couldn't.

At this time, I'm still 'going thru' the motions. Going to work, coming home, cooking cleaning, paying bills, etc.

I have dreams... .goals... .etc... .

But I am slowly breaking free of the 'person he turned me into' BACK to the person I was before him.

AND IT'S AMAZING.

It's like walking down the road with a load of bricks on your back, and each day, 1 falls off... .and your load is a little lighter, and your walk is less burdensome.

My advice?

Don't waste time trying to figure out why HE does what he does and why HE is the way he is... .

Spend ALL your time and energy on YOU, healing YOU, strengthing YOU.

My kids saw what he did to me, and what it turned me into... .and they hated it.

They have learned and grown from these last 3 years, so much, but if I would have stayed "stuck", it would have been horrible for them.

Focus on you. Don't give him room in your head or heart.

Just focus on getting you healthy!

I agree with you and this period shall pass we are still comparing new dates to our BPD exes . I start saying I want to continue grieving calling her texting what so ever I want to do what I feel like doing I don't have anything to loose anymore I lost her I can't change her mind even if I give her all the money in the world as she is broke now and she prefer that than coming back ;

My advise is hang in there things will get better we are blind now but we will see  After the winter spring comes !