|
Title: Consciously tried validation/SET... small success Post by: jedimaster on October 28, 2014, 12:27:17 PM Just had to post a small success, just to feel good about ME and motivate myself to keep going. My BPDw came in and was giving me some small grief about something (it's so common I don't even remember the topic now). She wasn't in a rage, just the usual negative stuff directed at me. She was repeating it several times just to be sure I "got it" and the first time I made one of my usual responses. Then I caught myself and started sympathizing/empathizing/validating her feelings. It caught her so off guard she stopped and said, "Wait are you being sarcastic or do you really mean that?" Of course I said I meant it (and I really did; I'm learning to feel sincerely for her and try to understand how hard it must be to live in her world). Then I followed up with a comment of something positive I could do to help with the issue that got her started, but without accepting fault or blame. It stopped the negativity dead in its tracks!
I know it was only a small victory and it was nothing compared to the stuff that goes on when she's on a roll. But it was a start, and it gave me some good practice at validating. Now I have to work at doing it automatically, because I was just darn lucky that my first comment didn't set her off before I could get on track. Thanks for everyone on here and for all the great info. This site may be what keeps me hanging on. Title: Re: Consciously tried validation/SET... small success Post by: takingandsending on October 28, 2014, 01:48:01 PM |iiii
I am so happy for you. And a little hint that I have received from people a lot wiser than me: SET and all of the communication tools work a lot better when your SO is not in a full blown dysregulation. You did it at the exact right time! When your wife is on a roll, it's probably too late for SET and on to boundaries. Thanks for posting! Keep it up. |