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I think that I seen this referred to here before but I can't remember. I've read a lot here about people writing letters or journals that they never intend for their ex to see or read and that it helps a lot. However, I find myself here alone talking out loud to my ex about the things that people say that they write about. Is this the same thing or am I going F'n nuts or something. I mean really, I'm sitting here talking to myself like I'm trying to talk to her since she won't talk to me and I'm NC. Is this normal? I feel like a freak or something... .

No, you are NOT a freak. You are trying to deal with some really tough feelings. Even though mine still lives with me, when he is at work or is out for some other reason, I find myself saying all of the things that I want to stay to him but don't. I'll see something that he didn't do and go on a little diatribe about how ridiculous it is that he can't do x, y, or z. He is a grown a&& man. He should be able to do those things.

I don't see much difference between journaling, sharing stuff here, or talking it out with yourself. All that crap has to come out and be dealt with somehow.

Sending you a great big hug! 

Of course you are normal. I too talk to myself all the time. We could be schizophrenics too.  By talking to yourself you are brainstorming. It is a mistaken belief that it is neccessary to have more than one person for a brainstorming session. When we say our thoughts aloud and hear them they are stored in a different place in our brain for a perhaps longer period of time and maybe in a different color too.

Fred there is nothing wrong with this at all. You are not crazy. You just seem to be merely having the conversation you never had the one you needed to have to get closure.  This practice may be very therapeutic for you.  The reality is we do this all the time in our interactions with others and what we are seeking is control over the narrative of our experience.  You can not do this with your ex so you do it with yourself.  You are using your imagination to heal! It's pretty cool in my opinion.

I've been doing the same thing, especially after a big fight with my ex! So strange-- a lot of it stays in my head but sometimes I find myself saying the words right out loud. I remember at a different point, one thing that would help me is to quiet the conversation in my head for a sec, and then try to feel the feeling ("lean into the feeling" as they say here). That was interesting, and felt healing somehow, even if the feelings were sometimes hard.

I've worked a lot of stuff out by journaling as if writing to her. It was a way of being able to ask questions, uncover buried facts, and express my views and feelings. Also by having conversations with her in my mind. It's all part of processing, whatever works for you, and doesn't break NC.

I mean I've done it before. But now its all the time. I'm driving down the road talking to myself. People drive by me looking at me like I'm an idiot. I'll be at work having a conversation in my head and almost slip and start saying $hit aloud. I know it's kind of normal, but it seems to occupy my mind and be getting a bit extreme. Almost like I'm arguing my point of view to myself but to her. Sometimes I anticipate her answers and reply. Like I'm practicing going to court under cross examination or something. I think she infected me with her nuttiness my-issues

I did this too Fred. The ruminating.  It is natural.  What helped me is like what has been stated "leaning into the pain,". For me this consisted of laying down and getting comfortable and just focussing on the physical sensations of the pain. There was a lot of struggle but at one point I just felt defeated and let all the overwhelming was of it consume me. I had to surrender. Then just feel it, and it was mainly felt as this gaping black hole feeling in my chest.  It felt like I sunk into the abyss and found a sort of comfort in the emptiness.

Also crying helped a lot.  Singing a long with sad songs. 

The ruminations would build up my anxiety and I just had to surrender to it.

That's how I interpret leaning Into the pain and what it was for me.

I call it feeling my feelings.  Or meditation.

It won't last too long, you're still just working through things.

I looked at it like I had some knots that needed to be undone.

The more of them I got to, the closer I was to being free of them.

I started 3 years ago after my wife left me. I kept on through the off times, various dates etc. When i met my BPDgf i kept on. All the good, all the bad, all of it. Its funny how blind i was. I really didnt read it. Once i got dumped i kept journaling. I also went back and reviewed it all. Once removed from her BS and reading the info, i realized something was wrong... .with her. I own my part of the relationship. I took my year and a half of journal entries and showed them to an old HS girlfriend of mine who is a psychologist.  30 minutes later, she calls and tells me i dodged a bullet. First words out of her mouth were BPD. Wow! Didnt make me feel any better, but now I knew i wasnt going nuts. I keep on journaling and giving them to my T. Offers insight to how im feeling and going along the process of recovery.